Side Effects Explosion!

Yes, if you were wondering why I haven't blogged, week 4 certainly took a toll on me!  I am finally feeling a bit better and decided to blog.  Last Monday was when the downhill started, I woke up with a MEGA soar throat and after the radiation treatment, I was falling apart. I still managed to eat food via the mouth but it took me 3-4 hrs to do it.  Comes Tuesday last week, I asked for some pain killer.  Doctor prescribed me morphine in the hope to control my pain.  The side effect of taking the morphine is that it would cause constipation so they also prescribed me these stool softening drugs. Trying to eat on Tuesday was sure a painful exercise.  Morphine doesn't kick in right away so anything I put in my mouth including water would burn my entire throat.  It would burn so much that I was shivering and clenching my teeth for minutes because it was so painful.  On Tuesday, I received a sweet gift at my door. My boss at work baked me these lovely whipped buttercookies that I was craving for and she shipped it to me.  Although I couldnt't eat, just looking at the tint, and the card she sent me reminded me to hang in and chin up.  I cannot wait to melt one of those cookies in my mouth when the treatments are all over!  The side effects didn't stop coming.  On Wednesday, I decided to take the stool softening drug because I was told take it as soon as I take the morphine.  But in a few hours, my entire upper torso rashed up and itched the hell out of me!  Keep in mind, my throat is still hurting, I'm tired, lack of appetite and the nauseated feeling is coming in stronger.  I had to stop all painkiller drugs which made me suffer more.  I know I have to eat but I couldn't with so much pain.  I decided to use the GI Tube and pump 3-4 bottles of Ensure because my body needs nutrition to stay strong. Thursday is when I received my 2nd treatment of chemo.  What made the experience worst is the nurse who wasn't able to locate my vein! OMG! Don't they insert IV all day long?!   She poked me 3x times before finding the vein!  My left arm has more than 6 needle poking scars, and my right arm is rashed up from being allergic to the painkilling or stool softening drugs.  OMG!  By Thursday, I had a rush of anger or vengeance.....  I couldn't help but to feel like "WHAT THE HELL".  I told myself that this freakin' experience has caused so much sadness and made all my love ones miserable, I cannot let this cancer win.  It was hard to eat with the nauseated feeling and not wanting to eat but I forced myself to do it anyway.  Also, I managed to take some food via the mouth in addition to using the GI tube.  I keep telling myself that I must stay strong.  Last week, I missed 5 big events:  4 birthdays and 1 anniversay.  It was my parents 33 years wedding anniversary.  I feel so sad that this is how they are celebrating  their anniversary this year. I mean... normally they don't even celebrate it but I just can't help but to feel sad for them.  Anyway....this experience was not a choice that I chose.  However, I chose to fight and stay strong. Therefore, I cannot give up.  It takes so much courage to hang in there and I have to say that I almost lost it last week.

My parents ended up catching a cold so since last Friday, I've been hibernating at my uncle/aunt house downtown.  They are so kind and been bringing me to treatment and taking care of me like their daughter.  I cannot go home because my immune is weak and do not want to take any chance. I banned my parents from seeing me until they are at least 2 days clear from their cold.  Looks like I can finally be able to go home this Friday.

Week 5 is coming to an end soon.  2 more weeks of radiation treatments and 4 more dose of chemo ahead.  It seems like it's going to go by fast but unfortunately in my world right now, time seems like years.  Once the treatment is over, I've been told that all side effects will remain for a while and I will need a lot of time to rest and recover.  I always know that people who are fighting cancer is real tough experience but I really had not idea how difficult and challenging it is until now.  Words cannot express the daily challenge that I face and the feelings that run through my mind.  There's nothing worst than to not feel well, nauseated, super soar throat and trying to force myself to eat.  I cannot wait to capture the light at the end of this tunnel.