Last week was post-chemo and I really challenged myself to try to eat a little more, walk a little more, and do a few things that I haven't done for a long time. Let's start with eating. I made quite a big improvement - in my world. As an example, yesterday, I had 1 bowl of oatmeal, 1 boiled egg, and 1 corn on a cob! Of course, I still have my usual 2 bowls of chinese herbal medicine and 4 bottles of Ensure. I don't eat like this everyday, I try to pace myself. Today, I only had 1/4 of a croissant, 1/2 banana and 1 bowl of chinese melon soup. As for walking, yes I certainly walked a lot more!!! So much that I am trying to figure out if I sprained my left ankle because it is a little swollen or I am fighting some kind of infection or this is due to chemo. I am not sure and will need to wait for my homecare nurse to visit me tomorrow to ask about it. I should have wore a better pair of shoes to walk around the block. Been just wearing my flats. Almost every early evening, once the sun is almost down, I would go out with my father and walk around the block to breath some fresh air. Also, I managed to hit some stores!! I chose early during the day when there is not a lot of people to go out with my father to run some errands (i.e. pick-up grocery, or browse). I would only be in the store for 20-30 min because after this period, I get extremely exhausted due to traffic, and tired looking around at stuff. I managed to hit up a Walmart, Costco, T&T Supermarket, Future Shop, and Melonhead for Jacob's haircut. Pretty much almost 1 store per day! I am sure a happy camper last week because I start to feel a bit more human!!! Also, near the end of the weekend, I got to see a few of my cousins who came by to go to the neighborhood park with Jacob. Jacob had such a blast hanging out with his cousins who are around his age! I am so happy to see my little one having such a great time. Especially the fact the we don't know when we will have a sibling for Jacob, I really want him to see his cousins more often so that he build a strong relationship with them. Just like how I feel about my own cousins, they are like brothers and sisters to me. :) Aside from all of this, I didn't think I was gonna be able to go out and celebrate father's day with my two fathers but I did it! Although I just sat there at the restaurant, didn't eat but drank my Ensure, it felt good to be able to be there in person and just be there.... just be there for them to see me and give them a sense of 'everything will be ok' and that I am getting better slowly. So yes, I finally saw my in-laws for the first time since March!!! I was very happy to see them as much as they were happy to see me! I also saw my bother's in-laws who care very much about my wellbeing too. I feel like I hit quite a milestone last week. I just hope the weeks ahead are moving in the same direction and gets even better!
In terms of sleeping, I still haven't been able to sleep through the night without waking up at some point. Last night I kept waking up almost every hour between 2am and 5am! My nose keep feeling stuffed, my lower back bone aches from sleeping on the back after a while, and I can't seem to sleep deep enough because my brain can't stop thinking. What am I thinking? Too much random stuff, and some are just thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be having. My brain takes me back to January of this year where everything started fall apart. This year was suppose to be the year I go on matleave and not on a freakin' sick leave! I was suppose to have a newborn baby to care for vs. delivering a baby who's heart was still beating and then passes away... and my entire family is trying to take care of me! My thoughts keep going along all unpredictable events that happened so far. I had a conversation with my nanny today about how unpredictable life can be. She later said well, the guy up there wouldn't give a challenge that you can't manage. I want to believe that but I am unsure. Did god really give me a challenge that he really thinks I can beat it or he wants to make me stronger cause I'm weak? I don't know anymore. I don't want to think anymore about it but I find it hard now that I start to feel a little bored, not doing much these days other than trying to rest more to recover. I also had a conversation with my husband a few days back how I felt like being a good person gets no rewards. At one point, I felt like I need to be a bad person moving forward - whatever that means. He told me that he also had some crazy thoughts like this too before. I guess after going through and facing 'life & death', literally twice now for us in a short period of time, your brain gets a good smack! I know I can't think like this, and likely won't be a bad person coming out of all this. I must continue to try to stay good: be a good citizen, family member, friend, and colleague. I have always believed in retribution. If you're bad, you will pay the price for it somehow. Also, if you live too good and not do any good to help others, you will also pay your dues!
Other thoughts been going through my mind is trying to decide if I should read my own blog from the beginning. I was trying to find strength during my chemo a week ago and thought maybe reading my own blog can help since everyone been telling me how after they read my blog, they all comment how strong I have been etc... So, if people thinks I am strong after reading my blog, I should feel strong reading my own blog... right? However, I didn't do that. I was scared that I won't be any stronger but just going to end up in tears for reading old and sad memories. I decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, and just bare the pain I had at that time and praying for the clock to tick faster so that the nurse can remove my chemo plastic tube. Speaking about staying strong and being strong... what does that mean? I've been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about the word 'strong'. I think there are many types and ways to express this but I thought about only 2 versions right now. There are two types of people who can be strong but only 1 is the ultimate 'strong' person. The first type is someone who is constantly challenging themselves and trying different things outside of their comfort zone. This person seeks challenge that many won't consider and will try to achieve it. For example, maybe climbing Mount Everest, sky diving, etc.... These people are strong and courageous! However, those challenges are by choice. Not forced to do it. They build great strengths and skills to make themselves look and feel strong but I don't view these people as the 'ultimate strong' people in life. The 2nd type of strong people are those who didn't choose the challenge but needs to face it. Whether you like it or not, the challenge is life and death. Strengths must be found and sometimes, people can't find it or don't even have the chance to fight. For example, imagine yourself waking up the next day where what you do doesn't matter anymore. Mother nature decided to throw a Tsunami in your face. It is all about you, your family and survival. Are you going to live? What happens to your house? What about your family, maybe they just died from drowning in this crazy disaster? Who cares how much you have or have not accomplished.... are you going to live and how will you live is the big standing question. If you're still living, you got nothing now. Your home is gone, everything you own is gone, and now you got the entire city with dead, sick, and injured people around you. You might be living now, but you can easily catch an infection because of this mess. How are you going to manage your life now? If you want a sense of how this is like, watch the movie called "The Impossible" because in real life it is much worst than this. How about another example.... you wake up and your country decided to have a war around you! Can you fleet that fast? Perhaps if you have the money. But if not, guess what, guns and bombs aren't far away and maybe you will be hit with one before you know it. And of course, being critical ill like having cancer or going through a heart attack etc... are all examples of challenges that many people need to face not by choice. There are probably a lot of different examples that we can continue to call out but this is what I call the 'ultimate' strong people; Either you go through this or someone you love goes through it as you stand by their side. It is very different from the ones who constantly try to challenge themselves daily, it is not the same type of being 'strong'. These are the people that are put through a true life test of 'how strong are you'. You don't know how strong you can be until you really got no choice. The focus is all about survival for you and your family. For me, going through this nightmare of life threatening events have changed my views when people say that person is "strong". The comment 'you are so strong' has a total different meaning to me.
One last thought been triggering my mind all week is the decision on what to do in the future and how much of my life/goals need to be changed. Since my last blog, I had a short conversation with my husband o how people will view me if I do or not change my goals in life. I told him that I know some family or friends might tell me to drop what I want to do in life because of what I have been going through. My husband shared with me his point of views on all of this. He pointed out that he agrees with me that I should follow my heart and go ahead continue to believe and try to achieve the goals I have set for myself. He made a comment about the only people who thinks you shouldn't follow your goals, change them, and/or drop some of it are the people who normally don't have much goals or interest in their own life. He said that I am a goal-getter, it overwhelms those who are not. LOL.... big laugh I had when he said this but comes to think more about it, I don't think my husband is totally wrong. Whatever it is, I truly don't care what people thinks. Like it or not, I am going to follow what I want to do in life and as long I have my husband support, that is good enough. What is right and wrong anyway? It is whatever we believe in.... right? Sometimes, I feel like my mind is sitting on a fence and can't really fall on either side.
Alright moving away from all thoughts, I got exactly 2 more weeks to go before my 2nd last chemo!!! OMG - I wish it was the last one!!! Boy do I not want to have this darn 8 inch plastic tube in my arm and vein! I really hope they can find a good vein on my left arm vs. my right. I am still feeling a little bruised on my right arm. Oh gosh.... I just need to stop thinking about all of this. Freakin' myself out ahead of time is no good!! I need to stop!!! I am going to finish off with a prayer for a dear friend's baby and for her family. My friend's baby just went through an unprecedented lung surgery. I am not exactly sure about the whole story but it certainly broke my heart when I heard about it. It bothered my mind all week and from time to time, I cannot help but to stop during the day and pray:
Dear Lord,
You know my friend so much better than I do. You know her sickness and the burden she carries. You also know her heart.
Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now as you work in his life.
Lord, let your will be done in my friend's life. If there is a sin that
needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help her to see her need and
confess.
Lord, I pray for my friend just as your Word tells me to pray,
for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and
that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord,
to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why my friend has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort her with your presence.
Let my friend know you are there with her through this
difficulty. Give him strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be
glorified in her life and also in mine.
Amen.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Another Treatment Completed!
After getting chemo drugs for 5 days on a row where I spent 1 day in the hospital and the rest of it at home, I am so glad that it is over! Too bad, I still have 2 more rounds of these to go. When they told me that they will insert a longer plastic tube needle inside my vein, I thought it was like a finger long. Only on Monday, when my dad brought me back to the hospital to get the stuff removed, I then found out really how long that plastic needle was!! Both my dad and I were so surprised to see the length of that thing inside my arm. It was no jokes, literally 8 inches long!! The length between my elbow and shoulders! No wonder my right arm felt so paralyzed... skinny arm, skinny veins, and got this freakin' long tube inside of it! The past 5 nights, I was only able to sleep on my back. For some reason, my GI tube was hurting me a little as well, so I couldn't rotate. My left shoulder blade is killing me... not sure if I pulled a muscle or this pain is a result of sleeping too much on my back! Now, I have approx. 3.5 weeks of break before the next round of chemo - yes.. 2nd last one!!!!! I cannot wait! Hate to see another long plastic tube get inserted again... :(
Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal! I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs! Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!! So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp! :( I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping! It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour! She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds! She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work. I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July. So, I must wait. The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea. I really want this tube gone!!! So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably.... Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.
Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience. I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback. It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas that I believe could make a difference for future patients. I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone. I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out. The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week! I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves! It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous. The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions. Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help. 3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..) It is so important!!! When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it. It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different. Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment. I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress. People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't! There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help. Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it. And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick! So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this? Go figure!
Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me. I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself. We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about. So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it. We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this.... whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this." She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time...... She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?" I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life. This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control! Of course it changed my life! If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc... Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!! The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals.... I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?! It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience
Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B. I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me.... Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it. But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life? What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child? My goals are fairly basic: continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business. I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it. So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully. I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live. I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.
Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky. Why? Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well. The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver! I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time. I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care. Totally blessed! The support that I have been getting truly amazes me! I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me? I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care. So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)
Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal! I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs! Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!! So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp! :( I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping! It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour! She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds! She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work. I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July. So, I must wait. The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea. I really want this tube gone!!! So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably.... Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.
Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience. I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback. It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas that I believe could make a difference for future patients. I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone. I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out. The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week! I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves! It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous. The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions. Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help. 3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..) It is so important!!! When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it. It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different. Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment. I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress. People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't! There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help. Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it. And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick! So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this? Go figure!
Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me. I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself. We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about. So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it. We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this.... whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this." She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time...... She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?" I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life. This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control! Of course it changed my life! If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc... Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!! The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals.... I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?! It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience
Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B. I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me.... Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it. But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life? What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child? My goals are fairly basic: continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business. I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it. So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully. I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live. I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.
Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky. Why? Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well. The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver! I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time. I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care. Totally blessed! The support that I have been getting truly amazes me! I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me? I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care. So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)
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