One more step closer to the end of this....

Ok... so I waited for this day for so long to get my GI tube removed out of my stomach!!  I was pretty anxious to get it removed two Tuesday ago but didn't know it would come with this much pain!!!  Yes.. no stitch needed they said. They said that once the tube is out, the stomach is a muscle, that muscle actually close the hole right away and will heal like a muscle...  as for the skin, the hole on the outisde of my stomach/skin, it is slightly smaller than a dime size and it will heal on its own too.  When they yank this tube out, they literally just pull it out. But the problem is, the outside whole is slightly smaller than a dime size but on the inside there is this anchor like a mushroom cap to prevent the tube falling out and the size is almost like a dollar coin.  So, you can imagine how painful it is when they yank this tube out... a dollar coin trying to fit through a slightly smaller than a dime sized  hole?!!  I was in so much pain and was terribly shocked when the damn thing came out and I almost wanted to beat the doctor up especially when he said it is out, don't worry now, no more pain...  do you want to see the tube immediately after the removal?  I was like, I can't even catch my breath, and all i can feel at the time is pain and trying to digest what just happened....  he asked me if i wanted to see the damn tube?! Of course not!!!!!  Throw it out!!!  I couldn't even talk because I was so shocked and in pain!  I gave him a no answer by shaking my head gently and giving him the deepest 'cut eye' look and he right away said oh ok and looked away! I think he realized that he asked me a bad question at the wrong time and was embarrassed!!  Then right away after a min of break.. i had to hold two nurses hand for the doctor to sanitize the open wound with these sticks and it literally burn everytime he touched the wound with it!!!  At that point, all I remember is a few tears slowly creeping out of my eyes and onto the side of my upper cheeks and dripping off the side of my ears!  The entire process was like only 5-10min.  However, I wasn't allowed to eat past 9am because my appointment was for 1pm but they didn't take me in for the procedure until literally like almost 4pm!!!! I waited for so long!!! I didn't eat nor drink water since 9am!! And after the procedure, I wasn't allowed to drink or eat for another 4 hrs! They wanted to give enough time for my stomach to calm down. They also recommended me to sip water after 4hrs vs. gulping down a cup of water right away to help my stomach adjust and prevent crazy leakage form the wound!  UGH...   anyway, I was pretty worked up on that Tuesday... What a day and week!!  Took me a few days before I went back to eating and drinking ensure the way I have been for the past month.  Pain is pain.  I don't think I will ever get used to it!  I recalled telling the nurses when they helped me get up from the procedure bed that I felt like I delivered a baby but through my stomach!!! LOL... they laughed pretty hard and said back to me that I should be fine if I can joke like that...  But was I?! haha... I guess so.... LOL

Finally, this past weekend I managed to make one of mine and Jake's dream come true!  Jake is only 2.5 years old but he is a pretty smart kid and definitely knows that something is up with me for the past 6 months.  Not sleeping in the same room with daddy, constantly have these nurses coming into our houses with gadgets checking up on his mommy, mommy drinking these cans of ensure vs. eating at the table regular food, got these pipes in and out of my body, cannot spend time with him etc...  He constantly ask for the past few months "mommy doctor?  Mommy hurt?".  I cannot help but to tell him the truth and said 'yes, mommy doctor and mommy is hurt... but very soon mommy will be fine. When mommy no more doctor and no more hurt.... mommy will travel with Jake. Mommy will bring Jake to the zoo.'  Jake would reply back 'yes mommy... I want to take bus and taxi....  and uhm.. I want to see BIG elephant and alligator...'.  Once in a while, he would take my hand and give a kiss on the back of my hand.  So many times, I get worked up with emotions when he does that but I tried to stay strong and don't allow him to see me about to bawl.  I have managed to hold it in and simply tell him ' thank you Jacob for kissing mommy... I love you very much'.  So this past weekend, finally brought Jacob too the zoo in a very late afternoon.  I paced myself when I was there by walking slowly, breaking and taking a seat while Phil took Jake inside some of the exhibits, and I definitely cover up myself with this large thin scarf, big beach hat, wearing comfortable clothing and running shoes, and brought 3L of water with me to sip away during our 2.5 hrs adventure with Jake :)    Pretty beat after that. Only today I realized that both of my left and right ankles looked bruised!!!  It does hurt but not crazily like the time I pulled a tendon around the inside of my ankle.  Looks like my recovery is happening but surely not fast enough...  Will definitely need to pace myself more when it comes to walking and doing any exercise!!!

Just before my GI tube removal, I have received so many thoughtful gifts.  I feel bad that everyone is spoiling me during this tough time.... seriously.. I do....  I will need to do something real good to return those kind hearts and thoughtful gifts that I got from so many people so far.  First, Phil's cousin from Vancouver was over for their brother's wedding.  They bought me a Pandora charm 'hugs and kisses'.  One of my best friend that lives north of Toronto also bought me this lovely bag, book and scarf... it was meant to be used during the treatments but it is all good cause I can still make good use of it even now :)  My other best friend in Montreal ordered me a 'no more chemo cake' and also sang me the 'no more chemo song'. It is a camp Trillium tradition where they would sing and bake this cake whenever the children have completed their treatment.  My other best friend in town sent me a surprised card... very touching and kind words that brought tears to my eyes.  My sister-in-law and brother who just came back from Hawaii also bought me a Pandora charm to celebrate the end of my treatments.  I just can't help but to feel so spoiled, blessed, and thankful for all these gifts. More importantly, is the good relationship and care that I have been continuously getting from everyone regardless tangible gifts or not.  The majority of my friends, especially the ones who have a family have been constantly reaching out and checking up on my progress.  Totally blessed with great friends and family members. I am definitely a lucky girl. :)

I will continue to update my blog on a regular 1-1.5 weeks basis.  I will be going in to do a bloodwork this week to see if I have somewhat gone back to normal since the last chemo.  I will also be going through PMH to get my teeth examined.  My final testing and review should be next month.  I think my eyesight test is in October.  Recently, I have been feeling good and strong.  When people told me that I will come out stronger even more than before after going through this.  I now start to believe it cause definitely, I feel like I have been 'empowered'.  Something beyond the simple word 'strong'.  I feel like I really need to out and do something crazy!!  Nothing can really be move devastating than to lose your own daughter within a few min. of birth and literally going through my own life and death experience.  I definitely feeling like I want to be a new me and will be one.  I am feeling positive about my future and goals.  I can't wait to spend the next few months working on recovery and hopefully, bring some of my goals to fruition next year.  I am super duper excited, pumped, and empowered with positive energy!  I just haven't really figured out my recovery plan.... once I get the recovery plan figured out, I will certainly share it in my blog.  Slowly feels like my body is coming back together, another step closer to the end of this traumatic experience.

Finally This Day Has Come

Finally, my final treatment is complete and the tube is removed!  Before, I thought I would be excited to get to this day but when I actually got everything unhooked, I felt fairly neutral.  I think it is because the final closure on this challenge hasn't been confirmed yet.  Regardless, I am happy that I don't have chemo treatments and that I can finally focus on the recovery.  I am definitely pretty beat this round as much as last few rounds of treatment.  I am trying very hard to rest as much as possible because I want to try to attend Phil's cousin wedding ceremony next Saturday.  I won't be able to attend the dinner reception but at least I hope to be there to see them get married. Also, I want to see my in-laws that I haven't seen in ages, would be good to be out for a bit.

Looking back at the past few weeks and months, my parents have totally stepped up above and beyond the call. Especially in the past week or so.  We have landscaper coming in to do work but a lot had to be managed and I don't have the energy to take care of it. Also, Phil is at work and can only contribute so much.  My parents are crazy hard workers... helping us maintain our lawn, digging out weeds on a weekly basis, watering my edible garden, constantly cleaning and fixing my house, cooking many meals throughout the day, working their other job, managing the landscapers work to make sure they are doing things appropriately, running in and out buying stuff for this project etc.... last night, my dad and Phil were out so late fixing this conduit pipe for future lighting installation, they are so exhausted and tired from all the digging and installation.  Phil took a 4 hrs nap yesterday while my parents were still out and about doing stuff so that Phil and I can rest!  I'm so glad that my parents are very well rounded people and know how to take care so much stuff.  As much as I want to rely on my husband only, his knowledge on how things are done (especially with the house), and his time are very limited.  Can't blame him for not knowing because he didn't grow up with anyone showing him how to do it. With not much guidance and lead, how can I expect him to know it right?  I don't know many parents who are like mine who know so much and can do so much for their age.  Although the past months have been SO STRESSFUL, and we all have gone into many fights and arguments with my parents due to personality and mindset clashes, both my husband and I still feel very blessed and lucky to have them with us, helping us during this time because at the end of the day, they both work over 14 hours a day taking care of all errands making our lives easier for the present and future.

August is a crazy busy month... so much is going on.  I can't believe it is August already.  I just really want summer to last longer so that I can enjoy it. This month is busy because so much needs to be completed before Fall including our landscaping project. Everything is so dusty and my parents are constantly cleaning the house throughout the day from outside entrance to the inside of the house.  Our new home Tarion warranty is around the corner so we need to walk around the house to see what needs to be fixed and tell the builder before the end of the month.  I already scheduled the nail pop dry wall guy to come and fix touch up any areas in the house in the coming week.  Once the landscaping is done, we need to wash all of our windows (inside and out)!  I need to schedule the duct cleaners sometime in September to come and do a thorough clean-up! We have so much stuff in our basement that Phil and I been talking about doing a good clean-out! Since our move, we have so many boxes of STUFF that we haven't opened.  It will require a lot of time and energy to do a massive cleanout and it must be done soon!  Also, Jake toys and artwork from school started to pile up everywhere! I constantly ask Phil to help me sort through it but he hasn't got a chance.  Of course, he is waiting for me to help him with that.....  not to mention Jake has build up an ARMY of clothes in his closet... It is unbelievable!  I need to store away those clothes that he can't wear anymore,  So much STUFF?!!!!  It bugs the hell out of me so bad!  Especially now that I have more energy to look around the house and actually get bothered from it.  I don't like clutter, messy, and unorganized home.  Oh..  another thing, all paperwork are sitting around waiting for me to sort through... ARG!!!!  I managed to get some done last month cause Phil lost balanced and cannot keep up with it and he really doesn't know where everything is sorted cause I owned and kept things organized before.  I feel so frustrated at times because things are building up and the longer we don't organize these things, the more it will collect and take even more time to go through it all!  Aside from all the house stuff that is on our top list of to do, in about 1.5 weeks from now, FINALLY I can go in to remove my GI Tube!!!  I cannot wait!  This tube is in the way and I cannot sleep properly because every time I try to rotate from side to side in my bed, it is in the way.  I also have hearing test, bloodtest, dental check-up and visit my oncologist in the coming weeks. Other than this, September is going to be a crazy busy month as well.  I have my final MRI test and review with the doctors to check on my health status and to confirm if everything is gone!!! First week of September, I will be transitioning Jake to the new French daycare school that is in Markham.  Also, September weekends are quickly filling up with kids birthdays and weddings...  Not sure how many I can hit but definitely I want to try to go to as many as I can since I have missed out sooooo many already!  Phil and I also want to plan 2 separate family and friends party at our home - perhaps at the end of September.  I haven't seen my friends and many family members in AGES!!!!  So much to do!!!! OMG....  I don't know if I should throw a happy or sad face on thinking about all of this!!!

Just breathe.....  *sigh*.  Given all of the above, I still need to prioritize RECOVERY as my #1focus.  Need to start doing some extremely slow motion stretches, try to eat more and cut down on some ensure.  I'm currently taking 3 bottles of ensure/day, my goal is to cut it down to 2 bottles by next month as long as I can start eating more.  I slowly start to gain back my taste buds but again, my menu is very limited due to dry mouth.  Aside from just the dry mouth, there are a lot of stuff that I need to ban off the list... food that are fried, too much oil, too much salt, preserved meat, seafood, beef, fast food, and also eating out. Hopefully, eating a full meal is not too far away in the future.