Speaking about impacting other people's life, I didn't realize how many people been following my blog, thinking about me every single day, and started to make adjustment with their own lives. I'm very happy to hear that my life experience and my blog have helped others. I got almost over 3,000 views from my blog?! Back in high school, I've won the Lieutenant Governor General Award for making a difference in people's life. Not that I'm looking to win another award but I often wonder when can I make more difference in people's life just like those high school days. I feel very happy when I can help people. I used to do a lot of volunteer work and in the recent years, instead of doing hands on volunteer work I just donate money and support friends who are raising funds for various charities. I guess since I got sick, I have helped a lot of people indirectly. I was telling my best friend today that I didn't know what I was thinking but my heart wanted to help people all the time even during the most challenging time. This goes way back to March, when I first met my oncologist, a nurse came to ask me if she can use my records for research. I agreed instantly without regrets. Not only that involves a 5 long pages survey but also it would mean giving 2 additional bottles of blood, a total of 8 bottles. I remember my husband giving me the "are you crazy" look. When the nurse walked away to give me time to complete the survey, my husband right away asked me, why did you say yes to this, you just found out you have cancer, I don't want you to stress, you hate giving blood, what are you thinking, etc.... I just remember telling him that I don't know why but I know that the more information they have from patients like me, the better they can collect data on how this cancer is developed and better treat future patients. I can only get the best treatment today with the help of patients who in the past have agreed to do something similar. Without patients who volunteer to do things like this, treatment plans can never really improve and neither can all the medical researcher continue to understand better this disease. Let's be honest here, when the nurse told me how many bottles of blood they will take from me anyway to do testing and help me set-up my treatment plan, I was going to faint. I hate giving blood and I often over react more than I should; I'm such a CHICKEN. But when she said that if I agree to the research they will only take 2 more bottles, in my head I was thinking if I was going to faint anyway and the needle is in my arm already as mind as well give her all the blood I got. So I have accepted it. Speaking about helping people, I have accepted to be interviewed tomorrow by a social worker and doctor who wants to understand better my experience, my thoughts on how to improve the entire program and how to cope with the treatments, etc... I've asked her how they heard about me and they told me that my nurse and treatment doctors thought I would be a good candidate to be part of their other research. I don't have much comments about the treatments itself because I am no doctor. However, having gone through almost the entire experience, along the way I have seen enough and do have ideas on how to help them improve the program for other people who diagnosed with the same condition. Regardless whenever or not they will deploy my opinions/ideas, I think being able to help these people who are trying to help others make feel so good! :)
This past week, I have been able to do Ipad facetime for a short period w/ my best friend. I received an email from my very good guy friend from university that I have lost touch for a few months that cheered me up. I also spoke to my compassionate boss and she brought laughter to my heart. My director also sent me a text message to let me know she is thinking about me and wish me well this week. I continuously get supportive text and email messages from family and friends who lives close and far away. I painted w/ Jake again. I managed to drink some watercrest soup, a finger long vegetable, 2 small pieces (dice size) chicken, and 1 bowl of watered down congee. Every day, I push myself a bit and remind myself that I must try to eat something small via the mouth even though it burns. I am a little disappointed that I can't eat 1 meal by mouth by now. Hopefully, in 1 to 2 more weeks from now, I can chow down 1 meal. What else happened this week... oh yes! I slept in my own room next to my husband for the first time in 2.5 months! Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well because I am not used to the bed. I'm back in the front room, alone, for at least the next 2 weeks. What else....??? Oh yes!! I'm so happy and excited to have 2 new babies in the family!!!! My cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby boy on May 22nd and my husband cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby girl on the same day?!!! What are the odds?!! My little Jake is so lucky to have so many cousins already but this year, he has 3 more new cousins!!! I can't wait to see both of them!!! This brings up something...many people are surprised the fact that I am ok to hear and be around other people's baby and pregnancy news. I don't know why but after talking to my best friend today she told me why. She said that I've always been a person who is very happy for other people. Who is happy to see other people happy. Who gets excited when good things happen to people that I know. So, despite what happened to me and how unfortunate my life is, I am who I am... will always be happy for other people. I guess she is right and not everyone is like me. Some people will be so traumatized by now if they lived what I have been going through and likely cannot be around other people who has good news to share. I often compete with my own self and have zero intention to compete with other people or wish they go to hell - even with people whom I don't like. I don't ask why or get jealous about what other people have. I don't get sad, depressed, or hide in the dark about how shit my life is compare to others because I know deep in my heart there are a lot of people out there who are worst off in life. In fact, I always know I am VERY LUCKY compared to all family members from previous generations. One example that I will never forget is my own father's life. He barely spent time or seen his own father growing up. He immigrated to Canada with grandma and uncle with zero English language background. Not to mention when he arrived in Canada, he lived in a small town called North Bay. Those days, the entire family had no money, don't know English, and don't know anyone. Don't even know what Winter is like or how to cope with this crazy cold weather. However, he thought coming here is the best thing ever, a family reunion, a chance to finally be with his father, and good days/dream big can happen soon. Only 2 years or less after he arrives, my grandfather turned ill - so sick and was sent to a hospital out here in Toronto. Later they found out he has leukemia and they quickly treated him. However, due to weak immune system for some reason, grandpa also caught some kind of bacteria in the lungs and needed to undergo an emergency surgery. Before we know, after a year long treatment for leukemia, grandpa passes away. My father was only 14 years old at the time and has 2 younger brother. When I hear about my own father and grandpa experiences, I tell myself I must stay strong and I am lucky that I have such a strong father. For the past two months, my dad was juggling his full-time job while taking care and watching me go through so much "HELL". I cannot help but to stay as strong as I can: my only way to help my father and those around me to cope with this crazy stress.
I've been praying for an acquainted friend who is also battling cancer. I met her back in the days when I used to do fashion shows and modelling. She is living with stage 4 brain cancer and doctor told her many months ago that she wouldn't survive beyond X months. Right now, she has passed that time and still fighting strong! I believe she is the same age as I or similar. I asked all my great people who know me, when you are praying, please pray for her too; just like me. :)
Quote for this week that matches some of the thoughts in this blog:
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