How to Stay Strong? I need your help.

Over the past 7 weeks, thank you everyone for trying to reach out to me. It’s been very difficult as you can imagine.  We can say that time have gone by very fast but at the same time, very slow.  I decided to open this blog up to share my recent experiences with you all. I am seeking for a way to put down all my thoughts vs. containing it all in my head! It’s driving me nuts!  Also, I’m looking for your support spiritually.

I can’t believe it’s been 7 weeks since we’ve lost our beautiful Charlotte. I still remember the day we found out that we will be having a daughter, how thrilled and excited our feelings were.  Little as we know, a bit over a month that we were going to go from cloud 9 to wherever you call it… cloud -9?!  On Saturday January 12^th, I started to feel some gas like pain all over my abdomen. After several hours in the morning of feeling this unusual pain, I decided to check in labor and delivery room at the hospital.  My own OB doctor happens to be on call and on site this day.  She checked me and confirmed that I am probably just gassy and sent me home.  But after lunch and finished putting Jacob down for a nap, I felt something abnormal again so I went back to the hospital.  After 2 hrs of wait time, my OB who was on call still came by to check me.  She decided to look into it more.  After she did her thing and took some cultures to send it in for testing, she told me what to expect.  She said that I am already 2 cm dilated and that she will put me down for bed rest at the hospital. If I don’t continue to dilate nor delivery the baby tonight, they can maybe see if we can do a small surgery to tie my cervix up.  I can’t believe my ears and of course I called Phil and shared with him the bad news.  At this point, because we don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, I decided not to share anything with my parents.  Only my brother and his wife knew.  The entire night, I kept praying and asking for a miracle.  Every second, every minute, and every hour count!  By around midnight, the pain didn’t come back anymore and I thought maybe things are going to be good now.  I also managed to catch up with some sleep.  The next day at around 8am when I woke up, the nurse came to check up on me.  I felt the baby kicking, and listen to her heartbeats. Everything seemed normal. However, a few minutes after, I started to feel these sharp pains.  This time, it was not gas like type of pain.  I felt my abdomen tighten…  The nurse asked the OB doc on call to check on me.  Unfortunately, everything that I did not want it to happen did.  The OB said that my membrane ruptured and I was already 6 cm dilated.  I can’t believe my ears and couldn’t help but to burst into tears.  I asked the doctor if there’s any way to save this baby but they said that because she is only 21 weeks, anything they would normally do for a 24 weeks old is too much for a 21 weeks old baby. It would be more torture and suffering if they try to save her.  She’s just too young.  Because I’m already 6 cm dilated, they also can’t do anything about it. I must deliver her.  I had to quickly give Phil a call and tell him to come to the hospital.  I also called my family and shared the bad news.  I delivered my baby naturally with no epidural. She came out very fast… so fast that I didn’t have enough time to get the epidural.  Our beautiful Charlotte came out in peace, no crying but still breathing and heart beating for quite a while.  Unfortunately, by the time I finished delivering the placenta and they pass me the baby (20 min. later), my Charlotte has passed away.  I still recall the entire process was such a traumatic experience.  When I found out I had to deliver my baby, my brain went crazy… I didn’t know what to think but knowing that she won’t live.  When I had to deliver her, not only I was crying like crazy because of all those contraction pains did hurt so much but at the same my heart was in so much pain knowing that my baby won’t live.  When I finally met her, I couldn’t stop crying.  It’s great to finally meet her but I was so sad that I would never hear her call me mommy.  I haven’t had the opportunity to build any memories with her.  I can’t believe what just happened!  I was so torn apart and hurt from this traumatic experience.  Then the sadness continues, because she was born with heartbeats, they classify this as neonatal death. It’s neither a stillbirth nor a miscarriage.  By law, we must get her a birth certificate and do the whole funeral thing. 

Later that week, Phil and I went out to the cemetery to choose a lot for our little one.  We’ve also decided to buy some stuff to put in her coffin. It’s a small coffin and therefore we need to be very carefully on what we get.  This was by far the hardest thing to do.  I went out to get her a favorite book that I’ve been reading it to Jacob so that she has one too. I also bought her some clothes, hats, mitts, and gave a pair boots that I got from a close friend who bought it for her.  I went out to chapters and bought her a small rattle toy, a comfy blanket….  It was so hard to buy anything for her. I wanted to BUY IT ALL!  But I couldn’t!!! I was very mad and extremely sad.  Every single toy I saw that was for girls, I wanted to get it for her. I wanted to get her more than just 1 dress but I couldn’t because the coffin wouldn’t allow me to fit everything in it.   After the funeral, we finally felt a bit of closure.  However, the pain doesn’t stop here.  I didn’t think my milk would come in but it did.  Not only it was painful to go through almost 10 engorgement and can’t do anything about it but also the feeling that I don’t have a baby to feed made my 3-4 days living it very hard, miserable, and stressful.  I didn’t think I can take 3 days of this pain but I did. So there goes 2 weeks of my January 2013 life.  Near the end of the month, I started to think forward and make plans to recover and stay healthy.

Everyone seems to have his or her own views as to why I lost my baby.  I personally chose to believe that God decided to take her away for a reason.  Whatever that reason is, it’s probably for the better.  We always tend to think that nothing bad can happen. If we get to see her future, maybe it’s worst than what I’ve already gone through.  Maybe she would suffer even more… nobody knows. I trust that God is doing us a favor for all of us and he has great plans ahead.  I trust and believe that as long I take care of myself, focus on getting healthy, and I’ll soon be able to plan for a healthy baby next time.

After I delivered my baby, I thought my breathing would get better. However, it didn’t and it got worst. I started to get these sharp headaches that linger around for a day and somehow comes and goes….  I started to feel a lot of pressure on my face because my nose is blocked.  I also haven’t been able to sleep through the night because my nose would be so blocked that I would wake up from it.  I had a FREAKIN’ hard time breathing! Also, I have this small lump on my neck that I kept asking doctors about it.  They all keep telling me to wait a few weeks to see if it goes away. Perhaps, I might be fighting some kind of cold/infection.  When I saw my OB near the end of January, I asked for a referral to see an ENT.  She finally agreed and sent away the referral but the appointment wasn’t going to be until end of February!!!   Because I had such a hard time breathing and getting tons of headaches from the lack of oxygen, I decided to call the ENT to see if they can book me in for an earlier appointment. The secretary was kind enough to call me back confirming that the earliest time is the date that I have on hand.  I asked if she can put me on a cancellation wait list and she agreed to do so.  The 2^nd week of Feb she called me back and confirmed that the ENT doc can see me a week earlier than the originally appointment date. Thank god he can see me sooner! However, I didn’t know a bad news was around the corner!  When I went to see the ENT, he looked in my nose to see what’s going on.  He noticed that I have a lot of polyps blocking my left nose and therefore answers the reason why I couldn’t breath from that side.  He also decided to look a bit further back of my nose and noticed something that didn’t look right.  Overall, he’s not sure what he saw and must do a biopsy to confirm.  He told me that he needs to remove those polyps to help me breath.  So, yes… a SURGERY!  I can’t believe that I need to do that. I didn’t want to of course but looks like I don’t have a choice especially if I want to breath better.  When he called his secretary, he told her that he must do the surgery on me ASAP in the next few days. 

Unfortunately, the day surgery schedule is fully booked until end of Feb and I must wait until then.  I went to see the secretary and told her that I live very close by and can do the surgery anytime. The secretary said that she’ll do her best to check in with the hospital everyday to see if they can schedule me in for a sooner date and she will let me know ad-hoc.  The next day, the secretary confirmed that my surgery will be the next day! Wow! That was fast!!!!  I was pretty anxious and didn’t know how to think of this.  Everything is happening so fast again! Don’t have a lot of time to digest this.  After the surgery, right away I can breath but I had to go through an entire day of nosebleed, and 4 days of soar throat from the surgery. After all this, I was hoping this is it. Seriously!!! This has to be it! 4 weeks of craziness and I don’t know how much more I can hang on to if I need to face with something else. I tried very hard to stay positive, away from stress and just rest as much as I can so that I can recover quickly.  I looked forward to start doing hot yoga and strengthen myself.  My plan was to start work hopefully sometimes in April as long I'm healthy and up running!

How much rock bottom can you hit?  Even I don’t know how to answer to this question anymore.  You would think I hit THE ROCK BOTTOM already… but I didn’t!  Exactly a week after my surgery, the ENT called me in the morning to share the worst news of my life.  He told me that the biopsy test came back positive for nasopharyngeal non-keratinizing carcinoma.  WTF!!!!!  What did he say?  He said it so fast with foreign words that I didn’t understand it!!  He repeated the diagnosis and then said… yeah.. it’s cancer that I have.  I was like…. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING in my head!  I was quiet for a few seconds and then asked him what kind of cancer. He said that the biopsy that he took was between my nose and throat.  He will be forwarding my files and his referral to a top specialist downtown who will cure me.  I asked him what he meant when he said ‘cure’.  I felt so betrayed after all of this. The fact that every time I hope for the best, the WORST happens.  Every time, I start to feel a bit better and back on the recovery path, I need to go through some kind of crazy S***! I walk 10 steps forward, and I keep falling backward....   I don’t know if cure is going to happen and if he’s just saying that just to make me feel a bit better.  However, the ENT did say that this cancer is treatable and the specialist will cure me.

Since I found out this news, my mind has gone crazy!  WTH!!! WTF!!  That’s how I felt the entire day.  I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to react to this news. Only near the evening is when this news start to settle down in my mind and I started to melt down as each hours progress.  The first night, I can’t help with all kinds of thoughts ringing in my head. I was so tense that I couldn’t sleep until maybe pass 5am…  I was super exhausted!  The next day, Jacob has a school friend’s birthday to attend. We went to the party but during the whole event, my brain can’t help but to let all kinds of negative thoughts come through my mind.  I started to ask myself a gazillion of times, why me.  Why do I have this? Why in so little of time this needs to happen? Does god think I didn’t go through enough traumas yet?  I worked so hard trying to recover and stay positive.  I felt so betrayed or someone poured salt or vinegar over my recent scars.  Physically and mentally…. I feel pain.  Am I going to die?  What about having another baby?  Why did my baby leave? Does she have cancer too? Am I going to die? I can’t help but to think that I will die. Is this going to be my last few days or weeks with Phil and Jacob?  I don’t want to die.  I have so much that I haven’t done that I still want to do!  The more I think the more I start to burst into tears… I can’t help with all the emotions and thoughts that are coming through….  I really don’t want to die. I always say how much I love life. I love to live and if I can press the button on when to end my life, I will press ‘ NEVER’.  I don’t want to die.  Every time I see Jacob smiling at me, it breaks my heart and it worries me that I may not see that face anymore.  Every time Jacob calls me ‘mommy’ I was afraid that it would be the last time I will hear that.  I want to see him grow up just like other moms. I want to be there for his graduations, witness his own marriage and see him have kids etc…  I want to see him grow up! I want to be able to give him siblings. I want to stay alive!!!  Did I overwork and that’s why I have this?  Did I eat something bad? What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do? What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I’ve been too strong and that’s why God wants to test my limit.  Or is it because I haven’t been strong enough and god decided to give me this cancer? WTF? I have never felt so many emotions and cried so much in my entire life!

I haven’t shared it with my parents yet.  I am not ready to deal with how they will react to this news.  I am scared that I will bawl in front of them and I don’t want them to be even more upset once they know.  I’m also not ready to see how they will react and won’t be able to manage their feelings. Since I don’t know how far along I am and more tests needs to be done, I decided to wait on sharing this news with them.  I want to be more confident, and positive when I share this news so that hopefully they won’t be so sad/upset. I want to come across positive and confident that I will be able to beat the crap out of this cancer so that they can also feel positive about this whole thing too.

After 3 days or so after finding out this C news, I slowly try to regain focus and find ways to stay positive. It hasn’t been easy but I’ve been trying.  I told myself that I can’t let this cancer take over my life.  I’m gonna need to beat it.  I need to be a survivor.  Instead of maybe thinking of all the causes and downsides, I need to shift my focus to the opposites of all of this.  I start to believe that I have done NOTHING wrong! Screw those superstitions, and what I ate that caused this! It’s not because I worked hard and over-stressed.  It’s not because I am strong or not strong.  I have done nothing wrong!  In fact, the way I am maybe saved my life?!  I’ve been so determined that something was wrong with my nose and lump on my neck that I kept asking the docs about it.  Just that none of them until a month ago decided to refer me to see a specialist. If I am not the determined type, I could have let this go and who knows when I will find out about this cancer. Thank god that I have a kid when I was younger. If I didn't, who knows when I can have my first?!  I thank god so much for this and certainly glad that I have Jacob.  Also, I tried to be healthy by cooking healthy food to eat as often as I can. Perhaps, more than 75% my week is homemade food! If I didn’t do this, maybe my health is worst.  Because I’m such a planner and low risk type of a person, I purchased critical illness insurances. And now money is not a concerned while I’m off work and I can totally focus 100% on getting treated. One less thing for my family to worried about.  I am lucky enough to work for a great company with lots of colleagues and bosses who care and support me. Also, my family and friends are my backbone; they will support, care, love, and help endlessly if I ask.  I am lucky that this is a treatable cancer.  I must thank god for all of this.  Everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps, my little Charlotte knows that I have this.  She made the decision for me and she has sacrificed herself to save mine.  This is what I start to believe in…  that if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have found out about this cancer.  I can’t imagine if I was still pregnant and I found out that I have cancer.  Can you imagine the kinds of thoughts that would have created?! Is my daughter going to be normal? How can I be treated without harming my baby? Do I end her life to save mine? Do I carry on with the pregnancy, hoping that this cancer doesn’t develop further and that I can be treated later?  What if I do carry on with this pregnancy but it means that it will end my life?  OMG… you name it…  I can’t imagine.  I think my daughter knew that I have it. She wants me to save my life now and have a baby later. Maybe later when I am well enough to have a baby, she will come back?  Whatever it is, I cannot waste her sacrifice.  Also, I cannot let my happy Jacob turned into an unhappy child! He's such a happy kid with full of smiles on his face everyday, I cannot let him down.  I cannot let my husband down.  I cannot let my family down and any of your support down!!!  I’m gonna to start living life like I mean it and BEAT the hell out of this cancer! I need to be 100% cancer free!!!  I’m going to surround myself with positive people and do all the things that I WANT TO DO!

After all of this, what more can I fear?  Nothing matters now. It's all about me. I will live life like I mean it more than before! I looked up online for a huge list of cancer fighting food and went out to buy it! Every day, I’m trying at least 1 new recipe to help build my immune system.  I’m gonna eat more healthy food! I started to do meditation yoga last week to try to reduce stress and anxiety.  LOVE IT!  I also reached out to a psychologist to help me find ways to de-stress and stay more positive. I also started to paint, something that I love and never found time to do it! 

I need to be positive, confident, healthy and strong.  Together with treatments, with your support, I told myself that I would be a survivor coming out of this! 

I’m sharing you my story not looking for pity. Rather I’m looking for your help to cheer for me.  Your cheers will motivate me and give me positive energy to fight this cancer battle. Sharing my news with you did help and remind me of the good intentions that I set for myself.  I hate to say it but it’s true…   all the things that I have gone through is an experience that is very difficult for many of you to understand. Only those who have the same experience can understand how traumatic it is.  I don’t expect you to understand but only want you to hold me accountable for the good intentions that I’ve said and hold me accountable so that I can fight this battle.

I'm sure you are all shocked (just like me...). I don't expect you to write back or know what to write back.  It's ok.  I just wanted you to know and get your mental/spiritual support!  

This is it for now! Tomorrow is my big day at the hospital going though (10 hrs of testing….).  Let’s hope and pray that my cancer is only early stage and that it hasn’t spread too far!

Thank you for reading.