Another Treatment Completed!

After getting chemo drugs for 5 days on a row where I spent 1 day in the hospital and the rest of it at home, I am so glad that it is over! Too bad, I still have 2 more rounds of these to go.  When they told me that they will insert a longer plastic tube needle inside my vein, I thought it was like a finger long.  Only on Monday, when my dad brought me back to the hospital to get the stuff removed, I then found out really how long that plastic needle was!!  Both my dad and I were so surprised to see the length of that thing inside my arm.  It was no jokes, literally 8 inches long!! The length between my elbow and shoulders! No wonder my right arm felt so paralyzed... skinny arm, skinny veins, and got this freakin' long tube inside of it! The past 5 nights, I was only able to sleep on my back.  For some reason, my GI tube was hurting me a little as well, so I couldn't rotate.  My left shoulder blade is killing me... not sure if I pulled a muscle or this pain is a result of sleeping too much on my back!  Now, I have approx. 3.5 weeks of break before the next round of chemo - yes.. 2nd last one!!!!!  I cannot wait! Hate to see another long plastic tube get inserted again... :(

Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal!  I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs!  Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!!  So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp!  :(   I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping!  It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour!  She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds!  She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work.  I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July.  So, I must wait.  The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea.  I really want this tube gone!!!  So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably....  Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.

Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience.  I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback.   It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas  that I believe could make a difference for future patients.  I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone.  I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out.  The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week!  I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves!  It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous.   The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions.  Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help.  3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..)  It is so important!!!  When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it.  It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different.  Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment.  I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress.  People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't!  There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help.  Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it.  And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick!  So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this?  Go figure!

Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me.  I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself.  We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about.  So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it.  We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this....  whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this."  She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time......  She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?"  I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life.  This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control!  Of course it changed my life!  If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc...  Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!!  The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals....  I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?!  It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience

Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B.  I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me....    Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it.  But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life?  What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child?  My goals are fairly basic:  continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business.  I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it.   So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully.  I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live.  I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.

Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky.  Why?  Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well.  The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver!  I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time.  I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care.  Totally blessed!  The support that I have been getting truly amazes me!  I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me?  I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care.  So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)