A Small Milestone & Thoughts

Last week was post-chemo and I really challenged myself to try to eat a little more, walk a little more, and do a few things that I haven't done for a long time.  Let's start with eating.  I made quite a big improvement - in my world.  As an example, yesterday, I had 1 bowl of oatmeal, 1 boiled egg, and 1 corn on a cob! Of course, I still have my usual 2 bowls of chinese herbal medicine and 4 bottles of Ensure.  I don't eat like this everyday, I try to pace myself.  Today, I only had 1/4 of a croissant, 1/2 banana and 1 bowl of chinese melon soup. As for walking, yes I certainly walked a lot more!!!  So much that I am trying to figure out if I sprained my left ankle because it is a little swollen or I am fighting some kind of infection or this is due to chemo.  I am not sure and will need to wait for my homecare nurse to visit me tomorrow to ask about it.  I should have wore a better pair of shoes to walk around the block. Been just wearing my flats. Almost every early evening, once the sun is almost down, I would go out with my father and walk around the block to breath some fresh air.  Also, I managed to hit some stores!!  I chose early during the day when there is not a lot of people to go out with my father to run some errands (i.e. pick-up grocery, or browse).  I would only be in the store for 20-30 min because after this period, I get extremely exhausted due to traffic, and tired looking around at stuff. I managed to hit up a Walmart, Costco, T&T Supermarket, Future Shop, and Melonhead for Jacob's haircut.  Pretty much almost 1 store per day! I am sure a happy camper last week because I start to feel a bit more human!!! Also, near the end of the weekend, I got to see a few of my cousins who came by to go to the neighborhood park with Jacob.  Jacob had such a blast hanging out with his cousins who are around his age! I am so happy to see my little one having such a great time.  Especially the fact the we don't know when we will have a sibling for Jacob, I really want him to see his cousins more often so that he build a strong relationship with them.  Just like how I feel about my own cousins, they are like brothers and sisters to me. :)  Aside from all of this, I didn't think I was gonna be able to go out and celebrate father's day with my two fathers but I did it! Although I just sat there at the restaurant, didn't eat but drank my Ensure, it felt good to be able to be there in person and just be there.... just be there for them to see me and give them a sense of 'everything will be ok' and that I am getting better slowly.  So yes, I finally saw my in-laws for the first time since March!!!  I was very happy to see them as much as they were happy to see me!  I also saw my bother's in-laws who care very much about my wellbeing too.  I feel like I hit quite a milestone last week. I just hope the weeks ahead are moving in the same direction and gets even better!

In terms of sleeping, I still haven't been able to sleep through the night without waking up at some point. Last night I kept waking up almost every hour between 2am and 5am!  My nose keep feeling stuffed, my lower back bone aches from sleeping on the back after a while, and I can't seem to sleep deep enough because my brain can't stop thinking.  What am I thinking?  Too much random stuff, and some are just thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be having.  My brain takes me back to January of this year where everything started fall apart.  This year was suppose to be the year I go on matleave and not on a freakin' sick leave!  I was suppose to have a newborn baby to care for vs. delivering a baby who's heart was still beating and then passes away... and my entire family is trying to take care of me! My thoughts keep going along all unpredictable events that happened so far.  I had a conversation with my nanny today about how unpredictable life can be.  She later said well, the guy up there wouldn't give a challenge that you can't manage.  I want to believe that but I am unsure.  Did god really give me a challenge that he really thinks I can beat it or he wants to make me stronger cause I'm weak?  I don't know anymore. I don't want to think anymore about it but I find it hard now that I start to feel a little bored, not doing much these days other than trying to rest more to recover.  I also had a conversation with my husband a few days back how I felt like being a good person gets no rewards. At one point, I felt like I need to be a bad person moving forward - whatever that means.  He told me that he also had some crazy thoughts like this too before.  I guess after going through and facing 'life & death', literally twice now for us in a short period of time, your brain gets a good smack!  I know I can't think like this, and likely won't be a bad person coming out of all this. I must continue to try to stay good: be a good citizen, family member, friend, and colleague.  I have always believed in retribution.  If you're bad, you will pay the price for it somehow.  Also, if you live too good and not do any good to help others, you will also pay your dues!

Other thoughts been going through my mind is trying to decide if I should read my own blog from the beginning.  I was trying to find strength during my chemo a week ago and thought maybe reading my own blog can help since everyone been telling me how after they read my blog, they all comment how strong I have been etc...  So, if people thinks I am strong after reading my blog, I should feel strong reading my own blog... right?  However, I didn't do that. I was scared that I won't be any stronger but just going to end up in tears for reading old and sad memories.  I decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, and just bare the pain I had at that time and praying for the clock to tick faster so that the nurse can remove my chemo plastic tube.  Speaking about staying strong and being strong... what does that mean?  I've been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about the word 'strong'.  I think there are many types and ways to express this but I thought about only 2 versions right now.  There are two types of people who can be strong but only 1 is the ultimate 'strong' person.  The first type is someone who is constantly challenging themselves and trying different things outside of their comfort zone.  This person seeks challenge that many won't consider and will try to achieve it.  For example, maybe climbing Mount Everest, sky diving, etc....  These people are strong and courageous!  However, those challenges are by choice. Not forced to do it.  They build great strengths and skills to make themselves look and feel strong but I don't view these people as the 'ultimate strong' people in life.  The 2nd type of strong people are those who didn't choose the challenge but needs to face it.  Whether you like it or not, the challenge is life and death.  Strengths must be found and sometimes, people can't find it or don't even have the chance to fight.  For example, imagine yourself waking up the next day where what you do doesn't matter anymore.  Mother nature decided to throw a Tsunami in your face.  It is all about you, your family and survival.  Are you going to live?  What happens to your house? What about your family, maybe they just died from drowning in this crazy disaster?  Who cares how much you have or have not accomplished....  are you going to live and how will you live is the big standing question.  If you're still living, you got nothing now.  Your home is gone, everything you own is gone, and now you got the entire city with dead, sick, and injured people around you.  You might be living now, but you can easily catch an infection because of this mess. How are you going to manage your life now?  If you want a sense of how this is like, watch the movie called "The Impossible" because in real life it is much worst than this.  How about another example....  you wake up and your country decided to have a war around you!  Can you fleet that fast? Perhaps if you have the money. But if not, guess what, guns and bombs aren't far away and maybe you will be hit with one before you know it.  And of course, being critical ill like having cancer or going through a heart attack etc...  are all examples of challenges that many people need to face not by choice.   There are probably a lot of different examples that we can continue to call out but this is what I call the 'ultimate' strong people; Either you go through this or someone you love goes through it as you stand by their side.  It is very different from the ones who constantly try to challenge themselves daily, it is not the same type of being 'strong'.  These are the people that are put through a true life test of 'how strong are you'. You don't know how strong you can be until you really got no choice. The focus is all about survival for you and your family.  For me, going through this nightmare of life threatening events have changed my views when people say that person is "strong". The comment 'you are so strong' has a total different meaning to me.

One last thought been triggering my mind all week is the decision on what to do in the future and how much of my life/goals need to be changed.  Since my last blog, I had a short conversation with my husband o how people will view me if I do or not change my goals in life.  I told him that I know some family or friends might tell me to drop what I want to do in life because of what I have been going through.  My husband shared with me his point of views on all of this.  He pointed out that he agrees with me that I should follow my heart and go ahead continue to believe and try to achieve the goals I have set for myself.  He made a comment about the only people who thinks you shouldn't follow your goals, change them, and/or drop some of it are the people who normally don't have much goals or interest in their own life.  He said that I am a goal-getter, it overwhelms those who are not.  LOL.... big laugh I had when he said this but comes to think more about it, I don't think my husband is totally wrong.  Whatever it is, I truly don't care what people thinks.  Like it or not, I am going to follow what I want to do in life and as long I have my husband support, that is good enough.  What is right and wrong anyway?  It is whatever we believe in.... right?  Sometimes, I feel like my mind is sitting on a fence and can't really fall on either side.

Alright moving away from all thoughts, I got exactly 2 more weeks to go before my 2nd last chemo!!! OMG - I wish it was the last one!!!  Boy do I not want to have this darn 8 inch plastic tube in my arm and vein!  I really hope they can find a good vein on my left arm vs. my right.  I am still feeling a little bruised on my right arm. Oh gosh.... I just need to stop thinking about all of this. Freakin' myself out ahead of time is no good!! I need to stop!!! I am going to finish off with a prayer for a dear friend's baby and for her family. My friend's baby just went through an unprecedented lung surgery. I am not exactly sure about the whole story but it certainly broke my heart when I heard about it.  It bothered my mind all week and from time to time, I cannot help but to stop during the day and pray:

Dear Lord,
You know my friend so much better than I do. You know her sickness and the burden she carries. You also know her heart. Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now as you work in his life. Lord, let your will be done in my friend's life. If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help her to see her need and confess.
Lord, I pray for my friend just as your Word tells me to pray, for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord, to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why my friend has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort her with your presence.
Let my friend know you are there with her through this difficulty. Give him strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be glorified in her life and also in mine.
Amen.