Health update:
First of all, due to treatments and the level of damages it cause in my body and targeted area, MRI results won't ever look like the first one that was completed back in March. There are 3 areas that show abnormality. These are the areas where the tumour was attached to, touching the roof of the nasal bone area and the part on my left optical eye. What this means is that they don't know whether or not if it is still cancer (active or non-active), or inflammation of the mucosa due to the treatments, or the mucosa turned fibrosis due to treatments, or permanent scars from the treatments. This is why they classified it as abnormal since it is unknown. Doctor believed that give it time, it will clear or remain the same. He said that I am still very early in the stage of recovery given that I just finished my chemo back in August. Both the effect of radiation and chemo are still active in my body and therefore could be causing what we see here. If it is still active cancer cells, there is a chance that the remaining power of the radiation and toxicity from the chemo drugs left in my body can cancel this out in the coming months.
Secondly, the large tumour in my nasalpharynx is not visible as far as they can see from my test. So, yes not there anymore.
Last but not the least, my Epstein Bar Virus level in my blood was once skyrocketed above normal people is no longer detectable. You can say it is gone, no longer present in my blood or it is still present but it is so little that our latest technology can't detect it. Will this ever come back, it can and it may not mean that I have cancer. Some people have cancer without having this EBV in their blood. Also, there are people with EBV in their blood but they don't have a cancer. Doctor has yet to figure out exactly how to leverage this EBV data.
Overall, I think we got good news here. I can't say I felt like I kicked this cancer's ass when I got this news because of those 3 small areas of abnormality. However, I told myself that I think the news could be worst. The later 2 points are GREAT news! At least they didn't say the tumour is still there and only shrunk a little bit.... or anything along this line. Since they can't totally confirm the abnormal areas yet, I told myself not to think about it and not to worry. I realized I will need to try to stay calm and be optimistic. Hope for the best! The doctors were pretty confident that I am and will be fine given the results. So, they didn't requested me to do another test in the future but only asked that I go in for regular check-ups. The news they shared with me is considerably great, but I am still concerned about those small dark spots. I want to make sure it is either scars or inflammation that hasn't healed vs. cancer. I actually called the doctor back after receiving the news back in September right away the next day and told him that I would appreciate if I can get another MRI completed in January before seeing them for my check-up appointment that month. They agreed so, fingers crossed and hope that I will get what I have been waiting for!
Aside from the MRI results, in October I went in for my eye test. Many friends and family have inquired me if my eyes, especially my left eye if it is still in mint condition. Quite honest, I can't really tell, which is probably a good news but until we do the eye test, nothing is for sure. The good news here is that my left eye is pretty much similar to before I received my treatment. So, vision wise, it hasn't change much however my right eye, vision has degraded a tiny bit. Before treatments, I was able to see with glasses on the smallest letters they posted it up but this time around I managed to only see 1-2 of them. Optometrist said a lot of people don't normally see the last line anyway. This degeneration may or may not have been caused by treatments. They don't know. Also, it could also be my right eye was comprised a little when they targeted my left eye. Sometimes, things in life is hard to say... maybe my right eye was trying to alleviate some of the damages being done with my left. As for my left eye, I still have a HIGH risk of losing vision over time. The word over time can mean anything from a few days, weeks, to years to possibly many many many years. I do have a chance that I may not completely lose vision as well but they don't know. They can only go by the probability they've seen with similar patients who has gone through treatments like me. Hopefully, I am a minority vs. majority in this probably and perhaps, maybe blessings and miracle can happen to me in this aspect? Looking at this on the bright side, at least I am not blind yet! And hopefully, not in the future...... I will keep praying. You will pray for me too?
Past two months....
No matter how much shit a person has experienced, life continues. Aside from going through the above testing, I tried very hard to eat more. More of everything! Around middle of October, I started to be able to not only eat a bit more but also more variety of foods all at once! However, of course with the dry mouth I got, eating more means also drinking a lot of water to help get the food down to my stomach. Only roughly after a week of eating more, I started to feel pain. Yup! Not good! I thought it was one or two days thing but no.... this stomach pain last for at least 3 weeks! I tried to see if certain type of food I ate was triggering it but it wasn't. I could be eating a slice of toast today, feel no pain but the next day eat the same thing, and I get a real bad stomach ache afterwards. It was pretty sporadic and I waited 2 weeks before getting things checked out. I started to get concerned and right away, had to not only slow down my eating but also, EATING LESS in the to figure out what is going on! I asked for an ultrasound test to be done because there was one or two days out of those weeks, I swear that the pain was so strong that it was burning so much of my energy that I had to pass out and nap throughout the day! The last time I took afternoon naps was in September. Near the end of October, I finally got my ultrasound report back and everything seemed clear! *phew! I was ready for them to tell me that I had kidney stones or something.... but glad that all my organs are clear and therefore perhaps the stomach ache after eating is mainly due to the fact that since I haven't eaten food in sooo long, it is just not used to it. And since chemo was killing all the cells and weakens all organs, my stomach perhaps can't digest the food well. Everything takes time and as I start to heal and recover more each day, hopefully, this will go away. So far, the past 2 weeks, I felt less and less stomach pain and slowly started to eat a bit more again.
So the next bad news I have to share that happened in the past month is that my little man got sick! And of course, it was no joke on how tough it was for me trying to take care a sick kid while I am still ill and trying to recover. That totally burnt and killed a few days of my energy but well worth it since my little Jake recovered from a fever after one day of staying at home with me and my hub. Then the next bad news is both my husband and I were sick for 2-3 days! OMG, here we go again, I was coughing my head off and my husband wasn't coughing but he had a bad headache and felt nauseated. Good thing it didn't take us long to recover. I still managed to cook and make dinner for all of us during this time. My parents are no longer staying with us and went back home to take care their own business back in September. So, since September I have been fairly independent trying to 'live' and 'do' some of the things at home. But I was so concerned about the cold that I caught. It was not funny. We literally took an entire weekend just bumming around the house and just nap together when our son was napping. Recovery was the ultimate goal! I didn't take any medication because I wanted my immune to wore off whatever I had. I had so much drugs this year that I tried very hard not to take anything.
Aside from the above good and bad news, another one, pretty bad that happened. So far, I have only driven 4-5x in the evening (i.e. past 8pm). Just 2 weeks ago, someone rear ended into my car! Like, seriously?!? When is the real good luck is coming? I was sitting at a parking lot waiting for a spot. I wanted to go grab dessert and catch up with my brother and sister-in-law that evening around 9pm. I waited, and waited, and waited... for at least freakin' 3 min and was trying to figure out if that car in front of me is gonna leave their spot because their car lights were on! Before I know, I heard and felt a huge bang into my car. I turned around to look through the window behind my seat and all I see is a huge silver MDX at an angle behind my car. I was pretty numb at that moment when it happened. Just a few thoughts went through my head in that split 20 seconds: am I ok? yes I am. What just happened? Oh yeah... Freak! I got hit! Oh well, at least I am ok and it is only just a hassle to get the car fixed now. So of course, I got out of my car to find the man coming out of his MDX car yelling and nervously freaking out at me: "When did you get here? You hit me!". I was so numb, and calm like as if the accident didn't even happen and said: " uh sir, no. I have been here for like at least 2-3 min. waiting for that car with the light on! I didn't hit you. You hit me when you tried to roll out of your handicap spot." He replied back and said that my lights weren't turned on but I asked him, do you see my lights on in my car right now.. and he said yes. Anyway, he was freakin' out so much that while he was talking to me he tried to pull a cigarette out of his pocket, his hands were shaking like he had parkinson disease.... All I said after he tried to blame me for hitting him is that I will just need to call the police. He agreed and said " yes... you call the police". So, after talking to the police, getting the incident # and information, I passed it to the guy. He was choking on his cigarette during this entire time. I looked into his eyes and said, don't worry. It was just an accident. You are not hurt, I am not hurt and the cars can be fixed. No big deal! The blame and reasons that he was trying to put on me wouldn't have worked anyway. My car was perfectly straight and line-up ready to park into the spot I was waiting for. His car was at a 45-60 degree angles right behind my car facing my right side bumper. If I hit him, it would mean that I pulled a reverse and would have scrapped his car. The reality is that his car had no scrap or dent, only just a little crack at the side of his bumper. However, the right side corner of my back bumper was completly DENTED in! Like someone punched my car bumper! So, who's hitting who?! Hello?! Anyway, no big deal, just quite a lot of hassle! That same night after eating dessert with my brother and sister in law, I went back home to call my company car fleet management to report the incident. Right away during the weekday, I went to the police center and reported the incident and had them look at the car. And last week, I finally managed to get the bodyshop to fix it! Yes, sucks that this happened! However, glad that this was in a parking lot and not on the road. Besides, it was a company car so the fix and car rental costs are taken care of! Even if it wasn't and it was out of my pocket.... no big deal. The big deal is that I am alive and ok from this! :)
Enough of the bad.... some of the goods I had this past two months, yes life continues beyond recovery... I am now able to make meals for the family, do grocery run, complete some small household errands.... but of course, I needed to take a lot of breaks fairly often due to energy levels. I do still get quite tired after an intensive errand run but not enough where I need to lay down and nap. As for driving around, I am ok driving for no more than 30-40 min max. After this amount of time, I need to get out and stretch and rest otherwise, I would indeed passes out. I started to get back to baking... and have been baking a storm of cookies! Trying different recipes and variations to find the ultimate best cookie recipes that is healthy to eat! Or at least way healthier than eating store bought ones! I also signed up for chinese painting classes with my bestie sister friend! :) This class helps me to slow down and stay focus on something aside from all the stuff that is constantly in my head! I also managed to see more people now including doing a trip back at work to visit my dear colleagues who have long waited to see me! Yes, I am attending more friends' kid birthday party, and some small gatherings... makes me finally feel more human!
I cannot stress how much I feel so EMPOWERED! Everyone tells me that I am so strong but honestly, I really couldn't have come this far without every single person whom I know or encountered in my life, supported me all the way once they heard of my news. I feel so empowered like as if I can jump off a building now and feel like I can actually survive it! Of course, I am not going to test or try to jump off a building for real but this is how I feel. I feel like nothing is gonna TAKE me down! Going through what I have faced this year, is sure an eye and mind opener. This traumatic challenge has almost turned into a life 'steroid', motivating me to aim higher! I definitely see things in a different light. I also got an opportunity to reflect so much more on life and my life. I get to see and reconfirm who I can rely on when I hit rock bottom, who is cheering and routing for me even when they are living a crazy busy life themselves but still made time for me days after days, weeks after weeks, months after months.... non-stop, who truly cares and don't care or don't dare to care, and who matters to me that I want to care for them too. I get to see how much I used to appreciate life before and now. I am so much more aware ever than before. I noticed that I have changed as well... the things that used to tick me or get sensitive about are no longer something that will do anything for me. In fact, some of the things that I have never and still haven't been exposed to or experienced would actually make me more aware and be more sensitive for. I am feeling so empowered that I know I have definitely empowered many who know me along the way in this past year journey. I am always here to listen to my family and friends' issues or happiness. I am ready to share with you some of the empowerment I received with anyone who needs it to help them achieve and jump through their own hurdles.
After so much research and talking to people who were once ill or going through similar illness currently, I am gathering all the top foods that all of us should be eating! I will share in my next blog all the great foods we should eat but also stuff that we should avoid! What is the point to make an income at the end of the day? Health matters. Without good health, you can't enjoy anything in life even if you have money. Adios!
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