I just realized that I haven't blogged for a while. I haven't been 100% focusing on my recovery as much as I want to. I tried to get myself distracted, running household errands (as much as I can) so that I don't have to sit at home and think about what my MRI results might look like. I can't help but feeling anxious, a bit worried, a bit stressed, and don't know what I would do if the results aren't what I and my family hope for. Aside from all of this, I have been fairly busy transitioning my son to the new full French daycare. It is roughly 15 min. away from our home. I must drop him off and do the pick-up because it is out of my husband's way to work. I don't mind taking my son to the new daycare but the first week of transition wasn't easy but also wasn't hard. Brought back memories and emotions how I transitioned him over a year ago to his first daycare before I returned to work. The guilty feeling of leaving your kid behind and he is crying his face off. However this time, worst. He now screams for me ... "mommy", with gazillion of tears running down his face. He would wrap his arms around my leg not wanting me to leave him. He had tried to take my hands and pull me towards the daycare exit door. Oh boy... good thing his tears were a crazy outbreak so it didn't last too long!!! Before I know it by the 2nd week, he was tearing only once and for less than a minute. However, the 2nd week wasn't easy either. Jake end up with a low grade fever and my gut told me to get him checked out. Yup, he wasn't well.... he caught STREP THROAT!!! Ugh... I just started to sleep back with my husband in my room and now, we had to separate again. Phil had to take a day off to stay home to take care our sick baby and we had to quarantine in different rooms for the whole week. This was not the time for me to catch anything! Not that my husband can afford to but he definitely has a much stronger immune than I. I haven't fully recovered yet!!! In addition, I lived over 3 months of crazy soar throat pain from the treatments, I do not need another soar throat to remind me how painful it was! Good thing doctor said that after 2 days, Jake can return to school because the Strep Throat bacteria is not longer contagious after 2 days on antibiotics! So, before the 2nd week of new daycare ends, Jake went back to school on the Friday and finally.... happy weekend.
So, this is the week I get to find out about my results. I don't know what to think. I try not to think. I try to stay positive. I try to tell myself that whatever needs to be done, has been done. Just have to live with it. However, this is very easily said than can be achieved..... I know that I am very intense internally because I can't help but to constantly feel HUNGRY!!! This is a good thing in a way because my weight has dropped down to 108 LBS now. The last time I was this weight was junior high!!!! Too bad, I can't just constantly eat cause I have to constantly drink down lots of water to help chewing and bring down the food to my stomach! The bad thing about feeling hungry is that I know my body is overworked! Over doing things, over thinking, and overly anxious/nervous that lead to burning tons of calories!!! I just hope the test results are good news. I am pretty sure that if it is, not only I am relieved, I will right away SLEEP like a sheep, my heart and mind can really focus on 100% recovery! I know that even if I find out the good news, if it is good news (*knock on wood), that I won't ever feel 100% about it because my mind will always think "will it come back?". There's always a chance the doctor said. Also, the survival rate all depends if I am clear for the next five years. Until the day I die, I must do yearly MRI to confirm that I don't have any tumour/cancer. Going through the final MRI test was extremely intense, and nerve racking. Thinking about my future MRI test won't be much different. Ok, I must stop now. Stop thinking so far ahead. One step at a time. Wait for the results with a positive mind set and deal with the results when I get it. Yes, I must continuously remind myself this....
Alright, time to go to bed!!! I will continue to write a few more blogs. My next blog topic is obvious.... to share my final MRI test results. Stay tuned.
P.S. Thank you God, family, friends, colleagues, and ex-clients for your continuous support! xoxo
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