I know I haven't been blogging for a very long time. I actually wrote another blog in January but only to find out I didn't post it! Here I am, posting it and now blogging away the latest....
I can't believe we are near the end of March and where has the time gone? The past 3 months, I have been emotionally challenged. Perhaps, it is the 1 year anniversary of everything. Losing my daughter, did an unprecedented nasal polyps removal surgery, finding out I had cancer etc... Not only I have my own emotions to deal with I must also consider my husband's emotions given he has been part of this journey as well. Aside from these emotional hurdels, my personal daily life routine also has been a little troubled. Yes, I just can't help but to keep asking myself, why all this needs to happen now. I really didn't expect how difficult to be in recovery mode. This is not quite the recovery that I was hoping and planned for.
I have been trying very hard trying to figure out what needs to be done to really get me over this final bump. How bad this recovery is in comparison to everything that happened last year? I would rank it as high as going through the daily cancer treatments. Yes, seriously. It is that bad. I guess given the fact that I didn't have time to breath through what was happening and held my own emotions away from the battle, I think those emotions and the grieve have finally burst out. Same for my husband. We were so focused on the cancer battle that we all of sudden finally no need to be in a battle mode that we our now faced with extreme anxiety, possibly depression, grieve etc.... A lot has happened in the past 3 months, if I share, you may think it is small stuff, but however, when your brain is not clear and small things happen to someone who is not entirely 'thinking' normal, it will just TICK you off so much! I have seen myself gotten extremely emotional out of no where.
So.... the big question is what am I doing about it? Well, going back to November 2013, I knew I might need help but it wasn't until January that I started to hunt really hard for a Psychologist. It has been a while now that I have been seeing a Psychologist asking for help. To help me understand if I have an emotional challenge that is going on.... to help me come out with ideas how to get better because if I don't get better, it will totally impact my physical health and probably more than I can imagine what that might be.... I noticed that I have been heartless at times and emotional on others. I don't know why but I also have an aggressive side that would burst out of nowhere.... loosing my balance and I have no idea why. I ask myself questions so much and overthink things now. The one thing for sure is the Psychologist has been very helpful. They are my soundboard without any judgement and I know I will get out of this mess. I know will make everything even better.
The past 2-3 weeks, I have noticed myself being extremely anxious and nervous. Two weeks ago, I did my 2nd MRI test and this coming Tuesday, I will find out if things are improving. We all know the tumour is not there. However, the last test they mentioned that where the tumour was sitting on or touching, there's a bit more that they don't know if it is just scars, inflammation that hasn't healed, fibrosis or real active cancer. I do certainly hope that this test will reveal nothing but positive results that I am 100% clear from cancer. Those little bit 'something' they saw in my last MRI is nothing now. This is what I pray and hope they will say. I know that the past week that just went by, I barely slept properly. I dreamt that I saw myself bleeding internally and bruises and blood all over my arms. Another night, my dreams were about someone telling me that it is not over yet. More cancer has been detected. Friday night, I was extremely EXHAUSTED from taking care of my son on Thursday who came down with a fever for a few hours and didn't sleep well, my heart was racing and had a difficult time going to sleep. I would wake up often in the middle of night trying to go back to sleep. I don't know what is going on but I hope all of this is just anxiety. I cannot wait for this to go away so that I can focus more on the recovery.
Fingers crossed.
No comments:
Post a Comment