Faith....We are not alone

Family Update
Summer has finally arrived! Normally, I love this hot weather however, since I have not fully recovered, this super sunny hot weather really limits me from going out for a long time.  The past weekend, I really stepped outside of my comfort zone once again!  Saturday was my brother's birthday and we had a nice cozy at home dinner to celebrate it!  2 days prior to this day, my sister-in-law asked if I would be interested to go out and watch a movie with them on Saturday after the dinner celebration.  My first feeling was excitement but quickly after was hesitation.  I was also feeling nervous about the thought of me going to see a movie.  Nervous of the crowd and wondering if I would be able to sustain a few hrs of movie.  Also, nervous about whether or not my body and immune is strong enough to sit in a crowd of people.  I thought and thought and thought..... only on Saturday during dinner that I have agreed to go as long they are ok with us watching the last show!  I figure the last show will have less people.  I also make sure they go first to get seats so that I just walk in and sit to see the show right away vs. waiting in line and/or for the movie to start.  Since it was my brother's birthday he made the call on the type of movie to watch.  He chose Pacific Rim.  The movie was good but it was CRAZY intense for me!  I think it is because of what I have been going through that for some reason, I am 'more' aware of life and things vs. before.  Although this movie is not real, but part of me starts to wonder if something crazy like that can really happen in real life. I got more concerned the more I start thinking about it. On the way back home, I told my husband that I felt really shaken up by this movie and will need to meditate before going to bed to relax my mind.  We talked about if this can happen later in life and all I can say, anything can happen. I can't help but to pray that night to God asking him to give peace in this world forever and as long as he can.  To not let Pacific Rim or something even worst happen in real life.  Aside from going out to the movies, I also went to see Jacob's swimming class on Sunday!  He goes every Sunday morning for 30 minutes and Phil is in the pool with him.  There is a small area with seats for family to watch, so I had the opportunity to go with them to see Jacob in action! Aside from swimming class, on the hot sunny afternoon we decided to bring Jake to a nearby splashpad. One of his young boy cousin that he plays well with also came out as well as one of his very good daycare friend too!  So, while my son and husband gets splashed, I sat at a picnic table inside this big gazebo and watched them play for an hour.   The past weekend was certainly a huge milestone that I hit because I have never thought that I would be going out to a movie, watch my son's swimming lesson and hit up a splash pad outdoor with people in hot sunny weather!  The feeling was great that I managed to finally do 'normal' activities however quickly I learned that I didn't pace myself enough and started to pay the price for it by early Sunday evening!  My left ankle started to swell up again!  Back the icepack goes and boy was I ever exhausted where I ended up napping several times on Monday!

We Are Not Alone
Several weeks ago, I received a gift from Phil's cousin.  He brought me a book called "Heaven is for Real".  This book is a real life story, written by a family who has gone through months of life challenges.  However, little did they know, behind all the crazy traumatic events that they went through came with blessings too. Their toddler son actually didn't die but somehow his soul has left his body, went to heaven and came back.  Amazing story!  A book that I highly recommend people to read whether or not you believe in God, Heaven, etc...  This story has certainly expressed similar emotions that I felt in the past few months.  Phil's cousin told me that he found a lot of comfort reading this book and thought that I might enjoy it too.  I just finished reading it last week.  I brought it with me to the hospital while getting chemo treatment. Two nurses saw me with the book and also said that it is a good one!  I told my best friend about it, she somehow found an online copy and read it too!  We had over an hour discussion about it, how much it has touched us and which part we were skeptical, etc...  Overall, the book did open up a few concerns but brought me closer to believing that someone of higher power does exist.  I have attended a catholic school all my life but was never baptized.  Growing up, my family doesn't practice any religion nor talk about it.  However, because of catholic school, I always pray to God, especially when I fear of something....  I don't know what it is but since all the traumatic events in the past months, every time I pray not only I get comfort in my mind and heart but I certainly feel like someone is listening to my prayers because it gets answered.  I also feel like something is guiding me in my decision making and actions so that I don't regret.  Back in early February before I found out about my illness,  I was planning on returning to work in April.  However, something was triggering my thoughts and gut that I shouldn't plan on going back to work.  That I will be off for longer.  Quickly within 2 weeks, I found out what I have and now looking back...  my feeling was bang on!  Back in March, I remember not only I was freaked out what I have, I was anxious to know what my treatment plan would look like. Before I had the chance to understand what the plan looks like, more bad news was in the air... the fact that my cancer was touching my left optical eye nerve and that going through treatment would really damage it and the likelihood of losing eye sight from that side.  I was so devastated with that news that I prayed so much that day after hearing about it and asking for God's help to make the right decision and let the medical people know what I should do.  What is the best option to lean for? I asked God to help guide me and to tell me what is the right option and that I will be confident enough that I can beat this darn illness.  The deadline on letting doctors know was crazy tight - I had 1.5 days to think and decide.  I remember quickly after my conversation with family, a few friends, and the insurance company on the same day of the news, I had received help and over 6 Oncologists from around the world have provided me their 2nd opinions regarding my case within 24 hrs.  Certainly, I really feel like God has been helping me along the way and likely because he was answering not only my prayers but from all the people who were praying for me.  Of course, we can argue that maybe I would have gotten this help if I or anyone didn't prayed but there is no way to go back in the past to test this.  I personally don't want to go back and live those seconds of heart of attack and trying to figure what is the best thing to do because all I know is what I decided to do in the end is what I felt best, and confident to go with.  I have heard several 'miracle' stories in my life. I really believe that anything can happen. So, why can't we believe that there is someone of higher power watching us, judging us on how we handle challenge and that he really is listening to our prayers?

Additional 'Life Decision Making' Thoughts
After reading a great book, having more life discussions with a few people including my husband, I start to build new thoughts around life decisions. What we might do today, we think it is right. However, later in life we might look back and see what we have chose to do today maybe wrong.  If we ever look back and regret what we did today is wrong, you are always given several choices:
a) you can say oh well, I made a mistake, I regret, can't do anything about it and let it be
b) you know it was a mistake you made but chose to be ignorant, and continue to make the mistake
or perhaps c) you chose to make it right regardless how much time and effort it takes but you want to make sure the mistake doesn't continue into the future.

Sometimes, people don't think chance/opportunity are given to them to make things right. However, we are given a chance/opportunity every day!  If you did something wrong or made a bad decision in life, as long as you are still living, every day is your chance to make it right. Of course some things are not an overnight deal, and can take a long time and effort to correct what has been done in the past.  But I totally believe that no matter what the challenge is that you are facing, as long you have faith, determination and a good heart to face the ordeal, you will make yourself a better person and those around you a better place to live.  The choice is always in our hands.


Only a little less than 2 weeks to go before my LAST chemo treatment!  Fingers crossed that it will truly be the last one in my whole life and that it goes smooth!!!!!! I will be spending the coming days taking extra rest, try to eat more, and reduce all activities to prepare for this treatment!  Praying lots and hopefully I can continue to stay positive.