Decision and First Treatment

Since I found out the radiation treatment options, I couldn't really rest well. Within 12 hrs of the news, to my surprise on Wednesday morning, I woke up knowing only 1 option that I will accept: the highest radiation grade is a must.  I need the highest chance for survival. Sure it may compromise my left eye, but we don't know when this will happen and if it will happen.  I don't want this cancer to come back. I want to make sure when I complete this treatment, I feel positive that my life is back in my own hands. I want to feel confident during the treatment.  If this cancer ever comes back, at least I know I chose the ultimate option already.  With the 60GY option, there are too many uncertainties and there is still a risk to lose my eye anyway.  Hopefully, with the highest radiation option, I will really get the best out of it.

It's important to confirm and be confident of the choice that I made. So, I decided to reach out on Wednesday to everyone that I know and tell them about my challenge in the hope to get more 2nd opinions.  I am so grateful to have so many families and friends that care about me.  Those who are praying and thinking about me, thank you so much! Your prayers are helping and maybe that's why I got a lot of 2nd opinions.  My critical illness insurance benefit allowed me to get a 2nd opinion from the world's best doctors.  They were aware of the time crunch and managed to get the top docs recommendations on Friday.  Between Wednesday and Thursday, family and friends are helping me reach the world to review my case; New york, Hong Kong, Guangzhou, Zhong Shan, etc...   Thank you so much! You know who you are making all the phone calls and hook me up with other radiation oncologists, people who have gone through the same treatment etc...  What a blessing! I feel so fortunate and grateful!  By this morning at 4am, I have received a total of six 2nd opinions.  We discussed and reviewed the options and reconfirmed that going with the ultimate 70 grade radiation is still the best as well as sticking to the PMH treatment plan.

Today, I finished 1 round of radiation treatment. OMG, can't believe I have 35 more to go and 6 doses of chemo. My treatment will require 7 weeks of 5 days radiation treatment.  I will be going in every day for radiation therapy, it's gonna be a tiring one.  Some of the side effects that we will start to see as early as 2 weeks in:  loss of taste, hearing, major red/dry/itchy skin on my face and neck, severe sores inside the entire mouth, severe soar throat (10X worst then the regular one we normally get when we are sick), dry mouth...  because my throat and mouth will be so soar and dry, I may not be able to eat. Next week, they will do a small surgery to insert a stomach tube.  I cannot lose weight during this treatment period, otherwise, everything will be stopped.  I must eat to re-build good and strong cells.  Both Chemo and radiation treatments will not only kill the cancerous cells but also the good cells.  So, eating good and all the foods I can is a must to maintain a strong immune and to rebuild all the tissues they burn through radiation.  Hopefully, the side effects are not as bad as they told me.  I no longer try to think about the side effects anymore.  I keep telling myself that I will be fine soon and will be healthy once I'm done the treatment.

My Out-of-Hospital Treatment Strategic Plan
Although I can still talk right now, I chose not to if not needed. I want to preserve all my energy to keep the good cells strong and to rebuild more good ones.  Sorry in advance if you call, I don't pick-up... you know why.  My plan is to do restorative yoga once a week, light exercise such as walking a few minutes/day, eat everything as much as I can right now (since i won't be able to chew soon), continue to paint when I feel like it, and sleep as much as I can.  I will also reach out to anyone for help if needed. I know in all of you heart, you know I am shy when it comes to asking for help. But trust me, this time I won't.  Also, I will be washing my hands as often as I can, wearing my N95 Mask going in the hospital and at home when Jacob is around.  He goes to daycare and bring home a lot of germs.  I don't need a weaker body on top of what I am and will be going thru.  So sad to see my baby want to hug me but got scared when I put on my mask.  I cannot wait to burn this mask 2 months from now and be able to kiss him and hug him like I used to! :) 

Here is the crazy awesome "fampower" that I have to help me along the way: 
-My mom to focus on cooking and keeping house tidy
-My dad to drive me downtown everyday for treatment except the days I need to stay overnight or if the treatment is really early, it will be my brother who will take me
-My brother and sis-in-law standby to take care of me when I need to stay downtown, pick-up soup from family relatives...  key contact for family and relatives to get my latest status
-My hubby to focus on going to work everyday, drop and pick Jake up from daycare, and let me vent if I need to :p
-Jacob will be my every day motivator and energizer kiddo for extra boost of positive energy
-Family relatives and my in-laws, are all on standby when I need anything they will come and help. They are all praying for me every day, will go to church for some who believes in god :)
-My nanny/housecleaner will come every 2 weeks to help tidy up the house.

Co-worker/Friends/Strangers:  All are praying, thinking of me, cheering, and offering their hands to help with anything.

How to get in touch with me?
My body will get weaker and weaker.  I'm not trying to be rude but I will say no to visitors for the next 2 months.  I certainly don't want to catch anything and don't want to take any risk.  This will also mean.... unfortunately, I won't be able to attend any events in the next 2 months.  Once I am well, I will make it up to all of you! To all my dear family and friends, I love you dearly and I know you care so much about my condition.  I will try my best to provide at least 1 blog update per week on my progress and emotions.  You may text me but if I don't respond, don't freak out. It's not that I'm ignoring you. I may be at the hospital, busy or sleeping. I will text back as soon as I can. For family who wants to buy me food or make me soup etc...  If i need anything, my parents, Phil or my brother will reach out.  Please do not stop your daily routine because of me. I will feel extremely bad! :) 

Going to get ready for bed now!  Will be sleeping in a different room too so that I don't waken up by my little one and get more sleep. Thank you for reading and god bless you all. :)

Will I See Light at the End of this Tunnel?

So now, I finally share the news with my in-laws, it wasn't easy at all. They are very sad about this news and felt helpless.  I tried my best to cheer them up and to show them how to stay positive and how they can help me by thinking of the best will happen.  It hurts me to see them the way they took the news.  I really consider them as my own parents and I know being a parent to know that your child is not well, it hurts so much....

When will I see light at the end of this tunnel? The specialist reviewed my MRI results with me yesterday, I can't believe BAD... very BAD news can keep coming.    I am still trying to hang in there but I feel like hanging on to a thread this time.  They said that my cancer in my neck area is treatable with a lower dose of radiation.  The challenge is the portion that is behind my nose. It has extended close to my left eye.  So close to the optical nerve... this is the nerve that gives us the ability to see.  They thought for a long time and right now it seems like there are 2 radiation treatment options with compromises as follow:

a) They give me the high dose of radiation to kill the cancer cells. This would mean that 90% survival rate with a 10% chance re-occurrence.  This would mean that they will take out my optical nerve on my left eye and therefore, won't be able to see from this eye for the rest of my life.
b)  They give me a slightly lower dose of radiation in the same area but this may or may not kill all the cancer cells. There may be some left behind or not.  We don't know if that little bit does stay behind will continue or not continue to grow.  This treatment option translates to ~ 80% survival rate with a 20-25% chance of re-occurrence, and a 10-20% risk of the left eye going blind.

WHAT THE HELL?! Like having cancer is not bad enough and now I need to chose 1 of these crazy options?!  I'm beyond devastated. I tried to sleep last night but I couldn't! From time to time, my heart was racing so much.  I really don't want to lose my eye!! But I also want the highest survival success rate!!!!  Going with Option A nobody knows if I will have this reoccur.  With my luck these days, 10% seems such a big number to me.  However, going with Option B is also a tough call...  I might still go blind anyway 10-15 years down the road. And the fact that there may be some C cells left behind, that is effin' crazy! Who knows if these cells will continue to grow and maybe take over my entire head..???  I'm speechless.  What would you do in my shoes?

I NEED A MIRACLE! I need God to help me and help these specialists to come up with a better treatment plan than what they have shared with me so far.  Time is running out and I must make the decision before end of this week.  I'm seeing the specialist tomorrow to discuss this but I don't know if I am confident enough to make the decision.  My treatment needs to start next Monday. We don't want this cancer to progress!  I need God's help to make me stay calm, focus, positive, and to help me make the best and wise decision.   Which option is the best decision? *In tears...* Which one? This is such a tough call....

I almost want to be brave enough to say F*** this cancer! I'm gonna tell this cancer to leave me alone, go away and I'll give you my left eye as long you don't come back, give me a full, long, happy and healthy life. I DON"T have time to play this game! I don't have time to gamble! I'm a busy mom. Got a kid waiting for me to show him this world and help him reach his own goals. I got a loving husband that I need to spend more time with and enjoy EVEN more than ever before each other. I got a loving family, relatives, and friends that I cannot wait to celebrate, and hang out with! I DON'T HAVE TIME for it to reoccur and go through more treatments in the future.  I want to take all the time that I have in my lifetime to enjoy life.. live it... work it... do the things I love...  with my and only right eye.....  I'm trying to tell myself that many blind people would die to have even 1 eye working.  Maybe this is how I should keep telling myself.....  Is this the right decision?  OMG...  I don't know....  This has been by far the toughest and most challenging game I've been put in the field to deal with!!!!

Please help by praying for me.  Don't hesitate to reach out if you want. I don't feel like I'm being bothered. Instead, I need more positive attitude and energy to help me win this battle and gain a miracle.

Breaking the news to Parents and Family

It takes a lot of courage to break the news to my parents. But I did it!  This past Thursday night, I finally told them over the phone.  I asked that they patiently listen to what I have to say, it may be a 20 minutes long but I asked that they don't interrupt until I'm done.  They listened and to my surprise, both of them seemed to have taken the news pretty well.  My dad, the smart one, knew for a while that I was up to something. He's very supportive and said that I'll beat it.  He appreciates and proudly said that I've been handling all of this very well.  I'm glad that I waited on sharing this news.  They asked away several questions that I wouldn't have been able to answer it if I didn't wait until I see the specialists!

I finally sent this blog to my closest cousins just a few minutes ago.  Probably in the next 24-48 hours, my aunts/uncles will also find out.  I plan on sharing this news to my in-laws next week. It's going to be just as tough as sharing this news to my own parents because they are like my mom and dad.

All the necessary tests are completed!  I'm now waiting for the doctors to tally up their findings, and come up with their recommended treatment plan! Stay tuned! I will share in my next blog my personal treatment strategic plan! :)

My View of God

While I'm waiting for the last test appointment, my brain starts to take off again. This time, some good thoughts.  Who knows why God chose me to go through this but I believe whenever things like this happens, it also affects folks around me. Hopefully in a good way.  Maybe God chose me because not only he wants me to reflect on the meaning of life but also people that I know to do the same.  And I guess I know a lot of people.  Maybe he's trying to tell us something and one way to spread his words fast is to choose someone like me.  If he really wants me to die, he could have taken me!  So I need to stop thinking that I will die because nothing on hand is telling me so.  Sure there are survival rates and death risks. But what doesn't have risk?  My close cousin asked me recently, there's risk of getting killed when you cross a street, are you not going to cross then?  Of course not!

I saw something on FB that I want to share with you all. Hopefully, this can trigger some positive thoughts and self reflection.

 Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Huummm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one
of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...


"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."  - Proverbs 9:10

Testing Day

Today, I get all kinds of testing done at PMH! I'm praying that all the tests come back confirming that I'm only at the early stages.  I just came back out from a CT scan and now waiting for my next appointment:MRI.  Since I'm down here all by myself and it's a long day here, I've packed up my survival kit to kill time and keep my sanity level intact!! I have my laptop, 2 large bottles of water, antioxidant hot green tea, cellphone, 2 magazines, my Sophie Kinsella book, and a container full of blackberries! Going to stay strong! :)

Although I didn't sleep well last night because Jake keeps waking up and I was anxious for today, all the kinds words of support from friends who read my blog helped me try to stay focus.  It's true that people say don't sweat the small stuff.  I'm pretty numb these days to sweat any small stuff. If it is not life and death, why sweat?!  You too, if you're not facing life and death, don't sweat whatever problems you're dealing with! It's not worth it and honestly, what's the big deal!

Thank you for your positive energy and support! I know many of you want to offer a hand with anything. Right now, I don't know what help I need other than asking you to keep cheering, praying, and sending those words of encouragement! :)

Tonight, I plan on sharing this sad news with my parents. I can no longer hide from them... it's been 2 weeks now and my parents keep asking me if I got the biopsy results from my nose.  Since I am a parent too, I understand that they are worried and wants to know.  Hopefully, after a long day here at the hospital, I'll have the energy to share this news with them over the phone.

How to Stay Strong? I need your help.

Over the past 7 weeks, thank you everyone for trying to reach out to me. It’s been very difficult as you can imagine.  We can say that time have gone by very fast but at the same time, very slow.  I decided to open this blog up to share my recent experiences with you all. I am seeking for a way to put down all my thoughts vs. containing it all in my head! It’s driving me nuts!  Also, I’m looking for your support spiritually.

I can’t believe it’s been 7 weeks since we’ve lost our beautiful Charlotte. I still remember the day we found out that we will be having a daughter, how thrilled and excited our feelings were.  Little as we know, a bit over a month that we were going to go from cloud 9 to wherever you call it… cloud -9?!  On Saturday January 12^th, I started to feel some gas like pain all over my abdomen. After several hours in the morning of feeling this unusual pain, I decided to check in labor and delivery room at the hospital.  My own OB doctor happens to be on call and on site this day.  She checked me and confirmed that I am probably just gassy and sent me home.  But after lunch and finished putting Jacob down for a nap, I felt something abnormal again so I went back to the hospital.  After 2 hrs of wait time, my OB who was on call still came by to check me.  She decided to look into it more.  After she did her thing and took some cultures to send it in for testing, she told me what to expect.  She said that I am already 2 cm dilated and that she will put me down for bed rest at the hospital. If I don’t continue to dilate nor delivery the baby tonight, they can maybe see if we can do a small surgery to tie my cervix up.  I can’t believe my ears and of course I called Phil and shared with him the bad news.  At this point, because we don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, I decided not to share anything with my parents.  Only my brother and his wife knew.  The entire night, I kept praying and asking for a miracle.  Every second, every minute, and every hour count!  By around midnight, the pain didn’t come back anymore and I thought maybe things are going to be good now.  I also managed to catch up with some sleep.  The next day at around 8am when I woke up, the nurse came to check up on me.  I felt the baby kicking, and listen to her heartbeats. Everything seemed normal. However, a few minutes after, I started to feel these sharp pains.  This time, it was not gas like type of pain.  I felt my abdomen tighten…  The nurse asked the OB doc on call to check on me.  Unfortunately, everything that I did not want it to happen did.  The OB said that my membrane ruptured and I was already 6 cm dilated.  I can’t believe my ears and couldn’t help but to burst into tears.  I asked the doctor if there’s any way to save this baby but they said that because she is only 21 weeks, anything they would normally do for a 24 weeks old is too much for a 21 weeks old baby. It would be more torture and suffering if they try to save her.  She’s just too young.  Because I’m already 6 cm dilated, they also can’t do anything about it. I must deliver her.  I had to quickly give Phil a call and tell him to come to the hospital.  I also called my family and shared the bad news.  I delivered my baby naturally with no epidural. She came out very fast… so fast that I didn’t have enough time to get the epidural.  Our beautiful Charlotte came out in peace, no crying but still breathing and heart beating for quite a while.  Unfortunately, by the time I finished delivering the placenta and they pass me the baby (20 min. later), my Charlotte has passed away.  I still recall the entire process was such a traumatic experience.  When I found out I had to deliver my baby, my brain went crazy… I didn’t know what to think but knowing that she won’t live.  When I had to deliver her, not only I was crying like crazy because of all those contraction pains did hurt so much but at the same my heart was in so much pain knowing that my baby won’t live.  When I finally met her, I couldn’t stop crying.  It’s great to finally meet her but I was so sad that I would never hear her call me mommy.  I haven’t had the opportunity to build any memories with her.  I can’t believe what just happened!  I was so torn apart and hurt from this traumatic experience.  Then the sadness continues, because she was born with heartbeats, they classify this as neonatal death. It’s neither a stillbirth nor a miscarriage.  By law, we must get her a birth certificate and do the whole funeral thing. 

Later that week, Phil and I went out to the cemetery to choose a lot for our little one.  We’ve also decided to buy some stuff to put in her coffin. It’s a small coffin and therefore we need to be very carefully on what we get.  This was by far the hardest thing to do.  I went out to get her a favorite book that I’ve been reading it to Jacob so that she has one too. I also bought her some clothes, hats, mitts, and gave a pair boots that I got from a close friend who bought it for her.  I went out to chapters and bought her a small rattle toy, a comfy blanket….  It was so hard to buy anything for her. I wanted to BUY IT ALL!  But I couldn’t!!! I was very mad and extremely sad.  Every single toy I saw that was for girls, I wanted to get it for her. I wanted to get her more than just 1 dress but I couldn’t because the coffin wouldn’t allow me to fit everything in it.   After the funeral, we finally felt a bit of closure.  However, the pain doesn’t stop here.  I didn’t think my milk would come in but it did.  Not only it was painful to go through almost 10 engorgement and can’t do anything about it but also the feeling that I don’t have a baby to feed made my 3-4 days living it very hard, miserable, and stressful.  I didn’t think I can take 3 days of this pain but I did. So there goes 2 weeks of my January 2013 life.  Near the end of the month, I started to think forward and make plans to recover and stay healthy.

Everyone seems to have his or her own views as to why I lost my baby.  I personally chose to believe that God decided to take her away for a reason.  Whatever that reason is, it’s probably for the better.  We always tend to think that nothing bad can happen. If we get to see her future, maybe it’s worst than what I’ve already gone through.  Maybe she would suffer even more… nobody knows. I trust that God is doing us a favor for all of us and he has great plans ahead.  I trust and believe that as long I take care of myself, focus on getting healthy, and I’ll soon be able to plan for a healthy baby next time.

After I delivered my baby, I thought my breathing would get better. However, it didn’t and it got worst. I started to get these sharp headaches that linger around for a day and somehow comes and goes….  I started to feel a lot of pressure on my face because my nose is blocked.  I also haven’t been able to sleep through the night because my nose would be so blocked that I would wake up from it.  I had a FREAKIN’ hard time breathing! Also, I have this small lump on my neck that I kept asking doctors about it.  They all keep telling me to wait a few weeks to see if it goes away. Perhaps, I might be fighting some kind of cold/infection.  When I saw my OB near the end of January, I asked for a referral to see an ENT.  She finally agreed and sent away the referral but the appointment wasn’t going to be until end of February!!!   Because I had such a hard time breathing and getting tons of headaches from the lack of oxygen, I decided to call the ENT to see if they can book me in for an earlier appointment. The secretary was kind enough to call me back confirming that the earliest time is the date that I have on hand.  I asked if she can put me on a cancellation wait list and she agreed to do so.  The 2^nd week of Feb she called me back and confirmed that the ENT doc can see me a week earlier than the originally appointment date. Thank god he can see me sooner! However, I didn’t know a bad news was around the corner!  When I went to see the ENT, he looked in my nose to see what’s going on.  He noticed that I have a lot of polyps blocking my left nose and therefore answers the reason why I couldn’t breath from that side.  He also decided to look a bit further back of my nose and noticed something that didn’t look right.  Overall, he’s not sure what he saw and must do a biopsy to confirm.  He told me that he needs to remove those polyps to help me breath.  So, yes… a SURGERY!  I can’t believe that I need to do that. I didn’t want to of course but looks like I don’t have a choice especially if I want to breath better.  When he called his secretary, he told her that he must do the surgery on me ASAP in the next few days. 

Unfortunately, the day surgery schedule is fully booked until end of Feb and I must wait until then.  I went to see the secretary and told her that I live very close by and can do the surgery anytime. The secretary said that she’ll do her best to check in with the hospital everyday to see if they can schedule me in for a sooner date and she will let me know ad-hoc.  The next day, the secretary confirmed that my surgery will be the next day! Wow! That was fast!!!!  I was pretty anxious and didn’t know how to think of this.  Everything is happening so fast again! Don’t have a lot of time to digest this.  After the surgery, right away I can breath but I had to go through an entire day of nosebleed, and 4 days of soar throat from the surgery. After all this, I was hoping this is it. Seriously!!! This has to be it! 4 weeks of craziness and I don’t know how much more I can hang on to if I need to face with something else. I tried very hard to stay positive, away from stress and just rest as much as I can so that I can recover quickly.  I looked forward to start doing hot yoga and strengthen myself.  My plan was to start work hopefully sometimes in April as long I'm healthy and up running!

How much rock bottom can you hit?  Even I don’t know how to answer to this question anymore.  You would think I hit THE ROCK BOTTOM already… but I didn’t!  Exactly a week after my surgery, the ENT called me in the morning to share the worst news of my life.  He told me that the biopsy test came back positive for nasopharyngeal non-keratinizing carcinoma.  WTF!!!!!  What did he say?  He said it so fast with foreign words that I didn’t understand it!!  He repeated the diagnosis and then said… yeah.. it’s cancer that I have.  I was like…. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING in my head!  I was quiet for a few seconds and then asked him what kind of cancer. He said that the biopsy that he took was between my nose and throat.  He will be forwarding my files and his referral to a top specialist downtown who will cure me.  I asked him what he meant when he said ‘cure’.  I felt so betrayed after all of this. The fact that every time I hope for the best, the WORST happens.  Every time, I start to feel a bit better and back on the recovery path, I need to go through some kind of crazy S***! I walk 10 steps forward, and I keep falling backward....   I don’t know if cure is going to happen and if he’s just saying that just to make me feel a bit better.  However, the ENT did say that this cancer is treatable and the specialist will cure me.

Since I found out this news, my mind has gone crazy!  WTH!!! WTF!!  That’s how I felt the entire day.  I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to react to this news. Only near the evening is when this news start to settle down in my mind and I started to melt down as each hours progress.  The first night, I can’t help with all kinds of thoughts ringing in my head. I was so tense that I couldn’t sleep until maybe pass 5am…  I was super exhausted!  The next day, Jacob has a school friend’s birthday to attend. We went to the party but during the whole event, my brain can’t help but to let all kinds of negative thoughts come through my mind.  I started to ask myself a gazillion of times, why me.  Why do I have this? Why in so little of time this needs to happen? Does god think I didn’t go through enough traumas yet?  I worked so hard trying to recover and stay positive.  I felt so betrayed or someone poured salt or vinegar over my recent scars.  Physically and mentally…. I feel pain.  Am I going to die?  What about having another baby?  Why did my baby leave? Does she have cancer too? Am I going to die? I can’t help but to think that I will die. Is this going to be my last few days or weeks with Phil and Jacob?  I don’t want to die.  I have so much that I haven’t done that I still want to do!  The more I think the more I start to burst into tears… I can’t help with all the emotions and thoughts that are coming through….  I really don’t want to die. I always say how much I love life. I love to live and if I can press the button on when to end my life, I will press ‘ NEVER’.  I don’t want to die.  Every time I see Jacob smiling at me, it breaks my heart and it worries me that I may not see that face anymore.  Every time Jacob calls me ‘mommy’ I was afraid that it would be the last time I will hear that.  I want to see him grow up just like other moms. I want to be there for his graduations, witness his own marriage and see him have kids etc…  I want to see him grow up! I want to be able to give him siblings. I want to stay alive!!!  Did I overwork and that’s why I have this?  Did I eat something bad? What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do? What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I’ve been too strong and that’s why God wants to test my limit.  Or is it because I haven’t been strong enough and god decided to give me this cancer? WTF? I have never felt so many emotions and cried so much in my entire life!

I haven’t shared it with my parents yet.  I am not ready to deal with how they will react to this news.  I am scared that I will bawl in front of them and I don’t want them to be even more upset once they know.  I’m also not ready to see how they will react and won’t be able to manage their feelings. Since I don’t know how far along I am and more tests needs to be done, I decided to wait on sharing this news with them.  I want to be more confident, and positive when I share this news so that hopefully they won’t be so sad/upset. I want to come across positive and confident that I will be able to beat the crap out of this cancer so that they can also feel positive about this whole thing too.

After 3 days or so after finding out this C news, I slowly try to regain focus and find ways to stay positive. It hasn’t been easy but I’ve been trying.  I told myself that I can’t let this cancer take over my life.  I’m gonna need to beat it.  I need to be a survivor.  Instead of maybe thinking of all the causes and downsides, I need to shift my focus to the opposites of all of this.  I start to believe that I have done NOTHING wrong! Screw those superstitions, and what I ate that caused this! It’s not because I worked hard and over-stressed.  It’s not because I am strong or not strong.  I have done nothing wrong!  In fact, the way I am maybe saved my life?!  I’ve been so determined that something was wrong with my nose and lump on my neck that I kept asking the docs about it.  Just that none of them until a month ago decided to refer me to see a specialist. If I am not the determined type, I could have let this go and who knows when I will find out about this cancer. Thank god that I have a kid when I was younger. If I didn't, who knows when I can have my first?!  I thank god so much for this and certainly glad that I have Jacob.  Also, I tried to be healthy by cooking healthy food to eat as often as I can. Perhaps, more than 75% my week is homemade food! If I didn’t do this, maybe my health is worst.  Because I’m such a planner and low risk type of a person, I purchased critical illness insurances. And now money is not a concerned while I’m off work and I can totally focus 100% on getting treated. One less thing for my family to worried about.  I am lucky enough to work for a great company with lots of colleagues and bosses who care and support me. Also, my family and friends are my backbone; they will support, care, love, and help endlessly if I ask.  I am lucky that this is a treatable cancer.  I must thank god for all of this.  Everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps, my little Charlotte knows that I have this.  She made the decision for me and she has sacrificed herself to save mine.  This is what I start to believe in…  that if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have found out about this cancer.  I can’t imagine if I was still pregnant and I found out that I have cancer.  Can you imagine the kinds of thoughts that would have created?! Is my daughter going to be normal? How can I be treated without harming my baby? Do I end her life to save mine? Do I carry on with the pregnancy, hoping that this cancer doesn’t develop further and that I can be treated later?  What if I do carry on with this pregnancy but it means that it will end my life?  OMG… you name it…  I can’t imagine.  I think my daughter knew that I have it. She wants me to save my life now and have a baby later. Maybe later when I am well enough to have a baby, she will come back?  Whatever it is, I cannot waste her sacrifice.  Also, I cannot let my happy Jacob turned into an unhappy child! He's such a happy kid with full of smiles on his face everyday, I cannot let him down.  I cannot let my husband down.  I cannot let my family down and any of your support down!!!  I’m gonna to start living life like I mean it and BEAT the hell out of this cancer! I need to be 100% cancer free!!!  I’m going to surround myself with positive people and do all the things that I WANT TO DO!

After all of this, what more can I fear?  Nothing matters now. It's all about me. I will live life like I mean it more than before! I looked up online for a huge list of cancer fighting food and went out to buy it! Every day, I’m trying at least 1 new recipe to help build my immune system.  I’m gonna eat more healthy food! I started to do meditation yoga last week to try to reduce stress and anxiety.  LOVE IT!  I also reached out to a psychologist to help me find ways to de-stress and stay more positive. I also started to paint, something that I love and never found time to do it! 

I need to be positive, confident, healthy and strong.  Together with treatments, with your support, I told myself that I would be a survivor coming out of this! 

I’m sharing you my story not looking for pity. Rather I’m looking for your help to cheer for me.  Your cheers will motivate me and give me positive energy to fight this cancer battle. Sharing my news with you did help and remind me of the good intentions that I set for myself.  I hate to say it but it’s true…   all the things that I have gone through is an experience that is very difficult for many of you to understand. Only those who have the same experience can understand how traumatic it is.  I don’t expect you to understand but only want you to hold me accountable for the good intentions that I’ve said and hold me accountable so that I can fight this battle.

I'm sure you are all shocked (just like me...). I don't expect you to write back or know what to write back.  It's ok.  I just wanted you to know and get your mental/spiritual support!  

This is it for now! Tomorrow is my big day at the hospital going though (10 hrs of testing….).  Let’s hope and pray that my cancer is only early stage and that it hasn’t spread too far!

Thank you for reading.