Random Thoughts Part 2

Can't believe it is Friday already!  I've been working 'real hard' trying to rest more, sleep more, and
increase my food intake by mouth and via the GI tube.  Normally, I pump 4 bottles of Ensure through the tube but so far, this entire week I have increased it to 5 bottles of Ensure! I've also increased slightly food intake by mouth.  My belly is so bloated every time I tried to eat because I must sip water with every small bite to decrease the burning sensation at the back of my throat.  Also, water helps the chewed up food go down my esophagus easier.  This week, my aunts/uncles on my mom side have continued to show their love for me and care. The minute they heard that my white blood cells are down, they went online to research on how to increase the white blood cells, and one of my aunt actually work in the hospital, she also asked around for me.  They called my parents, telling them what to make in terms of food, soups, and what I should do to help increase both white and red blood cells to boost my immune system.  I feel so loved and grateful for such great family members that I have.  Money certainly can't buy these relationships!

I've been trying very hard to increase my weight - yes, trying to get FAT!  But unfortunately, I haven't been able to do so.  Right, I'm sure if my girl friends see this, they would want to spank me in the ass for saying this truth!  LOL!  The past 2 weeks, I can't stop thinking about how much weight changes I've gone through in less than a year:

• Average weight in the past few years / Pre-pregnancy - 123 lbs
• 5 months pregnancy - 135 lbs
• Post-pregnancy - 125 lbs
• Post 7 weeks of Radiation treatments - 120 lbs
• 1st week no radiation treatment - 113 lbs (CRAZY side effects killed me!)
• Now - 116-117 lbs

Hopefully by next week before treatment, I can get my weight back up and close to 120 lbs!!! I don't know how I will respond to chemo next week but if I get those nausea/vomit and lack of appetite side effects as usual, my weight will definitely drop further and delay my recovery process. I don't know how celebrity does it.  Of course they get paid high bills for losing and gaining a substantially amount of weight! I don't care how much money I get paid, I would never choose to lose or gain weight just for money.  It has such a great impact to your body and I don't believe it is healthy.

Looks like I will continue to miss out a lot of upcoming events because my 4th chemo treatment got delayed by a week.  From birthdays to baby showers, wedding showers to the actual wedding, and new born chinese 1 month old birthday celebration.  I hate to not be able to attend any of this!!!  DAMN IT!!!  I know everyone won't blame or hate me for it but I really hate myself and sad that I really cannot attend.  I'm hoping Phil and Jake will be able to take part in some of these at the bare minimum.  Every time I get chemo, it takes at least 2 weeks for me to get back up to speed where I was before treatment.  Chemo kills not only good but also bad cells in the body.  So, the immune system is really weak.  For me, it has a greater impact. Although radiation treatment has been completed 4 weeks ago, but its effect remains in the body for several months.  I know a lot of people wants to see and visit me but unfortunately, I need to start pulling a wait list together haha.....  I also told my husband the other day that I'm having such a difficult time figuring out which family and friend to see first when I'm ready.  I don't know how to choose because they are all important to me.  But one thing for sure is that I must see my in-laws first because they have been non-stop praying and waiting to see me for a LONG LONG LONG time.  But as for the rest... I'm real stuck!  One of my cousin's friend that I've known for a long time texted me about visiting me and I jokingly told him... I got a long wait list going on!  He texted me right away and said:  "well, I've known you when you were little even before you moved out from your small town for university.  I hope that brings me up the rank!".  I told him that I would highly consider the years we've known each other and perhaps, bring him up the rank as he has proposed! :p  I honestly think when I'm ready to have visitors, I'm just gonna choose a day in August (hopefully all my treatments are done by then), and invite all friends and family over for a MEGA party! I wish family and friends from overseas/out of town can come but I know it will be a stretch!  I know they will celebrate spiritually for me even though they are far away.

My husband and I are super lucky!!!  Today, my parents mowed our national park size lawn!  Yes, I got a really deep and wide backyard!! Big enough to build another house behind ours.  They've even picked out any weeds that Phil has missed from the last time he cut the lawn.  There's always a say that you can't choose your parents but I told myself if I get to re-live my life again, I would want the same parents that I have today!  Both of them are already over 60 and they're so active both at home and work!  They are crazy workaholics! Ok... I know what my friends/family would say about me... I'm just the same.  Right - I can't help it.  Maybe I got some of those hard working genes! Even if I don't have those 'workaholic' genes, I would try to be like one!  My parents works so hard in their entire life that I keep telling myself since I was little that I must work just as hard or even greater.  My parents never ask their kids to buy them anything - very simple people!  I know their expectations are that I become a good citizen, and follow my dreams. They never let me worry about money and just wanted me to stay focus and finish school, find a good job that I'm passionate about and live a happy life.  So, during my entire past 32 years, I've tried to learn, and accomplish as much as I can.  This is my only way to say thank you to my parents, and make them feel proud of their creation!  I hope because of their active lives, they will live a very very very long one so that I will have the opportunity to take care and show my appreciation for all the things they have done for me! I've never like to be treated like a princess but right now, I have to let that happen. Especially in the next 5 years!  Doctor said that I must not be stressed so everyone must let me do, and be the way I want to be.  So, princess I am and will be for a while! What a serious challenge because I like to do things myself.

Due to lack of energy during this past week, I lost great motivation to complete my Japanese Maple tree painting. Jake really wanted to more painting with his mommy so I switched gear what thought to be a simple project but in the end, took more time and effort than estimated.  This one got more details and mixing the right colour for it took a lot of time.  So far, I got 40 likes!  The bird painting is still the hottest and most 'liked' on FB.  Today, I hope to complete my Japanese maple painting and post on my blog soon!!!

No Treatment This Week

Booh!!!  Yay!!! Booh!!! Yay!!!  Booh because after a long day at the hospital, I didn't end up getting chemo treatment.  My white blood cells level is lower than they wanted to see so they cannot give me chemo until it goes back up to where it is safe for me to get the treatment.  It was a close one!  My level shows 1.35 and they wanted to see 1.5.  So, the doc said I should be able to do it next week and scheduled me back in for then.  So, it also means that my entire 3 more chemo plan got pushed back by at least one week now.  Also, it means that my immune system is weak and I will need to wear a mask - especially at home when my little Jake comes back from daycare.  I must rest LOTS, continue to hibernate at home, and try to push myself to eat a bit more to strengthen my immune.  Yay because I went to my dentist said that my saliva is almost back to normal!!!  However, I don't for some reason feel like it is.  My saliva still feels fairly thick, bubbly, etc... but whatever, if they say that I'm recovering well in terms of saliva glands, then I will take any good news!  Another Yay is that I was craving for a bowl of noodle soup made with fish. Only this restaurant in Richmond Hill that I know makes it real well.  I managed to eat a very small bowl.  I also craved for a small doughnut but boy does it taste so bad!!  It taste like I was eating cardboard or something.  Not like I have eaten cardboard in my life but it was so hard to chow it down!  Also, it was suppose to taste sweet but not for me, it tasted very salty!!!

So disappointed that I can't get chemo this week as planned but happy that I got some good news out of it too.  Life is so unpredictable!!!!!  Ugh..... :p

Making a Difference

Never have I thought that my past few months of traumatic life events can have so much impact on those who know me.  I've been getting text messages, emails, phone calls etc.. from literally the entire world that I know telling me how strong I have been.  I often wonder if these people are saying that to encourage me and/or telling me because I am really that strong.  In addition of being called such a strong woman, I also been viewed and called as a strong mom, strong 32 years old female, superwoman, and warrior.  I'm flattered with all of this. However, what I can't wait to be called... something that I can't wait to say is "I'm ALIVE!!!!!  I'm a SURVIVOR!!!!".  I know this day will come with patience and efforts as I continue on my battle and journey to earn my life back!

Speaking about impacting other people's life, I didn't realize how many people been following my blog, thinking about me every single day, and started to make adjustment with their own lives.  I'm very happy to hear that my life experience and my blog have helped others.  I got almost over 3,000 views from my blog?! Back in high school, I've won the Lieutenant Governor General Award for making a difference in people's life.  Not that I'm looking to win another award but I often wonder when can I make more difference in people's life just like those high school days.  I feel very happy when I can help people.  I used to do a lot of volunteer work and in the recent years, instead of doing hands on volunteer work I just donate money and support friends who are raising funds for various charities.  I guess since I got sick, I have helped a lot of people indirectly.  I was telling my best friend today that I didn't know what I was thinking but my heart wanted to help people all the time even during the most challenging time.  This goes way back to March, when I first met my oncologist, a nurse came to ask me if she can use my records for research.  I agreed instantly without regrets. Not only that involves a 5 long pages survey but also it would mean giving 2 additional bottles of blood, a total of 8 bottles.  I remember my husband giving me the "are you crazy" look.  When the nurse walked away to give me time to complete the survey, my husband right away asked me, why did you say yes to this, you just found out you have cancer, I don't want you to stress, you hate giving blood, what are you thinking, etc....  I just remember telling him that I don't know why but I know that the more information they have from patients like me, the better they can collect data on how this cancer is developed and better treat future patients.  I can only get the best treatment today with the help of patients who in the past have agreed to do something similar. Without patients who volunteer to do things like this, treatment plans can never really improve and neither can all the medical researcher continue to understand better this disease.  Let's be honest here, when the nurse told me how many bottles of blood they will take from me anyway to do testing and help me set-up my treatment plan, I was going to faint.  I hate giving blood and I often over react more than I should; I'm such a CHICKEN.  But when she said that if I agree to the research they will only take 2 more bottles, in my head I was thinking if I was going to faint anyway and the needle is in my arm already as mind as well give her all the blood I got.  So I have accepted it. Speaking about helping people, I have accepted to be interviewed tomorrow by a social worker and doctor who wants to understand better my experience, my thoughts on how to improve the entire program and how to cope with the treatments, etc...  I've asked her how they heard about me and they told me that my nurse and treatment doctors thought I would be a good candidate to be part of their other research.  I don't have much comments about the treatments itself because I am no doctor.  However, having gone through almost the entire experience, along the way I have seen enough and do have ideas on how to help them improve the program for other people who diagnosed with the same condition.  Regardless whenever or not they will deploy my opinions/ideas, I think being able to help these people who are trying to help others make feel so good! :)

This past week, I have been able to do Ipad facetime for a short period w/ my best friend.  I received an email from my very good guy friend from university that I have lost touch for a few months that cheered me up.  I also spoke to my compassionate boss and she brought laughter to my heart. My director also sent me a text message to let me know she is thinking about me and wish me well this week.  I continuously get supportive text and email messages from family and friends who lives close and far away.  I painted w/ Jake again. I managed to drink some watercrest soup, a finger long vegetable, 2 small pieces (dice size) chicken, and 1 bowl of watered down congee.  Every day, I push myself a bit and remind myself that I must try to eat something small via the mouth even though it burns.  I am a little disappointed that I can't eat 1 meal by mouth by now.  Hopefully, in 1 to 2 more weeks from now, I can chow down 1 meal.  What else happened this week...  oh yes!  I slept in my own room next to my husband for the first time in 2.5 months!  Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well because I am not used to the bed.  I'm back in the front room, alone, for at least the next 2 weeks.  What else....???   Oh yes!! I'm so happy and excited to have 2 new babies in the family!!!!  My cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby boy on May 22nd and my husband cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby girl on the same day?!!!  What are the odds?!!  My little Jake is so lucky to have so many cousins already but this year, he has 3 more new cousins!!!  I can't wait to see both of them!!!  This brings up something...many people are surprised the fact that I am ok to hear and be around other people's baby and pregnancy news.  I don't know why but after talking to my best friend today she told me why.  She said that I've always been a person who is very happy for other people.  Who is happy to see other people happy.  Who gets excited when good things happen to people that I know.  So, despite what happened to me and how unfortunate my life is, I am who I am...  will always be happy for other people.  I guess she is right and not everyone is like me. Some people will be so traumatized by now if they lived what I have been going through and likely cannot be around other people who has good news to share.  I often compete with my own self and have zero intention to compete with other people or wish they go to hell - even with people whom I don't like.  I don't ask why or get jealous about what other people have.  I don't get sad, depressed, or hide in the dark about how shit my life is compare to others because I know deep in my heart there are a lot of people out there who are worst off in life.  In fact, I always know I am VERY LUCKY compared to all family members from previous generations.  One example that I will never forget is my own father's life.  He barely spent time or seen his own father growing up. He immigrated to Canada with grandma and uncle with zero English language background. Not to mention when he arrived in Canada, he lived in a small town called North Bay.  Those days, the entire family had no money, don't know English, and don't know anyone.  Don't even know what Winter is like or how to cope with this crazy cold weather.  However, he thought coming here is the best thing ever, a family reunion, a chance to finally be with his father, and good days/dream big can happen soon.  Only 2 years or less after he arrives, my grandfather turned ill - so sick and was sent to a hospital out here in Toronto.  Later they found out he has leukemia and they quickly treated him. However, due to weak immune system for some reason, grandpa also caught some kind of bacteria in the lungs and needed to undergo an emergency surgery.  Before we know, after a year long treatment for leukemia, grandpa passes away.  My father was only 14 years old at the time and has 2 younger brother.  When I hear about my own father and grandpa experiences, I tell myself I must stay strong and I am lucky that I have such a strong father.  For the past two months, my dad was juggling his full-time job while taking care and watching me go through so much "HELL".  I cannot help but to stay as strong as I can: my only way to help my father and those around me to cope with this crazy stress.

I've been praying for an acquainted friend who is also battling cancer.  I met her back in the days when I used to do fashion shows and modelling.  She is living with stage 4 brain cancer and doctor told her many months ago that she wouldn't survive beyond X months.  Right now, she has passed that time and still fighting strong! I believe she is the same age as I or similar.  I asked all my great people who know me, when you are praying, please pray for her too; just like me. :)


Quote for this week that matches some of the thoughts in this blog:

“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet." - Bob Marley

 

"Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it." - Ralph Marston

 

 "It is always very easy to walk away from life challenging events.  It takes so much courage for someone to stay, live and face it.  Those who decided to stay and live with it will grow stronger, and find ways to make changes for the better.  These are the people who will always get the biggest rewards in life in the end vs. those who left." Yin-Lynn Low

Random Thoughts

Can't believe I have 1 more week of recovery at home before my next chemo! So far, the recovery has been a smooth sailing.  The wounds around my neck are closed off. Got some scabs but at least it is not burning or the need to constantly apply all sorts of cream over it.  I can finally take shower and wash the 2/3 of hair that is remaining on my head somewhat normally.  I will need my GI Tube to be out before I can really say I got my body back.  As for my face, all those tiny burnt dots are peeling off.  Maybe thanks to SK-II Essence, La Mer Creme, La Mer Concentrate...  My face didn't get any wounds like my neck.  Perhaps, the skin on the face is thicker than the neck and that is why the side effects didn't creep on it as much.  My throat is slowly recovering.  I managed to eat via the mouth 1/2 a bowl of water down congee once per day.  I thought by now I can at least eat 1 meal per day but no....  I'm quite far away from doing that.  Maybe I'll surprise myself by the end of this week?  We'll see.  My next chemo treatment will be slightly different than the past 3 treatments I received. I'll be getting a new drug added to the mix and instead of one day treatment, this time it will be 5 days long.  I'm resting as much as possible to gear up for next week's battle.  I don't know how much toll it will take on me... hopefully it won't be too much.  Will try to stay strong and firm!

Anything that is normal to anyone, it is not for me.  I haven't been out and in the past few months, yeah.. I have been going through quite a lot.  Just the other day, when the sun finally went down, I finally had a bit of courage to go outside for a quick 1 minute walk.  I was very nervous but my aunt who stayed with me said I'll go with you. Don't worry.  I had my hat on, my jacket on covering my neck, etc..  At first, I had a feeling of success like "wow! I did it!! I'm outside" but shortly after, I told my aunt, I'm ready to go back in....  Even trying to eat, I feel like a baby.  Like as if I just got introduced to solids.  Everything is watered down, got not flavour and I need to take a small spoon at a time.  My stomach hasn't had any solids for over 4 weeks. I can't shock my body and neither can I rush anything down my throat when all the mucus walls are ripped apart.  Every day, I ask myself, what am I ready to try today? How much can I push myself?  Even when I am not up for it but I know my throat is feeling better than the day before, I must try to eat something small to get all the muscles start working again.    Through this cancer war experience, I realized that the fight is not so much about the cancer. It is about fighting all the side effects, and a total mind/body game.  The treatments take care of the cancer but the rest, it is all about me and how I will manage it.  Here's an equation that I came up with on how and what it takes to achieve the highest success rate to fight the cancer:

100% (Cancer is Dead) = 25% (Treatments/Doctors) + 25% (Help/Prayers) + 50% (SELF)

50% is SELF!!!!  You can get all the top drugs, help and prayers but if I don't put in 100% of my own effort to make sure I hit my own 50% of the equation, I reduce my chance for success.  There's nothing worst than to give up.  What does give up looks like?  When you are in so much pain, you know you have to eat but you don't do it.  When you are suppose to sleep, but you run around and do stuff vs. asking for help.  So, letting go everything that you used to do is a MUST, if you can.  When doctor and nurse tell you how to manage all the side effects, you don't follow and comply, then you are not trying to achieve the 50% of the success equation.  When you are stressed, sad, etc.. and cannot find a way to think positive, this is giving up.  Everyone can try to help, tell you all sorts of thing, sending you all the positive and encouraging words etc..  but it doesn't work if you don't find a way to help yourself.  You can go to all the treatments, but it is not enough.  Everything is easier said than done.  I had multiple occasions where I'm about to breakdown but thanks to all the prayers and all the people (family & friends) care, I managed to sustain to this date.  Every time I was about to have a melt down, somehow I get a positive message in my inbox to remind me to stay strong.  Right away, I tell myself that these people took the time to send these message to me, I need to find a way to fight this pain I'm dealing with.  In everything I have done so far in life, I have always tried to contribute 150% of my effort.  So, this won't be an exception either!


My doctors and nurses are really good.  They tell me all sorts of tricks and tips on how to manage my all the different side effects.  However, following their advice takes a lot of effort, dedication, and often they tell me that a lot of their patients who are not compliant, they pay the price for it.

Here's what my approx. routine looks like on a daily basis:

• 11pm/12am - Sleep 
• 3:30am/5:30am - Wake-up, rinse mouth with baking soda, pump 1 bottle of ensure, pump 1 cup of water, take pain meds, apply cream on wounds, nasal rinse
• 6:30/7:30am - go back to sleep
• 10/11am - Wake-up, rinse mouth w/ baking soda, 1st round of eye drops to prevent dry eyes, saline soak entire neck for 5 min, apply cream on wounds and face, pump 1-2 bottle of ensure, pump 1-2 cups of water, do the mucositis mouthwash, take pain meds, walk around the house to exercise (all this will take 2-3 hours), nasal rinse
• 1/2pm - pump 3rd bottle of ensure if didn't do it in the morning, take pain meds, do saline sock, apply cream on wounds, rinse mouth w/ baking soda (literally every 30 min anytime I'm awake), 2nd round of eye drops to prevent dry eyes, nasal rinse
• 3pm - go for a nap
• 5pm/6pm - wake-up, rinse mouth w/ baking soda, do the mucositis mouthwash, pump chinese herbal meds, pump 1-2 cups of water, do last round of saline soak around neck, apply cream on wounds, walk around the house to exercise, nasal rinse
• 8pm - pump last bottle of ensure if ready otherwise wait until 9pm or 10pm, apply cream on wounds, brush teeth and do the 5 min. fluoride trays, eye drops in eyes, walk around to exercise the body, nasal rinse
• 10pm/11pm - rinse mouth with baking soda, take pain meds, apply cream on wounds and get ready for bed, meditate for 5-10 min, nasal rinse

If time permits and I got the energy, I would use it to go on facebook, check emails, and watch a little TV.  But if I don't have the energy, most of the time after I finished pumping the Ensure into my stomach, I would just hibernate and sit on a couch with my eyes closed.  Rinsing my mouth with baking soda is recommended by the docs to help prevent and heal any sores that can develop due to treatments.  Knock on wood, so far so good. Because I rinse literally every 30 min or more often than this, I have managed to have literally none to this date.  As for using the saline soak helps to clean and help the wounds healed.  It also helps to manage the crazy heat that I feel on my face and neck after radiation. I can't use ice packs because it will make everything worst.  I cannot use any soap/body wash to wash the area because it would irritate it even more.  So saline soak is the only cleansing therapy that I can use until my wounds are healed.  The only exercise that I can do without burning too much calories is walking.  I need to walk so that it helps to improve circulations.  I must make sure I keep talking a little bit every day even during the most painful soar throat of all times to make sure my vocals are not deteriorating and keep the muscles working.  And last but not the least, the mucositis mouth wash helps numb the mouth and throat.  It also helps to prevent fungus growth in the back of my throat due to lack of saliva and radiation treatments.  The numbing part last for about 20 min therefore helps ease some of the pain.  Somewhat nasty to rinse with because it is thick and makes me want to gag.  I've been a 100% compliant patient and have done exactly what the docs recommended.  I think that is why the Doc and nurses are all tell me how well I'm doing.  But honestly, even through I was 100% compliant, and receiving encouraging words from medical experts, I still felt like CRAP often when the pain was intolerable.  However, I know that if I didn't do what I did, I would be in a much worst situation and would get hit with stronger side effects.

The last thought on my mind this past week or month but not the least.... is my Charlotte.  She came into my mind more often this month because it was suppose to be a happy and special month for all of us.  If we didn't lose her back in January, my due date with her is May 20/21st.  Or perhaps, last week or the week prior.  I asked my husband how he is feeling, he also told me that this came thru his mind several times this month as well. It is not as simple as saying that we feel like we've moved on.  It will always be in the back of our minds.  We see things that reminds us of her. So far, I think I've moved on a lot faster than I thought I would be by now. Maybe because I'm being distracted with this cancer fight. But I know I've let things go. I know I am not depressed about it because I believe that my daughter has saved my life and she is the most courage/strong baby I've ever known.   I see other pregnant people around me and I don't feel sad. In fact, I get so happy and excited for them.  Also, when I see people having newborns, I also feel so happy that a new life came on this earth!  I just can't wait to get back to normal and have my life back in order and hopefully, a few years down the road, god will bless us with another baby, a sibling for Jake :)

This past weekend was a great one!  My cousin came over for a short period of time with their little one and Jacob had an awesome time at the park with his cousin close to his age!  Another cousin also dropped by with food, flowers, and we had a great chat.  A chat that I didn't think I can do but wanted to do for so damn long at the same time! I still felt like I haven't seen any human beings since I've on-boarded onto this journey!  Only this weekend that I've gotten closer to my son!  I had him on my lap and we did some hand painting.  It is unfortunate that in a few more days that I will need to distant myself from my baby again and get ready for the treatment.  It will be another 2 weeks probably before I can get this close to my little one.  Just need to do what I need to stay healthy and strong.  Not a time to catch anything and bring my immune system down more than what the treatment is suppose to do.  I'm also very happy that I started my next piece of artwork....  Gonna try to see if I can finish it in the next 2 days.  For now, here's the small piece of art that Jake and I did today. Jacob is growing up fast! Just realized that from seeing how big his hand is!!!  Or maybe I lost weight, and my own hand got smaller?  Whatever it is, I'm very proud of this small creative artwork that I did with my son! :) Happy end of a long weekend!

Some Lights

4 wounds around the neck, finally 2 healed, and the other 2 are almost there! Hurray!!! Must be all the prayers that everyone is doing for me!!!  Can't wait to stop using this sticky Proshield stuff and antibiotics on my neck every day and night!!! Hopefully this means better sleep too!  My throat is healing slowly but I managed to drink 1/2 a bowl of some home made Chinese soup.  Although it burns a little but I was able to tolerate the pain.  It wasn't too bad.  Hopefully, in a few more days, I can slowly swallow some small soft piece of food...  I'm thinking maybe Jello?  Maybe tofu?  OMG, I see food and I want to eat it all so badly but I know my throat cannot take it.  Food smells so good but too bad my taste buds are so busted. It will take time (who knows when...) to recover.  It sucks but I guess as long I can start eating a steady 3 meals a day, I can book the appointment and the GI tube removed!!! Fingers crossed... hopefully, this can happen sometime next month.

The nurse visited me today and she was surprised at how well and fast I'm recovering.  She asked what I did, I told her, I am doing the same thing I've been doing. Taking care of myself and continue doing all those recommended stuff by the nurse and docs that I need to do.  She said, well, keep doing it because you're looking better and better everytime I see you.  I'm very happy to hear that. Also, I do feel better slightly as each day pass.  I hope to continue this great trend because in as little as 2.5 weeks, I will get my next dose of Chemo. This time, they are giving me an additional drug and who knows what side effects I will have.  Ideally, none!  Hopefully, with my effort to try to recover as much, hopefully I can walk in with a super strong immune that I will be able to withstand the week long chemo coming up.
 

Gratitude

No radiation treatment week 1 is finally over!  It was seriously a tough one! Only yesterday and today, the level of pain has diminished back to how I felt during the last week of radiation treatment.  Last week was so not easy because I wasn't able to eat and sleep.  I couldn't help but feeling nauseated and wanted to vomit.  I keep reminding myself what my boss told me.... to breath slowly and not think about it.  It worked at times but sometimes, my body just act so fast that the stomach acid just comes out before I can tell my brain to breath.  I tried hard to find ways to distract the pain in my throat but it only last for a few seconds.  It was good to see nice sunny weather last week but it was also not good for me because I had to quarantine myself inside the house wherever there is no sun rays coming in.  Not to mention, I had to super quarantine myself from my son 2 days ago since he ended up with a high fever and got booted out of daycare.  Good thing my parents are still around, they took shifts throughout the day and over the night to watch him as he sleep restlessly so that both Phil and I can get some good rest.  Nothing hurts me more than seeing my son sick, crying from a distant, reaching out his arms, calling for 'mommy' and asking me to go hug him.  And of course, I cannot and had to walk away and stay away from him.  Not the time to catch anything on top of what I'm trying to deal with.

GRATITUDE.  Yes, so many that I might even miss calling out everyone.  Last week was certainly a tough one but I had many people sending me messages to help me through.  My director reached and sent me her words of encouragement.  My Edmonton friend who is traveling in Asia sent me a text message from HK to see how I am doing after she read my last blog.  My best friend and her sister constantly checking up on me and remind me of the battle that I can't give up to.  My wedding planner, my mommy friends, ex-P&G colleagues, Phil's Aunts, etc... all sent me their positive energy.  My best friend from birth is supporting 'le Relais pour la vie Montréal-Centre' and has bought a candle of light to support the battle that I am fighting.  My cousins are like sisters and brothers.  Even my cousin's spouses reaches out to me and ask about my well being frequently.  So blessed and I do feel the love.  All my aunts and uncles, especially on my mother side, have been non-stop calling, dropping off stuff, and sending their thoughts and prayers to me.  They really treat me like their daughter and show me their love for me unconditionally.  I am so moved from all of this.  Daily now.. I feel emotional and starting to shed a tear here and there. I think they are happy tears.  People who knows me well know that I have a soft heart. I don't just shed a tear, I cry a Niagara Falls normally when I am happy or sad.  I know once I feel zero pain, the Niagara Falls will come and create probably create the 5 big lakes.  However, by then, hopefully, I am not crying alone and rather a whole gang of people will do that with me :).  And last but not the least, biggest gratitude to my parents who work so hard and endlessly helping me, the family etc.. the past 2 months.  My mom actually is on a temporary leave from work. As for my father has been non-stop juggling both working and taking me to my treatments.  He also travels back home every 2 weeks for a few days to settle business and would come back out again.  I know my parents are crazy workaholics and have super great energy level to help us the way they have.  They would get up any time my son wakes up in the middle of the night to calm him down as often as needed and then they are up and running around 8am to get things going. They don't go to bed until I do which is around midnight or 1am.  It has been like this for 2 months and I don't know what I would without them.  My parents are already around 60 and +. Not many people at this age can have this kind of energy and strength.  I am grateful, and thankful for God sending me strong parents to enable me to fight this battle at full blast!  I also need to thank God and everyone who has been praying for me daily to help me get through weekly challenges.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I am sad that I cannot celebrate it with my two lovely mothers.  I know my mom and in-law mom will understand.  For sure when I am well, we will all go out for a MEGA FEAST!  I told my husband not to buy me anything.  I don't normally ask for gifts... in fact, rarely.  But this year, I am asking for the gift for great health.  A gift that cannot be bought. I hope for great health as a mother's day gift so that I can live gazillion years of mother's day ahead.  I want to be able to see what Jacob makes me every year.  Yesterday, Jake came home with a small pot with soil and a nice big painted flower on a wooden popsicle stick inside.  He told me that is his Mother's day gift and it has a seed in it.  That just brighten my day! :)  He said that he needs to water and grow it.  I don't know what seed is in there but I guess we will find out with time.  To all my mommy friends/cousins and soon to be mothers, happy mother's day to all of you.  To all my aunts, who cares for me like a daughter, happy mother's day to you too! 

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friend put this together for me as I do look at it frequently trying to remind myself that I cannot give up. 

 

Finally Radiation Treatment is Over But.....

Radiation treatments are over but I am living with crazy side effects. The past 2-3 days, I dropped my calorie intake by half because I cannot hold anything in my stomach.  My neck is at its all time high with 4 open wounds that burns with intense pain.  My throat, the entire lining is deteriorating and causing this crazy soar throat that I have ever had in my life!!!  My saliva glands are super busted... I constantly gag on the foamy saliva that is building up.  My nose is inflamed, because all the mucus lining inside is also breaking apart.  This experience is not easier than what I already faced with in the past few weeks.  All this time, I feel like someone is punching me in the face and I cannot react.  I must hold the pain in, let my emotions remain stable and try to put on a happy face.   When will I see the light..... when......  ????  I only got 4 weeks before my next chemo... I really want to recover as much as possible. I cannot help but to feel emotional.  I cannot help but to constantly think of my baby Charlotte that I've lost.  I cannot help but to shed a few tears in front of the folks who have been treating me, thanking them for their support, and sincere patience.  I feel like crap the fact that I am in this painful condition, cannot play or hang out with my Jake or my husband.  I know I've reached the top of the mountain but there is still a long path to walk towards the cliff before I can jump off and feel free.  This path is rough, I cannot run and must pace myself...... this journey is so long....  :(