It has been a while since I blogged! Finally, finished my second last round of chemo last week. Glad it is over because it was a rough one! I don't understand why licensed IV nurse poke patients every day for a living and cannot find the right vein on the first try! I had to go through 3 pokes before the nurse located a vein and can thread through the 8 inch long tube into it! I swear I was about to collapse when she poked me the 2nd time and told me that the tube wouldn't thread through again. When she asked me if I would let her do it one more time at a different location, I was about to say no but I decided to give her one last chance. I was praying to god in my head asking him to help this nurse and in the end, she managed to get a vein on my right arm and thread through the freakin' 8 inch long tube. It really sucks that my right arm was used for chemo again this round. I felt pretty paralyzed from it and somehow, as the last day of treatment got closer, I don't know what happen but I end up pulling my right side shoulder blade muscle!!! ARG!!! I was in so much pain! Just trying to breath hurts so much! I couldn't get in or out of bed without slowly laying down on my left side and roll up like a worm. At last, today I feel a lot better.... well rested after spending this past week just sleeping throughout the day.
One more treatment to go - fingers crossed! It is scheduled for the end of this month as long my bloodwork shows that I'm ready for it. I really hope it is the last treatment for the rest of my life. I cannot wait to this over with and mainly focus on recovery. Physically, if anyone sees me wouldn't probably know what the hell I have been going through with the exception that I look a lot skinnier than before. I do still have a few dark spots/scars left on my neck due to radiation treatments but they are slowly fading away. In terms of diet, I try to eat a bit more but it is not easy when my mouth is constantly dry. I am mainly living off Ensures but also with a small amount of food. Maybe I haven't eaten for a long time or been drinking too much Ensure.... I can't help but to crave for all the bad food you can imagine! I dreamed of eating my favorite Lays ketchup chips now! I crave for instant noodles with Spam meat (this is something I used to eat maybe twice a year)! I crave for pizza, mcdonalds, fried food, seafood.... all of which I cannot eat! I don't want to crave for this type of food but I cannot help it. Everything I eat is so plain and must be plain because of my busted taste buds! On the bright side, I started to eat a bit more fruits!! Before, I couldn't because everything turns extremely sour once it enters my mouth! I managed to eat 5-10 blueberries, a few pieces of fresh figs, a few slices of small oranges and apples. I felt pretty miserable in the past week because chemo took a toll on me but also started to ask the question why this process can't be a bit easier and why I am not recovering faster....
I cannot describe the feelings I have right now. I can't say I am happy but I am also not sad. I am maybe a bit confused... maybe feel a bit uncertain about things.... Got some thoughts going on that I want to blog about however, don't feel ready to share just about yet. That is it for now.... I'll blog soon again......
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A Small Milestone & Thoughts
Last week was post-chemo and I really challenged myself to try to eat a little more, walk a little more, and do a few things that I haven't done for a long time. Let's start with eating. I made quite a big improvement - in my world. As an example, yesterday, I had 1 bowl of oatmeal, 1 boiled egg, and 1 corn on a cob! Of course, I still have my usual 2 bowls of chinese herbal medicine and 4 bottles of Ensure. I don't eat like this everyday, I try to pace myself. Today, I only had 1/4 of a croissant, 1/2 banana and 1 bowl of chinese melon soup. As for walking, yes I certainly walked a lot more!!! So much that I am trying to figure out if I sprained my left ankle because it is a little swollen or I am fighting some kind of infection or this is due to chemo. I am not sure and will need to wait for my homecare nurse to visit me tomorrow to ask about it. I should have wore a better pair of shoes to walk around the block. Been just wearing my flats. Almost every early evening, once the sun is almost down, I would go out with my father and walk around the block to breath some fresh air. Also, I managed to hit some stores!! I chose early during the day when there is not a lot of people to go out with my father to run some errands (i.e. pick-up grocery, or browse). I would only be in the store for 20-30 min because after this period, I get extremely exhausted due to traffic, and tired looking around at stuff. I managed to hit up a Walmart, Costco, T&T Supermarket, Future Shop, and Melonhead for Jacob's haircut. Pretty much almost 1 store per day! I am sure a happy camper last week because I start to feel a bit more human!!! Also, near the end of the weekend, I got to see a few of my cousins who came by to go to the neighborhood park with Jacob. Jacob had such a blast hanging out with his cousins who are around his age! I am so happy to see my little one having such a great time. Especially the fact the we don't know when we will have a sibling for Jacob, I really want him to see his cousins more often so that he build a strong relationship with them. Just like how I feel about my own cousins, they are like brothers and sisters to me. :) Aside from all of this, I didn't think I was gonna be able to go out and celebrate father's day with my two fathers but I did it! Although I just sat there at the restaurant, didn't eat but drank my Ensure, it felt good to be able to be there in person and just be there.... just be there for them to see me and give them a sense of 'everything will be ok' and that I am getting better slowly. So yes, I finally saw my in-laws for the first time since March!!! I was very happy to see them as much as they were happy to see me! I also saw my bother's in-laws who care very much about my wellbeing too. I feel like I hit quite a milestone last week. I just hope the weeks ahead are moving in the same direction and gets even better!
In terms of sleeping, I still haven't been able to sleep through the night without waking up at some point. Last night I kept waking up almost every hour between 2am and 5am! My nose keep feeling stuffed, my lower back bone aches from sleeping on the back after a while, and I can't seem to sleep deep enough because my brain can't stop thinking. What am I thinking? Too much random stuff, and some are just thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be having. My brain takes me back to January of this year where everything started fall apart. This year was suppose to be the year I go on matleave and not on a freakin' sick leave! I was suppose to have a newborn baby to care for vs. delivering a baby who's heart was still beating and then passes away... and my entire family is trying to take care of me! My thoughts keep going along all unpredictable events that happened so far. I had a conversation with my nanny today about how unpredictable life can be. She later said well, the guy up there wouldn't give a challenge that you can't manage. I want to believe that but I am unsure. Did god really give me a challenge that he really thinks I can beat it or he wants to make me stronger cause I'm weak? I don't know anymore. I don't want to think anymore about it but I find it hard now that I start to feel a little bored, not doing much these days other than trying to rest more to recover. I also had a conversation with my husband a few days back how I felt like being a good person gets no rewards. At one point, I felt like I need to be a bad person moving forward - whatever that means. He told me that he also had some crazy thoughts like this too before. I guess after going through and facing 'life & death', literally twice now for us in a short period of time, your brain gets a good smack! I know I can't think like this, and likely won't be a bad person coming out of all this. I must continue to try to stay good: be a good citizen, family member, friend, and colleague. I have always believed in retribution. If you're bad, you will pay the price for it somehow. Also, if you live too good and not do any good to help others, you will also pay your dues!
Other thoughts been going through my mind is trying to decide if I should read my own blog from the beginning. I was trying to find strength during my chemo a week ago and thought maybe reading my own blog can help since everyone been telling me how after they read my blog, they all comment how strong I have been etc... So, if people thinks I am strong after reading my blog, I should feel strong reading my own blog... right? However, I didn't do that. I was scared that I won't be any stronger but just going to end up in tears for reading old and sad memories. I decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, and just bare the pain I had at that time and praying for the clock to tick faster so that the nurse can remove my chemo plastic tube. Speaking about staying strong and being strong... what does that mean? I've been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about the word 'strong'. I think there are many types and ways to express this but I thought about only 2 versions right now. There are two types of people who can be strong but only 1 is the ultimate 'strong' person. The first type is someone who is constantly challenging themselves and trying different things outside of their comfort zone. This person seeks challenge that many won't consider and will try to achieve it. For example, maybe climbing Mount Everest, sky diving, etc.... These people are strong and courageous! However, those challenges are by choice. Not forced to do it. They build great strengths and skills to make themselves look and feel strong but I don't view these people as the 'ultimate strong' people in life. The 2nd type of strong people are those who didn't choose the challenge but needs to face it. Whether you like it or not, the challenge is life and death. Strengths must be found and sometimes, people can't find it or don't even have the chance to fight. For example, imagine yourself waking up the next day where what you do doesn't matter anymore. Mother nature decided to throw a Tsunami in your face. It is all about you, your family and survival. Are you going to live? What happens to your house? What about your family, maybe they just died from drowning in this crazy disaster? Who cares how much you have or have not accomplished.... are you going to live and how will you live is the big standing question. If you're still living, you got nothing now. Your home is gone, everything you own is gone, and now you got the entire city with dead, sick, and injured people around you. You might be living now, but you can easily catch an infection because of this mess. How are you going to manage your life now? If you want a sense of how this is like, watch the movie called "The Impossible" because in real life it is much worst than this. How about another example.... you wake up and your country decided to have a war around you! Can you fleet that fast? Perhaps if you have the money. But if not, guess what, guns and bombs aren't far away and maybe you will be hit with one before you know it. And of course, being critical ill like having cancer or going through a heart attack etc... are all examples of challenges that many people need to face not by choice. There are probably a lot of different examples that we can continue to call out but this is what I call the 'ultimate' strong people; Either you go through this or someone you love goes through it as you stand by their side. It is very different from the ones who constantly try to challenge themselves daily, it is not the same type of being 'strong'. These are the people that are put through a true life test of 'how strong are you'. You don't know how strong you can be until you really got no choice. The focus is all about survival for you and your family. For me, going through this nightmare of life threatening events have changed my views when people say that person is "strong". The comment 'you are so strong' has a total different meaning to me.
One last thought been triggering my mind all week is the decision on what to do in the future and how much of my life/goals need to be changed. Since my last blog, I had a short conversation with my husband o how people will view me if I do or not change my goals in life. I told him that I know some family or friends might tell me to drop what I want to do in life because of what I have been going through. My husband shared with me his point of views on all of this. He pointed out that he agrees with me that I should follow my heart and go ahead continue to believe and try to achieve the goals I have set for myself. He made a comment about the only people who thinks you shouldn't follow your goals, change them, and/or drop some of it are the people who normally don't have much goals or interest in their own life. He said that I am a goal-getter, it overwhelms those who are not. LOL.... big laugh I had when he said this but comes to think more about it, I don't think my husband is totally wrong. Whatever it is, I truly don't care what people thinks. Like it or not, I am going to follow what I want to do in life and as long I have my husband support, that is good enough. What is right and wrong anyway? It is whatever we believe in.... right? Sometimes, I feel like my mind is sitting on a fence and can't really fall on either side.
Alright moving away from all thoughts, I got exactly 2 more weeks to go before my 2nd last chemo!!! OMG - I wish it was the last one!!! Boy do I not want to have this darn 8 inch plastic tube in my arm and vein! I really hope they can find a good vein on my left arm vs. my right. I am still feeling a little bruised on my right arm. Oh gosh.... I just need to stop thinking about all of this. Freakin' myself out ahead of time is no good!! I need to stop!!! I am going to finish off with a prayer for a dear friend's baby and for her family. My friend's baby just went through an unprecedented lung surgery. I am not exactly sure about the whole story but it certainly broke my heart when I heard about it. It bothered my mind all week and from time to time, I cannot help but to stop during the day and pray:
Dear Lord,
You know my friend so much better than I do. You know her sickness and the burden she carries. You also know her heart. Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now as you work in his life. Lord, let your will be done in my friend's life. If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help her to see her need and confess.
Lord, I pray for my friend just as your Word tells me to pray, for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord, to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why my friend has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort her with your presence.
Let my friend know you are there with her through this difficulty. Give him strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be glorified in her life and also in mine.
Amen.
In terms of sleeping, I still haven't been able to sleep through the night without waking up at some point. Last night I kept waking up almost every hour between 2am and 5am! My nose keep feeling stuffed, my lower back bone aches from sleeping on the back after a while, and I can't seem to sleep deep enough because my brain can't stop thinking. What am I thinking? Too much random stuff, and some are just thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be having. My brain takes me back to January of this year where everything started fall apart. This year was suppose to be the year I go on matleave and not on a freakin' sick leave! I was suppose to have a newborn baby to care for vs. delivering a baby who's heart was still beating and then passes away... and my entire family is trying to take care of me! My thoughts keep going along all unpredictable events that happened so far. I had a conversation with my nanny today about how unpredictable life can be. She later said well, the guy up there wouldn't give a challenge that you can't manage. I want to believe that but I am unsure. Did god really give me a challenge that he really thinks I can beat it or he wants to make me stronger cause I'm weak? I don't know anymore. I don't want to think anymore about it but I find it hard now that I start to feel a little bored, not doing much these days other than trying to rest more to recover. I also had a conversation with my husband a few days back how I felt like being a good person gets no rewards. At one point, I felt like I need to be a bad person moving forward - whatever that means. He told me that he also had some crazy thoughts like this too before. I guess after going through and facing 'life & death', literally twice now for us in a short period of time, your brain gets a good smack! I know I can't think like this, and likely won't be a bad person coming out of all this. I must continue to try to stay good: be a good citizen, family member, friend, and colleague. I have always believed in retribution. If you're bad, you will pay the price for it somehow. Also, if you live too good and not do any good to help others, you will also pay your dues!
Other thoughts been going through my mind is trying to decide if I should read my own blog from the beginning. I was trying to find strength during my chemo a week ago and thought maybe reading my own blog can help since everyone been telling me how after they read my blog, they all comment how strong I have been etc... So, if people thinks I am strong after reading my blog, I should feel strong reading my own blog... right? However, I didn't do that. I was scared that I won't be any stronger but just going to end up in tears for reading old and sad memories. I decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, and just bare the pain I had at that time and praying for the clock to tick faster so that the nurse can remove my chemo plastic tube. Speaking about staying strong and being strong... what does that mean? I've been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about the word 'strong'. I think there are many types and ways to express this but I thought about only 2 versions right now. There are two types of people who can be strong but only 1 is the ultimate 'strong' person. The first type is someone who is constantly challenging themselves and trying different things outside of their comfort zone. This person seeks challenge that many won't consider and will try to achieve it. For example, maybe climbing Mount Everest, sky diving, etc.... These people are strong and courageous! However, those challenges are by choice. Not forced to do it. They build great strengths and skills to make themselves look and feel strong but I don't view these people as the 'ultimate strong' people in life. The 2nd type of strong people are those who didn't choose the challenge but needs to face it. Whether you like it or not, the challenge is life and death. Strengths must be found and sometimes, people can't find it or don't even have the chance to fight. For example, imagine yourself waking up the next day where what you do doesn't matter anymore. Mother nature decided to throw a Tsunami in your face. It is all about you, your family and survival. Are you going to live? What happens to your house? What about your family, maybe they just died from drowning in this crazy disaster? Who cares how much you have or have not accomplished.... are you going to live and how will you live is the big standing question. If you're still living, you got nothing now. Your home is gone, everything you own is gone, and now you got the entire city with dead, sick, and injured people around you. You might be living now, but you can easily catch an infection because of this mess. How are you going to manage your life now? If you want a sense of how this is like, watch the movie called "The Impossible" because in real life it is much worst than this. How about another example.... you wake up and your country decided to have a war around you! Can you fleet that fast? Perhaps if you have the money. But if not, guess what, guns and bombs aren't far away and maybe you will be hit with one before you know it. And of course, being critical ill like having cancer or going through a heart attack etc... are all examples of challenges that many people need to face not by choice. There are probably a lot of different examples that we can continue to call out but this is what I call the 'ultimate' strong people; Either you go through this or someone you love goes through it as you stand by their side. It is very different from the ones who constantly try to challenge themselves daily, it is not the same type of being 'strong'. These are the people that are put through a true life test of 'how strong are you'. You don't know how strong you can be until you really got no choice. The focus is all about survival for you and your family. For me, going through this nightmare of life threatening events have changed my views when people say that person is "strong". The comment 'you are so strong' has a total different meaning to me.
One last thought been triggering my mind all week is the decision on what to do in the future and how much of my life/goals need to be changed. Since my last blog, I had a short conversation with my husband o how people will view me if I do or not change my goals in life. I told him that I know some family or friends might tell me to drop what I want to do in life because of what I have been going through. My husband shared with me his point of views on all of this. He pointed out that he agrees with me that I should follow my heart and go ahead continue to believe and try to achieve the goals I have set for myself. He made a comment about the only people who thinks you shouldn't follow your goals, change them, and/or drop some of it are the people who normally don't have much goals or interest in their own life. He said that I am a goal-getter, it overwhelms those who are not. LOL.... big laugh I had when he said this but comes to think more about it, I don't think my husband is totally wrong. Whatever it is, I truly don't care what people thinks. Like it or not, I am going to follow what I want to do in life and as long I have my husband support, that is good enough. What is right and wrong anyway? It is whatever we believe in.... right? Sometimes, I feel like my mind is sitting on a fence and can't really fall on either side.
Alright moving away from all thoughts, I got exactly 2 more weeks to go before my 2nd last chemo!!! OMG - I wish it was the last one!!! Boy do I not want to have this darn 8 inch plastic tube in my arm and vein! I really hope they can find a good vein on my left arm vs. my right. I am still feeling a little bruised on my right arm. Oh gosh.... I just need to stop thinking about all of this. Freakin' myself out ahead of time is no good!! I need to stop!!! I am going to finish off with a prayer for a dear friend's baby and for her family. My friend's baby just went through an unprecedented lung surgery. I am not exactly sure about the whole story but it certainly broke my heart when I heard about it. It bothered my mind all week and from time to time, I cannot help but to stop during the day and pray:
Dear Lord,
You know my friend so much better than I do. You know her sickness and the burden she carries. You also know her heart. Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now as you work in his life. Lord, let your will be done in my friend's life. If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help her to see her need and confess.
Lord, I pray for my friend just as your Word tells me to pray, for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord, to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why my friend has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort her with your presence.
Let my friend know you are there with her through this difficulty. Give him strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be glorified in her life and also in mine.
Amen.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Another Treatment Completed!
After getting chemo drugs for 5 days on a row where I spent 1 day in the hospital and the rest of it at home, I am so glad that it is over! Too bad, I still have 2 more rounds of these to go. When they told me that they will insert a longer plastic tube needle inside my vein, I thought it was like a finger long. Only on Monday, when my dad brought me back to the hospital to get the stuff removed, I then found out really how long that plastic needle was!! Both my dad and I were so surprised to see the length of that thing inside my arm. It was no jokes, literally 8 inches long!! The length between my elbow and shoulders! No wonder my right arm felt so paralyzed... skinny arm, skinny veins, and got this freakin' long tube inside of it! The past 5 nights, I was only able to sleep on my back. For some reason, my GI tube was hurting me a little as well, so I couldn't rotate. My left shoulder blade is killing me... not sure if I pulled a muscle or this pain is a result of sleeping too much on my back! Now, I have approx. 3.5 weeks of break before the next round of chemo - yes.. 2nd last one!!!!! I cannot wait! Hate to see another long plastic tube get inserted again... :(
Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal! I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs! Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!! So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp! :( I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping! It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour! She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds! She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work. I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July. So, I must wait. The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea. I really want this tube gone!!! So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably.... Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.
Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience. I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback. It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas that I believe could make a difference for future patients. I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone. I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out. The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week! I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves! It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous. The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions. Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help. 3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..) It is so important!!! When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it. It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different. Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment. I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress. People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't! There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help. Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it. And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick! So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this? Go figure!
Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me. I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself. We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about. So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it. We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this.... whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this." She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time...... She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?" I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life. This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control! Of course it changed my life! If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc... Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!! The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals.... I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?! It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience
Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B. I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me.... Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it. But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life? What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child? My goals are fairly basic: continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business. I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it. So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully. I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live. I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.
Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky. Why? Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well. The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver! I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time. I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care. Totally blessed! The support that I have been getting truly amazes me! I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me? I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care. So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)
Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal! I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs! Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!! So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp! :( I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping! It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour! She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds! She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work. I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July. So, I must wait. The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea. I really want this tube gone!!! So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably.... Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.
Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience. I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback. It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas that I believe could make a difference for future patients. I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone. I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out. The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week! I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves! It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous. The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions. Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help. 3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..) It is so important!!! When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it. It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different. Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment. I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress. People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't! There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help. Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it. And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick! So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this? Go figure!
Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me. I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself. We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about. So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it. We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this.... whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this." She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time...... She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?" I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life. This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control! Of course it changed my life! If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc... Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!! The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals.... I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?! It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience
Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B. I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me.... Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it. But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life? What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child? My goals are fairly basic: continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business. I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it. So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully. I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live. I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.
Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky. Why? Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well. The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver! I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time. I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care. Totally blessed! The support that I have been getting truly amazes me! I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me? I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care. So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)
Friday, May 31, 2013
Random Thoughts Part 2
Can't believe it is Friday already! I've been working 'real hard' trying to rest more, sleep more, and
increase my food intake by mouth and via the GI tube. Normally, I pump 4 bottles of Ensure through the tube but so far, this entire week I have increased it to 5 bottles of Ensure! I've also increased slightly food intake by mouth. My belly is so bloated every time I tried to eat because I must sip water with every small bite to decrease the burning sensation at the back of my throat. Also, water helps the chewed up food go down my esophagus easier. This week, my aunts/uncles on my mom side have continued to show their love for me and care. The minute they heard that my white blood cells are down, they went online to research on how to increase the white blood cells, and one of my aunt actually work in the hospital, she also asked around for me. They called my parents, telling them what to make in terms of food, soups, and what I should do to help increase both white and red blood cells to boost my immune system. I feel so loved and grateful for such great family members that I have. Money certainly can't buy these relationships!
I've been trying very hard to increase my weight - yes, trying to get FAT! But unfortunately, I haven't been able to do so. Right, I'm sure if my girl friends see this, they would want to spank me in the ass for saying this truth! LOL! The past 2 weeks, I can't stop thinking about how much weight changes I've gone through in less than a year:
Looks like I will continue to miss out a lot of upcoming events because my 4th chemo treatment got delayed by a week. From birthdays to baby showers, wedding showers to the actual wedding, and new born chinese 1 month old birthday celebration. I hate to not be able to attend any of this!!! DAMN IT!!! I know everyone won't blame or hate me for it but I really hate myself and sad that I really cannot attend. I'm hoping Phil and Jake will be able to take part in some of these at the bare minimum. Every time I get chemo, it takes at least 2 weeks for me to get back up to speed where I was before treatment. Chemo kills not only good but also bad cells in the body. So, the immune system is really weak. For me, it has a greater impact. Although radiation treatment has been completed 4 weeks ago, but its effect remains in the body for several months. I know a lot of people wants to see and visit me but unfortunately, I need to start pulling a wait list together haha..... I also told my husband the other day that I'm having such a difficult time figuring out which family and friend to see first when I'm ready. I don't know how to choose because they are all important to me. But one thing for sure is that I must see my in-laws first because they have been non-stop praying and waiting to see me for a LONG LONG LONG time. But as for the rest... I'm real stuck! One of my cousin's friend that I've known for a long time texted me about visiting me and I jokingly told him... I got a long wait list going on! He texted me right away and said: "well, I've known you when you were little even before you moved out from your small town for university. I hope that brings me up the rank!". I told him that I would highly consider the years we've known each other and perhaps, bring him up the rank as he has proposed! :p I honestly think when I'm ready to have visitors, I'm just gonna choose a day in August (hopefully all my treatments are done by then), and invite all friends and family over for a MEGA party! I wish family and friends from overseas/out of town can come but I know it will be a stretch! I know they will celebrate spiritually for me even though they are far away.
My husband and I are super lucky!!! Today, my parents mowed our national park size lawn! Yes, I got a really deep and wide backyard!! Big enough to build another house behind ours. They've even picked out any weeds that Phil has missed from the last time he cut the lawn. There's always a say that you can't choose your parents but I told myself if I get to re-live my life again, I would want the same parents that I have today! Both of them are already over 60 and they're so active both at home and work! They are crazy workaholics! Ok... I know what my friends/family would say about me... I'm just the same. Right - I can't help it. Maybe I got some of those hard working genes! Even if I don't have those 'workaholic' genes, I would try to be like one! My parents works so hard in their entire life that I keep telling myself since I was little that I must work just as hard or even greater. My parents never ask their kids to buy them anything - very simple people! I know their expectations are that I become a good citizen, and follow my dreams. They never let me worry about money and just wanted me to stay focus and finish school, find a good job that I'm passionate about and live a happy life. So, during my entire past 32 years, I've tried to learn, and accomplish as much as I can. This is my only way to say thank you to my parents, and make them feel proud of their creation! I hope because of their active lives, they will live a very very very long one so that I will have the opportunity to take care and show my appreciation for all the things they have done for me! I've never like to be treated like a princess but right now, I have to let that happen. Especially in the next 5 years! Doctor said that I must not be stressed so everyone must let me do, and be the way I want to be. So, princess I am and will be for a while! What a serious challenge because I like to do things myself.
Due to lack of energy during this past week, I lost great motivation to complete my Japanese Maple tree painting. Jake really wanted to more painting with his mommy so I switched gear what thought to be a simple project but in the end, took more time and effort than estimated. This one got more details and mixing the right colour for it took a lot of time. So far, I got 40 likes! The bird painting is still the hottest and most 'liked' on FB. Today, I hope to complete my Japanese maple painting and post on my blog soon!!!
increase my food intake by mouth and via the GI tube. Normally, I pump 4 bottles of Ensure through the tube but so far, this entire week I have increased it to 5 bottles of Ensure! I've also increased slightly food intake by mouth. My belly is so bloated every time I tried to eat because I must sip water with every small bite to decrease the burning sensation at the back of my throat. Also, water helps the chewed up food go down my esophagus easier. This week, my aunts/uncles on my mom side have continued to show their love for me and care. The minute they heard that my white blood cells are down, they went online to research on how to increase the white blood cells, and one of my aunt actually work in the hospital, she also asked around for me. They called my parents, telling them what to make in terms of food, soups, and what I should do to help increase both white and red blood cells to boost my immune system. I feel so loved and grateful for such great family members that I have. Money certainly can't buy these relationships!
I've been trying very hard to increase my weight - yes, trying to get FAT! But unfortunately, I haven't been able to do so. Right, I'm sure if my girl friends see this, they would want to spank me in the ass for saying this truth! LOL! The past 2 weeks, I can't stop thinking about how much weight changes I've gone through in less than a year:
- Average weight in the past few years / Pre-pregnancy - 123 lbs
- 5 months pregnancy - 135 lbs
- Post-pregnancy - 125 lbs
- Post 7 weeks of Radiation treatments - 120 lbs
- 1st week no radiation treatment - 113 lbs (CRAZY side effects killed me!)
- Now - 116-117 lbs
Looks like I will continue to miss out a lot of upcoming events because my 4th chemo treatment got delayed by a week. From birthdays to baby showers, wedding showers to the actual wedding, and new born chinese 1 month old birthday celebration. I hate to not be able to attend any of this!!! DAMN IT!!! I know everyone won't blame or hate me for it but I really hate myself and sad that I really cannot attend. I'm hoping Phil and Jake will be able to take part in some of these at the bare minimum. Every time I get chemo, it takes at least 2 weeks for me to get back up to speed where I was before treatment. Chemo kills not only good but also bad cells in the body. So, the immune system is really weak. For me, it has a greater impact. Although radiation treatment has been completed 4 weeks ago, but its effect remains in the body for several months. I know a lot of people wants to see and visit me but unfortunately, I need to start pulling a wait list together haha..... I also told my husband the other day that I'm having such a difficult time figuring out which family and friend to see first when I'm ready. I don't know how to choose because they are all important to me. But one thing for sure is that I must see my in-laws first because they have been non-stop praying and waiting to see me for a LONG LONG LONG time. But as for the rest... I'm real stuck! One of my cousin's friend that I've known for a long time texted me about visiting me and I jokingly told him... I got a long wait list going on! He texted me right away and said: "well, I've known you when you were little even before you moved out from your small town for university. I hope that brings me up the rank!". I told him that I would highly consider the years we've known each other and perhaps, bring him up the rank as he has proposed! :p I honestly think when I'm ready to have visitors, I'm just gonna choose a day in August (hopefully all my treatments are done by then), and invite all friends and family over for a MEGA party! I wish family and friends from overseas/out of town can come but I know it will be a stretch! I know they will celebrate spiritually for me even though they are far away.
My husband and I are super lucky!!! Today, my parents mowed our national park size lawn! Yes, I got a really deep and wide backyard!! Big enough to build another house behind ours. They've even picked out any weeds that Phil has missed from the last time he cut the lawn. There's always a say that you can't choose your parents but I told myself if I get to re-live my life again, I would want the same parents that I have today! Both of them are already over 60 and they're so active both at home and work! They are crazy workaholics! Ok... I know what my friends/family would say about me... I'm just the same. Right - I can't help it. Maybe I got some of those hard working genes! Even if I don't have those 'workaholic' genes, I would try to be like one! My parents works so hard in their entire life that I keep telling myself since I was little that I must work just as hard or even greater. My parents never ask their kids to buy them anything - very simple people! I know their expectations are that I become a good citizen, and follow my dreams. They never let me worry about money and just wanted me to stay focus and finish school, find a good job that I'm passionate about and live a happy life. So, during my entire past 32 years, I've tried to learn, and accomplish as much as I can. This is my only way to say thank you to my parents, and make them feel proud of their creation! I hope because of their active lives, they will live a very very very long one so that I will have the opportunity to take care and show my appreciation for all the things they have done for me! I've never like to be treated like a princess but right now, I have to let that happen. Especially in the next 5 years! Doctor said that I must not be stressed so everyone must let me do, and be the way I want to be. So, princess I am and will be for a while! What a serious challenge because I like to do things myself.
Due to lack of energy during this past week, I lost great motivation to complete my Japanese Maple tree painting. Jake really wanted to more painting with his mommy so I switched gear what thought to be a simple project but in the end, took more time and effort than estimated. This one got more details and mixing the right colour for it took a lot of time. So far, I got 40 likes! The bird painting is still the hottest and most 'liked' on FB. Today, I hope to complete my Japanese maple painting and post on my blog soon!!!
Monday, May 27, 2013
No Treatment This Week
Booh!!! Yay!!! Booh!!! Yay!!! Booh because after a long day at the hospital, I didn't end up getting chemo treatment. My white blood cells level is lower than they wanted to see so they cannot give me chemo until it goes back up to where it is safe for me to get the treatment. It was a close one! My level shows 1.35 and they wanted to see 1.5. So, the doc said I should be able to do it next week and scheduled me back in for then. So, it also means that my entire 3 more chemo plan got pushed back by at least one week now. Also, it means that my immune system is weak and I will need to wear a mask - especially at home when my little Jake comes back from daycare. I must rest LOTS, continue to hibernate at home, and try to push myself to eat a bit more to strengthen my immune. Yay because I went to my dentist said that my saliva is almost back to normal!!! However, I don't for some reason feel like it is. My saliva still feels fairly thick, bubbly, etc... but whatever, if they say that I'm recovering well in terms of saliva glands, then I will take any good news! Another Yay is that I was craving for a bowl of noodle soup made with fish. Only this restaurant in Richmond Hill that I know makes it real well. I managed to eat a very small bowl. I also craved for a small doughnut but boy does it taste so bad!! It taste like I was eating cardboard or something. Not like I have eaten cardboard in my life but it was so hard to chow it down! Also, it was suppose to taste sweet but not for me, it tasted very salty!!!
So disappointed that I can't get chemo this week as planned but happy that I got some good news out of it too. Life is so unpredictable!!!!! Ugh..... :p
So disappointed that I can't get chemo this week as planned but happy that I got some good news out of it too. Life is so unpredictable!!!!! Ugh..... :p
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Making a Difference
Never have I thought that my past few months of traumatic life events can have so much impact on those who know me. I've been getting text messages, emails, phone calls etc.. from literally the entire world that I know telling me how strong I have been. I often wonder if these people are saying that to encourage me and/or telling me because I am really that strong. In addition of being called such a strong woman, I also been viewed and called as a strong mom, strong 32 years old female, superwoman, and warrior. I'm flattered with all of this. However, what I can't wait to be called... something that I can't wait to say is "I'm ALIVE!!!!! I'm a SURVIVOR!!!!". I know this day will come with patience and efforts as I continue on my battle and journey to earn my life back!
Speaking about impacting other people's life, I didn't realize how many people been following my blog, thinking about me every single day, and started to make adjustment with their own lives. I'm very happy to hear that my life experience and my blog have helped others. I got almost over 3,000 views from my blog?! Back in high school, I've won the Lieutenant Governor General Award for making a difference in people's life. Not that I'm looking to win another award but I often wonder when can I make more difference in people's life just like those high school days. I feel very happy when I can help people. I used to do a lot of volunteer work and in the recent years, instead of doing hands on volunteer work I just donate money and support friends who are raising funds for various charities. I guess since I got sick, I have helped a lot of people indirectly. I was telling my best friend today that I didn't know what I was thinking but my heart wanted to help people all the time even during the most challenging time. This goes way back to March, when I first met my oncologist, a nurse came to ask me if she can use my records for research. I agreed instantly without regrets. Not only that involves a 5 long pages survey but also it would mean giving 2 additional bottles of blood, a total of 8 bottles. I remember my husband giving me the "are you crazy" look. When the nurse walked away to give me time to complete the survey, my husband right away asked me, why did you say yes to this, you just found out you have cancer, I don't want you to stress, you hate giving blood, what are you thinking, etc.... I just remember telling him that I don't know why but I know that the more information they have from patients like me, the better they can collect data on how this cancer is developed and better treat future patients. I can only get the best treatment today with the help of patients who in the past have agreed to do something similar. Without patients who volunteer to do things like this, treatment plans can never really improve and neither can all the medical researcher continue to understand better this disease. Let's be honest here, when the nurse told me how many bottles of blood they will take from me anyway to do testing and help me set-up my treatment plan, I was going to faint. I hate giving blood and I often over react more than I should; I'm such a CHICKEN. But when she said that if I agree to the research they will only take 2 more bottles, in my head I was thinking if I was going to faint anyway and the needle is in my arm already as mind as well give her all the blood I got. So I have accepted it. Speaking about helping people, I have accepted to be interviewed tomorrow by a social worker and doctor who wants to understand better my experience, my thoughts on how to improve the entire program and how to cope with the treatments, etc... I've asked her how they heard about me and they told me that my nurse and treatment doctors thought I would be a good candidate to be part of their other research. I don't have much comments about the treatments itself because I am no doctor. However, having gone through almost the entire experience, along the way I have seen enough and do have ideas on how to help them improve the program for other people who diagnosed with the same condition. Regardless whenever or not they will deploy my opinions/ideas, I think being able to help these people who are trying to help others make feel so good! :)
This past week, I have been able to do Ipad facetime for a short period w/ my best friend. I received an email from my very good guy friend from university that I have lost touch for a few months that cheered me up. I also spoke to my compassionate boss and she brought laughter to my heart. My director also sent me a text message to let me know she is thinking about me and wish me well this week. I continuously get supportive text and email messages from family and friends who lives close and far away. I painted w/ Jake again. I managed to drink some watercrest soup, a finger long vegetable, 2 small pieces (dice size) chicken, and 1 bowl of watered down congee. Every day, I push myself a bit and remind myself that I must try to eat something small via the mouth even though it burns. I am a little disappointed that I can't eat 1 meal by mouth by now. Hopefully, in 1 to 2 more weeks from now, I can chow down 1 meal. What else happened this week... oh yes! I slept in my own room next to my husband for the first time in 2.5 months! Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well because I am not used to the bed. I'm back in the front room, alone, for at least the next 2 weeks. What else....??? Oh yes!! I'm so happy and excited to have 2 new babies in the family!!!! My cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby boy on May 22nd and my husband cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby girl on the same day?!!! What are the odds?!! My little Jake is so lucky to have so many cousins already but this year, he has 3 more new cousins!!! I can't wait to see both of them!!! This brings up something...many people are surprised the fact that I am ok to hear and be around other people's baby and pregnancy news. I don't know why but after talking to my best friend today she told me why. She said that I've always been a person who is very happy for other people. Who is happy to see other people happy. Who gets excited when good things happen to people that I know. So, despite what happened to me and how unfortunate my life is, I am who I am... will always be happy for other people. I guess she is right and not everyone is like me. Some people will be so traumatized by now if they lived what I have been going through and likely cannot be around other people who has good news to share. I often compete with my own self and have zero intention to compete with other people or wish they go to hell - even with people whom I don't like. I don't ask why or get jealous about what other people have. I don't get sad, depressed, or hide in the dark about how shit my life is compare to others because I know deep in my heart there are a lot of people out there who are worst off in life. In fact, I always know I am VERY LUCKY compared to all family members from previous generations. One example that I will never forget is my own father's life. He barely spent time or seen his own father growing up. He immigrated to Canada with grandma and uncle with zero English language background. Not to mention when he arrived in Canada, he lived in a small town called North Bay. Those days, the entire family had no money, don't know English, and don't know anyone. Don't even know what Winter is like or how to cope with this crazy cold weather. However, he thought coming here is the best thing ever, a family reunion, a chance to finally be with his father, and good days/dream big can happen soon. Only 2 years or less after he arrives, my grandfather turned ill - so sick and was sent to a hospital out here in Toronto. Later they found out he has leukemia and they quickly treated him. However, due to weak immune system for some reason, grandpa also caught some kind of bacteria in the lungs and needed to undergo an emergency surgery. Before we know, after a year long treatment for leukemia, grandpa passes away. My father was only 14 years old at the time and has 2 younger brother. When I hear about my own father and grandpa experiences, I tell myself I must stay strong and I am lucky that I have such a strong father. For the past two months, my dad was juggling his full-time job while taking care and watching me go through so much "HELL". I cannot help but to stay as strong as I can: my only way to help my father and those around me to cope with this crazy stress.
I've been praying for an acquainted friend who is also battling cancer. I met her back in the days when I used to do fashion shows and modelling. She is living with stage 4 brain cancer and doctor told her many months ago that she wouldn't survive beyond X months. Right now, she has passed that time and still fighting strong! I believe she is the same age as I or similar. I asked all my great people who know me, when you are praying, please pray for her too; just like me. :)
Quote for this week that matches some of the thoughts in this blog:
Speaking about impacting other people's life, I didn't realize how many people been following my blog, thinking about me every single day, and started to make adjustment with their own lives. I'm very happy to hear that my life experience and my blog have helped others. I got almost over 3,000 views from my blog?! Back in high school, I've won the Lieutenant Governor General Award for making a difference in people's life. Not that I'm looking to win another award but I often wonder when can I make more difference in people's life just like those high school days. I feel very happy when I can help people. I used to do a lot of volunteer work and in the recent years, instead of doing hands on volunteer work I just donate money and support friends who are raising funds for various charities. I guess since I got sick, I have helped a lot of people indirectly. I was telling my best friend today that I didn't know what I was thinking but my heart wanted to help people all the time even during the most challenging time. This goes way back to March, when I first met my oncologist, a nurse came to ask me if she can use my records for research. I agreed instantly without regrets. Not only that involves a 5 long pages survey but also it would mean giving 2 additional bottles of blood, a total of 8 bottles. I remember my husband giving me the "are you crazy" look. When the nurse walked away to give me time to complete the survey, my husband right away asked me, why did you say yes to this, you just found out you have cancer, I don't want you to stress, you hate giving blood, what are you thinking, etc.... I just remember telling him that I don't know why but I know that the more information they have from patients like me, the better they can collect data on how this cancer is developed and better treat future patients. I can only get the best treatment today with the help of patients who in the past have agreed to do something similar. Without patients who volunteer to do things like this, treatment plans can never really improve and neither can all the medical researcher continue to understand better this disease. Let's be honest here, when the nurse told me how many bottles of blood they will take from me anyway to do testing and help me set-up my treatment plan, I was going to faint. I hate giving blood and I often over react more than I should; I'm such a CHICKEN. But when she said that if I agree to the research they will only take 2 more bottles, in my head I was thinking if I was going to faint anyway and the needle is in my arm already as mind as well give her all the blood I got. So I have accepted it. Speaking about helping people, I have accepted to be interviewed tomorrow by a social worker and doctor who wants to understand better my experience, my thoughts on how to improve the entire program and how to cope with the treatments, etc... I've asked her how they heard about me and they told me that my nurse and treatment doctors thought I would be a good candidate to be part of their other research. I don't have much comments about the treatments itself because I am no doctor. However, having gone through almost the entire experience, along the way I have seen enough and do have ideas on how to help them improve the program for other people who diagnosed with the same condition. Regardless whenever or not they will deploy my opinions/ideas, I think being able to help these people who are trying to help others make feel so good! :)
This past week, I have been able to do Ipad facetime for a short period w/ my best friend. I received an email from my very good guy friend from university that I have lost touch for a few months that cheered me up. I also spoke to my compassionate boss and she brought laughter to my heart. My director also sent me a text message to let me know she is thinking about me and wish me well this week. I continuously get supportive text and email messages from family and friends who lives close and far away. I painted w/ Jake again. I managed to drink some watercrest soup, a finger long vegetable, 2 small pieces (dice size) chicken, and 1 bowl of watered down congee. Every day, I push myself a bit and remind myself that I must try to eat something small via the mouth even though it burns. I am a little disappointed that I can't eat 1 meal by mouth by now. Hopefully, in 1 to 2 more weeks from now, I can chow down 1 meal. What else happened this week... oh yes! I slept in my own room next to my husband for the first time in 2.5 months! Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well because I am not used to the bed. I'm back in the front room, alone, for at least the next 2 weeks. What else....??? Oh yes!! I'm so happy and excited to have 2 new babies in the family!!!! My cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby boy on May 22nd and my husband cousin's wife delivered a beautiful baby girl on the same day?!!! What are the odds?!! My little Jake is so lucky to have so many cousins already but this year, he has 3 more new cousins!!! I can't wait to see both of them!!! This brings up something...many people are surprised the fact that I am ok to hear and be around other people's baby and pregnancy news. I don't know why but after talking to my best friend today she told me why. She said that I've always been a person who is very happy for other people. Who is happy to see other people happy. Who gets excited when good things happen to people that I know. So, despite what happened to me and how unfortunate my life is, I am who I am... will always be happy for other people. I guess she is right and not everyone is like me. Some people will be so traumatized by now if they lived what I have been going through and likely cannot be around other people who has good news to share. I often compete with my own self and have zero intention to compete with other people or wish they go to hell - even with people whom I don't like. I don't ask why or get jealous about what other people have. I don't get sad, depressed, or hide in the dark about how shit my life is compare to others because I know deep in my heart there are a lot of people out there who are worst off in life. In fact, I always know I am VERY LUCKY compared to all family members from previous generations. One example that I will never forget is my own father's life. He barely spent time or seen his own father growing up. He immigrated to Canada with grandma and uncle with zero English language background. Not to mention when he arrived in Canada, he lived in a small town called North Bay. Those days, the entire family had no money, don't know English, and don't know anyone. Don't even know what Winter is like or how to cope with this crazy cold weather. However, he thought coming here is the best thing ever, a family reunion, a chance to finally be with his father, and good days/dream big can happen soon. Only 2 years or less after he arrives, my grandfather turned ill - so sick and was sent to a hospital out here in Toronto. Later they found out he has leukemia and they quickly treated him. However, due to weak immune system for some reason, grandpa also caught some kind of bacteria in the lungs and needed to undergo an emergency surgery. Before we know, after a year long treatment for leukemia, grandpa passes away. My father was only 14 years old at the time and has 2 younger brother. When I hear about my own father and grandpa experiences, I tell myself I must stay strong and I am lucky that I have such a strong father. For the past two months, my dad was juggling his full-time job while taking care and watching me go through so much "HELL". I cannot help but to stay as strong as I can: my only way to help my father and those around me to cope with this crazy stress.
I've been praying for an acquainted friend who is also battling cancer. I met her back in the days when I used to do fashion shows and modelling. She is living with stage 4 brain cancer and doctor told her many months ago that she wouldn't survive beyond X months. Right now, she has passed that time and still fighting strong! I believe she is the same age as I or similar. I asked all my great people who know me, when you are praying, please pray for her too; just like me. :)
Quote for this week that matches some of the thoughts in this blog:
Monday, May 20, 2013
Random Thoughts
Can't believe I have 1 more week of recovery at home before my next chemo! So far, the recovery has been a smooth sailing. The wounds around my neck are closed off. Got some scabs but at least it is not burning or the need to constantly apply all sorts of cream over it. I can finally take shower and wash the 2/3 of hair that is remaining on my head somewhat normally. I will need my GI Tube to be out before I can really say I got my body back. As for my face, all those tiny burnt dots are peeling off. Maybe thanks to SK-II Essence, La Mer Creme, La Mer Concentrate... My face didn't get any wounds like my neck. Perhaps, the skin on the face is thicker than the neck and that is why the side effects didn't creep on it as much. My throat is slowly recovering. I managed to eat via the mouth 1/2 a bowl of water down congee once per day. I thought by now I can at least eat 1 meal per day but no.... I'm quite far away from doing that. Maybe I'll surprise myself by the end of this week? We'll see. My next chemo treatment will be slightly different than the past 3 treatments I received. I'll be getting a new drug added to the mix and instead of one day treatment, this time it will be 5 days long. I'm resting as much as possible to gear up for next week's battle. I don't know how much toll it will take on me... hopefully it won't be too much. Will try to stay strong and firm!
Anything that is normal to anyone, it is not for me. I haven't been out and in the past few months, yeah.. I have been going through quite a lot. Just the other day, when the sun finally went down, I finally had a bit of courage to go outside for a quick 1 minute walk. I was very nervous but my aunt who stayed with me said I'll go with you. Don't worry. I had my hat on, my jacket on covering my neck, etc.. At first, I had a feeling of success like "wow! I did it!! I'm outside" but shortly after, I told my aunt, I'm ready to go back in.... Even trying to eat, I feel like a baby. Like as if I just got introduced to solids. Everything is watered down, got not flavour and I need to take a small spoon at a time. My stomach hasn't had any solids for over 4 weeks. I can't shock my body and neither can I rush anything down my throat when all the mucus walls are ripped apart. Every day, I ask myself, what am I ready to try today? How much can I push myself? Even when I am not up for it but I know my throat is feeling better than the day before, I must try to eat something small to get all the muscles start working again. Through this cancer war experience, I realized that the fight is not so much about the cancer. It is about fighting all the side effects, and a total mind/body game. The treatments take care of the cancer but the rest, it is all about me and how I will manage it. Here's an equation that I came up with on how and what it takes to achieve the highest success rate to fight the cancer:
100% (Cancer is Dead) = 25% (Treatments/Doctors) + 25% (Help/Prayers) + 50% (SELF)
50% is SELF!!!! You can get all the top drugs, help and prayers but if I don't put in 100% of my own effort to make sure I hit my own 50% of the equation, I reduce my chance for success. There's nothing worst than to give up. What does give up looks like? When you are in so much pain, you know you have to eat but you don't do it. When you are suppose to sleep, but you run around and do stuff vs. asking for help. So, letting go everything that you used to do is a MUST, if you can. When doctor and nurse tell you how to manage all the side effects, you don't follow and comply, then you are not trying to achieve the 50% of the success equation. When you are stressed, sad, etc.. and cannot find a way to think positive, this is giving up. Everyone can try to help, tell you all sorts of thing, sending you all the positive and encouraging words etc.. but it doesn't work if you don't find a way to help yourself. You can go to all the treatments, but it is not enough. Everything is easier said than done. I had multiple occasions where I'm about to breakdown but thanks to all the prayers and all the people (family & friends) care, I managed to sustain to this date. Every time I was about to have a melt down, somehow I get a positive message in my inbox to remind me to stay strong. Right away, I tell myself that these people took the time to send these message to me, I need to find a way to fight this pain I'm dealing with. In everything I have done so far in life, I have always tried to contribute 150% of my effort. So, this won't be an exception either!
My doctors and nurses are really good. They tell me all sorts of tricks and tips on how to manage my all the different side effects. However, following their advice takes a lot of effort, dedication, and often they tell me that a lot of their patients who are not compliant, they pay the price for it.
Here's what my approx. routine looks like on a daily basis:
The last thought on my mind this past week or month but not the least.... is my Charlotte. She came into my mind more often this month because it was suppose to be a happy and special month for all of us. If we didn't lose her back in January, my due date with her is May 20/21st. Or perhaps, last week or the week prior. I asked my husband how he is feeling, he also told me that this came thru his mind several times this month as well. It is not as simple as saying that we feel like we've moved on. It will always be in the back of our minds. We see things that reminds us of her. So far, I think I've moved on a lot faster than I thought I would be by now. Maybe because I'm being distracted with this cancer fight. But I know I've let things go. I know I am not depressed about it because I believe that my daughter has saved my life and she is the most courage/strong baby I've ever known. I see other pregnant people around me and I don't feel sad. In fact, I get so happy and excited for them. Also, when I see people having newborns, I also feel so happy that a new life came on this earth! I just can't wait to get back to normal and have my life back in order and hopefully, a few years down the road, god will bless us with another baby, a sibling for Jake :)
This past weekend was a great one! My cousin came over for a short period of time with their little one and Jacob had an awesome time at the park with his cousin close to his age! Another cousin also dropped by with food, flowers, and we had a great chat. A chat that I didn't think I can do but wanted to do for so damn long at the same time! I still felt like I haven't seen any human beings since I've on-boarded onto this journey! Only this weekend that I've gotten closer to my son! I had him on my lap and we did some hand painting. It is unfortunate that in a few more days that I will need to distant myself from my baby again and get ready for the treatment. It will be another 2 weeks probably before I can get this close to my little one. Just need to do what I need to stay healthy and strong. Not a time to catch anything and bring my immune system down more than what the treatment is suppose to do. I'm also very happy that I started my next piece of artwork.... Gonna try to see if I can finish it in the next 2 days. For now, here's the small piece of art that Jake and I did today. Jacob is growing up fast! Just realized that from seeing how big his hand is!!! Or maybe I lost weight, and my own hand got smaller? Whatever it is, I'm very proud of this small creative artwork that I did with my son! :) Happy end of a long weekend!
Anything that is normal to anyone, it is not for me. I haven't been out and in the past few months, yeah.. I have been going through quite a lot. Just the other day, when the sun finally went down, I finally had a bit of courage to go outside for a quick 1 minute walk. I was very nervous but my aunt who stayed with me said I'll go with you. Don't worry. I had my hat on, my jacket on covering my neck, etc.. At first, I had a feeling of success like "wow! I did it!! I'm outside" but shortly after, I told my aunt, I'm ready to go back in.... Even trying to eat, I feel like a baby. Like as if I just got introduced to solids. Everything is watered down, got not flavour and I need to take a small spoon at a time. My stomach hasn't had any solids for over 4 weeks. I can't shock my body and neither can I rush anything down my throat when all the mucus walls are ripped apart. Every day, I ask myself, what am I ready to try today? How much can I push myself? Even when I am not up for it but I know my throat is feeling better than the day before, I must try to eat something small to get all the muscles start working again. Through this cancer war experience, I realized that the fight is not so much about the cancer. It is about fighting all the side effects, and a total mind/body game. The treatments take care of the cancer but the rest, it is all about me and how I will manage it. Here's an equation that I came up with on how and what it takes to achieve the highest success rate to fight the cancer:
100% (Cancer is Dead) = 25% (Treatments/Doctors) + 25% (Help/Prayers) + 50% (SELF)
50% is SELF!!!! You can get all the top drugs, help and prayers but if I don't put in 100% of my own effort to make sure I hit my own 50% of the equation, I reduce my chance for success. There's nothing worst than to give up. What does give up looks like? When you are in so much pain, you know you have to eat but you don't do it. When you are suppose to sleep, but you run around and do stuff vs. asking for help. So, letting go everything that you used to do is a MUST, if you can. When doctor and nurse tell you how to manage all the side effects, you don't follow and comply, then you are not trying to achieve the 50% of the success equation. When you are stressed, sad, etc.. and cannot find a way to think positive, this is giving up. Everyone can try to help, tell you all sorts of thing, sending you all the positive and encouraging words etc.. but it doesn't work if you don't find a way to help yourself. You can go to all the treatments, but it is not enough. Everything is easier said than done. I had multiple occasions where I'm about to breakdown but thanks to all the prayers and all the people (family & friends) care, I managed to sustain to this date. Every time I was about to have a melt down, somehow I get a positive message in my inbox to remind me to stay strong. Right away, I tell myself that these people took the time to send these message to me, I need to find a way to fight this pain I'm dealing with. In everything I have done so far in life, I have always tried to contribute 150% of my effort. So, this won't be an exception either!
My doctors and nurses are really good. They tell me all sorts of tricks and tips on how to manage my all the different side effects. However, following their advice takes a lot of effort, dedication, and often they tell me that a lot of their patients who are not compliant, they pay the price for it.
Here's what my approx. routine looks like on a daily basis:
- 11pm/12am - Sleep
- 3:30am/5:30am - Wake-up, rinse mouth with baking soda, pump 1 bottle of ensure, pump 1 cup of water, take pain meds, apply cream on wounds, nasal rinse
- 6:30/7:30am - go back to sleep
- 10/11am - Wake-up, rinse mouth w/ baking soda, 1st round of eye drops to prevent dry eyes, saline soak entire neck for 5 min, apply cream on wounds and face, pump 1-2 bottle of ensure, pump 1-2 cups of water, do the mucositis mouthwash, take pain meds, walk around the house to exercise (all this will take 2-3 hours), nasal rinse
- 1/2pm - pump 3rd bottle of ensure if didn't do it in the morning, take pain meds, do saline sock, apply cream on wounds, rinse mouth w/ baking soda (literally every 30 min anytime I'm awake), 2nd round of eye drops to prevent dry eyes, nasal rinse
- 3pm - go for a nap
- 5pm/6pm - wake-up, rinse mouth w/ baking soda, do the mucositis mouthwash, pump chinese herbal meds, pump 1-2 cups of water, do last round of saline soak around neck, apply cream on wounds, walk around the house to exercise, nasal rinse
- 8pm - pump last bottle of ensure if ready otherwise wait until 9pm or 10pm, apply cream on wounds, brush teeth and do the 5 min. fluoride trays, eye drops in eyes, walk around to exercise the body, nasal rinse
- 10pm/11pm - rinse mouth with baking soda, take pain meds, apply cream on wounds and get ready for bed, meditate for 5-10 min, nasal rinse
The last thought on my mind this past week or month but not the least.... is my Charlotte. She came into my mind more often this month because it was suppose to be a happy and special month for all of us. If we didn't lose her back in January, my due date with her is May 20/21st. Or perhaps, last week or the week prior. I asked my husband how he is feeling, he also told me that this came thru his mind several times this month as well. It is not as simple as saying that we feel like we've moved on. It will always be in the back of our minds. We see things that reminds us of her. So far, I think I've moved on a lot faster than I thought I would be by now. Maybe because I'm being distracted with this cancer fight. But I know I've let things go. I know I am not depressed about it because I believe that my daughter has saved my life and she is the most courage/strong baby I've ever known. I see other pregnant people around me and I don't feel sad. In fact, I get so happy and excited for them. Also, when I see people having newborns, I also feel so happy that a new life came on this earth! I just can't wait to get back to normal and have my life back in order and hopefully, a few years down the road, god will bless us with another baby, a sibling for Jake :)
This past weekend was a great one! My cousin came over for a short period of time with their little one and Jacob had an awesome time at the park with his cousin close to his age! Another cousin also dropped by with food, flowers, and we had a great chat. A chat that I didn't think I can do but wanted to do for so damn long at the same time! I still felt like I haven't seen any human beings since I've on-boarded onto this journey! Only this weekend that I've gotten closer to my son! I had him on my lap and we did some hand painting. It is unfortunate that in a few more days that I will need to distant myself from my baby again and get ready for the treatment. It will be another 2 weeks probably before I can get this close to my little one. Just need to do what I need to stay healthy and strong. Not a time to catch anything and bring my immune system down more than what the treatment is suppose to do. I'm also very happy that I started my next piece of artwork.... Gonna try to see if I can finish it in the next 2 days. For now, here's the small piece of art that Jake and I did today. Jacob is growing up fast! Just realized that from seeing how big his hand is!!! Or maybe I lost weight, and my own hand got smaller? Whatever it is, I'm very proud of this small creative artwork that I did with my son! :) Happy end of a long weekend!
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