Gratitude

No radiation treatment week 1 is finally over!  It was seriously a tough one! Only yesterday and today, the level of pain has diminished back to how I felt during the last week of radiation treatment.  Last week was so not easy because I wasn't able to eat and sleep.  I couldn't help but feeling nauseated and wanted to vomit.  I keep reminding myself what my boss told me.... to breath slowly and not think about it.  It worked at times but sometimes, my body just act so fast that the stomach acid just comes out before I can tell my brain to breath.  I tried hard to find ways to distract the pain in my throat but it only last for a few seconds.  It was good to see nice sunny weather last week but it was also not good for me because I had to quarantine myself inside the house wherever there is no sun rays coming in.  Not to mention, I had to super quarantine myself from my son 2 days ago since he ended up with a high fever and got booted out of daycare.  Good thing my parents are still around, they took shifts throughout the day and over the night to watch him as he sleep restlessly so that both Phil and I can get some good rest.  Nothing hurts me more than seeing my son sick, crying from a distant, reaching out his arms, calling for 'mommy' and asking me to go hug him.  And of course, I cannot and had to walk away and stay away from him.  Not the time to catch anything on top of what I'm trying to deal with.

GRATITUDE.  Yes, so many that I might even miss calling out everyone.  Last week was certainly a tough one but I had many people sending me messages to help me through.  My director reached and sent me her words of encouragement.  My Edmonton friend who is traveling in Asia sent me a text message from HK to see how I am doing after she read my last blog.  My best friend and her sister constantly checking up on me and remind me of the battle that I can't give up to.  My wedding planner, my mommy friends, ex-P&G colleagues, Phil's Aunts, etc... all sent me their positive energy.  My best friend from birth is supporting 'le Relais pour la vie Montréal-Centre' and has bought a candle of light to support the battle that I am fighting.  My cousins are like sisters and brothers.  Even my cousin's spouses reaches out to me and ask about my well being frequently.  So blessed and I do feel the love.  All my aunts and uncles, especially on my mother side, have been non-stop calling, dropping off stuff, and sending their thoughts and prayers to me.  They really treat me like their daughter and show me their love for me unconditionally.  I am so moved from all of this.  Daily now.. I feel emotional and starting to shed a tear here and there. I think they are happy tears.  People who knows me well know that I have a soft heart. I don't just shed a tear, I cry a Niagara Falls normally when I am happy or sad.  I know once I feel zero pain, the Niagara Falls will come and create probably create the 5 big lakes.  However, by then, hopefully, I am not crying alone and rather a whole gang of people will do that with me :).  And last but not the least, biggest gratitude to my parents who work so hard and endlessly helping me, the family etc.. the past 2 months.  My mom actually is on a temporary leave from work. As for my father has been non-stop juggling both working and taking me to my treatments.  He also travels back home every 2 weeks for a few days to settle business and would come back out again.  I know my parents are crazy workaholics and have super great energy level to help us the way they have.  They would get up any time my son wakes up in the middle of the night to calm him down as often as needed and then they are up and running around 8am to get things going. They don't go to bed until I do which is around midnight or 1am.  It has been like this for 2 months and I don't know what I would without them.  My parents are already around 60 and +. Not many people at this age can have this kind of energy and strength.  I am grateful, and thankful for God sending me strong parents to enable me to fight this battle at full blast!  I also need to thank God and everyone who has been praying for me daily to help me get through weekly challenges.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I am sad that I cannot celebrate it with my two lovely mothers.  I know my mom and in-law mom will understand.  For sure when I am well, we will all go out for a MEGA FEAST!  I told my husband not to buy me anything.  I don't normally ask for gifts... in fact, rarely.  But this year, I am asking for the gift for great health.  A gift that cannot be bought. I hope for great health as a mother's day gift so that I can live gazillion years of mother's day ahead.  I want to be able to see what Jacob makes me every year.  Yesterday, Jake came home with a small pot with soil and a nice big painted flower on a wooden popsicle stick inside.  He told me that is his Mother's day gift and it has a seed in it.  That just brighten my day! :)  He said that he needs to water and grow it.  I don't know what seed is in there but I guess we will find out with time.  To all my mommy friends/cousins and soon to be mothers, happy mother's day to all of you.  To all my aunts, who cares for me like a daughter, happy mother's day to you too! 

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friend put this together for me as I do look at it frequently trying to remind myself that I cannot give up. 

 

Finally Radiation Treatment is Over But.....

Radiation treatments are over but I am living with crazy side effects. The past 2-3 days, I dropped my calorie intake by half because I cannot hold anything in my stomach.  My neck is at its all time high with 4 open wounds that burns with intense pain.  My throat, the entire lining is deteriorating and causing this crazy soar throat that I have ever had in my life!!!  My saliva glands are super busted... I constantly gag on the foamy saliva that is building up.  My nose is inflamed, because all the mucus lining inside is also breaking apart.  This experience is not easier than what I already faced with in the past few weeks.  All this time, I feel like someone is punching me in the face and I cannot react.  I must hold the pain in, let my emotions remain stable and try to put on a happy face.   When will I see the light..... when......  ????  I only got 4 weeks before my next chemo... I really want to recover as much as possible. I cannot help but to feel emotional.  I cannot help but to constantly think of my baby Charlotte that I've lost.  I cannot help but to shed a few tears in front of the folks who have been treating me, thanking them for their support, and sincere patience.  I feel like crap the fact that I am in this painful condition, cannot play or hang out with my Jake or my husband.  I know I've reached the top of the mountain but there is still a long path to walk towards the cliff before I can jump off and feel free.  This path is rough, I cannot run and must pace myself...... this journey is so long....  :(

Week 6 Highlights & Why Money is Like Oxygen

 Week 6 Highlights

Glad to see week 6 over but also sad that it is treatment day tomorrow again.  Week 6 has been challenging in many ways. I haven't been able to sleep through the night.  I constantly wake up every 2-3 hour from the need to spit out the thick saliva that build up in the back of my throat.  In addition, my entire upper torso finally starts to shed off those dead skin from the allergic reaction that I had a few weeks ago.  My throat is extremely soar to the point that I am only able to sip a little water and take the codeine pain killer meds. I have to use my GI tube to pump 4 bottles of ensure a day.  This is not the worst.... the worst is my entire skin around my throat, some parts of it actually cracked open.  Not only it's painful but it burns like crazy because the first layer of the skin is gone.  To help sooth it a little, I need to do saline soak 2-3x a day, apply this antibiotic cream 2x a day, and in between, I need to apply a THICK.... I mean a real THICK layer of this proshield ointment over it.  So thick that I need to use this pad to cover it so that it doesn't stick to my pillow.  Imagine yourself applying a thick coat of honey and peanut butter all over your neck all day long and before you go to bed..  that's how the ointment feels like.  Yukky, gluey, sticky,....  Ugh.....  Trying to think positive or make everything seems not so bad wasn't easy.  But I tried and this is how I've been training my mental brain:

• Waking up every few hours - Good for my body to get some light exercise and blood circulating
• Torso shedding - oh well, treat it like microdermabrasion and I'll get NEW beautiful skin revealed!
• Using GI Tube - Feeding my body and building good and strong cells!
• Soar Throat - If I'm feeling this much pain... Woohoo...  Die you C- Cells!  That fire must be burning those cancer cells like crazy!
• Burnt, cracked, peeling skin around the throat - Trying to picture myself getting burned from going to Florida, laying out there on the beach....  and using Proshield/Saline Soak is my daily spa treatment....

Not so bad after all right?  Crap.... it is pretty bad. Oh well, whatever it takes to get this cancer out of my body, I'll hang in.  No pain, no gain. Short term pain, long term gain...   I feel like a cavewoman.....  I can't wait to really go for a MEGA spa treatment when I am fully recovered.  I need of a total makeover!

Last week, I stayed over at my brother and sister-in-law place downtown.  It was nice to be away from home so that I focus on taking care of myself and no distractions.  But it was sad that I didn't get to see my parents, husband and my baby for a week.  I'm heading back downtown tonight to stay over at their place because this coming week is the last week of radiation treatment. Also, I have a chemo treatment this week and likely take a toll on my body.  Rest and less moving around is ideal. 
Finally, I can say that I'm halfway through this challenge.  After this week, I have 3 more chemo treatment within the next 3 months.

Why Money is Like Oxygen

Only through this experience that I realize that being ill cost a lot of money. Fortunately, I'm very lucky that money is not a concern. Not that I'm wealthy, but I had planned several financial and emergency backup for things like this.  But I realize that a lot of people who are fighting the cancer battle have serious financial constraints.  Let me explain the cost/expenses to date based on my 7 weeks of radiation and 1 chemo treatment for 3 months post radiation:


Medical/Drugs (Not covered by OHIP.  Covered by drug plan at both mine and hub's work)
    - Codeine Painkiller: $100
    - Morphine Painkiller: $100  (used it twice only!!)
    - Laxative stuff to help ease constipation: $100
    - 10 Anti-Nausea/Vomit Pills: $200/chemo treatment (Total of $200 X 6 = $1200)
    - Antifungal and numbing mouthwash 500ml: $50 per bottle (total of $50 x 5 = $250)
    - Antibiotic cream for the open wounds around the neck for 3 days: $20
    - Psychologist: $170/session
    - 1 Night Hospital Stay (Semi-private room): $250/night  (Total of $250 X 7 = $1,750)

Additional Expenses (out of pocket expenses)
Ensure (meal replacement): $12 for 6 bottles (Total $12 X 10 = $120)
Saline Soak: $6/ bottle (Total $6 x 10 = $60)
Syringes for GI tube: $2 each (Total $80)
Proshield Ointment: $15 (Total $15 x 10 = $150)
Baking Soda to prevent mouth sores: $10
Refresh Eye drops: $50
2 nights of hotel: $250/night (Total $500)
Part-time Nanny to help the household: $700/month
Parking and Gas Cost by end of the treatment: ~ $2000
Chinese Meds Soup: Average ~$ 250/week (Total of $250 X 20 = $5000)

I may have missed a few items but gosh...  imagine if you don't work for a company that covers 100% of your drug/medical expenses, for my treatment you will be spending over $3,000.  As for the additional expenses, they are a must have to help cope with a lot of side effects, and the cost is not exaggerated, over $8000.  Combined, you're looking at over $10K and the majority is spent during the first 7 weeks of my radiation treatment.  This is ABOVE AND BEYOND my monthly household expenses.  For many patients who have other types of cancer,  it takes over a year to treat.  What kind of expenses do you think that person will incur?  OMG, I can't even imagine the cost of that bill.  My sister-in-law has a friend who had cancer 2 years ago and manage to beat it!  Woohoo! But oh my....  she told me that she didn't have drug benefit plan at the time and OHIP didn't cover her chemo drugs so everytime, she had to do chemo, the cost was $500.

Something else to consider is that this is not all the expenses. What about the person who needs to take care of you and bring you to these treatments?  Can that person keep their job while taking the ill person? If not, there goes another challenge, not only the person who is ill will cost a lot of money to be treated but the person who can take this person to their daily treatment might end up losing their job.  If the person who is ill doesn't have any kind of income coming in as well and loses their job because they can't work, OMG that cancer battle is beyond a battle.  I truly believe that many people out there ends up borrowing money from banks, from family, or even sell their own homes, etc.. in order to get themselves treated.  I extremely sad for people with no source of income to help them go through this battle. Especially if they need to borrow money, how much is enough? It all depends on the length of the treatment. So imagine these people who are borrowing money, when they are recovered, they walk out of the hospital the need to find a job and/or with debts they need to pay off...  So sad.... so sad.....

I hope all my loved ones (family, friends, colleagues etc..) don't go through what I am going through. I wish all the people I know GREAT health but no one can predict the future.  I'm not trying to solicit anything but from my experiences, I want to make sure I do share my thoughts to make sure people hear what I have to say.  Hopefully, no one ends up ill with financial constraints to be treated.  Many people that I know assumes OHIP/government covers everything.  Well, it is wrong to think that way because they don't cover everything. It is not a matter of age, there are a lot of stuff they don't cover even if you're very old.  My two cents for everyone (especially those with kids) to consider before spending money on any materialistic items :p :

1. Always have a good amount of emergency back funds available at all times regardless how well you are covered at work, insurance you purchased at work, etc...
2. Consider critical illness insurances now vs. later.  You pay less premium when you're young and if there is a critical illness that runs in the family, you should definitely consider it!  Buy the insured amount that matches your income at the minimum. Also, buy a higher insured amount especially if your work drug plan doesn't have a high coverage for medical/drug expenses or your spouse doesn't get any health benefits coverage.
3. Review your work medical drug plan coverage.  Increase your disability (short/long term) amounts even if you have critical illness insurance because this money will take care a portion of your household expenses.

Making sure you have the above is taking care of yourself when you are ill as well as your love ones.  Being ill, like diagnosed with cancer, is already a bad news for EVERYONE.  If money is an issue, it is an extra concern and stress for everyone.  Even if you know some wealthy family/friend, they may not be able to help you immediately because maybe they don't have the funds readily available to help.  Also, do you really want to borrow money from anyone? I've always had a passion for financial planning.  Happy to discuss and share more thoughts on this with anyone who is interested to talk about it when I am fully recovered.  So, no money is like no oxygen.  Money certainly helped me have less worry during this journey and in many cases, helped me better cope with all the CRAZY side effects from being treated.  Thank you god for your blessings and people who are continuously praying for me to have more blessings :)

Quote that I passionate live with:
“You can be young without money, but you can't be old without it.”
― Tennessee Williams

Side Effects Explosion!

Yes, if you were wondering why I haven't blogged, week 4 certainly took a toll on me!  I am finally feeling a bit better and decided to blog.  Last Monday was when the downhill started, I woke up with a MEGA soar throat and after the radiation treatment, I was falling apart. I still managed to eat food via the mouth but it took me 3-4 hrs to do it.  Comes Tuesday last week, I asked for some pain killer.  Doctor prescribed me morphine in the hope to control my pain.  The side effect of taking the morphine is that it would cause constipation so they also prescribed me these stool softening drugs. Trying to eat on Tuesday was sure a painful exercise.  Morphine doesn't kick in right away so anything I put in my mouth including water would burn my entire throat.  It would burn so much that I was shivering and clenching my teeth for minutes because it was so painful.  On Tuesday, I received a sweet gift at my door. My boss at work baked me these lovely whipped buttercookies that I was craving for and she shipped it to me.  Although I couldnt't eat, just looking at the tint, and the card she sent me reminded me to hang in and chin up.  I cannot wait to melt one of those cookies in my mouth when the treatments are all over!  The side effects didn't stop coming.  On Wednesday, I decided to take the stool softening drug because I was told take it as soon as I take the morphine.  But in a few hours, my entire upper torso rashed up and itched the hell out of me!  Keep in mind, my throat is still hurting, I'm tired, lack of appetite and the nauseated feeling is coming in stronger.  I had to stop all painkiller drugs which made me suffer more.  I know I have to eat but I couldn't with so much pain.  I decided to use the GI Tube and pump 3-4 bottles of Ensure because my body needs nutrition to stay strong. Thursday is when I received my 2nd treatment of chemo.  What made the experience worst is the nurse who wasn't able to locate my vein! OMG! Don't they insert IV all day long?!   She poked me 3x times before finding the vein!  My left arm has more than 6 needle poking scars, and my right arm is rashed up from being allergic to the painkilling or stool softening drugs.  OMG!  By Thursday, I had a rush of anger or vengeance.....  I couldn't help but to feel like "WHAT THE HELL".  I told myself that this freakin' experience has caused so much sadness and made all my love ones miserable, I cannot let this cancer win.  It was hard to eat with the nauseated feeling and not wanting to eat but I forced myself to do it anyway.  Also, I managed to take some food via the mouth in addition to using the GI tube.  I keep telling myself that I must stay strong.  Last week, I missed 5 big events:  4 birthdays and 1 anniversay.  It was my parents 33 years wedding anniversary.  I feel so sad that this is how they are celebrating  their anniversary this year. I mean... normally they don't even celebrate it but I just can't help but to feel sad for them.  Anyway....this experience was not a choice that I chose.  However, I chose to fight and stay strong. Therefore, I cannot give up.  It takes so much courage to hang in there and I have to say that I almost lost it last week.

My parents ended up catching a cold so since last Friday, I've been hibernating at my uncle/aunt house downtown.  They are so kind and been bringing me to treatment and taking care of me like their daughter.  I cannot go home because my immune is weak and do not want to take any chance. I banned my parents from seeing me until they are at least 2 days clear from their cold.  Looks like I can finally be able to go home this Friday.

Week 5 is coming to an end soon.  2 more weeks of radiation treatments and 4 more dose of chemo ahead.  It seems like it's going to go by fast but unfortunately in my world right now, time seems like years.  Once the treatment is over, I've been told that all side effects will remain for a while and I will need a lot of time to rest and recover.  I always know that people who are fighting cancer is real tough experience but I really had not idea how difficult and challenging it is until now.  Words cannot express the daily challenge that I face and the feelings that run through my mind.  There's nothing worst than to not feel well, nauseated, super soar throat and trying to force myself to eat.  I cannot wait to capture the light at the end of this tunnel.

TGIF - Week 3 Finally Over!

TGIF! Week 3 somewhat flew by quickly but those radiation side effects are hitting me much harder!  Face is looking more pink, slight tenderness on my neck, losing HAIR like crazy at the back of my head just above my neck, mouth is super dry, and getting a slight soar throat on the right side.  I've been applying my SK-II Essence, La Mer Creme, Aloe Vera Gel and Proshield on my face and neck like crazy (3-4x a day)! Hopefully, my skin doesn't peel and rip apart!  Drinking lots of water and soup trying to keep my mouth and throat moist at all times. Also, I got a humidifier running at night to help with the dryness.  To reduce and possibly prevent sores in my mouth, I rinse with baking soda water every hour and every time after I eat.  To keep my teeth nice and strong, every night I must put on these fluoride trays.  As for the losing hair part, at first I thought I was going to go bald and was ready to donate my beautiful locks before I start treatment.  However, the nurse told me that I won't be losing all my hair.  She said that I will lose only at the back, the section closest to my neck.  I can barely talk and chose not to talk or see anyone.  Trying to preserve as much as energy as possible so that my body can focus on healing damaged areas and killing the c-cells!   2 good news are that I feel really proud of after my treatment today: 1 - I'm still trying to eat via the mouth vs. using the GI tube, 2 - My weight remained stable!!!  Hopefully, I can keep up with the eating and maintaining my weight.  I've already lost 3-4 Lbs last week due to the GI surgery... so not good if I lose more weight.  Next week is a super busy week!  Not only I have my daily radiation treatments, I will be going for my 2nd dose of chemo, checking in with the dentist and eye doctors.

Every day and night, I pray to God asking him to give me more strengths to fight this battle.  I ask him to recreate me so that all inflammation and infections are flushed out of my system. I ask for his help to rebuild any damaged areas with strong and healthy cells.  I ask for his help to keep every one who is trying to help me healthy and strong.  I thank him for surrounding me so many people, and I really mean MANY people.. easily over 300 of people who are either praying or helping me to get well.  These people are family members, medical professionals, acquaintances, and strangers.  I can't imagine fighting this battle without any of these folks - unfortunately, at the hospital, I see a lot of people who are in a much worst situation than myself and many only have a handful of people who are praying and helping them.  The lady that I rent a parking spot from close to my workplace in North York, called me twice in the past 7 weeks.  She called to see how I was doing and that she wanted me to know that she is praying for me.  I am so surprised that for someone that I barely interact with would go all the way out to call me and wish me well.  This past week, she left me a message on my voicemail box, saying that she cannot wait to see me well with that beautiful smile that I always had on my face.  This is one of many surprises that I have been receiving.  I am grateful and feel very fortunate.  I keep telling myself that I must try to stay positive at all times.  I don't know how to thank every single individual who wish me well but to also pray for each one of you who are helping and/or praying for me.  I add to my prayers every day asking God to not let anyone that I know (i.e. family, friends, colleagues, etc..) and care about me to go through what I have.  I asked that he gives every one a 2nd chance to reflect life and make some lifestyle changes.  I pray to God to give the same power that he is giving me to everyone a healthy and long life.  Words cannot express my gratitude and appreciation for every small and big things that everyone are doing for me - Many thank yous to all of you!

A card that I received from my cousin constantly helps and remind me what I got to fight this battle. The message on the card says:  "Recovery is a process.  It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you've got...  and you've got a lot - a kind heart, an amazing spirit, and people who really care about you."  Also, a very thoughtful mama friend of mine is leaving for her Mexico trip sent away her motivational quote to help me get thru next week.."Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." - Helen Keller.  May week 4 be like the past few weeks, smooth sailing and fly by even faster!

My next blog topic - Money is not everything but no money is like no oxygen.

Thoughts before starting week 3

It has been a quiet and somewhat relaxing long weekend by staying at home.  So glad that I have 3 days of break before the start of another week of treatments.  All I have been doing is trying to eat, sleep, walk around the house, and stay calm.  I can't help but to think if I was normal, these 5 things are the easiest thing to do.  But because I am not well, these activities are so hard and consumes so much of my energy. Trying to eat has been by far my biggest daily challenge next to sleeping.  I have to find ways to get myself eating more food such as telling my own brain that I am hungry, my body needs food to replenish and build strong cells, and there are lot of people out there who don't have food would love to be in my spot etc...  I wonder all the time when will I finally recover and start to taste the food the way it is supposed to be.  The doctor said that it may take a few months to a year after all my treatments are completed before I get my taste buds back.  He also warned me that some people will lose it permanently.  Whatever it will be, hopefully this is temporarily! Given that I'm trying to eat more now, hopefully, my body stays strong and will recover quickly. ^_^

I'm grateful to have a strong husband.  Although I make fun of him that he can't tolerate physical pain well, however, he can certainly tolerate high levels of emotional pain.  I used to take care of everything at home, from cleaning to cooking, feed/bath the little one to managing all household finances, bills, files etc...  a portion of it got dumped on my hub's shoulders in the past 2 weeks.  It has been a rough ride for him as it has for me.  It also doesn't help when our little  Jacob throws out all those toddler's tantrums that we hear about.  My husband ended up sick for the past few days.  I also know that it has been real hard for him to watch me suffer and there's nothing he can do. It also hurts me that I can't do any of the stuff I used to - for now.  Hopefully, short term pain really means long term gain for all of us :)

Not sure how much of my recent experiences have impacted everyone around me but it sure does impact me greatly! I keep thinking, I was a healthy person wasn't I? I never smoke or do any drugs, drink mostly water for the majority of my entire life (with some occasional alcohol :p), I don't drink coffee, tea seldomly, cook and eat at home 75% of the time, no raw sushi or anything that is raw like oysters....  I do have my junk food days (ie. pizza, mcdonald, chips etc..) but again, I think I try my best to have a healthy diet as much as possible already.   Also, I don't have any family history of critical illness (i.e. heart attack, cancer, etc...).  I pro-actively check in with my family doctor and dentist on a regular basis for all my life.  All my pots and pans are stainless steels except for 1 small non-stick fryer.  I use glass Tupperware vs. plastics majority of the time.  We barely use microwave. When it comes to canned food, I have less than 15 year round.  For many years, we don't even buy instant noodles and eat it so rarely!  For most people who knows me, would probably agree that I have a crazy active life and likes a clean (dust & clutter free) home!  So WTH?!  Who would have guessed that I would end up with this? At one point, I thought once my treatment is over, I'm gonna drop everything that I believed in and stop doing what I did.  Maybe all I did is too much.... Maybe I do need some bacteria around, and eat more of the unhealthy stuff.  Just a thought!  However, I'm not going to do this.  If anything, I need to be EVEN more careful what I put in my mouth and take everything that I did even more seriously!!!   If I want to live a long life with my husband, achieve the goals we have in mind, watch our kids grow older and be there when we get grandchildren, take care my parents and in-laws, and enjoy more of everything....... more changes needs to happen.  It starts with diet and exercise.  Although I have always been active, the past 2-3 years, I dropped the word 'workout' out of the picture.  I do mow the lawn, shovel snow, and clean the house.. but I guess this is not enough! Anything can be bought with money but not life.  So, what more would I do differently? Beef is my favorite!!  I love those Beef jerky and anything that has to do be with Beef. But since the day I found out about my health, I prayed and told god that if he can give help me recover and give me a healthy long life, I will cut beef out of my diet completely.  I have always made sure I have carbs, 1 meat dish and 1 veggie dish on the table.  Now, the entree should be vegetables vs. meat.  Meat should act as a side.  I think I'll move my diet more to fish and seafood vs. chicken and pork.  Also, gonna make sure my fridge is filled with delicious and assorted fruits at all times! 

Last but not the least, I think it all starts with the right mind set.  If I feel good, my body will feel good. If I am positive, my body will make more good cells to fight what is bad vs. exhausting my happy cells to make me feel happy.  If I can try to stay calm and remind myself to breath when I feel pain or faced with a tough situation, my body will be able to answer the situation right away.  All easy said than done but I managed to do it last week! I must remind myself to not let my emotions take over as we move into week 3 of the treatment plan.  I know I'm still climbing this tall mountain, I haven't reached the top yet.  I cannot wait to get there and jump freely! My mind is already set on pulling a life celebration party at my home this summer when this is all over, inviting everyone that I know!  That's my target and I will get there. :)


I didn't know my blog was inspiring, motivating, and helping people who knows me and strangers to reflect on their own life.  My blogging intention off from the gecko is to have a place for me to spill my emotions, thoughts, and progress.  Somewhere for me to keep everyone who cares about me up to date on how I feel and what is happening.  Since I am not allowing visitors, and not talking these days until my treatment is over, I thought instead of me repeating a gazillion time every single update, a blog is probably a good thing to do.  I'm glad that I am helping people while I'm not well.  People always fascinate me and perhaps answer the reason why I chose business development as a career - an opportunity to be extravert and meet more people.  I would love to hear more from everyone how my experience has changed or not changed their lives. 

I am looking forward to Friday already! Although tomorrow is only Monday, this doesn't mean that I can't have the 'Friday' feeling every day.... so, I'm gonna try to keep those happy "Friday" day feeling over the next 5 days - blast off C cells!!


My past week favorite quotes from friends....

"Sometimes life does throw you lemons.... but it's up to us to turn them into lemonades"

I'll always remember my boss's favorite saying.... "This sucks.  It's bad but we'll get through this.... Chin up"

"You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life. "
 
  
 

Week 2 - Overcoming another hurdle

 Finally came back home after spending 4 days downtown.  A glance at my crazy week:

Monday: Radiation treatment and no food by midnight. Stayed at a hotel.
Tuesday: No Food, no water, and GI Tube Surgery. Stayed at PMH overnight.
Wednesday: Finally, 1st sip of water around 11am, and food at 1pm.  2 Radiation treatments and stayed at a hotel.
Thursday: Radiation treatment, see Specialist for weekly check-up, and see Chinese herbalist for follow-up and finally home at 7pm.

How do I feel?  So glad that this week is over! OMG! I definitely lost my appetite to eat this week and it's not good. I have almost no more saliva which makes chewing food very difficult. Everything has a metallic/bitter taste, and my stomach still hurts from the GI tube insertion.  It takes well over an hour for me to eat, if I can, half of bowl of something.  Forcing myself to eat kills so much of my energy... no choice....must be done in order to regenerate new cells and keep my immune strong.

How was the GI surgery and process? It was pretty brutal but better than I expected.  My strategy pre-surgery for the entire Tuesday was to stay in bed until after my surgery. I barely talk because my mouth was also dry.  I gave my cellphone to my dad because I don't want to do anything to burn any calories since I didn't eat.  I had to do my best to preserve my energy for the surgery and recovery so I only left my bed if I need to. Around 2pm, I was sent to TGH for the surgery but I had to wait 2hrs before they really took me in for it!  When they took me inside the procedure room, they didn't knock me out completely.  Also, I had to help them get this tube in from my mouth down to the stomach... they numb my throat a bit but I still felt everything.  The doc told me that I may vomit during this process and it's normal.  I told myself to relax as much as I can and cooperate because I don't want to vomit. I got nothing to vomit and it'll only make things worst.  I actually almost gag but didn't and managed to stay strong somehow. Maybe the moment I was about to gag, I heard the doc said 'good the tube is in now' helped me stay relaxed and focus.  Once the tube was in, I remember the drugs kicking in.  I was feeling in and out of it.  I remember feeling some crazy pressure and then pain when they punctured through my stomach.  When the procedure was done, I was transported back to PMH and I slept for 2-3 hrs.  Finally around 8pm, I woke up and I vomited. OMG!!! IT WAS SO PAINFUL!!!  The nurse said that it was normal that my stomach acid came out.  When I was ready, I had my dad and nurse help me get up sitting on the bed.  I wanted to get up and walk around to help the recovery process.  It sounds brutal to get up and walk after the surgery but in fact, I had to, I wanted to and the Doc told me to.  Because I was in bed for almost 24 hrs, I need to get my circulation going and release any air that was pumped into my stomach during the procedure.  I don't want my other organs to stop working.  If I don't walk, the recovery would take even longer.  When I finally managed to get myself up sitting on the bed, I remembered turning pale and felt blood gushing down.  Before you know, I vomit for the 2nd time.  OMG!! I tried to stay calm and focus on my breathing to relax and help soon the terrible pain. I remember leaning on the nurse shoulder for maybe 5 min. before opening my eyes and try again to slowly push myself to standing position.  What a process and before you know, I was walking very slowly, went to the washroom, and did maybe 5 trips down the hallway.  By around 11pm, the nurse gave me anti-nausea meds via IV and it totally knocked me out until 5am.

The next day I felt better but still in pain. I had 1 cough and it killed me!  I was sooooo hungry and thirsty.  Finally after my first round of radiation treatment in the morning, they let me sipping away water and suck on ice chips.  Too bad losing weight is not an option here otherwise, I think I can go become a model again on the runway!  I had to wait until 12pm to eat to give enough time for my stomach to recover.  I called my dad and told him to bring me a Macchicken only, I need to try to eat it... I needed to pound up some calories for not eating for a whole day.  The hospital brought me lunch but it was OMG nasty...  literally a slice of wheat bread with a slice of cheddar cheese.  I ate half of it anyway. My body needs nutrients to help me recover.  Once the 2nd radiation treatment was over, left the hospital, checked in at the hilton hotel with my dad, did a round of walking, ate the dinner that my aunt made me, and tried to sleep.  I couldn't sleep and before you know, my stomach CRAMPED UP! I was in so much pain and could barely breath properly.  It lasted for like 5 min. but sure felt like it was forever.  It was so freakin' painful...!  But when the cramp was over, I realized that I didn't even shed a single tear.  I don't know if it is a good thing or what but I guess my threshold for pain is pretty high.  My husband asked me how is it compared to the Csection and the natural delivery that I had, I would probably rank the pain up there with the c-section but a bit less.  I also said, if it was my husband, I don't think he will be able to handle this kind of pain. I once brought him for a facial, he teared up when the facialist was just trying to extract blackhead.  My hub didn't disagree with me.  He said that he don't know how many people can handle pain like I can.  Not sure if he's complimenting me, or encouraging me.. whatever it is, I'll take it!

This week has been rough and tested me in every way! But I made it - with all of your help. Many of you sent me messages, prayed, and kept me going. Every time I am down a little, somehow I get a positive message that reminds me that I must fight.  Thank you very much!!  I keep telling myself every time I experiencing pain that I can't give up.  2 weeks finished and I worked too hard already.  I must continue to work harder to earn my life back.  I must also thank god for giving me strong parents to stand by my side and not spoiling me when I was young.  Looking back, they didn't give me everything that I wanted when I was young.  I cared when I was young but honestly, as I got older, I got over it.  I didn't get my first barbie doll until I was like 12!  The good thing out of this that started from a young age it taught me to learn to earn everything that I want.  Life is not easy.  If it is too easy, when there are dilemmas most people who had it too easy don't know how to handle it.  If my parents gave me everything and an easy life, I am certain that I would not be able to fight this battle the way I have. I struggle sometimes trying to figure out how to teach my own child how to earn what he wants. I hope my perseverance, strong will to battle, and current life experience will be a meaningful one for him to be a good and useful human being one day.

"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential; These are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence." - Confucius