Year coming to an end....

Finally, got wifi and now able to blog. As I am blogging from Cancun I am also thinking about people back home in the greater Toronto area. Very sad and worried for everyone who were affected and still affected by the disastrous freezing rain storm. Many of my family members and friends are still living without electricity and heat. I am praying for everyone and hope everything gets back to normal quickly.

Looking at this past year that we had, what a year is all I can say! I can't believe I am finally here with my family on our getaway trip. I can't believe I am finally in the stage trying to recover whereas 3-4 months ago, I can't even picture what this would look like.  Now that I am finally trying to recover, slowly but surely, I didn't know it can be this hard. I realized that not only I need to recover from a mental and physical perspective but also my relationship with my family, my husband, and just plain old myself.  This entire year, we had zero time to ourselves or even spending quality time with each other.  This recovery is not what I have imagined back when everything started.  A lot has happened, and a lot of thoughts been beating my mind.  I realized I will need a lot of time to clear up these thoughts and the entire family needs to recover from all of this.

I am glad that I am away with my family and my best friend's family celebrating Christmas. Finally, god has rewarded us a time to recover and re-enjoy each other's existence vs. battling more challenges.  I can't imagine if we were back home what that would be like fighting the cold and no power for X Days or hours after we have gone through a whole year of life and death challenges already. Thank you god for this and hopefully this vacation will help bring all of us closer, and less worries. A time to relax, recover, and reflect on what we should be focusing on in the coming years.

Last week, I received 3 tests results. My X-ray on my lower back shows clear and therefore the pain that I was having was likely do to something that I have done and didn't know I actually injured it.
Also, the colon cancer test as well as the test for any infections in my digestive tract were negative.
So, perhaps all that stomach pain are related to not being used to solid foods.  I haven't really had pain for a while now. Hopefully it stays this way.  I am very happy to share that I can finally eat more and drink a little less water with my meals. This also means that my saliva glands are slowly getting back to normal.  Still quite a long way to go but at least very seldom I need to wake up in the middle of the night to sip some water for hydration.  I am up and running errands as much as possible to distract myself from thinking too much.  So far, I am not going back to work for another while. Until I can fully eat meals and no need to drink massive amounts of water I can't go back.  My recovery ideas and plans starting Jan 2014 is to try to do some restorative yoga.  I certainly want to take my walking to speed walking once a day for a few min.  I want to continue my current chinese painting art class for another while and maybe even go back for some piano lessons or even consider Thai 
boxing.  My mind is all over the place and want to do so much. I plan on going back to see my 
psychiatrist to help me clear up or control some of the thoughts I have.  I also want to spend more
time with my husband and baby Jake. If time permits, I like to go on a few more trips with them 
before I go back to work. Pretty much I have 3 roles I want to focus on daily: self, being a mother and wife. Once these roles are satisfied then it will likely go down to being a good sister, family member 
and friends.

A final note, I wish everyone a very happy and Merry Christmas! Wherever you are, may the New Year brings you a lot of blessings and great health.  I remember how everyone supported me and said that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when I felt like I was battling in the dark.  A few weeks ago, I did a lot of self reflection and look back at the rough time I had. I want to let you know that in my heart and mind, I am very lucky because I wasn't in the dark at all.  Although I may not be able to see the path ahead of me but every thoughts and prayers received, and everyone who reached out to me was like this tiny Christmas light that light up my dark tunnel.  This so called dark tunnel I was
walking through, each person that supported me has created this warm light, and guided me to find
that light at the end of this.  Thank you for your love and care.  Have a happy new year!

One of my favorite old time karaoke songs and artist is "Hero" sang by Mariah Carey.  I just
heard it twice in the past two nights and was reminded how powerful are the lyrics. Although I can't sing like I used to since my throat hasn't entirely recovered.... Just listening to it brings back a lot of memories.  I hope you can listen to it too and it helps put a little fire in you.  Whether or not you are fighting or going through a difficult time in your life, don't forget, we have a lot of control on our own actions and behaviors despite the challenge you may be facing.  Hopefully you find this song  motivating, empowering or just enjoy it like I do.

► 4:24► 4:24

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IA3ZvCkRkQ

P.S. I plan to continue blogging in the New Year.

HERO sang by Mariah Carey 

There's a hero

If you look inside your heart

You don't have to be afraid

Of what you are

There's an answer

If you reach into your soul

And the sorrow that you know

Will melt away

[Chorus:]

And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

It's a long road

When you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold

You can find love

If you search within yourself

And the emptiness you felt

Will disappear

[Chorus]

Lord knows

Dreams are hard to follow

But don't let anyone

Tear them away

Hold on

There will be tomorrow

In time

You'll find the way

[Chorus]

Healthy Body, Healthy Life?

Over the past 9 months, I have done tons of research online on what food I should be consuming, what are the best food to help strengthen the immune and/or wore off cancer cells! My family, relatives, friends and colleagues have also been sending me health and cancer related articles for my review!  Thank you so much!  I definitely read up all of them!  Many doctors, nurses, and other cancer patients that I have met also shared with me their own health and diet tips.  Therefore, the following list of foods is what I collected and feel that it is important for all of us to try to consume more to build a healthier immune system!  At the end of the day, when you think about it, we work to get paid, to of course buy and enjoy life. But the primary reason is to be able to 'eat'.  To feed ourselves so that we can work another day, see our family and friends, and fulfill goals we've laid out in this life.   So, eating the right food is very important. How much or little of the good stuff you want to consume is all up to you!  For me, I have consumed many of the items below in the past but now, I make sure I have it on a more frequent and regular basis!  I highly recommend, anyone who reads my blog to look up each item on the internet to fully understand its health benefits since I am really giving you the cole's note version:

1. Hemp Seeds: Add 2 tablespoons to your favorite yogurt, salads, and/or cereal. Great source of Omega 3 & 6, excellent source of fiber and helps digestion (even better than flaxseed), and reduce cravings! Great for everyone including kids and those who have diabetes!
2. White/Green Tea/Chamomile Tea: Detox and reduce your cancer risk with Green Tea. It also helps to reduces bad breath by removing some bad bacteria in the mouth. Chamomile tea is caffeine free and great to drink it an hour before bedtime to help you sleep better, relax and de-stress the body. Not to mention, it helps to reduce stomach cramps and muscle spasms!  
3. A few slice of raw ginger & honey: great for soothing soar throat, reduce muscle spasm...
4. Honey & lemon: a great drink at any time!  Soothing, coating the throat when you have a soar throat or when it feels dry, a source of vitamin C, the lemon also helps breakdown small calcium build-up in the kidney that you may not aware of.
5. Pomegranate: Excellent to eat this year round but especially when it is in season during the fall. As the winter approaches and the air gets drier, pomegranate has shown to hydrate the skin! A great fruit full of vitamin C and fiber when you eat the seeds too!
6. Any Berries! It has shown to strengthen the immune and due to its natural deep colour, in some cases it has shown to fight some bad cancer cells in your body! Load them up when you have your breakfast or put it in your shake!
7. Green and colorful vegetables such as tomatoes, carrots, purple and orange sweet potato, kale, broccoli, etc...  all shown to be great immune strengthener to fighting cancer cells!
8. 70%+ Dark Chocolate/Cocao: great for the heart, reduce bad cholesterol in your body, has a lot of good minerals for your body, helps those with diabetes, and improve blood circulation because it breaks down the bad fat in the blood! It has a lot less junk in terms of ingredients vs. other chocolates (i.e. milk chocolates, white chocolate etc..)
9. Mushrooms: low calorie, great source of potassium, and contains selenium which is an antioxidant that works with vitamin E to protect cells from the damaging effects of free radicals.
10. Beans: rich source of cholesterol-lowering fiber and can protect from some types of cancer!
11. Maple syrup, honey, brown sugar, cane sugar vs. white sugar!! Artificial sweeteners and aspartame are the worst! Use this only if it is necessary based on your own health assessment with your doctor!
12. Fish, Pork, Chicken are less acidic than beef!
13. Himalayan salt and sea salt are better than regular salt!
14. Load up on HERBS! Literally any.... especially basil, cumin, mint, rosemary, cinnamon, 
15. Goji - load it up! I have heard lots of stories how great it worked for other people in terms of improving vision and those with optical issues! Rinse a small handful and fold it into your yogurt or cereal in the morning!  You can also try to steep it in a glass of hot water and just drink it like you would with tea.

Organics or Not?
In the past, I never really bought or consider organic foods. However, now I have considered and bought more organic produces.  If I can afford it, the item I want to buy is part of the dirty dozen (see list below) and the grocery I am shopping at has the item that I need and it looks fresh, I will buy it!  My husband and I both agree that when we go out to eat, we can't control the ingredients that the chef uses.  So, whenever we cook at home, we try to buy the best food and cook with minimal 'bad' ingredients.  I now buy organic milk more often vs. the regular version.  I do try to buy organic eggs, berries, carrots, butter, and follow the list below that are consider as the dirty dozen.

Current Overall Diet, Nutrition, and Health Approach 
In terms of what I cook and eat, it hasn't had a huge change vs. the past. Something that did change is that I do now look at the package food labels closely and carefully. If I can't understand more than 50% of the ingredients, I ask myself the question if I need to buy it, if it is an item that we just want to indulge a little, and if I can find an alternative that has less bad and unknown ingredients.  Never have I known that my favorite rice crispy, frosted flakes, honey combs cereals as examples have colour and a lot of ingredients that I don't even know what they are.  Do I still buy them? Of course but I try to eat it in moderation! I have explored other healthier cereals and included it in my pantry so that I help balance our entire family diet between the good and bad.  Many foods that we consume actually have colour, preservatives, artificial flavours, and scientific ingredients that I don't even know what it is for or what it is! Of course, I think going to extreme and overly concerned/serious with this ingredients label reading is not good. So, I try to find a balance whenever I can and once in a while, we do indulge a small amount what we would call 'junk food'.  At home, we try to cook healthy. We try to use less pre-made sauce, seasoning, salt and oil in preparing the food.  We make sure we include more recipes with the list of foods I called out at the beginning of my blog.  Pretty much more fruits, veggies, beans and less meat.  We know already we go out to eat 2-3 meals a week.  So for those meals, we try to enjoy it and be less concerned because we can't really control what and where the produce and ingredients came from.  This is how we try to balance our diet and nutrition.  How do you or not balance your current diet? How do you make sure you consume enough fruits and vegetables? Does this even matter to you?

Latest Health Condition
I have been eating more but my stomach and digestion cannot tolerate it.  I still have digestion pain once in a while, definitely a lot less vs. October but I still get it!  I also somehow injured my lower back. Not sure what happen but definitely went to see the doctor about it. I managed to get an Xray completed on my lower back and pelvis. I also did 4 days of stool testing to ensure I don't have an infection/cancer in my colon.  Hopefully, these tests come out clear and confirm my assumptions that the digestion pain is related with the fact that my body hasn't fully recovered yet.  The past two days, my throat felt a little weird as if I might be coming down with something. My husband had a small cold last week so don't know if I am catching it or not.  So far, I have been trying to drink up a lot of honey and lemon, and boiled coke and lemon together to drink! Another pain I have been feeling is my mid-back is hurting. I know I will get a big tap on my hands from everyone because I am pretty sure this is related to me trying to shovel the little snow from our driveway the other day.  I thought using the smallest shovel and do it gently shouldn't hurt. Besides, I made sure I did it slowly and enjoy the fresh air outdoor but obviously, I sure got a lot of fresh oxygen but my body didn't like the fact that I shoveled!  It is too bad... I guess I now know why my family doctor raised her eyebrows at me when I told her I wanted to try to do some light yoga two weeks ago.  She told me to not do any downward dogs and it is ok to take it very slowly and limit myself to slow motion stretches. In fact, she prefer that I try to walk more and slowly increase the pace to a little speed walking.  Overall, it really sucks to see all of this happening and the fact that I started to eat more, not only I didn't gain more weight but I ended up losing 1 more pound!?!  What is going on....  I'm now down to 107! OMG. My weight for the past 10 years excluding when I was pregnant was 120 lbs.  When I was pregnant, I hit no more than 145!  I can't believe I am now 107!  Not trying to brag here cause I will be really honest, I am not happy with the way I look and trying so hard to gain weight.  I have a feeling that my lower back was hurting because I don't have enough strong muscles/fat to support the bones in my body. So, when I am standing, walking etc.. it is putting a lot of pressure on the bone.  The recovery is not easier than the treatment itself.... I guess it is a little less tough but I am too anxious.... it is going way slower than I hoped for.  Fingers crossed! Hopefully in the early new year I see more improvement.

I will blog again before the end of next week! I am developing my own recovery program and want to share it to help make me more accountable for it.  I am not 100% loving how I look but I decided to go out and print some Christmas cards with my family picture on it.  Thanks to  my 2 lovely cousins who purposely came over and took the picture for us. I will share that next week.

Life Continues

I really don't know where the time went! I can't believe I saw my first snowflake and realized that it is already November! It felt like almost it was yesterday when I was laying in one of those hospital beds and waiting for the IV or dying of terrible side effects as the chemo therapy is killing all good and bad cells.  Yes, I meant to blog for a VERY long time! The past two months, things have gotten hectic but also good.  You would think after what I have experienced this year, the bad stuff is over and good is coming....  well, not quite.  However, I am not complaining cause it could have been worst.  I am so numb and became almost a little insensitive towards certain crap that comes at me.  Before I got on with what I have to say about what happen to me in the past 6-8 weeks, the good and bad, let me blog here my latest health results as many of people who are following my blog is waiting to hear about it!  I apologize that I kept you all waiting for so long as I certainly didn't mean it.

Health update: 
First of all, due to treatments and the level of damages it cause in my body and targeted area, MRI results won't ever look like the first one that was completed back in March.  There are 3 areas that show abnormality. These are the areas where the tumour was attached to, touching the roof of the nasal bone area and the part on my left optical eye.  What this means is that they don't know whether or not if it is still cancer (active or non-active), or inflammation of the mucosa due to the treatments, or the mucosa turned fibrosis due to treatments, or permanent scars from the treatments.   This is why they classified it as abnormal since it is unknown.  Doctor believed that give it time, it will clear or remain the same. He said that I am still very early in the stage of recovery given that I just finished my chemo back in August.  Both the effect of radiation and chemo are still active in my body and therefore could be causing what we see here.  If it is still active cancer cells, there is a chance that the remaining power of the radiation and toxicity from the chemo drugs left in my body can cancel this out in the coming months.

Secondly, the large tumour in my nasalpharynx is not visible as far as they can see from my test. So, yes not there anymore.

Last but not the least, my Epstein Bar Virus level in my blood was once skyrocketed above normal people is no longer detectable.  You can say it is gone, no longer present in my blood or it is still present but it is so little that our latest technology can't detect it.  Will this ever come back, it can and it may not mean that I have cancer.  Some people have cancer without having this EBV in their blood. Also, there are people with EBV in their blood but they don't have a cancer.  Doctor has yet to figure out exactly how to leverage this EBV data.

Overall, I think we got good news here. I can't say I felt like I kicked this cancer's ass when I got this news because of those 3 small areas of abnormality. However, I told myself that I think the news could be worst.  The later 2 points are GREAT news! At least they didn't say the tumour is still there and only shrunk a little bit.... or anything along this line.  Since they can't totally confirm the abnormal areas yet, I told myself not to think about it and not to worry. I realized I will need to try to stay calm and be optimistic.  Hope for the best!  The doctors were pretty confident that I am and will be fine given the results. So, they didn't requested me to do another test in the future but only asked that I go in for regular check-ups.  The news they shared with me is considerably great, but I am still concerned about those small dark spots. I want to make sure it is either scars or inflammation that hasn't healed vs. cancer.  I actually called the doctor back after receiving the news back in September right away the next day and told him that I would appreciate if I can get another MRI completed in January before seeing them for my check-up appointment that month.  They agreed so, fingers crossed and hope that I will get what I have been waiting for!

Aside from the MRI results, in October I went in for my eye test. Many friends and family have inquired me if my eyes, especially my left eye if it is still in mint condition.  Quite honest, I can't really tell, which is probably a good news but until we do the eye test, nothing is for sure.  The good news here is that my left eye is pretty much similar to before I received my treatment. So, vision wise, it hasn't change much however my right eye, vision has degraded a tiny bit.  Before treatments, I was able to see with glasses on the smallest letters they posted it up but this time around I managed to only see 1-2 of them. Optometrist said a lot of people don't normally see the last line anyway. This degeneration may or may not have been caused by treatments. They don't know.  Also, it could also be my right eye was comprised a little when they targeted my left eye. Sometimes, things in life is hard to say... maybe my right eye was trying to alleviate some of the damages being done with my left.  As for my left eye, I still have a HIGH risk of losing vision over time.  The word over time can mean anything from a few days, weeks, to years to possibly many many many years.  I do have a chance that I may not completely lose vision as well but they don't know.  They can only go by the probability they've seen with similar patients who has gone through treatments like me.  Hopefully, I am a minority vs. majority in this probably and perhaps, maybe blessings and miracle can happen to me in this aspect?  Looking at this on the bright side, at least I am not blind yet!  And hopefully, not in the future......  I will keep praying.  You will pray for me too?

Past two months....
No matter how much shit a person has experienced, life continues.  Aside from going through the above testing, I tried very hard to eat more. More of everything!  Around middle of October, I started to be able to not only eat a bit more but also more variety of foods all at once!  However, of course with the dry mouth I got, eating more means also drinking a lot of water to help get the food down to my stomach.  Only roughly after a week of eating more, I started to feel pain.  Yup! Not good!  I thought it was one or two days thing but no.... this stomach pain last for at least 3 weeks!  I tried to see if certain type of food I ate was triggering it but it wasn't.  I could be eating a slice of toast today, feel no pain but the next day eat the same thing, and I get a real bad stomach ache afterwards.  It was pretty sporadic and I waited 2 weeks before getting things checked out.  I started to get concerned and right away, had to not only slow down my eating but also, EATING LESS in the to figure out what is going on!  I asked for an ultrasound test to be done because there was one or two days out of those weeks, I swear that the pain was so strong that it was burning so much of my energy that I had to pass out and nap throughout the day!  The last time I took afternoon naps was in September.  Near the end of October, I finally got my ultrasound report back and everything seemed clear!  *phew!  I was ready for them to tell me that I had kidney stones or something....  but glad that all my organs are clear and therefore perhaps the stomach ache after eating is mainly due to the fact that since I haven't eaten food in sooo long, it is just not used to it.  And since chemo was killing all the cells and weakens all organs, my stomach perhaps can't digest the food well. Everything takes time and as I start to heal and recover more each day, hopefully, this will go away.  So far, the past 2 weeks, I felt less and less stomach pain and slowly started to eat a bit more again.

So the next bad news I have to share that happened in the past month is that my little man got sick! And of course, it was no joke on how tough it was for me trying to take care a sick kid while I am still ill and trying to recover.  That totally burnt and killed a few days of my energy but well worth it since my little Jake recovered from a fever after one day of staying at home with me and my hub. Then the next bad news is both my husband and I were sick for 2-3 days! OMG, here we go again, I was coughing my head off and my husband wasn't coughing but he had a bad headache and felt nauseated.  Good thing it didn't take us long to recover.  I still managed to cook and make dinner for all of us during this time.  My parents are no longer staying with us and went back home to take care their own business back in September. So, since September I have been fairly independent trying to 'live' and 'do' some of the things at home.  But I was so concerned about the cold that I caught. It was not funny. We literally took an entire weekend just bumming around the house and just nap together when our son was napping.  Recovery was the ultimate goal!  I didn't take any medication because I wanted my immune to wore off whatever I had.  I had so much drugs this year that I tried very hard not to take anything.

Aside from the above good and bad news, another one, pretty bad that happened.  So far, I have only driven 4-5x in the evening (i.e. past 8pm).  Just 2 weeks ago, someone rear ended into my car!  Like, seriously?!? When is the real good luck is coming?  I was sitting at a parking lot waiting for a spot. I wanted to go grab dessert and catch up with my brother and sister-in-law that evening around 9pm.  I waited, and waited, and waited... for at least freakin' 3 min and was trying to figure out if that car in front of me is gonna leave their spot because their car lights were on!  Before I know, I heard and felt a huge bang into my car.  I turned around to look through the window behind my seat and all I see is a huge silver MDX at an angle behind my car.  I was pretty numb at that moment when it happened.  Just a few thoughts went through my head in that split 20 seconds: am I ok? yes I am. What just happened? Oh yeah... Freak! I got hit!  Oh well, at least I am ok and it is only just a hassle to get the car fixed now.  So of course, I got out of my car to find the man coming out of his MDX car yelling and nervously freaking out at me:  "When did you get here? You hit me!".  I was so numb, and calm like as if the accident didn't even happen and said: " uh sir, no. I have been here for like at least 2-3 min. waiting for that car with the light on!  I didn't hit you. You hit me when you tried to roll out of your handicap spot."  He replied back and said that my lights weren't turned on but I asked him, do you see my lights on in my car right now.. and he said yes.  Anyway, he was freakin' out so much that while he was talking to me he tried to pull a cigarette out of his pocket, his hands were shaking like he had parkinson disease....  All I said after he tried to blame me for hitting him is that I will just need to call the police. He agreed and said " yes... you call the police".  So, after talking to the police, getting the incident # and information, I passed it to the guy.  He was choking on his cigarette during this entire time.  I looked into his eyes and said, don't worry. It was just an accident.  You are not hurt, I am not hurt and the cars can be fixed.  No big deal!  The blame and reasons that he was trying to put on me wouldn't have worked anyway.  My car was perfectly straight and line-up ready to park into the spot I was waiting for.  His car was at a 45-60 degree angles right behind my car facing my right side bumper.  If I hit him, it would mean that I pulled a reverse and would have scrapped his car.  The reality is that his car had no scrap or dent, only just a little crack at the side of his bumper. However, the right side corner of my back bumper was completly DENTED in!  Like someone punched my car bumper!  So, who's hitting who?!  Hello?!  Anyway, no big deal, just quite a lot of hassle! That same night after eating dessert with my brother and sister in law, I went back home to call my company car fleet management to report the incident. Right away during the weekday, I went to the police center and reported the incident and had them look at the car. And last week, I finally managed to get the bodyshop to fix it!  Yes, sucks that this happened! However, glad that this was in a parking lot and not on the road. Besides, it was a company car so the fix and car rental costs are taken care of!  Even if it wasn't and it was out of my pocket....  no big deal. The big deal is that I am alive and ok from this! :)

Enough of the bad....  some of the goods I had this past two months, yes life continues beyond recovery...  I am now able to make meals for the family, do grocery run, complete some small household errands....  but of course, I needed to take a lot of breaks fairly often due to energy levels.  I do still get quite tired after an intensive errand run but not enough where I need to lay down and nap.  As for driving around, I am ok driving for no more than 30-40 min max. After this amount of time, I need to get out and stretch and rest otherwise, I would indeed passes out.  I started to get back to baking... and have been baking a storm of cookies! Trying different recipes and variations to find the ultimate best cookie recipes that is healthy to eat!  Or at least way healthier than eating store bought ones!  I also signed up for chinese painting classes with my bestie sister friend! :)  This class helps me to slow down and stay focus on something aside from all the stuff that is constantly in my head!  I also managed to see more people now including doing a trip back at work to visit my dear colleagues who have long waited to see me! Yes, I am attending more friends' kid birthday party, and some small gatherings... makes me finally feel more human!

I cannot stress how much I feel so EMPOWERED!  Everyone tells me that I am so strong but honestly, I really couldn't have come this far without every single person whom I know or encountered in my life, supported me all the way once they heard of my news.  I feel so empowered like as if I can jump off a building now and feel like I can actually survive it!  Of course, I am not going to test or try to jump off a building for real but this is how I feel. I feel like nothing is gonna TAKE me down!  Going through what I have faced this year, is sure an eye and mind opener.  This traumatic challenge has almost turned into a life 'steroid', motivating me to aim higher!  I definitely see things in a different light. I also got an opportunity to reflect so much more on life and my life.  I get to see and reconfirm who I can rely on when I hit rock bottom, who is cheering and routing for me even when they are living a crazy busy life themselves but still made time for me days after days, weeks after weeks, months after months.... non-stop, who truly cares and don't care or don't dare to care, and who matters to me that I want to care for them too.  I get to see how much I used to appreciate life before and now.  I am so much more aware ever than before.  I noticed that I have changed as well...  the things that used to tick me or get sensitive about are no longer something that will do anything for me.  In fact, some of the things that I have never and still haven't been exposed to or experienced would actually make me more aware and be more sensitive for.   I am feeling so empowered that I know I have definitely empowered many who know me along the way in this past year journey.  I am always here to listen to my family and friends' issues or happiness. I am ready to share with you some of the empowerment I received with anyone who needs it to help them achieve and jump through their own hurdles.

After so much research and talking to people who were once ill or going through similar illness currently, I am gathering all the top foods that all of us should be eating!  I will share in my next blog all the great foods we should eat but also stuff that we should avoid!  What is the point to make an income at the end of the day?  Health matters. Without good health, you can't enjoy anything in life even if you have money.  Adios!

The Waiting Game... Waiting for my Final MRI Test Results

I just realized that I haven't blogged for a while.  I haven't been 100% focusing on my recovery as much as I want to. I tried to get myself distracted, running household errands (as much as I can) so that I don't have to sit at home and think about what my MRI results might look like.  I can't help but feeling anxious, a bit worried, a bit stressed, and don't know what I would do if the results aren't what I and my family hope for. Aside from all of this, I have been fairly busy transitioning my son to the new full French daycare.  It is roughly 15 min. away from our home. I must drop him off and do the pick-up because it is out of my husband's way to work.  I don't mind taking my son to the new daycare but the first week of transition wasn't easy but also wasn't hard.  Brought back memories and emotions how I transitioned him over a year ago to his first daycare before I returned to work.  The guilty feeling of leaving your kid behind and he is crying his face off. However this time, worst.  He now screams for me ... "mommy", with gazillion of tears running down his face. He would wrap his arms around my leg not wanting me to leave him. He had tried to take my hands and pull me towards the daycare exit door.  Oh boy... good thing his tears were a crazy outbreak so it didn't last too long!!!  Before I know it by the 2nd week, he was tearing only once and for less than a minute.  However, the 2nd week wasn't easy either.  Jake end up with a low grade fever and my gut told me to get him checked out.  Yup, he wasn't well.... he caught STREP THROAT!!!  Ugh...  I just started to sleep back with my husband in my room and now, we had to separate again. Phil had to take a day off to stay home to take care our sick baby and we had to quarantine in different rooms for the whole week. This was not the time for me to catch anything! Not that my husband can afford to but he definitely has a much stronger immune than I.  I haven't fully recovered yet!!!  In addition, I lived over 3 months of crazy soar throat pain from the treatments, I do not need another soar throat to remind me how painful it was!  Good thing doctor said that after 2 days, Jake can return to school because the Strep Throat bacteria is not longer contagious after 2 days on antibiotics!  So, before the 2nd week of new daycare ends, Jake went back to school on the Friday and finally.... happy weekend.

So, this is the week I get to find out about my results.  I don't know what to think.  I try not to think. I try to stay positive. I try to tell myself that whatever needs to be done, has been done. Just have to live with it.  However, this is very easily said than can be achieved.....   I know that I am very intense internally because I can't help but to constantly feel HUNGRY!!!  This is a good thing in a way because my weight has dropped down to 108 LBS now. The last time I was this weight was junior high!!!!  Too bad, I can't just constantly eat cause I have to constantly drink down lots of water to help chewing and bring down the food to my stomach!  The bad thing about feeling hungry is that I know my body is overworked! Over doing things, over thinking, and overly anxious/nervous that lead to burning tons of calories!!! I just hope the test results are good news. I am pretty sure that if it is, not only I am relieved, I will right away SLEEP like a sheep, my heart and mind can really focus on 100% recovery!  I know that even if I find out the good news, if it is good news (*knock on wood), that I won't ever feel 100% about it because my mind will always think "will it come back?".  There's always a chance the doctor said. Also, the survival rate all depends if I am clear for the next five years.  Until the day I die, I must do yearly MRI to confirm that I don't have any tumour/cancer.  Going through the final MRI test was extremely intense, and nerve racking.  Thinking about my future MRI test won't be much different.  Ok, I must stop now. Stop thinking so far ahead.  One step at a time. Wait for the results with a positive mind set and deal with the results when I get it.  Yes, I must continuously remind myself this....

Alright, time to go to bed!!!  I will continue to write a few more blogs.  My next blog topic is obvious....  to share my final MRI test results.  Stay tuned.

P.S. Thank you God, family, friends, colleagues, and ex-clients for your continuous support! xoxo

One more step closer to the end of this....

Ok... so I waited for this day for so long to get my GI tube removed out of my stomach!!  I was pretty anxious to get it removed two Tuesday ago but didn't know it would come with this much pain!!!  Yes.. no stitch needed they said. They said that once the tube is out, the stomach is a muscle, that muscle actually close the hole right away and will heal like a muscle...  as for the skin, the hole on the outisde of my stomach/skin, it is slightly smaller than a dime size and it will heal on its own too.  When they yank this tube out, they literally just pull it out. But the problem is, the outside whole is slightly smaller than a dime size but on the inside there is this anchor like a mushroom cap to prevent the tube falling out and the size is almost like a dollar coin.  So, you can imagine how painful it is when they yank this tube out... a dollar coin trying to fit through a slightly smaller than a dime sized  hole?!!  I was in so much pain and was terribly shocked when the damn thing came out and I almost wanted to beat the doctor up especially when he said it is out, don't worry now, no more pain...  do you want to see the tube immediately after the removal?  I was like, I can't even catch my breath, and all i can feel at the time is pain and trying to digest what just happened....  he asked me if i wanted to see the damn tube?! Of course not!!!!!  Throw it out!!!  I couldn't even talk because I was so shocked and in pain!  I gave him a no answer by shaking my head gently and giving him the deepest 'cut eye' look and he right away said oh ok and looked away! I think he realized that he asked me a bad question at the wrong time and was embarrassed!!  Then right away after a min of break.. i had to hold two nurses hand for the doctor to sanitize the open wound with these sticks and it literally burn everytime he touched the wound with it!!!  At that point, all I remember is a few tears slowly creeping out of my eyes and onto the side of my upper cheeks and dripping off the side of my ears!  The entire process was like only 5-10min.  However, I wasn't allowed to eat past 9am because my appointment was for 1pm but they didn't take me in for the procedure until literally like almost 4pm!!!! I waited for so long!!! I didn't eat nor drink water since 9am!! And after the procedure, I wasn't allowed to drink or eat for another 4 hrs! They wanted to give enough time for my stomach to calm down. They also recommended me to sip water after 4hrs vs. gulping down a cup of water right away to help my stomach adjust and prevent crazy leakage form the wound!  UGH...   anyway, I was pretty worked up on that Tuesday... What a day and week!!  Took me a few days before I went back to eating and drinking ensure the way I have been for the past month.  Pain is pain.  I don't think I will ever get used to it!  I recalled telling the nurses when they helped me get up from the procedure bed that I felt like I delivered a baby but through my stomach!!! LOL... they laughed pretty hard and said back to me that I should be fine if I can joke like that...  But was I?! haha... I guess so.... LOL

Finally, this past weekend I managed to make one of mine and Jake's dream come true!  Jake is only 2.5 years old but he is a pretty smart kid and definitely knows that something is up with me for the past 6 months.  Not sleeping in the same room with daddy, constantly have these nurses coming into our houses with gadgets checking up on his mommy, mommy drinking these cans of ensure vs. eating at the table regular food, got these pipes in and out of my body, cannot spend time with him etc...  He constantly ask for the past few months "mommy doctor?  Mommy hurt?".  I cannot help but to tell him the truth and said 'yes, mommy doctor and mommy is hurt... but very soon mommy will be fine. When mommy no more doctor and no more hurt.... mommy will travel with Jake. Mommy will bring Jake to the zoo.'  Jake would reply back 'yes mommy... I want to take bus and taxi....  and uhm.. I want to see BIG elephant and alligator...'.  Once in a while, he would take my hand and give a kiss on the back of my hand.  So many times, I get worked up with emotions when he does that but I tried to stay strong and don't allow him to see me about to bawl.  I have managed to hold it in and simply tell him ' thank you Jacob for kissing mommy... I love you very much'.  So this past weekend, finally brought Jacob too the zoo in a very late afternoon.  I paced myself when I was there by walking slowly, breaking and taking a seat while Phil took Jake inside some of the exhibits, and I definitely cover up myself with this large thin scarf, big beach hat, wearing comfortable clothing and running shoes, and brought 3L of water with me to sip away during our 2.5 hrs adventure with Jake :)    Pretty beat after that. Only today I realized that both of my left and right ankles looked bruised!!!  It does hurt but not crazily like the time I pulled a tendon around the inside of my ankle.  Looks like my recovery is happening but surely not fast enough...  Will definitely need to pace myself more when it comes to walking and doing any exercise!!!

Just before my GI tube removal, I have received so many thoughtful gifts.  I feel bad that everyone is spoiling me during this tough time.... seriously.. I do....  I will need to do something real good to return those kind hearts and thoughtful gifts that I got from so many people so far.  First, Phil's cousin from Vancouver was over for their brother's wedding.  They bought me a Pandora charm 'hugs and kisses'.  One of my best friend that lives north of Toronto also bought me this lovely bag, book and scarf... it was meant to be used during the treatments but it is all good cause I can still make good use of it even now :)  My other best friend in Montreal ordered me a 'no more chemo cake' and also sang me the 'no more chemo song'. It is a camp Trillium tradition where they would sing and bake this cake whenever the children have completed their treatment.  My other best friend in town sent me a surprised card... very touching and kind words that brought tears to my eyes.  My sister-in-law and brother who just came back from Hawaii also bought me a Pandora charm to celebrate the end of my treatments.  I just can't help but to feel so spoiled, blessed, and thankful for all these gifts. More importantly, is the good relationship and care that I have been continuously getting from everyone regardless tangible gifts or not.  The majority of my friends, especially the ones who have a family have been constantly reaching out and checking up on my progress.  Totally blessed with great friends and family members. I am definitely a lucky girl. :)

I will continue to update my blog on a regular 1-1.5 weeks basis.  I will be going in to do a bloodwork this week to see if I have somewhat gone back to normal since the last chemo.  I will also be going through PMH to get my teeth examined.  My final testing and review should be next month.  I think my eyesight test is in October.  Recently, I have been feeling good and strong.  When people told me that I will come out stronger even more than before after going through this.  I now start to believe it cause definitely, I feel like I have been 'empowered'.  Something beyond the simple word 'strong'.  I feel like I really need to out and do something crazy!!  Nothing can really be move devastating than to lose your own daughter within a few min. of birth and literally going through my own life and death experience.  I definitely feeling like I want to be a new me and will be one.  I am feeling positive about my future and goals.  I can't wait to spend the next few months working on recovery and hopefully, bring some of my goals to fruition next year.  I am super duper excited, pumped, and empowered with positive energy!  I just haven't really figured out my recovery plan.... once I get the recovery plan figured out, I will certainly share it in my blog.  Slowly feels like my body is coming back together, another step closer to the end of this traumatic experience.

Finally This Day Has Come

Finally, my final treatment is complete and the tube is removed!  Before, I thought I would be excited to get to this day but when I actually got everything unhooked, I felt fairly neutral.  I think it is because the final closure on this challenge hasn't been confirmed yet.  Regardless, I am happy that I don't have chemo treatments and that I can finally focus on the recovery.  I am definitely pretty beat this round as much as last few rounds of treatment.  I am trying very hard to rest as much as possible because I want to try to attend Phil's cousin wedding ceremony next Saturday.  I won't be able to attend the dinner reception but at least I hope to be there to see them get married. Also, I want to see my in-laws that I haven't seen in ages, would be good to be out for a bit.

Looking back at the past few weeks and months, my parents have totally stepped up above and beyond the call. Especially in the past week or so.  We have landscaper coming in to do work but a lot had to be managed and I don't have the energy to take care of it. Also, Phil is at work and can only contribute so much.  My parents are crazy hard workers... helping us maintain our lawn, digging out weeds on a weekly basis, watering my edible garden, constantly cleaning and fixing my house, cooking many meals throughout the day, working their other job, managing the landscapers work to make sure they are doing things appropriately, running in and out buying stuff for this project etc.... last night, my dad and Phil were out so late fixing this conduit pipe for future lighting installation, they are so exhausted and tired from all the digging and installation.  Phil took a 4 hrs nap yesterday while my parents were still out and about doing stuff so that Phil and I can rest!  I'm so glad that my parents are very well rounded people and know how to take care so much stuff.  As much as I want to rely on my husband only, his knowledge on how things are done (especially with the house), and his time are very limited.  Can't blame him for not knowing because he didn't grow up with anyone showing him how to do it. With not much guidance and lead, how can I expect him to know it right?  I don't know many parents who are like mine who know so much and can do so much for their age.  Although the past months have been SO STRESSFUL, and we all have gone into many fights and arguments with my parents due to personality and mindset clashes, both my husband and I still feel very blessed and lucky to have them with us, helping us during this time because at the end of the day, they both work over 14 hours a day taking care of all errands making our lives easier for the present and future.

August is a crazy busy month... so much is going on.  I can't believe it is August already.  I just really want summer to last longer so that I can enjoy it. This month is busy because so much needs to be completed before Fall including our landscaping project. Everything is so dusty and my parents are constantly cleaning the house throughout the day from outside entrance to the inside of the house.  Our new home Tarion warranty is around the corner so we need to walk around the house to see what needs to be fixed and tell the builder before the end of the month.  I already scheduled the nail pop dry wall guy to come and fix touch up any areas in the house in the coming week.  Once the landscaping is done, we need to wash all of our windows (inside and out)!  I need to schedule the duct cleaners sometime in September to come and do a thorough clean-up! We have so much stuff in our basement that Phil and I been talking about doing a good clean-out! Since our move, we have so many boxes of STUFF that we haven't opened.  It will require a lot of time and energy to do a massive cleanout and it must be done soon!  Also, Jake toys and artwork from school started to pile up everywhere! I constantly ask Phil to help me sort through it but he hasn't got a chance.  Of course, he is waiting for me to help him with that.....  not to mention Jake has build up an ARMY of clothes in his closet... It is unbelievable!  I need to store away those clothes that he can't wear anymore,  So much STUFF?!!!!  It bugs the hell out of me so bad!  Especially now that I have more energy to look around the house and actually get bothered from it.  I don't like clutter, messy, and unorganized home.  Oh..  another thing, all paperwork are sitting around waiting for me to sort through... ARG!!!!  I managed to get some done last month cause Phil lost balanced and cannot keep up with it and he really doesn't know where everything is sorted cause I owned and kept things organized before.  I feel so frustrated at times because things are building up and the longer we don't organize these things, the more it will collect and take even more time to go through it all!  Aside from all the house stuff that is on our top list of to do, in about 1.5 weeks from now, FINALLY I can go in to remove my GI Tube!!!  I cannot wait!  This tube is in the way and I cannot sleep properly because every time I try to rotate from side to side in my bed, it is in the way.  I also have hearing test, bloodtest, dental check-up and visit my oncologist in the coming weeks. Other than this, September is going to be a crazy busy month as well.  I have my final MRI test and review with the doctors to check on my health status and to confirm if everything is gone!!! First week of September, I will be transitioning Jake to the new French daycare school that is in Markham.  Also, September weekends are quickly filling up with kids birthdays and weddings...  Not sure how many I can hit but definitely I want to try to go to as many as I can since I have missed out sooooo many already!  Phil and I also want to plan 2 separate family and friends party at our home - perhaps at the end of September.  I haven't seen my friends and many family members in AGES!!!!  So much to do!!!! OMG....  I don't know if I should throw a happy or sad face on thinking about all of this!!!

Just breathe.....  *sigh*.  Given all of the above, I still need to prioritize RECOVERY as my #1focus.  Need to start doing some extremely slow motion stretches, try to eat more and cut down on some ensure.  I'm currently taking 3 bottles of ensure/day, my goal is to cut it down to 2 bottles by next month as long as I can start eating more.  I slowly start to gain back my taste buds but again, my menu is very limited due to dry mouth.  Aside from just the dry mouth, there are a lot of stuff that I need to ban off the list... food that are fried, too much oil, too much salt, preserved meat, seafood, beef, fast food, and also eating out. Hopefully, eating a full meal is not too far away in the future.

Jumping Off the Cliff Soon...

Finally, I am halfway through my last treatment. Hopefully it will be last one for life! Last week, I felt strong positive energy and momentum building up for Monday's day 1 treatment!  I had an opportunity to DRIVE for the first time in over 4 months!  Boy it felt good however, it didn't take too long for me to be tired and exhausted from just a 15 minutes drive.  Definitely took a lot of energy out of me and of course, I kept reminding myself to pace myself.  I had to let my mom take over on the return trip back home.  Another good news is that I managed to drop by to visit my boss at work last Friday. I had mini-errand to run and figure I can see one person.  Only the courage to see one person. I wanted to see her for a long time and we had some good catching up!  She also bought me a lovely anti-evil bracelet from Capri!  I got quite a few compliments from people at the hospital who saw me wearing it.  Speaking about gifts and blessings, I received a huge basket of goodies from a group of cousins on my mother side.  They know it is my last treatment and gather a lovely basket together to help sooth and make me more comfortable.  My niece, very talented in the areas of art, has put together a wonderful scrapbook with photos taken by his father.  So nice to flip through and see all of my cousins' children and mine growing up together and having a good time in the past few months.  In terms of blessings, two friends that I have hung out with in University and haven't seen for a long time have reached out to me.  Feels great to be loved and that my story has touched many.  I hope my story is touching people in a positive way vs. pity and/or feel sad for me.  Last but not the least, my client from out west and also many of Phil's friends sent me their well wished and how they are cheering for me.  I have been feeling quite emotional for the past few days since my treatment started. However, I constantly remind myself how much I have received from everyone so far that I cannot let these emotions take over.  I shed a few tears at the hospital when I had a quiet moment but they were happy tears.   I cannot believe that I am finally going through my last treatment!!  I waited for this day to come for so long and finally I am going through it!

This past Monday, I checked into the hospital hoping for 3 things: 
1 - The nurse who will take my bloodwork for testing doesn't poke me like crazy and that the results shows that I will be able to proceed with the treatment (aka no delays)
2 -  I want this chemo to be done on my left arm cause the last 3 times it was done on my right and I was literally paralyzed since I am a right-handed.
3- Really want the certified IV nurse to find the vein, poke me in one shot and thread the damn 8 inch tube inside my arm without any problems!!!!  It took 3 trials last round! I don't need the same experience!!

Well guess what, with so much praying beforehand and also during procedure of all of the above, I literally got all 3 wishes come true!  First of all, I normally don't look at the nurse who pokes me to take blood but this time, I did and for some reason, I didn't FEEL the needle at all!!!  I wish all needle poking was like this!!  After spending 1.5 hrs waiting for the results and speak to the doctor, my blood test came back hitting the minimum level required to proceed for chemo treatment. It was lower than last treatment but still meet the minimum required!!! So hurray, no delays!!!  Last treatment it is!  Around the middle of the afternoon, finally the IV nurse came by to get everything set-up to do the IV on me.   I was praying so hard asking God and my beautiful guardian angel Charlotte to help this nurse get the big needle into the right vein so that she can thread the tube inside!  I prayed so hard, thought so hard, and asked so much.....repeatedly until she was done.  And then I felt the pain... the huge poke and the threading and before I know.... within a minute she said out loud: it is in!!!  HURRAY!!!!!  Totally blessed and happy that everything went pretty smooth so far.  I must also thank everyone who has prayed for me during all of this time. I will certainly need more prayers to help me get over this recovery hump.


Lately, I have been making a lot of prayers for a lot of people whom I know.  Over the last 2 -4 weeks, I found out two more people who has just discovered that they have cancer. One of them is the lady that I rent my work parking spot from. She called to see how I was doing but also shared a sad news about her daughter has been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer.  The other one is Jake's close daycare buddy mom's mother-in-law just diagnosed with lung cancer.  I sometimes wonder why good people needs to pay the price.  I don't understand but I truly hope god is giving these people some good miracle and help them along the way to find cure just like how he has helped me.  Other prayers I have been making is for all people who has been hurt and killed in all these airplane, train, bus and mud slide disasters around the world including the one that happened in Quebec.  I really hope God is helping these poor family who has been hurt from this.  Last but not the least, I'm praying for many close friends who are trying for a baby.  Some of them has been trying for over 2-3 years and they are my age.  These are great people and will be good parents, I just hope god can bless each of these couple a good bundle of joy soon!  I like to ask those who are reading my blog and continuously praying for me to help me pray for all these people too.  I know they are strangers to you but God listens to everyone's prayer and will answer them :) Thank you for your help.


Lots is happening in August once this treatment is over.  I have 4 medical appointments scheduled: hearing test (because radiation and chemo can damage my hearing over time given where the cancer is located), GI Tube removal (HURRAY - haven't used it for 2 months and can't wait to be tube free!), dental Check-up (again radiation can damage gum tissues and lack of saliva  doesn't help to kill germs in the mouth), and finally, seeing my oncologist to review my last chemo treatment and making sure my bloodwork is back to normal.  The big testing won't be happening until middle of September.  I cannot wait and hope to find out that every single cancer cells have vanished so that I can finally focus mainly on the recovery only.

The title in this blog is called Jumping off the cliff soon.  Many blogs ago, I talked about how hard this entire process has been for me.... it is like climbing up a huge mountain or volcano. Finally, I feel like comes Saturday, I can finally jump off this mountain because I will reach the cliff!  I can free myself!   However, I have been on and off with my emotions and now that I am almost there, I start to wonder what kind of ending I will have.  A few days ago, I read the news and saw some skydiver landed in someone's backyard and died.  I bet you he didn't think he was going to die when he jumped off until he almost reached the ground.  Here I am wondering, for so many months, I couldn't wait for this day to come but now, I can't believe that I start to feel uncertain about what is ahead of me....  I keep saying, wow once the treatment is done, I can focus on the recovery only.  But I am feeling a bit skeptical about the future because I don't know what the future looks like.  Doctors cannot tell me what my prognosis will be but as long I am clear for the next 5 years, I have a high chance to survive and live a longer life.  So, the feeling to finally jump off this cliff sounds so good but what kind of ending will I have?  A happy one and a new life beginning? Or will it be a bad landing and there goes my life?  I am training my brain to think more positive and think less of the negative outcome.  It is not easy but I am trying.  I had the opportunity to meet Barry Spilchuk on Monday who gave me some hope.  He is the first Canadian to co-author the A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul.  He is a motivational speaker and a life coach!  He has survived a stage 4 deadly cancer and been cancer free for the past 4 years.  I met him at the hospital while waiting for my turn to do the blood test.  It is a small world....  my dad actually knows him pretty well because they went to the school together during their childhood years and grew up in my hometown North Bay.  He told me to believe that miracle does happen as long you believe it.  Just stay positive. You are so young, you can definitely do it! :)  So, tell me that I have been blessed!! To meet great people and constantly brings me back into the right track the minute I start trail off.  So I must believe it. No one can help me get there if I don't want to believe and try to get there.  I must trust and believe that this is all going to be over and yes, I will have both a happy ending and has hit a new stage in life!