Finally, my final treatment is complete and the tube is removed! Before, I thought I would be excited to get to this day but when I actually got everything unhooked, I felt fairly neutral. I think it is because the final closure on this challenge hasn't been confirmed yet. Regardless, I am happy that I don't have chemo treatments and that I can finally focus on the recovery. I am definitely pretty beat this round as much as last few rounds of treatment. I am trying very hard to rest as much as possible because I want to try to attend Phil's cousin wedding ceremony next Saturday. I won't be able to attend the dinner reception but at least I hope to be there to see them get married. Also, I want to see my in-laws that I haven't seen in ages, would be good to be out for a bit.
Looking back at the past few weeks and months, my parents have totally stepped up above and beyond the call. Especially in the past week or so. We have landscaper coming in to do work but a lot had to be managed and I don't have the energy to take care of it. Also, Phil is at work and can only contribute so much. My parents are crazy hard workers... helping us maintain our lawn, digging out weeds on a weekly basis, watering my edible garden, constantly cleaning and fixing my house, cooking many meals throughout the day, working their other job, managing the landscapers work to make sure they are doing things appropriately, running in and out buying stuff for this project etc.... last night, my dad and Phil were out so late fixing this conduit pipe for future lighting installation, they are so exhausted and tired from all the digging and installation. Phil took a 4 hrs nap yesterday while my parents were still out and about doing stuff so that Phil and I can rest! I'm so glad that my parents are very well rounded people and know how to take care so much stuff. As much as I want to rely on my husband only, his knowledge on how things are done (especially with the house), and his time are very limited. Can't blame him for not knowing because he didn't grow up with anyone showing him how to do it. With not much guidance and lead, how can I expect him to know it right? I don't know many parents who are like mine who know so much and can do so much for their age. Although the past months have been SO STRESSFUL, and we all have gone into many fights and arguments with my parents due to personality and mindset clashes, both my husband and I still feel very blessed and lucky to have them with us, helping us during this time because at the end of the day, they both work over 14 hours a day taking care of all errands making our lives easier for the present and future.
August is a crazy busy month... so much is going on. I can't believe it is August already. I just really want summer to last longer so that I can enjoy it. This month is busy because so much needs to be completed before Fall including our landscaping project. Everything is so dusty and my parents are constantly cleaning the house throughout the day from outside entrance to the inside of the house. Our new home Tarion warranty is around the corner so we need to walk around the house to see what needs to be fixed and tell the builder before the end of the month. I already scheduled the nail pop dry wall guy to come and fix touch up any areas in the house in the coming week. Once the landscaping is done, we need to wash all of our windows (inside and out)! I need to schedule the duct cleaners sometime in September to come and do a thorough clean-up! We have so much stuff in our basement that Phil and I been talking about doing a good clean-out! Since our move, we have so many boxes of STUFF that we haven't opened. It will require a lot of time and energy to do a massive cleanout and it must be done soon! Also, Jake toys and artwork from school started to pile up everywhere! I constantly ask Phil to help me sort through it but he hasn't got a chance. Of course, he is waiting for me to help him with that..... not to mention Jake has build up an ARMY of clothes in his closet... It is unbelievable! I need to store away those clothes that he can't wear anymore, So much STUFF?!!!! It bugs the hell out of me so bad! Especially now that I have more energy to look around the house and actually get bothered from it. I don't like clutter, messy, and unorganized home. Oh.. another thing, all paperwork are sitting around waiting for me to sort through... ARG!!!! I managed to get some done last month cause Phil lost balanced and cannot keep up with it and he really doesn't know where everything is sorted cause I owned and kept things organized before. I feel so frustrated at times because things are building up and the longer we don't organize these things, the more it will collect and take even more time to go through it all! Aside from all the house stuff that is on our top list of to do, in about 1.5 weeks from now, FINALLY I can go in to remove my GI Tube!!! I cannot wait! This tube is in the way and I cannot sleep properly because every time I try to rotate from side to side in my bed, it is in the way. I also have hearing test, bloodtest, dental check-up and visit my oncologist in the coming weeks. Other than this, September is going to be a crazy busy month as well. I have my final MRI test and review with the doctors to check on my health status and to confirm if everything is gone!!! First week of September, I will be transitioning Jake to the new French daycare school that is in Markham. Also, September weekends are quickly filling up with kids birthdays and weddings... Not sure how many I can hit but definitely I want to try to go to as many as I can since I have missed out sooooo many already! Phil and I also want to plan 2 separate family and friends party at our home - perhaps at the end of September. I haven't seen my friends and many family members in AGES!!!! So much to do!!!! OMG.... I don't know if I should throw a happy or sad face on thinking about all of this!!!
Just breathe..... *sigh*. Given all of the above, I still need to prioritize RECOVERY as my #1focus. Need to start doing some extremely slow motion stretches, try to eat more and cut down on some ensure. I'm currently taking 3 bottles of ensure/day, my goal is to cut it down to 2 bottles by next month as long as I can start eating more. I slowly start to gain back my taste buds but again, my menu is very limited due to dry mouth. Aside from just the dry mouth, there are a lot of stuff that I need to ban off the list... food that are fried, too much oil, too much salt, preserved meat, seafood, beef, fast food, and also eating out. Hopefully, eating a full meal is not too far away in the future.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Jumping Off the Cliff Soon...
Finally, I am halfway through my last treatment. Hopefully it will be last one for life! Last week, I felt strong positive energy and momentum building up for Monday's day 1 treatment! I had an opportunity to DRIVE for the first time in over 4 months! Boy it felt good however, it didn't take too long for me to be tired and exhausted from just a 15 minutes drive. Definitely took a lot of energy out of me and of course, I kept reminding myself to pace myself. I had to let my mom take over on the return trip back home. Another good news is that I managed to drop by to visit my boss at work last Friday. I had mini-errand to run and figure I can see one person. Only the courage to see one person. I wanted to see her for a long time and we had some good catching up! She also bought me a lovely anti-evil bracelet from Capri! I got quite a few compliments from people at the hospital who saw me wearing it. Speaking about gifts and blessings, I received a huge basket of goodies from a group of cousins on my mother side. They know it is my last treatment and gather a lovely basket together to help sooth and make me more comfortable. My niece, very talented in the areas of art, has put together a wonderful scrapbook with photos taken by his father. So nice to flip through and see all of my cousins' children and mine growing up together and having a good time in the past few months. In terms of blessings, two friends that I have hung out with in University and haven't seen for a long time have reached out to me. Feels great to be loved and that my story has touched many. I hope my story is touching people in a positive way vs. pity and/or feel sad for me. Last but not the least, my client from out west and also many of Phil's friends sent me their well wished and how they are cheering for me. I have been feeling quite emotional for the past few days since my treatment started. However, I constantly remind myself how much I have received from everyone so far that I cannot let these emotions take over. I shed a few tears at the hospital when I had a quiet moment but they were happy tears. I cannot believe that I am finally going through my last treatment!! I waited for this day to come for so long and finally I am going through it!
This past Monday, I checked into the hospital hoping for 3 things:
1 - The nurse who will take my bloodwork for testing doesn't poke me like crazy and that the results shows that I will be able to proceed with the treatment (aka no delays)
2 - I want this chemo to be done on my left arm cause the last 3 times it was done on my right and I was literally paralyzed since I am a right-handed.
3- Really want the certified IV nurse to find the vein, poke me in one shot and thread the damn 8 inch tube inside my arm without any problems!!!! It took 3 trials last round! I don't need the same experience!!
Well guess what, with so much praying beforehand and also during procedure of all of the above, I literally got all 3 wishes come true! First of all, I normally don't look at the nurse who pokes me to take blood but this time, I did and for some reason, I didn't FEEL the needle at all!!! I wish all needle poking was like this!! After spending 1.5 hrs waiting for the results and speak to the doctor, my blood test came back hitting the minimum level required to proceed for chemo treatment. It was lower than last treatment but still meet the minimum required!!! So hurray, no delays!!! Last treatment it is! Around the middle of the afternoon, finally the IV nurse came by to get everything set-up to do the IV on me. I was praying so hard asking God and my beautiful guardian angel Charlotte to help this nurse get the big needle into the right vein so that she can thread the tube inside! I prayed so hard, thought so hard, and asked so much.....repeatedly until she was done. And then I felt the pain... the huge poke and the threading and before I know.... within a minute she said out loud: it is in!!! HURRAY!!!!! Totally blessed and happy that everything went pretty smooth so far. I must also thank everyone who has prayed for me during all of this time. I will certainly need more prayers to help me get over this recovery hump.
Lately, I have been making a lot of prayers for a lot of people whom I know. Over the last 2 -4 weeks, I found out two more people who has just discovered that they have cancer. One of them is the lady that I rent my work parking spot from. She called to see how I was doing but also shared a sad news about her daughter has been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. The other one is Jake's close daycare buddy mom's mother-in-law just diagnosed with lung cancer. I sometimes wonder why good people needs to pay the price. I don't understand but I truly hope god is giving these people some good miracle and help them along the way to find cure just like how he has helped me. Other prayers I have been making is for all people who has been hurt and killed in all these airplane, train, bus and mud slide disasters around the world including the one that happened in Quebec. I really hope God is helping these poor family who has been hurt from this. Last but not the least, I'm praying for many close friends who are trying for a baby. Some of them has been trying for over 2-3 years and they are my age. These are great people and will be good parents, I just hope god can bless each of these couple a good bundle of joy soon! I like to ask those who are reading my blog and continuously praying for me to help me pray for all these people too. I know they are strangers to you but God listens to everyone's prayer and will answer them :) Thank you for your help.
Lots is happening in August once this treatment is over. I have 4 medical appointments scheduled: hearing test (because radiation and chemo can damage my hearing over time given where the cancer is located), GI Tube removal (HURRAY - haven't used it for 2 months and can't wait to be tube free!), dental Check-up (again radiation can damage gum tissues and lack of saliva doesn't help to kill germs in the mouth), and finally, seeing my oncologist to review my last chemo treatment and making sure my bloodwork is back to normal. The big testing won't be happening until middle of September. I cannot wait and hope to find out that every single cancer cells have vanished so that I can finally focus mainly on the recovery only.
The title in this blog is called Jumping off the cliff soon. Many blogs ago, I talked about how hard this entire process has been for me.... it is like climbing up a huge mountain or volcano. Finally, I feel like comes Saturday, I can finally jump off this mountain because I will reach the cliff! I can free myself! However, I have been on and off with my emotions and now that I am almost there, I start to wonder what kind of ending I will have. A few days ago, I read the news and saw some skydiver landed in someone's backyard and died. I bet you he didn't think he was going to die when he jumped off until he almost reached the ground. Here I am wondering, for so many months, I couldn't wait for this day to come but now, I can't believe that I start to feel uncertain about what is ahead of me.... I keep saying, wow once the treatment is done, I can focus on the recovery only. But I am feeling a bit skeptical about the future because I don't know what the future looks like. Doctors cannot tell me what my prognosis will be but as long I am clear for the next 5 years, I have a high chance to survive and live a longer life. So, the feeling to finally jump off this cliff sounds so good but what kind of ending will I have? A happy one and a new life beginning? Or will it be a bad landing and there goes my life? I am training my brain to think more positive and think less of the negative outcome. It is not easy but I am trying. I had the opportunity to meet Barry Spilchuk on Monday who gave me some hope. He is the first Canadian to co-author the A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul. He is a motivational speaker and a life coach! He has survived a stage 4 deadly cancer and been cancer free for the past 4 years. I met him at the hospital while waiting for my turn to do the blood test. It is a small world.... my dad actually knows him pretty well because they went to the school together during their childhood years and grew up in my hometown North Bay. He told me to believe that miracle does happen as long you believe it. Just stay positive. You are so young, you can definitely do it! :) So, tell me that I have been blessed!! To meet great people and constantly brings me back into the right track the minute I start trail off. So I must believe it. No one can help me get there if I don't want to believe and try to get there. I must trust and believe that this is all going to be over and yes, I will have both a happy ending and has hit a new stage in life!
This past Monday, I checked into the hospital hoping for 3 things:
1 - The nurse who will take my bloodwork for testing doesn't poke me like crazy and that the results shows that I will be able to proceed with the treatment (aka no delays)
2 - I want this chemo to be done on my left arm cause the last 3 times it was done on my right and I was literally paralyzed since I am a right-handed.
3- Really want the certified IV nurse to find the vein, poke me in one shot and thread the damn 8 inch tube inside my arm without any problems!!!! It took 3 trials last round! I don't need the same experience!!
Well guess what, with so much praying beforehand and also during procedure of all of the above, I literally got all 3 wishes come true! First of all, I normally don't look at the nurse who pokes me to take blood but this time, I did and for some reason, I didn't FEEL the needle at all!!! I wish all needle poking was like this!! After spending 1.5 hrs waiting for the results and speak to the doctor, my blood test came back hitting the minimum level required to proceed for chemo treatment. It was lower than last treatment but still meet the minimum required!!! So hurray, no delays!!! Last treatment it is! Around the middle of the afternoon, finally the IV nurse came by to get everything set-up to do the IV on me. I was praying so hard asking God and my beautiful guardian angel Charlotte to help this nurse get the big needle into the right vein so that she can thread the tube inside! I prayed so hard, thought so hard, and asked so much.....repeatedly until she was done. And then I felt the pain... the huge poke and the threading and before I know.... within a minute she said out loud: it is in!!! HURRAY!!!!! Totally blessed and happy that everything went pretty smooth so far. I must also thank everyone who has prayed for me during all of this time. I will certainly need more prayers to help me get over this recovery hump.
Lately, I have been making a lot of prayers for a lot of people whom I know. Over the last 2 -4 weeks, I found out two more people who has just discovered that they have cancer. One of them is the lady that I rent my work parking spot from. She called to see how I was doing but also shared a sad news about her daughter has been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. The other one is Jake's close daycare buddy mom's mother-in-law just diagnosed with lung cancer. I sometimes wonder why good people needs to pay the price. I don't understand but I truly hope god is giving these people some good miracle and help them along the way to find cure just like how he has helped me. Other prayers I have been making is for all people who has been hurt and killed in all these airplane, train, bus and mud slide disasters around the world including the one that happened in Quebec. I really hope God is helping these poor family who has been hurt from this. Last but not the least, I'm praying for many close friends who are trying for a baby. Some of them has been trying for over 2-3 years and they are my age. These are great people and will be good parents, I just hope god can bless each of these couple a good bundle of joy soon! I like to ask those who are reading my blog and continuously praying for me to help me pray for all these people too. I know they are strangers to you but God listens to everyone's prayer and will answer them :) Thank you for your help.
Lots is happening in August once this treatment is over. I have 4 medical appointments scheduled: hearing test (because radiation and chemo can damage my hearing over time given where the cancer is located), GI Tube removal (HURRAY - haven't used it for 2 months and can't wait to be tube free!), dental Check-up (again radiation can damage gum tissues and lack of saliva doesn't help to kill germs in the mouth), and finally, seeing my oncologist to review my last chemo treatment and making sure my bloodwork is back to normal. The big testing won't be happening until middle of September. I cannot wait and hope to find out that every single cancer cells have vanished so that I can finally focus mainly on the recovery only.
The title in this blog is called Jumping off the cliff soon. Many blogs ago, I talked about how hard this entire process has been for me.... it is like climbing up a huge mountain or volcano. Finally, I feel like comes Saturday, I can finally jump off this mountain because I will reach the cliff! I can free myself! However, I have been on and off with my emotions and now that I am almost there, I start to wonder what kind of ending I will have. A few days ago, I read the news and saw some skydiver landed in someone's backyard and died. I bet you he didn't think he was going to die when he jumped off until he almost reached the ground. Here I am wondering, for so many months, I couldn't wait for this day to come but now, I can't believe that I start to feel uncertain about what is ahead of me.... I keep saying, wow once the treatment is done, I can focus on the recovery only. But I am feeling a bit skeptical about the future because I don't know what the future looks like. Doctors cannot tell me what my prognosis will be but as long I am clear for the next 5 years, I have a high chance to survive and live a longer life. So, the feeling to finally jump off this cliff sounds so good but what kind of ending will I have? A happy one and a new life beginning? Or will it be a bad landing and there goes my life? I am training my brain to think more positive and think less of the negative outcome. It is not easy but I am trying. I had the opportunity to meet Barry Spilchuk on Monday who gave me some hope. He is the first Canadian to co-author the A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul. He is a motivational speaker and a life coach! He has survived a stage 4 deadly cancer and been cancer free for the past 4 years. I met him at the hospital while waiting for my turn to do the blood test. It is a small world.... my dad actually knows him pretty well because they went to the school together during their childhood years and grew up in my hometown North Bay. He told me to believe that miracle does happen as long you believe it. Just stay positive. You are so young, you can definitely do it! :) So, tell me that I have been blessed!! To meet great people and constantly brings me back into the right track the minute I start trail off. So I must believe it. No one can help me get there if I don't want to believe and try to get there. I must trust and believe that this is all going to be over and yes, I will have both a happy ending and has hit a new stage in life!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Blessings & Preparation for the Last Treatment
Blessings
Last night, I decided to open up again the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Think Positive that my cousin and his spouse bought me. I was flipping through the book randomly and found a story called 100 blessings. It talks about this person at one point was very down and struggling to find a way to fight a challenge she was facing. To help counteract that she decided to write down 100 things that she felt blessed and that she is thankful for. In a short moment once she started to do that all that 'down, sad, struggling, negative feelings etc... ' quickly went away. I don't think I am feeling sad or have any negative feelings right now but I want to give this trick a try. In no specific order, I want to type out the blessings that I feel happy, thankful, and grateful for. I think this is a great exercise for anyone in any state of mind to try. To remind ourselves that although maybe we have had a lot of bad stuff that happen to us, there are equally and maybe more good things that happen to us at some point in our life. :) So, in no specific order, instant blessing thoughts that come to mind are.....
Preparation for the Last Treatment
I've been feeling extremely exhausted this week. Yesterday I thought I was going to nap for an hour but I ended up napping for almost 3 hrs! Trying to eat and rest more so that next week when I walk in to get my blood test done, hopefully they confirm that I am strong enough to do the last chemo treatment! Really hope this is the last one!!!!! Cannot wait to really focus the next few months on recovery. I am definitely not ready both mind and body to return to work. Haven't stopped trying to fight a battle one after another. Really need time to breath and perhaps go see a psychiatrist to confirm that I am mentally normal. Sometimes, I wonder why I can talk about my lost daughter and what I have been going through so light and easily. Seems like a piece of cake many have said to me when I shared my story in person. I don't know how to answer to that question but to think that I am positive because other people has helped me get there. Could I be pretending to be positive and not know? Am I in denial? I think I really need to see a psychiatrist to confirm this.... Praying for a successful last chemo treatment, fast recovery, and preparing for a new life to start!
Last night, I decided to open up again the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Think Positive that my cousin and his spouse bought me. I was flipping through the book randomly and found a story called 100 blessings. It talks about this person at one point was very down and struggling to find a way to fight a challenge she was facing. To help counteract that she decided to write down 100 things that she felt blessed and that she is thankful for. In a short moment once she started to do that all that 'down, sad, struggling, negative feelings etc... ' quickly went away. I don't think I am feeling sad or have any negative feelings right now but I want to give this trick a try. In no specific order, I want to type out the blessings that I feel happy, thankful, and grateful for. I think this is a great exercise for anyone in any state of mind to try. To remind ourselves that although maybe we have had a lot of bad stuff that happen to us, there are equally and maybe more good things that happen to us at some point in our life. :) So, in no specific order, instant blessing thoughts that come to mind are.....
- I am still alive
- Given the chance to fight this crazy battle
- Loving and caring parents
- Awesome family relatives
- Husband Phil
- Enormous group of caring and great friends
- Compassionate and caring colleagues
- My son Jacob
- My daughter Charlotte
- Brother Kinmon
- Sister-in-law Jin
- 3 living and super great grandmas
- Awesome cousins
- Awesome aunts
- Awesome uncles
- Ability to hope for a future
- Achieved ARCT Perfomer's level in piano
- Performed with an orchestra all over Europe
- Sang with bands
- Modeled in various fashion shows
- Won several pageants
- Received the Lieutenant Governor Volunteer Award
- All the jobs that I had, loved them with passion
- Orchids that continuously bloom 2x a year
- Received best actor award for my first theatrical performance
- Company car
- Own a home
- Chinese Canadian
- Fluent in French
- Fluent in English
- Speak 2 Chinese dialects
- Speak cantonese
- Speak a bit of mandarin
- Great neighbours throughout my life
- Studied at U of Montreal
- Studied at U of HK
- Worked and lived in Vancouver
- Winning at every Kiwanis Piano competition
- Achieved all goals that I set before turning 30 except for 2
- Great bosses
- Great mentors
- Still getting an income
- Ability to help people whenever is possible
- Been across Canada
- Attended great schools
- Had great teachers
- Climbed CN Tower for a charity
- Latest cellular phone
- Huge backyard
- My kitchen
- Online chinese drama shows :p
- Caring clients
- Good renters that rent their parking spot for me at work
- Work for a great company
- Compete with myself and zero intention with others
- Continuously learn and try to forgive others
- Met and/or worked with some Hollywood and HK Hollywood celebrities
- Food
- Friends around the world
- Graduated from U of Toronto
- Know many successful family and friends
- People praying for me and my family
- Have choices in life
- Getting gifts from strangers
- Getting gifts from family
- Getting gifts from acquaintances
- Getting gifts from friends
- Getting gifts from colleagues
- Getting free stuff from time to time
- Manage to get discounts/savings for the majority of stuff that I buy
- Can cook
- Can bake
- Can mow the lawn
- Can clean the house
- Can shovel snow
- Can do handy stuff
- Can paint
- Can sew and use a sewing machine to make clothes
- Can knit
- Can crochet
- Can wash and wax car :)
- Growing an edible garden
- Can sing
- MC'd at community events and many weddings
- Hosted a few show on the radio
- Live in a 4 seasons place
- Get to see day and night
- Saw many shooting stars
- Saw northern lights in my hometown
- Memorable wedding
- Exotic Honeymoon
- Cleaning lady
- Jacob's daycare
- My husband workplace
- My doctors
- Scrapbook
- Growing up not being rich or poor
- So far no experience of wars
- Getting blessed
- Believing in god
- Born and grew up in a small town
- A minority 2/3 of my life
Preparation for the Last Treatment
I've been feeling extremely exhausted this week. Yesterday I thought I was going to nap for an hour but I ended up napping for almost 3 hrs! Trying to eat and rest more so that next week when I walk in to get my blood test done, hopefully they confirm that I am strong enough to do the last chemo treatment! Really hope this is the last one!!!!! Cannot wait to really focus the next few months on recovery. I am definitely not ready both mind and body to return to work. Haven't stopped trying to fight a battle one after another. Really need time to breath and perhaps go see a psychiatrist to confirm that I am mentally normal. Sometimes, I wonder why I can talk about my lost daughter and what I have been going through so light and easily. Seems like a piece of cake many have said to me when I shared my story in person. I don't know how to answer to that question but to think that I am positive because other people has helped me get there. Could I be pretending to be positive and not know? Am I in denial? I think I really need to see a psychiatrist to confirm this.... Praying for a successful last chemo treatment, fast recovery, and preparing for a new life to start!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Faith....We are not alone
Family Update
Summer has finally arrived! Normally, I love this hot weather however, since I have not fully recovered, this super sunny hot weather really limits me from going out for a long time. The past weekend, I really stepped outside of my comfort zone once again! Saturday was my brother's birthday and we had a nice cozy at home dinner to celebrate it! 2 days prior to this day, my sister-in-law asked if I would be interested to go out and watch a movie with them on Saturday after the dinner celebration. My first feeling was excitement but quickly after was hesitation. I was also feeling nervous about the thought of me going to see a movie. Nervous of the crowd and wondering if I would be able to sustain a few hrs of movie. Also, nervous about whether or not my body and immune is strong enough to sit in a crowd of people. I thought and thought and thought..... only on Saturday during dinner that I have agreed to go as long they are ok with us watching the last show! I figure the last show will have less people. I also make sure they go first to get seats so that I just walk in and sit to see the show right away vs. waiting in line and/or for the movie to start. Since it was my brother's birthday he made the call on the type of movie to watch. He chose Pacific Rim. The movie was good but it was CRAZY intense for me! I think it is because of what I have been going through that for some reason, I am 'more' aware of life and things vs. before. Although this movie is not real, but part of me starts to wonder if something crazy like that can really happen in real life. I got more concerned the more I start thinking about it. On the way back home, I told my husband that I felt really shaken up by this movie and will need to meditate before going to bed to relax my mind. We talked about if this can happen later in life and all I can say, anything can happen. I can't help but to pray that night to God asking him to give peace in this world forever and as long as he can. To not let Pacific Rim or something even worst happen in real life. Aside from going out to the movies, I also went to see Jacob's swimming class on Sunday! He goes every Sunday morning for 30 minutes and Phil is in the pool with him. There is a small area with seats for family to watch, so I had the opportunity to go with them to see Jacob in action! Aside from swimming class, on the hot sunny afternoon we decided to bring Jake to a nearby splashpad. One of his young boy cousin that he plays well with also came out as well as one of his very good daycare friend too! So, while my son and husband gets splashed, I sat at a picnic table inside this big gazebo and watched them play for an hour. The past weekend was certainly a huge milestone that I hit because I have never thought that I would be going out to a movie, watch my son's swimming lesson and hit up a splash pad outdoor with people in hot sunny weather! The feeling was great that I managed to finally do 'normal' activities however quickly I learned that I didn't pace myself enough and started to pay the price for it by early Sunday evening! My left ankle started to swell up again! Back the icepack goes and boy was I ever exhausted where I ended up napping several times on Monday!
We Are Not Alone
Several weeks ago, I received a gift from Phil's cousin. He brought me a book called "Heaven is for Real". This book is a real life story, written by a family who has gone through months of life challenges. However, little did they know, behind all the crazy traumatic events that they went through came with blessings too. Their toddler son actually didn't die but somehow his soul has left his body, went to heaven and came back. Amazing story! A book that I highly recommend people to read whether or not you believe in God, Heaven, etc... This story has certainly expressed similar emotions that I felt in the past few months. Phil's cousin told me that he found a lot of comfort reading this book and thought that I might enjoy it too. I just finished reading it last week. I brought it with me to the hospital while getting chemo treatment. Two nurses saw me with the book and also said that it is a good one! I told my best friend about it, she somehow found an online copy and read it too! We had over an hour discussion about it, how much it has touched us and which part we were skeptical, etc... Overall, the book did open up a few concerns but brought me closer to believing that someone of higher power does exist. I have attended a catholic school all my life but was never baptized. Growing up, my family doesn't practice any religion nor talk about it. However, because of catholic school, I always pray to God, especially when I fear of something.... I don't know what it is but since all the traumatic events in the past months, every time I pray not only I get comfort in my mind and heart but I certainly feel like someone is listening to my prayers because it gets answered. I also feel like something is guiding me in my decision making and actions so that I don't regret. Back in early February before I found out about my illness, I was planning on returning to work in April. However, something was triggering my thoughts and gut that I shouldn't plan on going back to work. That I will be off for longer. Quickly within 2 weeks, I found out what I have and now looking back... my feeling was bang on! Back in March, I remember not only I was freaked out what I have, I was anxious to know what my treatment plan would look like. Before I had the chance to understand what the plan looks like, more bad news was in the air... the fact that my cancer was touching my left optical eye nerve and that going through treatment would really damage it and the likelihood of losing eye sight from that side. I was so devastated with that news that I prayed so much that day after hearing about it and asking for God's help to make the right decision and let the medical people know what I should do. What is the best option to lean for? I asked God to help guide me and to tell me what is the right option and that I will be confident enough that I can beat this darn illness. The deadline on letting doctors know was crazy tight - I had 1.5 days to think and decide. I remember quickly after my conversation with family, a few friends, and the insurance company on the same day of the news, I had received help and over 6 Oncologists from around the world have provided me their 2nd opinions regarding my case within 24 hrs. Certainly, I really feel like God has been helping me along the way and likely because he was answering not only my prayers but from all the people who were praying for me. Of course, we can argue that maybe I would have gotten this help if I or anyone didn't prayed but there is no way to go back in the past to test this. I personally don't want to go back and live those seconds of heart of attack and trying to figure what is the best thing to do because all I know is what I decided to do in the end is what I felt best, and confident to go with. I have heard several 'miracle' stories in my life. I really believe that anything can happen. So, why can't we believe that there is someone of higher power watching us, judging us on how we handle challenge and that he really is listening to our prayers?
Additional 'Life Decision Making' Thoughts
After reading a great book, having more life discussions with a few people including my husband, I start to build new thoughts around life decisions. What we might do today, we think it is right. However, later in life we might look back and see what we have chose to do today maybe wrong. If we ever look back and regret what we did today is wrong, you are always given several choices:
a) you can say oh well, I made a mistake, I regret, can't do anything about it and let it be
b) you know it was a mistake you made but chose to be ignorant, and continue to make the mistake
or perhaps c) you chose to make it right regardless how much time and effort it takes but you want to make sure the mistake doesn't continue into the future.
Sometimes, people don't think chance/opportunity are given to them to make things right. However, we are given a chance/opportunity every day! If you did something wrong or made a bad decision in life, as long as you are still living, every day is your chance to make it right. Of course some things are not an overnight deal, and can take a long time and effort to correct what has been done in the past. But I totally believe that no matter what the challenge is that you are facing, as long you have faith, determination and a good heart to face the ordeal, you will make yourself a better person and those around you a better place to live. The choice is always in our hands.
Only a little less than 2 weeks to go before my LAST chemo treatment! Fingers crossed that it will truly be the last one in my whole life and that it goes smooth!!!!!! I will be spending the coming days taking extra rest, try to eat more, and reduce all activities to prepare for this treatment! Praying lots and hopefully I can continue to stay positive.
Summer has finally arrived! Normally, I love this hot weather however, since I have not fully recovered, this super sunny hot weather really limits me from going out for a long time. The past weekend, I really stepped outside of my comfort zone once again! Saturday was my brother's birthday and we had a nice cozy at home dinner to celebrate it! 2 days prior to this day, my sister-in-law asked if I would be interested to go out and watch a movie with them on Saturday after the dinner celebration. My first feeling was excitement but quickly after was hesitation. I was also feeling nervous about the thought of me going to see a movie. Nervous of the crowd and wondering if I would be able to sustain a few hrs of movie. Also, nervous about whether or not my body and immune is strong enough to sit in a crowd of people. I thought and thought and thought..... only on Saturday during dinner that I have agreed to go as long they are ok with us watching the last show! I figure the last show will have less people. I also make sure they go first to get seats so that I just walk in and sit to see the show right away vs. waiting in line and/or for the movie to start. Since it was my brother's birthday he made the call on the type of movie to watch. He chose Pacific Rim. The movie was good but it was CRAZY intense for me! I think it is because of what I have been going through that for some reason, I am 'more' aware of life and things vs. before. Although this movie is not real, but part of me starts to wonder if something crazy like that can really happen in real life. I got more concerned the more I start thinking about it. On the way back home, I told my husband that I felt really shaken up by this movie and will need to meditate before going to bed to relax my mind. We talked about if this can happen later in life and all I can say, anything can happen. I can't help but to pray that night to God asking him to give peace in this world forever and as long as he can. To not let Pacific Rim or something even worst happen in real life. Aside from going out to the movies, I also went to see Jacob's swimming class on Sunday! He goes every Sunday morning for 30 minutes and Phil is in the pool with him. There is a small area with seats for family to watch, so I had the opportunity to go with them to see Jacob in action! Aside from swimming class, on the hot sunny afternoon we decided to bring Jake to a nearby splashpad. One of his young boy cousin that he plays well with also came out as well as one of his very good daycare friend too! So, while my son and husband gets splashed, I sat at a picnic table inside this big gazebo and watched them play for an hour. The past weekend was certainly a huge milestone that I hit because I have never thought that I would be going out to a movie, watch my son's swimming lesson and hit up a splash pad outdoor with people in hot sunny weather! The feeling was great that I managed to finally do 'normal' activities however quickly I learned that I didn't pace myself enough and started to pay the price for it by early Sunday evening! My left ankle started to swell up again! Back the icepack goes and boy was I ever exhausted where I ended up napping several times on Monday!
We Are Not Alone
Several weeks ago, I received a gift from Phil's cousin. He brought me a book called "Heaven is for Real". This book is a real life story, written by a family who has gone through months of life challenges. However, little did they know, behind all the crazy traumatic events that they went through came with blessings too. Their toddler son actually didn't die but somehow his soul has left his body, went to heaven and came back. Amazing story! A book that I highly recommend people to read whether or not you believe in God, Heaven, etc... This story has certainly expressed similar emotions that I felt in the past few months. Phil's cousin told me that he found a lot of comfort reading this book and thought that I might enjoy it too. I just finished reading it last week. I brought it with me to the hospital while getting chemo treatment. Two nurses saw me with the book and also said that it is a good one! I told my best friend about it, she somehow found an online copy and read it too! We had over an hour discussion about it, how much it has touched us and which part we were skeptical, etc... Overall, the book did open up a few concerns but brought me closer to believing that someone of higher power does exist. I have attended a catholic school all my life but was never baptized. Growing up, my family doesn't practice any religion nor talk about it. However, because of catholic school, I always pray to God, especially when I fear of something.... I don't know what it is but since all the traumatic events in the past months, every time I pray not only I get comfort in my mind and heart but I certainly feel like someone is listening to my prayers because it gets answered. I also feel like something is guiding me in my decision making and actions so that I don't regret. Back in early February before I found out about my illness, I was planning on returning to work in April. However, something was triggering my thoughts and gut that I shouldn't plan on going back to work. That I will be off for longer. Quickly within 2 weeks, I found out what I have and now looking back... my feeling was bang on! Back in March, I remember not only I was freaked out what I have, I was anxious to know what my treatment plan would look like. Before I had the chance to understand what the plan looks like, more bad news was in the air... the fact that my cancer was touching my left optical eye nerve and that going through treatment would really damage it and the likelihood of losing eye sight from that side. I was so devastated with that news that I prayed so much that day after hearing about it and asking for God's help to make the right decision and let the medical people know what I should do. What is the best option to lean for? I asked God to help guide me and to tell me what is the right option and that I will be confident enough that I can beat this darn illness. The deadline on letting doctors know was crazy tight - I had 1.5 days to think and decide. I remember quickly after my conversation with family, a few friends, and the insurance company on the same day of the news, I had received help and over 6 Oncologists from around the world have provided me their 2nd opinions regarding my case within 24 hrs. Certainly, I really feel like God has been helping me along the way and likely because he was answering not only my prayers but from all the people who were praying for me. Of course, we can argue that maybe I would have gotten this help if I or anyone didn't prayed but there is no way to go back in the past to test this. I personally don't want to go back and live those seconds of heart of attack and trying to figure what is the best thing to do because all I know is what I decided to do in the end is what I felt best, and confident to go with. I have heard several 'miracle' stories in my life. I really believe that anything can happen. So, why can't we believe that there is someone of higher power watching us, judging us on how we handle challenge and that he really is listening to our prayers?
Additional 'Life Decision Making' Thoughts
After reading a great book, having more life discussions with a few people including my husband, I start to build new thoughts around life decisions. What we might do today, we think it is right. However, later in life we might look back and see what we have chose to do today maybe wrong. If we ever look back and regret what we did today is wrong, you are always given several choices:
a) you can say oh well, I made a mistake, I regret, can't do anything about it and let it be
b) you know it was a mistake you made but chose to be ignorant, and continue to make the mistake
or perhaps c) you chose to make it right regardless how much time and effort it takes but you want to make sure the mistake doesn't continue into the future.
Sometimes, people don't think chance/opportunity are given to them to make things right. However, we are given a chance/opportunity every day! If you did something wrong or made a bad decision in life, as long as you are still living, every day is your chance to make it right. Of course some things are not an overnight deal, and can take a long time and effort to correct what has been done in the past. But I totally believe that no matter what the challenge is that you are facing, as long you have faith, determination and a good heart to face the ordeal, you will make yourself a better person and those around you a better place to live. The choice is always in our hands.
Only a little less than 2 weeks to go before my LAST chemo treatment! Fingers crossed that it will truly be the last one in my whole life and that it goes smooth!!!!!! I will be spending the coming days taking extra rest, try to eat more, and reduce all activities to prepare for this treatment! Praying lots and hopefully I can continue to stay positive.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Getting There.... Almost There.....
It has been a while since I blogged! Finally, finished my second last round of chemo last week. Glad it is over because it was a rough one! I don't understand why licensed IV nurse poke patients every day for a living and cannot find the right vein on the first try! I had to go through 3 pokes before the nurse located a vein and can thread through the 8 inch long tube into it! I swear I was about to collapse when she poked me the 2nd time and told me that the tube wouldn't thread through again. When she asked me if I would let her do it one more time at a different location, I was about to say no but I decided to give her one last chance. I was praying to god in my head asking him to help this nurse and in the end, she managed to get a vein on my right arm and thread through the freakin' 8 inch long tube. It really sucks that my right arm was used for chemo again this round. I felt pretty paralyzed from it and somehow, as the last day of treatment got closer, I don't know what happen but I end up pulling my right side shoulder blade muscle!!! ARG!!! I was in so much pain! Just trying to breath hurts so much! I couldn't get in or out of bed without slowly laying down on my left side and roll up like a worm. At last, today I feel a lot better.... well rested after spending this past week just sleeping throughout the day.
One more treatment to go - fingers crossed! It is scheduled for the end of this month as long my bloodwork shows that I'm ready for it. I really hope it is the last treatment for the rest of my life. I cannot wait to this over with and mainly focus on recovery. Physically, if anyone sees me wouldn't probably know what the hell I have been going through with the exception that I look a lot skinnier than before. I do still have a few dark spots/scars left on my neck due to radiation treatments but they are slowly fading away. In terms of diet, I try to eat a bit more but it is not easy when my mouth is constantly dry. I am mainly living off Ensures but also with a small amount of food. Maybe I haven't eaten for a long time or been drinking too much Ensure.... I can't help but to crave for all the bad food you can imagine! I dreamed of eating my favorite Lays ketchup chips now! I crave for instant noodles with Spam meat (this is something I used to eat maybe twice a year)! I crave for pizza, mcdonalds, fried food, seafood.... all of which I cannot eat! I don't want to crave for this type of food but I cannot help it. Everything I eat is so plain and must be plain because of my busted taste buds! On the bright side, I started to eat a bit more fruits!! Before, I couldn't because everything turns extremely sour once it enters my mouth! I managed to eat 5-10 blueberries, a few pieces of fresh figs, a few slices of small oranges and apples. I felt pretty miserable in the past week because chemo took a toll on me but also started to ask the question why this process can't be a bit easier and why I am not recovering faster....
I cannot describe the feelings I have right now. I can't say I am happy but I am also not sad. I am maybe a bit confused... maybe feel a bit uncertain about things.... Got some thoughts going on that I want to blog about however, don't feel ready to share just about yet. That is it for now.... I'll blog soon again......
One more treatment to go - fingers crossed! It is scheduled for the end of this month as long my bloodwork shows that I'm ready for it. I really hope it is the last treatment for the rest of my life. I cannot wait to this over with and mainly focus on recovery. Physically, if anyone sees me wouldn't probably know what the hell I have been going through with the exception that I look a lot skinnier than before. I do still have a few dark spots/scars left on my neck due to radiation treatments but they are slowly fading away. In terms of diet, I try to eat a bit more but it is not easy when my mouth is constantly dry. I am mainly living off Ensures but also with a small amount of food. Maybe I haven't eaten for a long time or been drinking too much Ensure.... I can't help but to crave for all the bad food you can imagine! I dreamed of eating my favorite Lays ketchup chips now! I crave for instant noodles with Spam meat (this is something I used to eat maybe twice a year)! I crave for pizza, mcdonalds, fried food, seafood.... all of which I cannot eat! I don't want to crave for this type of food but I cannot help it. Everything I eat is so plain and must be plain because of my busted taste buds! On the bright side, I started to eat a bit more fruits!! Before, I couldn't because everything turns extremely sour once it enters my mouth! I managed to eat 5-10 blueberries, a few pieces of fresh figs, a few slices of small oranges and apples. I felt pretty miserable in the past week because chemo took a toll on me but also started to ask the question why this process can't be a bit easier and why I am not recovering faster....
I cannot describe the feelings I have right now. I can't say I am happy but I am also not sad. I am maybe a bit confused... maybe feel a bit uncertain about things.... Got some thoughts going on that I want to blog about however, don't feel ready to share just about yet. That is it for now.... I'll blog soon again......
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A Small Milestone & Thoughts
Last week was post-chemo and I really challenged myself to try to eat a little more, walk a little more, and do a few things that I haven't done for a long time. Let's start with eating. I made quite a big improvement - in my world. As an example, yesterday, I had 1 bowl of oatmeal, 1 boiled egg, and 1 corn on a cob! Of course, I still have my usual 2 bowls of chinese herbal medicine and 4 bottles of Ensure. I don't eat like this everyday, I try to pace myself. Today, I only had 1/4 of a croissant, 1/2 banana and 1 bowl of chinese melon soup. As for walking, yes I certainly walked a lot more!!! So much that I am trying to figure out if I sprained my left ankle because it is a little swollen or I am fighting some kind of infection or this is due to chemo. I am not sure and will need to wait for my homecare nurse to visit me tomorrow to ask about it. I should have wore a better pair of shoes to walk around the block. Been just wearing my flats. Almost every early evening, once the sun is almost down, I would go out with my father and walk around the block to breath some fresh air. Also, I managed to hit some stores!! I chose early during the day when there is not a lot of people to go out with my father to run some errands (i.e. pick-up grocery, or browse). I would only be in the store for 20-30 min because after this period, I get extremely exhausted due to traffic, and tired looking around at stuff. I managed to hit up a Walmart, Costco, T&T Supermarket, Future Shop, and Melonhead for Jacob's haircut. Pretty much almost 1 store per day! I am sure a happy camper last week because I start to feel a bit more human!!! Also, near the end of the weekend, I got to see a few of my cousins who came by to go to the neighborhood park with Jacob. Jacob had such a blast hanging out with his cousins who are around his age! I am so happy to see my little one having such a great time. Especially the fact the we don't know when we will have a sibling for Jacob, I really want him to see his cousins more often so that he build a strong relationship with them. Just like how I feel about my own cousins, they are like brothers and sisters to me. :) Aside from all of this, I didn't think I was gonna be able to go out and celebrate father's day with my two fathers but I did it! Although I just sat there at the restaurant, didn't eat but drank my Ensure, it felt good to be able to be there in person and just be there.... just be there for them to see me and give them a sense of 'everything will be ok' and that I am getting better slowly. So yes, I finally saw my in-laws for the first time since March!!! I was very happy to see them as much as they were happy to see me! I also saw my bother's in-laws who care very much about my wellbeing too. I feel like I hit quite a milestone last week. I just hope the weeks ahead are moving in the same direction and gets even better!
In terms of sleeping, I still haven't been able to sleep through the night without waking up at some point. Last night I kept waking up almost every hour between 2am and 5am! My nose keep feeling stuffed, my lower back bone aches from sleeping on the back after a while, and I can't seem to sleep deep enough because my brain can't stop thinking. What am I thinking? Too much random stuff, and some are just thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be having. My brain takes me back to January of this year where everything started fall apart. This year was suppose to be the year I go on matleave and not on a freakin' sick leave! I was suppose to have a newborn baby to care for vs. delivering a baby who's heart was still beating and then passes away... and my entire family is trying to take care of me! My thoughts keep going along all unpredictable events that happened so far. I had a conversation with my nanny today about how unpredictable life can be. She later said well, the guy up there wouldn't give a challenge that you can't manage. I want to believe that but I am unsure. Did god really give me a challenge that he really thinks I can beat it or he wants to make me stronger cause I'm weak? I don't know anymore. I don't want to think anymore about it but I find it hard now that I start to feel a little bored, not doing much these days other than trying to rest more to recover. I also had a conversation with my husband a few days back how I felt like being a good person gets no rewards. At one point, I felt like I need to be a bad person moving forward - whatever that means. He told me that he also had some crazy thoughts like this too before. I guess after going through and facing 'life & death', literally twice now for us in a short period of time, your brain gets a good smack! I know I can't think like this, and likely won't be a bad person coming out of all this. I must continue to try to stay good: be a good citizen, family member, friend, and colleague. I have always believed in retribution. If you're bad, you will pay the price for it somehow. Also, if you live too good and not do any good to help others, you will also pay your dues!
Other thoughts been going through my mind is trying to decide if I should read my own blog from the beginning. I was trying to find strength during my chemo a week ago and thought maybe reading my own blog can help since everyone been telling me how after they read my blog, they all comment how strong I have been etc... So, if people thinks I am strong after reading my blog, I should feel strong reading my own blog... right? However, I didn't do that. I was scared that I won't be any stronger but just going to end up in tears for reading old and sad memories. I decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, and just bare the pain I had at that time and praying for the clock to tick faster so that the nurse can remove my chemo plastic tube. Speaking about staying strong and being strong... what does that mean? I've been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about the word 'strong'. I think there are many types and ways to express this but I thought about only 2 versions right now. There are two types of people who can be strong but only 1 is the ultimate 'strong' person. The first type is someone who is constantly challenging themselves and trying different things outside of their comfort zone. This person seeks challenge that many won't consider and will try to achieve it. For example, maybe climbing Mount Everest, sky diving, etc.... These people are strong and courageous! However, those challenges are by choice. Not forced to do it. They build great strengths and skills to make themselves look and feel strong but I don't view these people as the 'ultimate strong' people in life. The 2nd type of strong people are those who didn't choose the challenge but needs to face it. Whether you like it or not, the challenge is life and death. Strengths must be found and sometimes, people can't find it or don't even have the chance to fight. For example, imagine yourself waking up the next day where what you do doesn't matter anymore. Mother nature decided to throw a Tsunami in your face. It is all about you, your family and survival. Are you going to live? What happens to your house? What about your family, maybe they just died from drowning in this crazy disaster? Who cares how much you have or have not accomplished.... are you going to live and how will you live is the big standing question. If you're still living, you got nothing now. Your home is gone, everything you own is gone, and now you got the entire city with dead, sick, and injured people around you. You might be living now, but you can easily catch an infection because of this mess. How are you going to manage your life now? If you want a sense of how this is like, watch the movie called "The Impossible" because in real life it is much worst than this. How about another example.... you wake up and your country decided to have a war around you! Can you fleet that fast? Perhaps if you have the money. But if not, guess what, guns and bombs aren't far away and maybe you will be hit with one before you know it. And of course, being critical ill like having cancer or going through a heart attack etc... are all examples of challenges that many people need to face not by choice. There are probably a lot of different examples that we can continue to call out but this is what I call the 'ultimate' strong people; Either you go through this or someone you love goes through it as you stand by their side. It is very different from the ones who constantly try to challenge themselves daily, it is not the same type of being 'strong'. These are the people that are put through a true life test of 'how strong are you'. You don't know how strong you can be until you really got no choice. The focus is all about survival for you and your family. For me, going through this nightmare of life threatening events have changed my views when people say that person is "strong". The comment 'you are so strong' has a total different meaning to me.
One last thought been triggering my mind all week is the decision on what to do in the future and how much of my life/goals need to be changed. Since my last blog, I had a short conversation with my husband o how people will view me if I do or not change my goals in life. I told him that I know some family or friends might tell me to drop what I want to do in life because of what I have been going through. My husband shared with me his point of views on all of this. He pointed out that he agrees with me that I should follow my heart and go ahead continue to believe and try to achieve the goals I have set for myself. He made a comment about the only people who thinks you shouldn't follow your goals, change them, and/or drop some of it are the people who normally don't have much goals or interest in their own life. He said that I am a goal-getter, it overwhelms those who are not. LOL.... big laugh I had when he said this but comes to think more about it, I don't think my husband is totally wrong. Whatever it is, I truly don't care what people thinks. Like it or not, I am going to follow what I want to do in life and as long I have my husband support, that is good enough. What is right and wrong anyway? It is whatever we believe in.... right? Sometimes, I feel like my mind is sitting on a fence and can't really fall on either side.
Alright moving away from all thoughts, I got exactly 2 more weeks to go before my 2nd last chemo!!! OMG - I wish it was the last one!!! Boy do I not want to have this darn 8 inch plastic tube in my arm and vein! I really hope they can find a good vein on my left arm vs. my right. I am still feeling a little bruised on my right arm. Oh gosh.... I just need to stop thinking about all of this. Freakin' myself out ahead of time is no good!! I need to stop!!! I am going to finish off with a prayer for a dear friend's baby and for her family. My friend's baby just went through an unprecedented lung surgery. I am not exactly sure about the whole story but it certainly broke my heart when I heard about it. It bothered my mind all week and from time to time, I cannot help but to stop during the day and pray:
Dear Lord,
You know my friend so much better than I do. You know her sickness and the burden she carries. You also know her heart. Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now as you work in his life. Lord, let your will be done in my friend's life. If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help her to see her need and confess.
Lord, I pray for my friend just as your Word tells me to pray, for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord, to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why my friend has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort her with your presence.
Let my friend know you are there with her through this difficulty. Give him strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be glorified in her life and also in mine.
Amen.
In terms of sleeping, I still haven't been able to sleep through the night without waking up at some point. Last night I kept waking up almost every hour between 2am and 5am! My nose keep feeling stuffed, my lower back bone aches from sleeping on the back after a while, and I can't seem to sleep deep enough because my brain can't stop thinking. What am I thinking? Too much random stuff, and some are just thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be having. My brain takes me back to January of this year where everything started fall apart. This year was suppose to be the year I go on matleave and not on a freakin' sick leave! I was suppose to have a newborn baby to care for vs. delivering a baby who's heart was still beating and then passes away... and my entire family is trying to take care of me! My thoughts keep going along all unpredictable events that happened so far. I had a conversation with my nanny today about how unpredictable life can be. She later said well, the guy up there wouldn't give a challenge that you can't manage. I want to believe that but I am unsure. Did god really give me a challenge that he really thinks I can beat it or he wants to make me stronger cause I'm weak? I don't know anymore. I don't want to think anymore about it but I find it hard now that I start to feel a little bored, not doing much these days other than trying to rest more to recover. I also had a conversation with my husband a few days back how I felt like being a good person gets no rewards. At one point, I felt like I need to be a bad person moving forward - whatever that means. He told me that he also had some crazy thoughts like this too before. I guess after going through and facing 'life & death', literally twice now for us in a short period of time, your brain gets a good smack! I know I can't think like this, and likely won't be a bad person coming out of all this. I must continue to try to stay good: be a good citizen, family member, friend, and colleague. I have always believed in retribution. If you're bad, you will pay the price for it somehow. Also, if you live too good and not do any good to help others, you will also pay your dues!
Other thoughts been going through my mind is trying to decide if I should read my own blog from the beginning. I was trying to find strength during my chemo a week ago and thought maybe reading my own blog can help since everyone been telling me how after they read my blog, they all comment how strong I have been etc... So, if people thinks I am strong after reading my blog, I should feel strong reading my own blog... right? However, I didn't do that. I was scared that I won't be any stronger but just going to end up in tears for reading old and sad memories. I decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, and just bare the pain I had at that time and praying for the clock to tick faster so that the nurse can remove my chemo plastic tube. Speaking about staying strong and being strong... what does that mean? I've been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about the word 'strong'. I think there are many types and ways to express this but I thought about only 2 versions right now. There are two types of people who can be strong but only 1 is the ultimate 'strong' person. The first type is someone who is constantly challenging themselves and trying different things outside of their comfort zone. This person seeks challenge that many won't consider and will try to achieve it. For example, maybe climbing Mount Everest, sky diving, etc.... These people are strong and courageous! However, those challenges are by choice. Not forced to do it. They build great strengths and skills to make themselves look and feel strong but I don't view these people as the 'ultimate strong' people in life. The 2nd type of strong people are those who didn't choose the challenge but needs to face it. Whether you like it or not, the challenge is life and death. Strengths must be found and sometimes, people can't find it or don't even have the chance to fight. For example, imagine yourself waking up the next day where what you do doesn't matter anymore. Mother nature decided to throw a Tsunami in your face. It is all about you, your family and survival. Are you going to live? What happens to your house? What about your family, maybe they just died from drowning in this crazy disaster? Who cares how much you have or have not accomplished.... are you going to live and how will you live is the big standing question. If you're still living, you got nothing now. Your home is gone, everything you own is gone, and now you got the entire city with dead, sick, and injured people around you. You might be living now, but you can easily catch an infection because of this mess. How are you going to manage your life now? If you want a sense of how this is like, watch the movie called "The Impossible" because in real life it is much worst than this. How about another example.... you wake up and your country decided to have a war around you! Can you fleet that fast? Perhaps if you have the money. But if not, guess what, guns and bombs aren't far away and maybe you will be hit with one before you know it. And of course, being critical ill like having cancer or going through a heart attack etc... are all examples of challenges that many people need to face not by choice. There are probably a lot of different examples that we can continue to call out but this is what I call the 'ultimate' strong people; Either you go through this or someone you love goes through it as you stand by their side. It is very different from the ones who constantly try to challenge themselves daily, it is not the same type of being 'strong'. These are the people that are put through a true life test of 'how strong are you'. You don't know how strong you can be until you really got no choice. The focus is all about survival for you and your family. For me, going through this nightmare of life threatening events have changed my views when people say that person is "strong". The comment 'you are so strong' has a total different meaning to me.
One last thought been triggering my mind all week is the decision on what to do in the future and how much of my life/goals need to be changed. Since my last blog, I had a short conversation with my husband o how people will view me if I do or not change my goals in life. I told him that I know some family or friends might tell me to drop what I want to do in life because of what I have been going through. My husband shared with me his point of views on all of this. He pointed out that he agrees with me that I should follow my heart and go ahead continue to believe and try to achieve the goals I have set for myself. He made a comment about the only people who thinks you shouldn't follow your goals, change them, and/or drop some of it are the people who normally don't have much goals or interest in their own life. He said that I am a goal-getter, it overwhelms those who are not. LOL.... big laugh I had when he said this but comes to think more about it, I don't think my husband is totally wrong. Whatever it is, I truly don't care what people thinks. Like it or not, I am going to follow what I want to do in life and as long I have my husband support, that is good enough. What is right and wrong anyway? It is whatever we believe in.... right? Sometimes, I feel like my mind is sitting on a fence and can't really fall on either side.
Alright moving away from all thoughts, I got exactly 2 more weeks to go before my 2nd last chemo!!! OMG - I wish it was the last one!!! Boy do I not want to have this darn 8 inch plastic tube in my arm and vein! I really hope they can find a good vein on my left arm vs. my right. I am still feeling a little bruised on my right arm. Oh gosh.... I just need to stop thinking about all of this. Freakin' myself out ahead of time is no good!! I need to stop!!! I am going to finish off with a prayer for a dear friend's baby and for her family. My friend's baby just went through an unprecedented lung surgery. I am not exactly sure about the whole story but it certainly broke my heart when I heard about it. It bothered my mind all week and from time to time, I cannot help but to stop during the day and pray:
Dear Lord,
You know my friend so much better than I do. You know her sickness and the burden she carries. You also know her heart. Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now as you work in his life. Lord, let your will be done in my friend's life. If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help her to see her need and confess.
Lord, I pray for my friend just as your Word tells me to pray, for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord, to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why my friend has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort her with your presence.
Let my friend know you are there with her through this difficulty. Give him strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be glorified in her life and also in mine.
Amen.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Another Treatment Completed!
After getting chemo drugs for 5 days on a row where I spent 1 day in the hospital and the rest of it at home, I am so glad that it is over! Too bad, I still have 2 more rounds of these to go. When they told me that they will insert a longer plastic tube needle inside my vein, I thought it was like a finger long. Only on Monday, when my dad brought me back to the hospital to get the stuff removed, I then found out really how long that plastic needle was!! Both my dad and I were so surprised to see the length of that thing inside my arm. It was no jokes, literally 8 inches long!! The length between my elbow and shoulders! No wonder my right arm felt so paralyzed... skinny arm, skinny veins, and got this freakin' long tube inside of it! The past 5 nights, I was only able to sleep on my back. For some reason, my GI tube was hurting me a little as well, so I couldn't rotate. My left shoulder blade is killing me... not sure if I pulled a muscle or this pain is a result of sleeping too much on my back! Now, I have approx. 3.5 weeks of break before the next round of chemo - yes.. 2nd last one!!!!! I cannot wait! Hate to see another long plastic tube get inserted again... :(
Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal! I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs! Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!! So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp! :( I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping! It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour! She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds! She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work. I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July. So, I must wait. The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea. I really want this tube gone!!! So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably.... Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.
Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience. I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback. It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas that I believe could make a difference for future patients. I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone. I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out. The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week! I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves! It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous. The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions. Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help. 3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..) It is so important!!! When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it. It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different. Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment. I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress. People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't! There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help. Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it. And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick! So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this? Go figure!
Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me. I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself. We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about. So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it. We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this.... whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this." She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time...... She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?" I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life. This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control! Of course it changed my life! If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc... Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!! The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals.... I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?! It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience
Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B. I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me.... Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it. But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life? What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child? My goals are fairly basic: continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business. I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it. So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully. I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live. I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.
Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky. Why? Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well. The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver! I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time. I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care. Totally blessed! The support that I have been getting truly amazes me! I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me? I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care. So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)
Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal! I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs! Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!! So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp! :( I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping! It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour! She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds! She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work. I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July. So, I must wait. The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea. I really want this tube gone!!! So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably.... Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.
Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience. I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback. It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas that I believe could make a difference for future patients. I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone. I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out. The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week! I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves! It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous. The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions. Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help. 3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..) It is so important!!! When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it. It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different. Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment. I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress. People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't! There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help. Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it. And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick! So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this? Go figure!
Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me. I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself. We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about. So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it. We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this.... whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this." She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time...... She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?" I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life. This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control! Of course it changed my life! If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc... Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!! The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals.... I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?! It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience
Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B. I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me.... Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it. But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life? What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child? My goals are fairly basic: continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business. I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it. So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully. I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live. I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.
Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky. Why? Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well. The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver! I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time. I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care. Totally blessed! The support that I have been getting truly amazes me! I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me? I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care. So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)
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