Yes, if you were wondering why I haven't blogged, week 4 certainly took a toll on me! I am finally feeling a bit better and decided to blog. Last Monday was when the downhill started, I woke up with a MEGA soar throat and after the radiation treatment, I was falling apart. I still managed to eat food via the mouth but it took me 3-4 hrs to do it. Comes Tuesday last week, I asked for some pain killer. Doctor prescribed me morphine in the hope to control my pain. The side effect of taking the morphine is that it would cause constipation so they also prescribed me these stool softening drugs. Trying to eat on Tuesday was sure a painful exercise. Morphine doesn't kick in right away so anything I put in my mouth including water would burn my entire throat. It would burn so much that I was shivering and clenching my teeth for minutes because it was so painful. On Tuesday, I received a sweet gift at my door. My boss at work baked me these lovely whipped buttercookies that I was craving for and she shipped it to me. Although I couldnt't eat, just looking at the tint, and the card she sent me reminded me to hang in and chin up. I cannot wait to melt one of those cookies in my mouth when the treatments are all over! The side effects didn't stop coming. On Wednesday, I decided to take the stool softening drug because I was told take it as soon as I take the morphine. But in a few hours, my entire upper torso rashed up and itched the hell out of me! Keep in mind, my throat is still hurting, I'm tired, lack of appetite and the nauseated feeling is coming in stronger. I had to stop all painkiller drugs which made me suffer more. I know I have to eat but I couldn't with so much pain. I decided to use the GI Tube and pump 3-4 bottles of Ensure because my body needs nutrition to stay strong. Thursday is when I received my 2nd treatment of chemo. What made the experience worst is the nurse who wasn't able to locate my vein! OMG! Don't they insert IV all day long?! She poked me 3x times before finding the vein! My left arm has more than 6 needle poking scars, and my right arm is rashed up from being allergic to the painkilling or stool softening drugs. OMG! By Thursday, I had a rush of anger or vengeance..... I couldn't help but to feel like "WHAT THE HELL". I told myself that this freakin' experience has caused so much sadness and made all my love ones miserable, I cannot let this cancer win. It was hard to eat with the nauseated feeling and not wanting to eat but I forced myself to do it anyway. Also, I managed to take some food via the mouth in addition to using the GI tube. I keep telling myself that I must stay strong. Last week, I missed 5 big events: 4 birthdays and 1 anniversay. It was my parents 33 years wedding anniversary. I feel so sad that this is how they are celebrating their anniversary this year. I mean... normally they don't even celebrate it but I just can't help but to feel sad for them. Anyway....this experience was not a choice that I chose. However, I chose to fight and stay strong. Therefore, I cannot give up. It takes so much courage to hang in there and I have to say that I almost lost it last week.
My parents ended up catching a cold so since last Friday, I've been hibernating at my uncle/aunt house downtown. They are so kind and been bringing me to treatment and taking care of me like their daughter. I cannot go home because my immune is weak and do not want to take any chance. I banned my parents from seeing me until they are at least 2 days clear from their cold. Looks like I can finally be able to go home this Friday.
Week 5 is coming to an end soon. 2 more weeks of radiation treatments and 4 more dose of chemo ahead. It seems like it's going to go by fast but unfortunately in my world right now, time seems like years. Once the treatment is over, I've been told that all side effects will remain for a while and I will need a lot of time to rest and recover. I always know that people who are fighting cancer is real tough experience but I really had not idea how difficult and challenging it is until now. Words cannot express the daily challenge that I face and the feelings that run through my mind. There's nothing worst than to not feel well, nauseated, super soar throat and trying to force myself to eat. I cannot wait to capture the light at the end of this tunnel.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
TGIF - Week 3 Finally Over!
TGIF! Week 3 somewhat flew by quickly but those radiation side effects are hitting me much harder! Face is looking more pink, slight tenderness on my neck, losing HAIR like crazy at the back of my head just above my neck, mouth is super dry, and getting a slight soar throat on the right side. I've been applying my SK-II Essence, La Mer Creme, Aloe Vera Gel and Proshield on my face and neck like crazy (3-4x a day)! Hopefully, my skin doesn't peel and rip apart! Drinking lots of water and soup trying to keep my mouth and throat moist at all times. Also, I got a humidifier running at night to help with the dryness. To reduce and possibly prevent sores in my mouth, I rinse with baking soda water every hour and every time after I eat. To keep my teeth nice and strong, every night I must put on these fluoride trays. As for the losing hair part, at first I thought I was going to go bald and was ready to donate my beautiful locks before I start treatment. However, the nurse told me that I won't be losing all my hair. She said that I will lose only at the back, the section closest to my neck. I can barely talk and chose not to talk or see anyone. Trying to preserve as much as energy as possible so that my body can focus on healing damaged areas and killing the c-cells! 2 good news are that I feel really proud of after my treatment today: 1 - I'm still trying to eat via the mouth vs. using the GI tube, 2 - My weight remained stable!!! Hopefully, I can keep up with the eating and maintaining my weight. I've already lost 3-4 Lbs last week due to the GI surgery... so not good if I lose more weight. Next week is a super busy week! Not only I have my daily radiation treatments, I will be going for my 2nd dose of chemo, checking in with the dentist and eye doctors.
Every day and night, I pray to God asking him to give me more strengths to fight this battle. I ask him to recreate me so that all inflammation and infections are flushed out of my system. I ask for his help to rebuild any damaged areas with strong and healthy cells. I ask for his help to keep every one who is trying to help me healthy and strong. I thank him for surrounding me so many people, and I really mean MANY people.. easily over 300 of people who are either praying or helping me to get well. These people are family members, medical professionals, acquaintances, and strangers. I can't imagine fighting this battle without any of these folks - unfortunately, at the hospital, I see a lot of people who are in a much worst situation than myself and many only have a handful of people who are praying and helping them. The lady that I rent a parking spot from close to my workplace in North York, called me twice in the past 7 weeks. She called to see how I was doing and that she wanted me to know that she is praying for me. I am so surprised that for someone that I barely interact with would go all the way out to call me and wish me well. This past week, she left me a message on my voicemail box, saying that she cannot wait to see me well with that beautiful smile that I always had on my face. This is one of many surprises that I have been receiving. I am grateful and feel very fortunate. I keep telling myself that I must try to stay positive at all times. I don't know how to thank every single individual who wish me well but to also pray for each one of you who are helping and/or praying for me. I add to my prayers every day asking God to not let anyone that I know (i.e. family, friends, colleagues, etc..) and care about me to go through what I have. I asked that he gives every one a 2nd chance to reflect life and make some lifestyle changes. I pray to God to give the same power that he is giving me to everyone a healthy and long life. Words cannot express my gratitude and appreciation for every small and big things that everyone are doing for me - Many thank yous to all of you!
A card that I received from my cousin constantly helps and remind me what I got to fight this battle. The message on the card says: "Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you've got... and you've got a lot - a kind heart, an amazing spirit, and people who really care about you." Also, a very thoughtful mama friend of mine is leaving for her Mexico trip sent away her motivational quote to help me get thru next week.."Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." - Helen Keller. May week 4 be like the past few weeks, smooth sailing and fly by even faster!
My next blog topic - Money is not everything but no money is like no oxygen.
Every day and night, I pray to God asking him to give me more strengths to fight this battle. I ask him to recreate me so that all inflammation and infections are flushed out of my system. I ask for his help to rebuild any damaged areas with strong and healthy cells. I ask for his help to keep every one who is trying to help me healthy and strong. I thank him for surrounding me so many people, and I really mean MANY people.. easily over 300 of people who are either praying or helping me to get well. These people are family members, medical professionals, acquaintances, and strangers. I can't imagine fighting this battle without any of these folks - unfortunately, at the hospital, I see a lot of people who are in a much worst situation than myself and many only have a handful of people who are praying and helping them. The lady that I rent a parking spot from close to my workplace in North York, called me twice in the past 7 weeks. She called to see how I was doing and that she wanted me to know that she is praying for me. I am so surprised that for someone that I barely interact with would go all the way out to call me and wish me well. This past week, she left me a message on my voicemail box, saying that she cannot wait to see me well with that beautiful smile that I always had on my face. This is one of many surprises that I have been receiving. I am grateful and feel very fortunate. I keep telling myself that I must try to stay positive at all times. I don't know how to thank every single individual who wish me well but to also pray for each one of you who are helping and/or praying for me. I add to my prayers every day asking God to not let anyone that I know (i.e. family, friends, colleagues, etc..) and care about me to go through what I have. I asked that he gives every one a 2nd chance to reflect life and make some lifestyle changes. I pray to God to give the same power that he is giving me to everyone a healthy and long life. Words cannot express my gratitude and appreciation for every small and big things that everyone are doing for me - Many thank yous to all of you!
A card that I received from my cousin constantly helps and remind me what I got to fight this battle. The message on the card says: "Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you've got... and you've got a lot - a kind heart, an amazing spirit, and people who really care about you." Also, a very thoughtful mama friend of mine is leaving for her Mexico trip sent away her motivational quote to help me get thru next week.."Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." - Helen Keller. May week 4 be like the past few weeks, smooth sailing and fly by even faster!
My next blog topic - Money is not everything but no money is like no oxygen.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thoughts before starting week 3
It has been a quiet and somewhat relaxing long weekend by staying at home. So glad that I have 3 days of break before the start of another week of treatments. All I have been doing is trying to eat, sleep, walk around the house, and stay calm. I can't help but to think if I was normal, these 5 things are the easiest thing to do. But because I am not well, these activities are so hard and consumes so much of my energy. Trying to eat has been by far my biggest daily challenge next to sleeping. I have to find ways to get myself eating more food such as telling my own brain that I am hungry, my body needs food to replenish and build strong cells, and there are lot of people out there who don't have food would love to be in my spot etc... I wonder all the time when will I finally recover and start to taste the food the way it is supposed to be. The doctor said that it may take a few months to a year after all my treatments are completed before I get my taste buds back. He also warned me that some people will lose it permanently. Whatever it will be, hopefully this is temporarily! Given that I'm trying to eat more now, hopefully, my body stays strong and will recover quickly. ^_^
I'm grateful to have a strong husband. Although I make fun of him that he can't tolerate physical pain well, however, he can certainly tolerate high levels of emotional pain. I used to take care of everything at home, from cleaning to cooking, feed/bath the little one to managing all household finances, bills, files etc... a portion of it got dumped on my hub's shoulders in the past 2 weeks. It has been a rough ride for him as it has for me. It also doesn't help when our little Jacob throws out all those toddler's tantrums that we hear about. My husband ended up sick for the past few days. I also know that it has been real hard for him to watch me suffer and there's nothing he can do. It also hurts me that I can't do any of the stuff I used to - for now. Hopefully, short term pain really means long term gain for all of us :)
Not sure how much of my recent experiences have impacted everyone around me but it sure does impact me greatly! I keep thinking, I was a healthy person wasn't I? I never smoke or do any drugs, drink mostly water for the majority of my entire life (with some occasional alcohol :p), I don't drink coffee, tea seldomly, cook and eat at home 75% of the time, no raw sushi or anything that is raw like oysters.... I do have my junk food days (ie. pizza, mcdonald, chips etc..) but again, I think I try my best to have a healthy diet as much as possible already. Also, I don't have any family history of critical illness (i.e. heart attack, cancer, etc...). I pro-actively check in with my family doctor and dentist on a regular basis for all my life. All my pots and pans are stainless steels except for 1 small non-stick fryer. I use glass Tupperware vs. plastics majority of the time. We barely use microwave. When it comes to canned food, I have less than 15 year round. For many years, we don't even buy instant noodles and eat it so rarely! For most people who knows me, would probably agree that I have a crazy active life and likes a clean (dust & clutter free) home! So WTH?! Who would have guessed that I would end up with this? At one point, I thought once my treatment is over, I'm gonna drop everything that I believed in and stop doing what I did. Maybe all I did is too much.... Maybe I do need some bacteria around, and eat more of the unhealthy stuff. Just a thought! However, I'm not going to do this. If anything, I need to be EVEN more careful what I put in my mouth and take everything that I did even more seriously!!! If I want to live a long life with my husband, achieve the goals we have in mind, watch our kids grow older and be there when we get grandchildren, take care my parents and in-laws, and enjoy more of everything....... more changes needs to happen. It starts with diet and exercise. Although I have always been active, the past 2-3 years, I dropped the word 'workout' out of the picture. I do mow the lawn, shovel snow, and clean the house.. but I guess this is not enough! Anything can be bought with money but not life. So, what more would I do differently? Beef is my favorite!! I love those Beef jerky and anything that has to do be with Beef. But since the day I found out about my health, I prayed and told god that if he can give help me recover and give me a healthy long life, I will cut beef out of my diet completely. I have always made sure I have carbs, 1 meat dish and 1 veggie dish on the table. Now, the entree should be vegetables vs. meat. Meat should act as a side. I think I'll move my diet more to fish and seafood vs. chicken and pork. Also, gonna make sure my fridge is filled with delicious and assorted fruits at all times!
Last but not the least, I think it all starts with the right mind set. If I feel good, my body will feel good. If I am positive, my body will make more good cells to fight what is bad vs. exhausting my happy cells to make me feel happy. If I can try to stay calm and remind myself to breath when I feel pain or faced with a tough situation, my body will be able to answer the situation right away. All easy said than done but I managed to do it last week! I must remind myself to not let my emotions take over as we move into week 3 of the treatment plan. I know I'm still climbing this tall mountain, I haven't reached the top yet. I cannot wait to get there and jump freely! My mind is already set on pulling a life celebration party at my home this summer when this is all over, inviting everyone that I know! That's my target and I will get there. :)
I didn't know my blog was inspiring, motivating, and helping people who knows me and strangers to reflect on their own life. My blogging intention off from the gecko is to have a place for me to spill my emotions, thoughts, and progress. Somewhere for me to keep everyone who cares about me up to date on how I feel and what is happening. Since I am not allowing visitors, and not talking these days until my treatment is over, I thought instead of me repeating a gazillion time every single update, a blog is probably a good thing to do. I'm glad that I am helping people while I'm not well. People always fascinate me and perhaps answer the reason why I chose business development as a career - an opportunity to be extravert and meet more people. I would love to hear more from everyone how my experience has changed or not changed their lives.
I am looking forward to Friday already! Although tomorrow is only Monday, this doesn't mean that I can't have the 'Friday' feeling every day.... so, I'm gonna try to keep those happy "Friday" day feeling over the next 5 days - blast off C cells!!
My past week favorite quotes from friends....
"Sometimes life does throw you lemons.... but it's up to us to turn them into lemonades"
I'll always remember my boss's favorite saying.... "This sucks. It's bad but we'll get through this.... Chin up"
"You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life. "
I'm grateful to have a strong husband. Although I make fun of him that he can't tolerate physical pain well, however, he can certainly tolerate high levels of emotional pain. I used to take care of everything at home, from cleaning to cooking, feed/bath the little one to managing all household finances, bills, files etc... a portion of it got dumped on my hub's shoulders in the past 2 weeks. It has been a rough ride for him as it has for me. It also doesn't help when our little Jacob throws out all those toddler's tantrums that we hear about. My husband ended up sick for the past few days. I also know that it has been real hard for him to watch me suffer and there's nothing he can do. It also hurts me that I can't do any of the stuff I used to - for now. Hopefully, short term pain really means long term gain for all of us :)
Not sure how much of my recent experiences have impacted everyone around me but it sure does impact me greatly! I keep thinking, I was a healthy person wasn't I? I never smoke or do any drugs, drink mostly water for the majority of my entire life (with some occasional alcohol :p), I don't drink coffee, tea seldomly, cook and eat at home 75% of the time, no raw sushi or anything that is raw like oysters.... I do have my junk food days (ie. pizza, mcdonald, chips etc..) but again, I think I try my best to have a healthy diet as much as possible already. Also, I don't have any family history of critical illness (i.e. heart attack, cancer, etc...). I pro-actively check in with my family doctor and dentist on a regular basis for all my life. All my pots and pans are stainless steels except for 1 small non-stick fryer. I use glass Tupperware vs. plastics majority of the time. We barely use microwave. When it comes to canned food, I have less than 15 year round. For many years, we don't even buy instant noodles and eat it so rarely! For most people who knows me, would probably agree that I have a crazy active life and likes a clean (dust & clutter free) home! So WTH?! Who would have guessed that I would end up with this? At one point, I thought once my treatment is over, I'm gonna drop everything that I believed in and stop doing what I did. Maybe all I did is too much.... Maybe I do need some bacteria around, and eat more of the unhealthy stuff. Just a thought! However, I'm not going to do this. If anything, I need to be EVEN more careful what I put in my mouth and take everything that I did even more seriously!!! If I want to live a long life with my husband, achieve the goals we have in mind, watch our kids grow older and be there when we get grandchildren, take care my parents and in-laws, and enjoy more of everything....... more changes needs to happen. It starts with diet and exercise. Although I have always been active, the past 2-3 years, I dropped the word 'workout' out of the picture. I do mow the lawn, shovel snow, and clean the house.. but I guess this is not enough! Anything can be bought with money but not life. So, what more would I do differently? Beef is my favorite!! I love those Beef jerky and anything that has to do be with Beef. But since the day I found out about my health, I prayed and told god that if he can give help me recover and give me a healthy long life, I will cut beef out of my diet completely. I have always made sure I have carbs, 1 meat dish and 1 veggie dish on the table. Now, the entree should be vegetables vs. meat. Meat should act as a side. I think I'll move my diet more to fish and seafood vs. chicken and pork. Also, gonna make sure my fridge is filled with delicious and assorted fruits at all times!
Last but not the least, I think it all starts with the right mind set. If I feel good, my body will feel good. If I am positive, my body will make more good cells to fight what is bad vs. exhausting my happy cells to make me feel happy. If I can try to stay calm and remind myself to breath when I feel pain or faced with a tough situation, my body will be able to answer the situation right away. All easy said than done but I managed to do it last week! I must remind myself to not let my emotions take over as we move into week 3 of the treatment plan. I know I'm still climbing this tall mountain, I haven't reached the top yet. I cannot wait to get there and jump freely! My mind is already set on pulling a life celebration party at my home this summer when this is all over, inviting everyone that I know! That's my target and I will get there. :)
I didn't know my blog was inspiring, motivating, and helping people who knows me and strangers to reflect on their own life. My blogging intention off from the gecko is to have a place for me to spill my emotions, thoughts, and progress. Somewhere for me to keep everyone who cares about me up to date on how I feel and what is happening. Since I am not allowing visitors, and not talking these days until my treatment is over, I thought instead of me repeating a gazillion time every single update, a blog is probably a good thing to do. I'm glad that I am helping people while I'm not well. People always fascinate me and perhaps answer the reason why I chose business development as a career - an opportunity to be extravert and meet more people. I would love to hear more from everyone how my experience has changed or not changed their lives.
I am looking forward to Friday already! Although tomorrow is only Monday, this doesn't mean that I can't have the 'Friday' feeling every day.... so, I'm gonna try to keep those happy "Friday" day feeling over the next 5 days - blast off C cells!!
My past week favorite quotes from friends....
"Sometimes life does throw you lemons.... but it's up to us to turn them into lemonades"
I'll always remember my boss's favorite saying.... "This sucks. It's bad but we'll get through this.... Chin up"
"You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life. "
Friday, March 29, 2013
Week 2 - Overcoming another hurdle
Finally came back home after spending 4 days downtown. A glance at my crazy week:
Monday: Radiation treatment and no food by midnight. Stayed at a hotel.
Tuesday: No Food, no water, and GI Tube Surgery. Stayed at PMH overnight.
Wednesday: Finally, 1st sip of water around 11am, and food at 1pm. 2 Radiation treatments and stayed at a hotel.
Thursday: Radiation treatment, see Specialist for weekly check-up, and see Chinese herbalist for follow-up and finally home at 7pm.
How do I feel? So glad that this week is over! OMG! I definitely lost my appetite to eat this week and it's not good. I have almost no more saliva which makes chewing food very difficult. Everything has a metallic/bitter taste, and my stomach still hurts from the GI tube insertion. It takes well over an hour for me to eat, if I can, half of bowl of something. Forcing myself to eat kills so much of my energy... no choice....must be done in order to regenerate new cells and keep my immune strong.
How was the GI surgery and process? It was pretty brutal but better than I expected. My strategy pre-surgery for the entire Tuesday was to stay in bed until after my surgery. I barely talk because my mouth was also dry. I gave my cellphone to my dad because I don't want to do anything to burn any calories since I didn't eat. I had to do my best to preserve my energy for the surgery and recovery so I only left my bed if I need to. Around 2pm, I was sent to TGH for the surgery but I had to wait 2hrs before they really took me in for it! When they took me inside the procedure room, they didn't knock me out completely. Also, I had to help them get this tube in from my mouth down to the stomach... they numb my throat a bit but I still felt everything. The doc told me that I may vomit during this process and it's normal. I told myself to relax as much as I can and cooperate because I don't want to vomit. I got nothing to vomit and it'll only make things worst. I actually almost gag but didn't and managed to stay strong somehow. Maybe the moment I was about to gag, I heard the doc said 'good the tube is in now' helped me stay relaxed and focus. Once the tube was in, I remember the drugs kicking in. I was feeling in and out of it. I remember feeling some crazy pressure and then pain when they punctured through my stomach. When the procedure was done, I was transported back to PMH and I slept for 2-3 hrs. Finally around 8pm, I woke up and I vomited. OMG!!! IT WAS SO PAINFUL!!! The nurse said that it was normal that my stomach acid came out. When I was ready, I had my dad and nurse help me get up sitting on the bed. I wanted to get up and walk around to help the recovery process. It sounds brutal to get up and walk after the surgery but in fact, I had to, I wanted to and the Doc told me to. Because I was in bed for almost 24 hrs, I need to get my circulation going and release any air that was pumped into my stomach during the procedure. I don't want my other organs to stop working. If I don't walk, the recovery would take even longer. When I finally managed to get myself up sitting on the bed, I remembered turning pale and felt blood gushing down. Before you know, I vomit for the 2nd time. OMG!! I tried to stay calm and focus on my breathing to relax and help soon the terrible pain. I remember leaning on the nurse shoulder for maybe 5 min. before opening my eyes and try again to slowly push myself to standing position. What a process and before you know, I was walking very slowly, went to the washroom, and did maybe 5 trips down the hallway. By around 11pm, the nurse gave me anti-nausea meds via IV and it totally knocked me out until 5am.
The next day I felt better but still in pain. I had 1 cough and it killed me! I was sooooo hungry and thirsty. Finally after my first round of radiation treatment in the morning, they let me sipping away water and suck on ice chips. Too bad losing weight is not an option here otherwise, I think I can go become a model again on the runway! I had to wait until 12pm to eat to give enough time for my stomach to recover. I called my dad and told him to bring me a Macchicken only, I need to try to eat it... I needed to pound up some calories for not eating for a whole day. The hospital brought me lunch but it was OMG nasty... literally a slice of wheat bread with a slice of cheddar cheese. I ate half of it anyway. My body needs nutrients to help me recover. Once the 2nd radiation treatment was over, left the hospital, checked in at the hilton hotel with my dad, did a round of walking, ate the dinner that my aunt made me, and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep and before you know, my stomach CRAMPED UP! I was in so much pain and could barely breath properly. It lasted for like 5 min. but sure felt like it was forever. It was so freakin' painful...! But when the cramp was over, I realized that I didn't even shed a single tear. I don't know if it is a good thing or what but I guess my threshold for pain is pretty high. My husband asked me how is it compared to the Csection and the natural delivery that I had, I would probably rank the pain up there with the c-section but a bit less. I also said, if it was my husband, I don't think he will be able to handle this kind of pain. I once brought him for a facial, he teared up when the facialist was just trying to extract blackhead. My hub didn't disagree with me. He said that he don't know how many people can handle pain like I can. Not sure if he's complimenting me, or encouraging me.. whatever it is, I'll take it!
This week has been rough and tested me in every way! But I made it - with all of your help. Many of you sent me messages, prayed, and kept me going. Every time I am down a little, somehow I get a positive message that reminds me that I must fight. Thank you very much!! I keep telling myself every time I experiencing pain that I can't give up. 2 weeks finished and I worked too hard already. I must continue to work harder to earn my life back. I must also thank god for giving me strong parents to stand by my side and not spoiling me when I was young. Looking back, they didn't give me everything that I wanted when I was young. I cared when I was young but honestly, as I got older, I got over it. I didn't get my first barbie doll until I was like 12! The good thing out of this that started from a young age it taught me to learn to earn everything that I want. Life is not easy. If it is too easy, when there are dilemmas most people who had it too easy don't know how to handle it. If my parents gave me everything and an easy life, I am certain that I would not be able to fight this battle the way I have. I struggle sometimes trying to figure out how to teach my own child how to earn what he wants. I hope my perseverance, strong will to battle, and current life experience will be a meaningful one for him to be a good and useful human being one day.
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential; These are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence." - Confucius
Monday: Radiation treatment and no food by midnight. Stayed at a hotel.
Tuesday: No Food, no water, and GI Tube Surgery. Stayed at PMH overnight.
Wednesday: Finally, 1st sip of water around 11am, and food at 1pm. 2 Radiation treatments and stayed at a hotel.
Thursday: Radiation treatment, see Specialist for weekly check-up, and see Chinese herbalist for follow-up and finally home at 7pm.
How do I feel? So glad that this week is over! OMG! I definitely lost my appetite to eat this week and it's not good. I have almost no more saliva which makes chewing food very difficult. Everything has a metallic/bitter taste, and my stomach still hurts from the GI tube insertion. It takes well over an hour for me to eat, if I can, half of bowl of something. Forcing myself to eat kills so much of my energy... no choice....must be done in order to regenerate new cells and keep my immune strong.
How was the GI surgery and process? It was pretty brutal but better than I expected. My strategy pre-surgery for the entire Tuesday was to stay in bed until after my surgery. I barely talk because my mouth was also dry. I gave my cellphone to my dad because I don't want to do anything to burn any calories since I didn't eat. I had to do my best to preserve my energy for the surgery and recovery so I only left my bed if I need to. Around 2pm, I was sent to TGH for the surgery but I had to wait 2hrs before they really took me in for it! When they took me inside the procedure room, they didn't knock me out completely. Also, I had to help them get this tube in from my mouth down to the stomach... they numb my throat a bit but I still felt everything. The doc told me that I may vomit during this process and it's normal. I told myself to relax as much as I can and cooperate because I don't want to vomit. I got nothing to vomit and it'll only make things worst. I actually almost gag but didn't and managed to stay strong somehow. Maybe the moment I was about to gag, I heard the doc said 'good the tube is in now' helped me stay relaxed and focus. Once the tube was in, I remember the drugs kicking in. I was feeling in and out of it. I remember feeling some crazy pressure and then pain when they punctured through my stomach. When the procedure was done, I was transported back to PMH and I slept for 2-3 hrs. Finally around 8pm, I woke up and I vomited. OMG!!! IT WAS SO PAINFUL!!! The nurse said that it was normal that my stomach acid came out. When I was ready, I had my dad and nurse help me get up sitting on the bed. I wanted to get up and walk around to help the recovery process. It sounds brutal to get up and walk after the surgery but in fact, I had to, I wanted to and the Doc told me to. Because I was in bed for almost 24 hrs, I need to get my circulation going and release any air that was pumped into my stomach during the procedure. I don't want my other organs to stop working. If I don't walk, the recovery would take even longer. When I finally managed to get myself up sitting on the bed, I remembered turning pale and felt blood gushing down. Before you know, I vomit for the 2nd time. OMG!! I tried to stay calm and focus on my breathing to relax and help soon the terrible pain. I remember leaning on the nurse shoulder for maybe 5 min. before opening my eyes and try again to slowly push myself to standing position. What a process and before you know, I was walking very slowly, went to the washroom, and did maybe 5 trips down the hallway. By around 11pm, the nurse gave me anti-nausea meds via IV and it totally knocked me out until 5am.
The next day I felt better but still in pain. I had 1 cough and it killed me! I was sooooo hungry and thirsty. Finally after my first round of radiation treatment in the morning, they let me sipping away water and suck on ice chips. Too bad losing weight is not an option here otherwise, I think I can go become a model again on the runway! I had to wait until 12pm to eat to give enough time for my stomach to recover. I called my dad and told him to bring me a Macchicken only, I need to try to eat it... I needed to pound up some calories for not eating for a whole day. The hospital brought me lunch but it was OMG nasty... literally a slice of wheat bread with a slice of cheddar cheese. I ate half of it anyway. My body needs nutrients to help me recover. Once the 2nd radiation treatment was over, left the hospital, checked in at the hilton hotel with my dad, did a round of walking, ate the dinner that my aunt made me, and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep and before you know, my stomach CRAMPED UP! I was in so much pain and could barely breath properly. It lasted for like 5 min. but sure felt like it was forever. It was so freakin' painful...! But when the cramp was over, I realized that I didn't even shed a single tear. I don't know if it is a good thing or what but I guess my threshold for pain is pretty high. My husband asked me how is it compared to the Csection and the natural delivery that I had, I would probably rank the pain up there with the c-section but a bit less. I also said, if it was my husband, I don't think he will be able to handle this kind of pain. I once brought him for a facial, he teared up when the facialist was just trying to extract blackhead. My hub didn't disagree with me. He said that he don't know how many people can handle pain like I can. Not sure if he's complimenting me, or encouraging me.. whatever it is, I'll take it!
This week has been rough and tested me in every way! But I made it - with all of your help. Many of you sent me messages, prayed, and kept me going. Every time I am down a little, somehow I get a positive message that reminds me that I must fight. Thank you very much!! I keep telling myself every time I experiencing pain that I can't give up. 2 weeks finished and I worked too hard already. I must continue to work harder to earn my life back. I must also thank god for giving me strong parents to stand by my side and not spoiling me when I was young. Looking back, they didn't give me everything that I wanted when I was young. I cared when I was young but honestly, as I got older, I got over it. I didn't get my first barbie doll until I was like 12! The good thing out of this that started from a young age it taught me to learn to earn everything that I want. Life is not easy. If it is too easy, when there are dilemmas most people who had it too easy don't know how to handle it. If my parents gave me everything and an easy life, I am certain that I would not be able to fight this battle the way I have. I struggle sometimes trying to figure out how to teach my own child how to earn what he wants. I hope my perseverance, strong will to battle, and current life experience will be a meaningful one for him to be a good and useful human being one day.
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential; These are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence." - Confucius
Saturday, March 23, 2013
1 Week Down 6 More to Go
Finally, finished the first week of treatment. It was tough. It was not easy. Especially the day I had my first chemo and I had to stay overnight. You would think I'll be able to sleep through the night but no...it was like working an overnight shift. I was up almost every 1-2 hours either going to the washroom due to the amount of IV they gave me or waken up by the nurse to check my blood work and making sure I don't have a fever. Because I was sharing a room with another patient, she was up doing the same thing at different times. So, the entire night, I wasn't getting much sleep. My sense of taste starts to lose itself and my appetite has decreased already. My mouth is getting dryer so making every bite I chew is more difficult. Every time I talk, my mouth gets even more dry. I'm trying not to talk and preserve my energy as much as possible.
Finally the first week isn't finished. A lot tougher ones ahead, hopefully I don't hit the worst symptoms like my docs have mentioned to me. Next week, I will be staying downtown for the majority of the week. I will be getting my GI tube inserted, and since next week we have good Friday, my Wednesday treatment plan is intense, I will get 2 radiation sessions in one day. I'm banning everyone from visiting me as well as me going out. I need to a lot of rest, cannot be out in the sun due to sensitive skin, and I cannot catch anything so no malls, no restaurants etc...
Thank you all who have been praying, and sending me positive energy messages my way. I did feel like I was losing it at one point this week but with everyone sending me reminders how I must fight this battle keeps me going.
I came from a strong family that never gives up and will do their best to keep the family circle in tact. I'm very blessed that I have so many members in my family that fought so much in their life, just to live/survive. They are truly inspirational. I will share one of them: my grandma. She just turned 94 yesterday. She didn't have an easy life when she was young. She ran away from the Japanese war in china with grandpa and 3 daughters. She told me that back then people said that she was so stupid to drag her daughters along. They are just daughters and not sons. Many people told her to give up and just leave the girls behind since my grandparents had very little money. They suggest that she saves her own life instead. But my grandma didn't listen and persisted. She never gave up. She told me: "how could I leave them when I gave birth to them. I am their mother and cannot be selfish. If I leave them behind, they are so young, they will die and suffer and I will be the murder of my own children. My heart told me to try my best and if they all die, then at least we all die together." When she had food, she fed the kids first. I can't imagine the kind of stress and pain she was going through every single day. No money, don't know when they will have food to eat, and don't know if they will all survive. What a tough life and my grandma was only in her 20's. Her determination, love, beliefs, and strong will to battle led to her long life. A super happy one! She deserves it! She is not rich but she has great loving children. She has more than 13 grandchildren, and over 15 great-grandchildren soon. How many people do you know that lives this long, blessed with children, grandchildren, and so many great grandchildren?! She is so blessed to be able to see all grandchildren get married. Money cannot buy this. God has put her through a real rough test but she made it.
My grandma will be my motivation this coming week. To be determined, stay strong and the belief that I will beat it. It won't be easy but I must try. A quote sent from my friend: " Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.." by Winston Churchill.
Our thoughts become words. Our words become our actions. Our actions become habits and our habits will built our character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Finally finished my abstract Cherry Blossom painting:
Finally the first week isn't finished. A lot tougher ones ahead, hopefully I don't hit the worst symptoms like my docs have mentioned to me. Next week, I will be staying downtown for the majority of the week. I will be getting my GI tube inserted, and since next week we have good Friday, my Wednesday treatment plan is intense, I will get 2 radiation sessions in one day. I'm banning everyone from visiting me as well as me going out. I need to a lot of rest, cannot be out in the sun due to sensitive skin, and I cannot catch anything so no malls, no restaurants etc...
Thank you all who have been praying, and sending me positive energy messages my way. I did feel like I was losing it at one point this week but with everyone sending me reminders how I must fight this battle keeps me going.
I came from a strong family that never gives up and will do their best to keep the family circle in tact. I'm very blessed that I have so many members in my family that fought so much in their life, just to live/survive. They are truly inspirational. I will share one of them: my grandma. She just turned 94 yesterday. She didn't have an easy life when she was young. She ran away from the Japanese war in china with grandpa and 3 daughters. She told me that back then people said that she was so stupid to drag her daughters along. They are just daughters and not sons. Many people told her to give up and just leave the girls behind since my grandparents had very little money. They suggest that she saves her own life instead. But my grandma didn't listen and persisted. She never gave up. She told me: "how could I leave them when I gave birth to them. I am their mother and cannot be selfish. If I leave them behind, they are so young, they will die and suffer and I will be the murder of my own children. My heart told me to try my best and if they all die, then at least we all die together." When she had food, she fed the kids first. I can't imagine the kind of stress and pain she was going through every single day. No money, don't know when they will have food to eat, and don't know if they will all survive. What a tough life and my grandma was only in her 20's. Her determination, love, beliefs, and strong will to battle led to her long life. A super happy one! She deserves it! She is not rich but she has great loving children. She has more than 13 grandchildren, and over 15 great-grandchildren soon. How many people do you know that lives this long, blessed with children, grandchildren, and so many great grandchildren?! She is so blessed to be able to see all grandchildren get married. Money cannot buy this. God has put her through a real rough test but she made it.
My grandma will be my motivation this coming week. To be determined, stay strong and the belief that I will beat it. It won't be easy but I must try. A quote sent from my friend: " Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.." by Winston Churchill.
Our thoughts become words. Our words become our actions. Our actions become habits and our habits will built our character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Finally finished my abstract Cherry Blossom painting:
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Day 3 - Ending the day with motivation
Last night, I vomited. I tried so hard not to for the entire day but in
the end, around 11pm it had to come out. Right away, I asked Phil to get
me a bottle of ensure so that I can chug it down! I must not lose
weight!!! I need all the nutrients that I can get in order to build
healthy cells.
Today, I felt nauseated and my mouth started to feel dry. My lymph nodes are a little more tender. So, I guess this is a good sign that the radiation is working?! My medical oncologist dr. was surprised that I was already feeling some of the side effects and said that I have a sensitive body. Of course I have a sensitive body, it's not used to all these radiation and poison!! :p Hopefully, sensitive also means that my C cells are sensitive too! I want them all dead!! Muahaha..!!
It's been a long day indeed! Finally finished my radiation treatment in the early evening and got my chemo IV. I hate IV. I hate being poked! Looking back at the past 3 weeks, I've been poked close to 15X already! In the past 8 weeks, I've been poked over 25X. You think you would get used to needles as you get it more often, but no... I hate it so much that it feels like it was my first time every time I get one. Oh well... if this what it takes to kill all the C cells, I'll do it! My aunt made me food and dropped it off at the hospital. I had such a good appetite that I finished almost everything. I drank 4 bowls of seaweed/corn soup, and ate chicken stew with potato and carrots. Yummy! Since I have such a good appetite all of the sudden, and the fact that I can still eat, I'm trying to eat as much as I can. I need to fatten up and store as much nutrients for the tough weeks ahead. Next week, they've already scheduled me to get a stomach tube. This would mean a small surgery and yes another IV must.... I'm gonna be the queen of being poked!
My mood today is overall good. My father is with me at all time. We talked about life, people, investments, my goals, etc.. then I went off telling him about the good people at my work and funny stories. When we finally came to the hospital, I checked into my room for the night, I felt sad. I'm sharing a room with another girl. I'm not sad because I'm sharing a room with her but because she is younger than me and also have cancer. She has cancer in her spine. She came to Canada from China to study, and work. She is the only child. I had the opportunity to meet her father and mother who were next to her. Good thing I took an 8 months mandarin course when I was in university otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to talk to them. The reason I feel sad for her is because she is so young, and is going through so much. She came to Canada with a dream: study and work hard for 8 years but now stuck in the hospital fighting cancer. She told me for her first few treatments, she was by herself and didn't have a place to stay. She had to ask the hospital for a long term bed until her parents arrive and rent a place. I also feel so sorry for her parents, only 1 child and have to go through this. She has already gone through 6 doses of chemo. She will start radiation soon for several weeks and when she is healthier, they need to do a surgery to remove the tumour. What a crazy intense treatment plan she has! Also, today is her birthday too! Spending it at the hospital! The nurse gave her a small cake and docs who passes by the room would pop their head inside to wish her a happy birthday. OMG! I feel so sorry and sad that she is celebrating it this way. As we continue to talk, I realized that I shouldn't be sad. Both her parents and herself are actually very relaxed, happy, and positive about what is going on. They don't seem to fear anything and believe strongly that she will be ok. I'm inspired and motivated. With so little support and they managed to continue to stay strong. I keep telling myself, I must not be weak either. I'm lucky to have a huge network of family and friends to support me. No matter how painful my coming weeks will be, I must try to stay positive and believe that I will be ok. There are people every day fighting to live, especially in poor countries. They don't know when they will have food to eat. When they do have food to eat, they don't know if they will survive. Every day for these people are a stressful one because they are suffering so much and can only dream for a tomorrow at a time. So, all this to say that although I'm going thru this, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Together with technology, high end specialists, family, friends, colleagues, and many strangers who are praying for me too, I will live. The only way to believe.
"Anything can be done as long you are not in denial. No matter how much people wants to help you, if you are in denial, it's game over. " My former manager at Fairchild TV once told me. Face it is the way to go! :)
Today, I felt nauseated and my mouth started to feel dry. My lymph nodes are a little more tender. So, I guess this is a good sign that the radiation is working?! My medical oncologist dr. was surprised that I was already feeling some of the side effects and said that I have a sensitive body. Of course I have a sensitive body, it's not used to all these radiation and poison!! :p Hopefully, sensitive also means that my C cells are sensitive too! I want them all dead!! Muahaha..!!
It's been a long day indeed! Finally finished my radiation treatment in the early evening and got my chemo IV. I hate IV. I hate being poked! Looking back at the past 3 weeks, I've been poked close to 15X already! In the past 8 weeks, I've been poked over 25X. You think you would get used to needles as you get it more often, but no... I hate it so much that it feels like it was my first time every time I get one. Oh well... if this what it takes to kill all the C cells, I'll do it! My aunt made me food and dropped it off at the hospital. I had such a good appetite that I finished almost everything. I drank 4 bowls of seaweed/corn soup, and ate chicken stew with potato and carrots. Yummy! Since I have such a good appetite all of the sudden, and the fact that I can still eat, I'm trying to eat as much as I can. I need to fatten up and store as much nutrients for the tough weeks ahead. Next week, they've already scheduled me to get a stomach tube. This would mean a small surgery and yes another IV must.... I'm gonna be the queen of being poked!
My mood today is overall good. My father is with me at all time. We talked about life, people, investments, my goals, etc.. then I went off telling him about the good people at my work and funny stories. When we finally came to the hospital, I checked into my room for the night, I felt sad. I'm sharing a room with another girl. I'm not sad because I'm sharing a room with her but because she is younger than me and also have cancer. She has cancer in her spine. She came to Canada from China to study, and work. She is the only child. I had the opportunity to meet her father and mother who were next to her. Good thing I took an 8 months mandarin course when I was in university otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to talk to them. The reason I feel sad for her is because she is so young, and is going through so much. She came to Canada with a dream: study and work hard for 8 years but now stuck in the hospital fighting cancer. She told me for her first few treatments, she was by herself and didn't have a place to stay. She had to ask the hospital for a long term bed until her parents arrive and rent a place. I also feel so sorry for her parents, only 1 child and have to go through this. She has already gone through 6 doses of chemo. She will start radiation soon for several weeks and when she is healthier, they need to do a surgery to remove the tumour. What a crazy intense treatment plan she has! Also, today is her birthday too! Spending it at the hospital! The nurse gave her a small cake and docs who passes by the room would pop their head inside to wish her a happy birthday. OMG! I feel so sorry and sad that she is celebrating it this way. As we continue to talk, I realized that I shouldn't be sad. Both her parents and herself are actually very relaxed, happy, and positive about what is going on. They don't seem to fear anything and believe strongly that she will be ok. I'm inspired and motivated. With so little support and they managed to continue to stay strong. I keep telling myself, I must not be weak either. I'm lucky to have a huge network of family and friends to support me. No matter how painful my coming weeks will be, I must try to stay positive and believe that I will be ok. There are people every day fighting to live, especially in poor countries. They don't know when they will have food to eat. When they do have food to eat, they don't know if they will survive. Every day for these people are a stressful one because they are suffering so much and can only dream for a tomorrow at a time. So, all this to say that although I'm going thru this, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Together with technology, high end specialists, family, friends, colleagues, and many strangers who are praying for me too, I will live. The only way to believe.
"Anything can be done as long you are not in denial. No matter how much people wants to help you, if you are in denial, it's game over. " My former manager at Fairchild TV once told me. Face it is the way to go! :)
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Treatment Day 2
2 Radiation Therapies down, 33 more to go! Many of you must wonder how I feel today, I am trying to hang in there. I feel tired, a little nauseated, stuffed right nose, and headache. Maybe because I'm tired, I start to lose my appetite. As much as I don't want to eat, I'm trying to eat something every 1-2 hours. You would think sleeping in a different room I will be able to sleep like a beauty but it wasn't easy. My nose was stuffed and got a headache on and off. Sometime in the middle of the night, I hear Jake crying and saying "mommy... mommy...etc..". I stayed in my room and didn't go out to see him. My mom went in and put him back to sleep.
Tonight, I am going to bed in 30 min. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep better. Going to drink those nasty chinese herbs and hopefully it can help me sleep. If I am getting headache again, I'm gonna pop a tylenol around midnight. Got a big day tomorrow! Will start chemo and continue radiation therapy. It will be my first time leaving Phil and Jake, not returning home, for 3 days. These 3 days are not vacation unfortunately... but I will try to make the best out of it. To keep me busy and distracted when I am not tired, I am going to bring my macbook air so that I can surf the net, maybe write a blog, and watch my chinese drama shows online. Hopefully the next few days is going to fly by so that I can say TGIF soon!!!
A great quote that I received today from my best friend: "Cancer may have started this fight, but I will finish it!" ~ I will be a SURVIVOR coming out of this!
Tonight, I am going to bed in 30 min. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep better. Going to drink those nasty chinese herbs and hopefully it can help me sleep. If I am getting headache again, I'm gonna pop a tylenol around midnight. Got a big day tomorrow! Will start chemo and continue radiation therapy. It will be my first time leaving Phil and Jake, not returning home, for 3 days. These 3 days are not vacation unfortunately... but I will try to make the best out of it. To keep me busy and distracted when I am not tired, I am going to bring my macbook air so that I can surf the net, maybe write a blog, and watch my chinese drama shows online. Hopefully the next few days is going to fly by so that I can say TGIF soon!!!
A great quote that I received today from my best friend: "Cancer may have started this fight, but I will finish it!" ~ I will be a SURVIVOR coming out of this!
I'm gonna end this blog by sharing a song that my family friend has sent me recently:
"Blessing" by Laura Story
Many of you know how much love I have for singing... unfortunately, my voice will slowly loose it from the radiation treatments. Since I can't sing this for a while, perhaps you can sing on my behalf. :)
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