Blessings & Preparation for the Last Treatment

Blessings
Last night, I decided to open up again the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Think Positive that my cousin and his spouse bought me.  I was flipping through the book randomly and found a story called 100 blessings.  It talks about this person at one point was very down and struggling to find a way to fight a challenge she was facing.  To help counteract that she decided to write down 100 things that she felt blessed and that she is thankful for.  In a short moment once she started to do that all that 'down, sad, struggling, negative feelings etc... ' quickly went away.  I don't think I am feeling sad or have any negative feelings right now but I want to give this trick a try.  In no specific order, I want to type out the blessings that I feel happy, thankful, and grateful for.  I think this is a great exercise for anyone in any state of mind to try. To remind ourselves that although maybe we have had a lot of bad stuff that happen to us, there are equally and maybe more good things that happen to us at some point in our life. :)  So, in no specific order, instant blessing thoughts that come to mind are.....

1.  I am still alive
2. Given the chance to fight this crazy battle
3. Loving and caring parents
4. Awesome family relatives
5. Husband Phil
6. Enormous group of caring and great friends
7. Compassionate and caring colleagues
8. My son Jacob
9. My daughter Charlotte
10. Brother Kinmon
11. Sister-in-law Jin
12. 3 living and super great grandmas
13. Awesome cousins
14. Awesome aunts
15. Awesome uncles
16. Ability to hope for a future
17. Achieved ARCT Perfomer's level in piano
18. Performed with an orchestra all over Europe
19. Sang with bands
20. Modeled in various fashion shows
21. Won several pageants
22. Received the Lieutenant Governor Volunteer Award
23. All the jobs that I had, loved them with passion
24. Orchids that continuously bloom 2x a year
25. Received best actor award for my first theatrical performance
26. Company car
27. Own a home
28. Chinese Canadian
29. Fluent in French
30. Fluent in English
31. Speak 2 Chinese dialects
32. Speak cantonese
33. Speak a bit of mandarin
34. Great neighbours throughout my life
35. Studied at U of Montreal
36. Studied at U of HK
37. Worked and lived in Vancouver
38. Winning at every Kiwanis Piano competition
39. Achieved all goals that I set before turning 30 except for 2
40. Great bosses
41. Great mentors
42. Still getting an income
43. Ability to help people whenever is possible
44. Been across Canada
45. Attended great schools
46. Had great teachers
47. Climbed CN Tower for a charity
48. Latest cellular phone
49. Huge backyard
50. My kitchen
51. Online chinese drama shows :p
52. Caring clients
53. Good renters that rent their parking spot for me at work
54. Work for a great company
55. Compete with myself and zero intention with others
56. Continuously learn and try to forgive others
57. Met and/or worked with some Hollywood and HK Hollywood celebrities
58. Food
59. Friends around the world
60. Graduated from U of Toronto
61. Know many successful family and friends
62. People praying for me and my family
63. Have choices in life
64. Getting gifts from strangers
65. Getting gifts from family
66. Getting gifts from acquaintances
67. Getting gifts from friends
68. Getting gifts from colleagues
69. Getting free stuff from time to time
70. Manage to get discounts/savings for the majority of stuff that I buy
71. Can cook
72. Can bake
73. Can mow the lawn
74. Can clean the house
75. Can shovel snow
76. Can do handy stuff
77. Can paint
78. Can sew and use a sewing machine to make clothes
79. Can knit
80. Can crochet
81. Can wash and wax car :)
82. Growing an edible garden
83. Can sing
84. MC'd at community events and many weddings
85. Hosted a few show on the radio
86. Live in a 4 seasons place
87. Get to see day and night
88. Saw many shooting stars
89. Saw northern lights in my hometown
90. Memorable wedding
91. Exotic Honeymoon
92. Cleaning lady
93. Jacob's daycare
94. My husband workplace
95. My doctors
96. Scrapbook
97. Growing up not being rich or poor
98. So far no experience of wars
99. Getting blessed
100. Believing in god
101. Born and grew up in a small town
102. A minority 2/3 of my life

I think I have more than 100 things that I feel blessed! I had group all family members into one point but if I separate them individually, I would have easily reach 300 if I call out every single person....  A pretty good exercise! Kinda motivating actually after doing this. I'm sure my list is a unique one and maybe if a friend did this exercise, we might overlap with same items but in the end, how I appreciate and be grateful for things/people are different for everyone.  We are all different :)

Preparation for the Last Treatment
I've been feeling extremely exhausted this week. Yesterday I thought I was going to nap for an hour but I ended up napping for almost 3 hrs!  Trying to eat and rest more so that next week when I walk in to get my blood test done, hopefully they confirm that I am strong enough to do the last chemo treatment! Really hope this is the last one!!!!!  Cannot wait to really focus the next few months on recovery.  I am definitely not ready both mind and body to return to work. Haven't stopped trying to fight a battle one after another. Really need time to breath and perhaps go see a psychiatrist to confirm that I am mentally normal.  Sometimes, I wonder why I can talk about my lost daughter and what I have been going through so light and easily. Seems like a piece of cake many have said to me when I shared my story in person.  I don't know how to answer to that question but to think that I am positive because other people has helped me get there.  Could I be pretending to be positive and not know?  Am I in denial? I think I really need to see a psychiatrist to confirm this....  Praying for a successful last chemo treatment, fast recovery, and preparing for a new life to start!

Faith....We are not alone

Family Update
Summer has finally arrived! Normally, I love this hot weather however, since I have not fully recovered, this super sunny hot weather really limits me from going out for a long time.  The past weekend, I really stepped outside of my comfort zone once again!  Saturday was my brother's birthday and we had a nice cozy at home dinner to celebrate it!  2 days prior to this day, my sister-in-law asked if I would be interested to go out and watch a movie with them on Saturday after the dinner celebration.  My first feeling was excitement but quickly after was hesitation.  I was also feeling nervous about the thought of me going to see a movie.  Nervous of the crowd and wondering if I would be able to sustain a few hrs of movie.  Also, nervous about whether or not my body and immune is strong enough to sit in a crowd of people.  I thought and thought and thought..... only on Saturday during dinner that I have agreed to go as long they are ok with us watching the last show!  I figure the last show will have less people.  I also make sure they go first to get seats so that I just walk in and sit to see the show right away vs. waiting in line and/or for the movie to start.  Since it was my brother's birthday he made the call on the type of movie to watch.  He chose Pacific Rim.  The movie was good but it was CRAZY intense for me!  I think it is because of what I have been going through that for some reason, I am 'more' aware of life and things vs. before.  Although this movie is not real, but part of me starts to wonder if something crazy like that can really happen in real life. I got more concerned the more I start thinking about it. On the way back home, I told my husband that I felt really shaken up by this movie and will need to meditate before going to bed to relax my mind.  We talked about if this can happen later in life and all I can say, anything can happen. I can't help but to pray that night to God asking him to give peace in this world forever and as long as he can.  To not let Pacific Rim or something even worst happen in real life.  Aside from going out to the movies, I also went to see Jacob's swimming class on Sunday!  He goes every Sunday morning for 30 minutes and Phil is in the pool with him.  There is a small area with seats for family to watch, so I had the opportunity to go with them to see Jacob in action! Aside from swimming class, on the hot sunny afternoon we decided to bring Jake to a nearby splashpad. One of his young boy cousin that he plays well with also came out as well as one of his very good daycare friend too!  So, while my son and husband gets splashed, I sat at a picnic table inside this big gazebo and watched them play for an hour.   The past weekend was certainly a huge milestone that I hit because I have never thought that I would be going out to a movie, watch my son's swimming lesson and hit up a splash pad outdoor with people in hot sunny weather!  The feeling was great that I managed to finally do 'normal' activities however quickly I learned that I didn't pace myself enough and started to pay the price for it by early Sunday evening!  My left ankle started to swell up again!  Back the icepack goes and boy was I ever exhausted where I ended up napping several times on Monday!

We Are Not Alone
Several weeks ago, I received a gift from Phil's cousin.  He brought me a book called "Heaven is for Real".  This book is a real life story, written by a family who has gone through months of life challenges.  However, little did they know, behind all the crazy traumatic events that they went through came with blessings too. Their toddler son actually didn't die but somehow his soul has left his body, went to heaven and came back.  Amazing story!  A book that I highly recommend people to read whether or not you believe in God, Heaven, etc...  This story has certainly expressed similar emotions that I felt in the past few months.  Phil's cousin told me that he found a lot of comfort reading this book and thought that I might enjoy it too.  I just finished reading it last week.  I brought it with me to the hospital while getting chemo treatment. Two nurses saw me with the book and also said that it is a good one!  I told my best friend about it, she somehow found an online copy and read it too!  We had over an hour discussion about it, how much it has touched us and which part we were skeptical, etc...  Overall, the book did open up a few concerns but brought me closer to believing that someone of higher power does exist.  I have attended a catholic school all my life but was never baptized.  Growing up, my family doesn't practice any religion nor talk about it.  However, because of catholic school, I always pray to God, especially when I fear of something....  I don't know what it is but since all the traumatic events in the past months, every time I pray not only I get comfort in my mind and heart but I certainly feel like someone is listening to my prayers because it gets answered.  I also feel like something is guiding me in my decision making and actions so that I don't regret.  Back in early February before I found out about my illness,  I was planning on returning to work in April.  However, something was triggering my thoughts and gut that I shouldn't plan on going back to work.  That I will be off for longer.  Quickly within 2 weeks, I found out what I have and now looking back...  my feeling was bang on!  Back in March, I remember not only I was freaked out what I have, I was anxious to know what my treatment plan would look like. Before I had the chance to understand what the plan looks like, more bad news was in the air... the fact that my cancer was touching my left optical eye nerve and that going through treatment would really damage it and the likelihood of losing eye sight from that side.  I was so devastated with that news that I prayed so much that day after hearing about it and asking for God's help to make the right decision and let the medical people know what I should do.  What is the best option to lean for? I asked God to help guide me and to tell me what is the right option and that I will be confident enough that I can beat this darn illness.  The deadline on letting doctors know was crazy tight - I had 1.5 days to think and decide.  I remember quickly after my conversation with family, a few friends, and the insurance company on the same day of the news, I had received help and over 6 Oncologists from around the world have provided me their 2nd opinions regarding my case within 24 hrs.  Certainly, I really feel like God has been helping me along the way and likely because he was answering not only my prayers but from all the people who were praying for me.  Of course, we can argue that maybe I would have gotten this help if I or anyone didn't prayed but there is no way to go back in the past to test this.  I personally don't want to go back and live those seconds of heart of attack and trying to figure what is the best thing to do because all I know is what I decided to do in the end is what I felt best, and confident to go with.  I have heard several 'miracle' stories in my life. I really believe that anything can happen. So, why can't we believe that there is someone of higher power watching us, judging us on how we handle challenge and that he really is listening to our prayers?

Additional 'Life Decision Making' Thoughts
After reading a great book, having more life discussions with a few people including my husband, I start to build new thoughts around life decisions. What we might do today, we think it is right. However, later in life we might look back and see what we have chose to do today maybe wrong.  If we ever look back and regret what we did today is wrong, you are always given several choices:
a) you can say oh well, I made a mistake, I regret, can't do anything about it and let it be
b) you know it was a mistake you made but chose to be ignorant, and continue to make the mistake
or perhaps c) you chose to make it right regardless how much time and effort it takes but you want to make sure the mistake doesn't continue into the future.

Sometimes, people don't think chance/opportunity are given to them to make things right. However, we are given a chance/opportunity every day!  If you did something wrong or made a bad decision in life, as long as you are still living, every day is your chance to make it right. Of course some things are not an overnight deal, and can take a long time and effort to correct what has been done in the past.  But I totally believe that no matter what the challenge is that you are facing, as long you have faith, determination and a good heart to face the ordeal, you will make yourself a better person and those around you a better place to live.  The choice is always in our hands.


Only a little less than 2 weeks to go before my LAST chemo treatment!  Fingers crossed that it will truly be the last one in my whole life and that it goes smooth!!!!!! I will be spending the coming days taking extra rest, try to eat more, and reduce all activities to prepare for this treatment!  Praying lots and hopefully I can continue to stay positive.

Getting There.... Almost There.....

It has been a while since I blogged!  Finally, finished my second last round of chemo last week. Glad it is over because it was a rough one! I don't understand why licensed IV nurse poke patients every day for a living and cannot find the right vein on the first try!  I had to go through 3 pokes before the nurse located a vein and can thread through the 8 inch long tube into it!  I swear I was about to collapse when she poked me the 2nd time and told me that the tube wouldn't thread through again.  When she asked me if I would let her do it one more time at a different location, I was about to say no but I decided to give her  one last chance.  I was praying to god in my head asking him to help this nurse and in the end, she managed to get a vein on my right arm and thread through the freakin' 8 inch long tube.  It really sucks that my right arm was used for chemo again this round. I felt pretty paralyzed from it and somehow, as the last day of treatment got closer, I don't know what happen but I end up pulling my right side shoulder blade muscle!!!  ARG!!!  I was in so much pain! Just trying to breath hurts so much! I couldn't get in or out of bed without slowly laying down on my left side and roll up like a worm.  At last, today I feel a lot better.... well rested after spending this past week just sleeping throughout the day.

One more treatment to go - fingers crossed!  It is scheduled for the end of this month as long my bloodwork shows that I'm ready for it.  I really hope it is the last treatment for the rest of my life.  I cannot wait to this over with and mainly focus on recovery.  Physically, if anyone sees me wouldn't probably know what the hell I have been going through with the exception that I look a lot skinnier than before.  I do still have a few dark spots/scars left on my neck due to radiation treatments but they are slowly fading away.  In terms of diet, I try to eat a bit more but it is not easy when my mouth is constantly dry.  I am mainly living off Ensures but also with a small amount of food.  Maybe I haven't eaten for a long time or been drinking too much Ensure.... I can't help but to crave for all the bad food you can imagine!  I dreamed of eating my favorite Lays ketchup chips now!  I crave for instant noodles with Spam meat (this is something I used to eat maybe twice a year)!  I crave for pizza, mcdonalds, fried food, seafood.... all of which I cannot eat!  I don't want to crave for this type of food but I cannot help it.  Everything I eat is so plain and must be plain because of my busted taste buds!  On the bright side, I started to eat a bit more fruits!!  Before, I couldn't because everything turns extremely sour once it enters my mouth!  I managed to eat 5-10 blueberries, a few pieces of fresh figs, a few slices of small oranges and apples.  I felt pretty miserable in the past week because chemo took a toll on me but also started to ask the question why this process can't be a bit easier and why I am not recovering faster....

I cannot describe the feelings I have right now.  I can't say I am happy but I am also not sad.  I am maybe a bit confused... maybe feel a bit uncertain about things....  Got some thoughts going on that I want to blog about however, don't feel ready to share just about yet.  That is it for now....  I'll blog soon again...... 

A Small Milestone & Thoughts

Last week was post-chemo and I really challenged myself to try to eat a little more, walk a little more, and do a few things that I haven't done for a long time.  Let's start with eating.  I made quite a big improvement - in my world.  As an example, yesterday, I had 1 bowl of oatmeal, 1 boiled egg, and 1 corn on a cob! Of course, I still have my usual 2 bowls of chinese herbal medicine and 4 bottles of Ensure.  I don't eat like this everyday, I try to pace myself.  Today, I only had 1/4 of a croissant, 1/2 banana and 1 bowl of chinese melon soup. As for walking, yes I certainly walked a lot more!!!  So much that I am trying to figure out if I sprained my left ankle because it is a little swollen or I am fighting some kind of infection or this is due to chemo.  I am not sure and will need to wait for my homecare nurse to visit me tomorrow to ask about it.  I should have wore a better pair of shoes to walk around the block. Been just wearing my flats. Almost every early evening, once the sun is almost down, I would go out with my father and walk around the block to breath some fresh air.  Also, I managed to hit some stores!!  I chose early during the day when there is not a lot of people to go out with my father to run some errands (i.e. pick-up grocery, or browse).  I would only be in the store for 20-30 min because after this period, I get extremely exhausted due to traffic, and tired looking around at stuff. I managed to hit up a Walmart, Costco, T&T Supermarket, Future Shop, and Melonhead for Jacob's haircut.  Pretty much almost 1 store per day! I am sure a happy camper last week because I start to feel a bit more human!!! Also, near the end of the weekend, I got to see a few of my cousins who came by to go to the neighborhood park with Jacob.  Jacob had such a blast hanging out with his cousins who are around his age! I am so happy to see my little one having such a great time.  Especially the fact the we don't know when we will have a sibling for Jacob, I really want him to see his cousins more often so that he build a strong relationship with them.  Just like how I feel about my own cousins, they are like brothers and sisters to me. :)  Aside from all of this, I didn't think I was gonna be able to go out and celebrate father's day with my two fathers but I did it! Although I just sat there at the restaurant, didn't eat but drank my Ensure, it felt good to be able to be there in person and just be there.... just be there for them to see me and give them a sense of 'everything will be ok' and that I am getting better slowly.  So yes, I finally saw my in-laws for the first time since March!!!  I was very happy to see them as much as they were happy to see me!  I also saw my bother's in-laws who care very much about my wellbeing too.  I feel like I hit quite a milestone last week. I just hope the weeks ahead are moving in the same direction and gets even better!

In terms of sleeping, I still haven't been able to sleep through the night without waking up at some point. Last night I kept waking up almost every hour between 2am and 5am!  My nose keep feeling stuffed, my lower back bone aches from sleeping on the back after a while, and I can't seem to sleep deep enough because my brain can't stop thinking.  What am I thinking?  Too much random stuff, and some are just thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be having.  My brain takes me back to January of this year where everything started fall apart.  This year was suppose to be the year I go on matleave and not on a freakin' sick leave!  I was suppose to have a newborn baby to care for vs. delivering a baby who's heart was still beating and then passes away... and my entire family is trying to take care of me! My thoughts keep going along all unpredictable events that happened so far.  I had a conversation with my nanny today about how unpredictable life can be.  She later said well, the guy up there wouldn't give a challenge that you can't manage.  I want to believe that but I am unsure.  Did god really give me a challenge that he really thinks I can beat it or he wants to make me stronger cause I'm weak?  I don't know anymore. I don't want to think anymore about it but I find it hard now that I start to feel a little bored, not doing much these days other than trying to rest more to recover.  I also had a conversation with my husband a few days back how I felt like being a good person gets no rewards. At one point, I felt like I need to be a bad person moving forward - whatever that means.  He told me that he also had some crazy thoughts like this too before.  I guess after going through and facing 'life & death', literally twice now for us in a short period of time, your brain gets a good smack!  I know I can't think like this, and likely won't be a bad person coming out of all this. I must continue to try to stay good: be a good citizen, family member, friend, and colleague.  I have always believed in retribution.  If you're bad, you will pay the price for it somehow.  Also, if you live too good and not do any good to help others, you will also pay your dues!

Other thoughts been going through my mind is trying to decide if I should read my own blog from the beginning.  I was trying to find strength during my chemo a week ago and thought maybe reading my own blog can help since everyone been telling me how after they read my blog, they all comment how strong I have been etc...  So, if people thinks I am strong after reading my blog, I should feel strong reading my own blog... right?  However, I didn't do that. I was scared that I won't be any stronger but just going to end up in tears for reading old and sad memories.  I decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, and just bare the pain I had at that time and praying for the clock to tick faster so that the nurse can remove my chemo plastic tube.  Speaking about staying strong and being strong... what does that mean?  I've been sitting here for the past couple of days thinking about the word 'strong'.  I think there are many types and ways to express this but I thought about only 2 versions right now.  There are two types of people who can be strong but only 1 is the ultimate 'strong' person.  The first type is someone who is constantly challenging themselves and trying different things outside of their comfort zone.  This person seeks challenge that many won't consider and will try to achieve it.  For example, maybe climbing Mount Everest, sky diving, etc....  These people are strong and courageous!  However, those challenges are by choice. Not forced to do it.  They build great strengths and skills to make themselves look and feel strong but I don't view these people as the 'ultimate strong' people in life.  The 2nd type of strong people are those who didn't choose the challenge but needs to face it.  Whether you like it or not, the challenge is life and death.  Strengths must be found and sometimes, people can't find it or don't even have the chance to fight.  For example, imagine yourself waking up the next day where what you do doesn't matter anymore.  Mother nature decided to throw a Tsunami in your face.  It is all about you, your family and survival.  Are you going to live?  What happens to your house? What about your family, maybe they just died from drowning in this crazy disaster?  Who cares how much you have or have not accomplished....  are you going to live and how will you live is the big standing question.  If you're still living, you got nothing now.  Your home is gone, everything you own is gone, and now you got the entire city with dead, sick, and injured people around you.  You might be living now, but you can easily catch an infection because of this mess. How are you going to manage your life now?  If you want a sense of how this is like, watch the movie called "The Impossible" because in real life it is much worst than this.  How about another example....  you wake up and your country decided to have a war around you!  Can you fleet that fast? Perhaps if you have the money. But if not, guess what, guns and bombs aren't far away and maybe you will be hit with one before you know it.  And of course, being critical ill like having cancer or going through a heart attack etc...  are all examples of challenges that many people need to face not by choice.   There are probably a lot of different examples that we can continue to call out but this is what I call the 'ultimate' strong people; Either you go through this or someone you love goes through it as you stand by their side.  It is very different from the ones who constantly try to challenge themselves daily, it is not the same type of being 'strong'.  These are the people that are put through a true life test of 'how strong are you'. You don't know how strong you can be until you really got no choice. The focus is all about survival for you and your family.  For me, going through this nightmare of life threatening events have changed my views when people say that person is "strong". The comment 'you are so strong' has a total different meaning to me.

One last thought been triggering my mind all week is the decision on what to do in the future and how much of my life/goals need to be changed.  Since my last blog, I had a short conversation with my husband o how people will view me if I do or not change my goals in life.  I told him that I know some family or friends might tell me to drop what I want to do in life because of what I have been going through.  My husband shared with me his point of views on all of this.  He pointed out that he agrees with me that I should follow my heart and go ahead continue to believe and try to achieve the goals I have set for myself.  He made a comment about the only people who thinks you shouldn't follow your goals, change them, and/or drop some of it are the people who normally don't have much goals or interest in their own life.  He said that I am a goal-getter, it overwhelms those who are not.  LOL.... big laugh I had when he said this but comes to think more about it, I don't think my husband is totally wrong.  Whatever it is, I truly don't care what people thinks.  Like it or not, I am going to follow what I want to do in life and as long I have my husband support, that is good enough.  What is right and wrong anyway?  It is whatever we believe in.... right?  Sometimes, I feel like my mind is sitting on a fence and can't really fall on either side.

Alright moving away from all thoughts, I got exactly 2 more weeks to go before my 2nd last chemo!!! OMG - I wish it was the last one!!!  Boy do I not want to have this darn 8 inch plastic tube in my arm and vein!  I really hope they can find a good vein on my left arm vs. my right.  I am still feeling a little bruised on my right arm. Oh gosh.... I just need to stop thinking about all of this. Freakin' myself out ahead of time is no good!! I need to stop!!! I am going to finish off with a prayer for a dear friend's baby and for her family. My friend's baby just went through an unprecedented lung surgery. I am not exactly sure about the whole story but it certainly broke my heart when I heard about it.  It bothered my mind all week and from time to time, I cannot help but to stop during the day and pray:

Dear Lord,
You know my friend so much better than I do. You know her sickness and the burden she carries. You also know her heart. Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now as you work in his life. Lord, let your will be done in my friend's life. If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help her to see her need and confess.
Lord, I pray for my friend just as your Word tells me to pray, for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord, to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why my friend has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort her with your presence.
Let my friend know you are there with her through this difficulty. Give him strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be glorified in her life and also in mine.
Amen.

Another Treatment Completed!

After getting chemo drugs for 5 days on a row where I spent 1 day in the hospital and the rest of it at home, I am so glad that it is over! Too bad, I still have 2 more rounds of these to go.  When they told me that they will insert a longer plastic tube needle inside my vein, I thought it was like a finger long.  Only on Monday, when my dad brought me back to the hospital to get the stuff removed, I then found out really how long that plastic needle was!!  Both my dad and I were so surprised to see the length of that thing inside my arm.  It was no jokes, literally 8 inches long!! The length between my elbow and shoulders! No wonder my right arm felt so paralyzed... skinny arm, skinny veins, and got this freakin' long tube inside of it! The past 5 nights, I was only able to sleep on my back.  For some reason, my GI tube was hurting me a little as well, so I couldn't rotate.  My left shoulder blade is killing me... not sure if I pulled a muscle or this pain is a result of sleeping too much on my back!  Now, I have approx. 3.5 weeks of break before the next round of chemo - yes.. 2nd last one!!!!!  I cannot wait! Hate to see another long plastic tube get inserted again... :(

Eating Progress Update
Finally, I start to eat a little more but still not enough to call it a meal!  I did gain another 2 pounds since 2 weeks ago, so around 118 lbs!  Words cannot describe how much I miss eating!!! I've also been told to cut out SEAFOOD for 3 years!!!  So, no crab, no lobster and no shrimp!  :(   I started to drink 2-3 bottles of Ensure a day vs. pumping!  It is so nasty! I told my best friend that it tasted bad before my buds are gone but now, these Ensure taste salty and sour!  She asked me if I drank an expired bottle and I said that I triple checked all of them... it's just my taste buds!  She joked that maybe I should try to eat something salty, maybe it will turn sweet?! LOL... I wish it was this simple... and of course it wouldn't work.  I was also hoping to get my GI Tube removed next week but the bookings are now into July.  So, I must wait.  The nurse/doc recommended that I wait for the next Chemo to be over first before removing it... just in case I might want to use it next round due to nausea.  I really want this tube gone!!!  So many freakin' tubes going in and out of me, I can't sleep comfortably....  Hopefully, the next 6-8 weeks passes by fast and I see the end of this nightmare.

Research
So, I was interviewed last Wednesday about my entire experience.  I was so happy and thrilled to be able take part and share my advices/feedback.   It was an hour long interview and shared a few ideas  that I believe could make a difference for future patients.  I suggested that they plant at least 1-2 volunteers inside the radiation wait area so that they can socialize with patients, especially those who there alone.  I often feel bad for those people because they don't have support and someone to motivate them. I also think these volunteers can assist patients with their first radiation treatment, to let them know that everything will be ok and standby when they come out.  The entire process is so stressful already and to walk in to the treatment for the first time, I remember how my heart was pounding crazily for the entire week!  I think having an escort would make a big deal for those who are fighting it all by themselves!  It should make them feel better, confident and less nervous.   The 2nd idea I had was to make sure they tell the patient to have a mini-diary or just a plain note pad to write down all their daily symptoms/side effects, and questions.  Sometimes, we are in so much pain for one day that by the time we see the doctor for our once a week review, we already forgot about it and the doctor cannot further assist or help.  3rd point I told the researcher is that we need to make sure all medical members to not stop reminding the patient to try to comply with all the self maintenance work (i.e. rinsing the mouth with baking soda, do the nasal saline wash, etc..)  It is so important!!!  When I was in pain and tired, there were days where I really don't want to do anything including eating but I know it won't help me recover and fight. I had to continuously push myself to do it and I had a lot of people telling me to keep doing it.  It certainly makes a difference between those patients who comply and those who don't. The patient who doesn't not only will suffer more but also, the entire treatment outcome can be very different.  Another point that hit me by far the most is the cost of the treatment.  I really hope they can prepare some kind of tip sheet to help guide patients who have financial needs. Not many would opt in to talk to social worker and because this entire journey is already so stressful and everything is happening so fast, to have a sheet that calls out all the various funds out there that can help the patient would save time and reduce stress.  People always tend to think that our government covers everything - no they don't!  There are so much over the counter stuff that you need to buy to assist the treatment that not only the government doesn't cover it but also work benefits won't help.  Aside from drugs and over counter tools/meds, there is also parking fees, gas money, or some kind of transportation cost that people often don't think about it.  And the daily/monthly living expenses still exist even when you're sick!  So, if the patient can't work, has no income source, how are they going to manage all of this?  Go figure!

Aside from sharing tips on how they can improve their program, the researcher asked me what does this cancer means to me.  I couldn't really answer this question because I find it very difficult to give her a true answer when I don't know what it means myself.  We can always ask 'why me' and come up with a gazillion of reasons why maybe I got it but honestly, it is a waste of time. I am not god and doctors can't even figure out why cancer even exist and how they come about.  So, when she ask me what it means, I told her simply: "it's a life challenge that I didn't choose by choice, but I think God wants to see how I handle it.  We will never know the true meaning behind this or the reason but I think God chose me for his own good reasons... maybe I know many people, maybe he knows that I have the potential to fight strong and help make a difference in other people's lives... maybe he wanted me to go through it so that my entire family and friends doesn't get something like this....  whatever it is, I don't think too much about it, just trying to fight and hope to move on after this."  She then ask me the next question that I know many people probably wants to ask me but haven't. I also ponder on the same question in my mind for the LONGEST time......  She asked "how has this changed your life? Will this experience change or not change what you want to do in your life in the future...?"  I can't imagine anyone who is or has gone through this kind of battle say that it didn't change their life.  This year, 2013, my life felt like it has gone down the drain - totally out of my control!  Of course it changed my life!  If it wasn't for this, I probably would be back at work, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my little one, attending all kinds of functions, eating the food that I love, etc...  Speaking of change, I haven't gone out or drive a car for over 3 months now!!!!  The answer to the next question is I don't have a complete answer as to how much life change it means for my future. Aside from being more conscious of what I eat in the future, in terms of life goals....  I see right now 3 options/answers to this question:
A) Due to this experience, I need to completely change all my goals!
B) I keep all my goals because life is short and my goals are what I want to accomplish the most! Why change?!  It is what makes me happy..... right?
C) Keep some and change some of the goals because of this experience

Quite honest, I haven't made up my mind yet but my gut is leaning on option B.  I can't overcome another question that is mind boggling me....    Why because of this experience do I need to say 'no' to the things that I really love, passionate about and want to do? If anything, because of this experience, I shouldn't procrastinate and just go for it! My goals are fairly simple and if I don't accomplish it, I won't be sad. At least I had a plan and tried to reach it.  But if because of this experience I say no to some of the things that I really want to do, then what can I do? What am I going to do in my life?  What kind of message am I passing down and teaching my child?  My goals are fairly basic:  continue to work for a company and hope to have an opportunity to work overseas for a few years, maybe try to get into an EMBA program in the future, and open a side business.  I can't see why I can't achieve these and if I don't... I am not gonna be sad. They are just goals and I won't crazy pressure myself if I don't achieve it.   So, the answer to the last question likely going to be B for me... although I'm not set on it fully.  I hope I will have my family and friends supporting whatever goals and decision I make as I continue to live.  I am just so happy to be still 'alive' and be able to continue to dream, hope, and plan my future.

Support
I continue to feel blessed and lucky.  Why?  Last week, my former clients out in Vancouver reached out to me. They heard about my latest well being and wishes me well.  The last time I saw these people was 3 years ago when I worked in Vancouver!  I worked 1.5 years out there with these great folks and no way did I expect them to reach out during this time.  I feel so happy and lucky to know that so many people care.  Totally blessed!  The support that I have been getting truly amazes me!  I start to feel bad because of it as well... I start to ask myself, was I good enough of a friend to every single person who has been reaching out to me?  I feel like I need to do more when I am well. I need to be even a BETTER friend and family member than I used to be because of everyone's care.  So anxious to throw a massive celebration party... not a party for me but rather themed family and friend's appreciation party :)

Random Thoughts Part 2

Can't believe it is Friday already!  I've been working 'real hard' trying to rest more, sleep more, and
increase my food intake by mouth and via the GI tube.  Normally, I pump 4 bottles of Ensure through the tube but so far, this entire week I have increased it to 5 bottles of Ensure! I've also increased slightly food intake by mouth.  My belly is so bloated every time I tried to eat because I must sip water with every small bite to decrease the burning sensation at the back of my throat.  Also, water helps the chewed up food go down my esophagus easier.  This week, my aunts/uncles on my mom side have continued to show their love for me and care. The minute they heard that my white blood cells are down, they went online to research on how to increase the white blood cells, and one of my aunt actually work in the hospital, she also asked around for me.  They called my parents, telling them what to make in terms of food, soups, and what I should do to help increase both white and red blood cells to boost my immune system.  I feel so loved and grateful for such great family members that I have.  Money certainly can't buy these relationships!

I've been trying very hard to increase my weight - yes, trying to get FAT!  But unfortunately, I haven't been able to do so.  Right, I'm sure if my girl friends see this, they would want to spank me in the ass for saying this truth!  LOL!  The past 2 weeks, I can't stop thinking about how much weight changes I've gone through in less than a year:

• Average weight in the past few years / Pre-pregnancy - 123 lbs
• 5 months pregnancy - 135 lbs
• Post-pregnancy - 125 lbs
• Post 7 weeks of Radiation treatments - 120 lbs
• 1st week no radiation treatment - 113 lbs (CRAZY side effects killed me!)
• Now - 116-117 lbs

Hopefully by next week before treatment, I can get my weight back up and close to 120 lbs!!! I don't know how I will respond to chemo next week but if I get those nausea/vomit and lack of appetite side effects as usual, my weight will definitely drop further and delay my recovery process. I don't know how celebrity does it.  Of course they get paid high bills for losing and gaining a substantially amount of weight! I don't care how much money I get paid, I would never choose to lose or gain weight just for money.  It has such a great impact to your body and I don't believe it is healthy.

Looks like I will continue to miss out a lot of upcoming events because my 4th chemo treatment got delayed by a week.  From birthdays to baby showers, wedding showers to the actual wedding, and new born chinese 1 month old birthday celebration.  I hate to not be able to attend any of this!!!  DAMN IT!!!  I know everyone won't blame or hate me for it but I really hate myself and sad that I really cannot attend.  I'm hoping Phil and Jake will be able to take part in some of these at the bare minimum.  Every time I get chemo, it takes at least 2 weeks for me to get back up to speed where I was before treatment.  Chemo kills not only good but also bad cells in the body.  So, the immune system is really weak.  For me, it has a greater impact. Although radiation treatment has been completed 4 weeks ago, but its effect remains in the body for several months.  I know a lot of people wants to see and visit me but unfortunately, I need to start pulling a wait list together haha.....  I also told my husband the other day that I'm having such a difficult time figuring out which family and friend to see first when I'm ready.  I don't know how to choose because they are all important to me.  But one thing for sure is that I must see my in-laws first because they have been non-stop praying and waiting to see me for a LONG LONG LONG time.  But as for the rest... I'm real stuck!  One of my cousin's friend that I've known for a long time texted me about visiting me and I jokingly told him... I got a long wait list going on!  He texted me right away and said:  "well, I've known you when you were little even before you moved out from your small town for university.  I hope that brings me up the rank!".  I told him that I would highly consider the years we've known each other and perhaps, bring him up the rank as he has proposed! :p  I honestly think when I'm ready to have visitors, I'm just gonna choose a day in August (hopefully all my treatments are done by then), and invite all friends and family over for a MEGA party! I wish family and friends from overseas/out of town can come but I know it will be a stretch!  I know they will celebrate spiritually for me even though they are far away.

My husband and I are super lucky!!!  Today, my parents mowed our national park size lawn!  Yes, I got a really deep and wide backyard!! Big enough to build another house behind ours.  They've even picked out any weeds that Phil has missed from the last time he cut the lawn.  There's always a say that you can't choose your parents but I told myself if I get to re-live my life again, I would want the same parents that I have today!  Both of them are already over 60 and they're so active both at home and work!  They are crazy workaholics! Ok... I know what my friends/family would say about me... I'm just the same.  Right - I can't help it.  Maybe I got some of those hard working genes! Even if I don't have those 'workaholic' genes, I would try to be like one!  My parents works so hard in their entire life that I keep telling myself since I was little that I must work just as hard or even greater.  My parents never ask their kids to buy them anything - very simple people!  I know their expectations are that I become a good citizen, and follow my dreams. They never let me worry about money and just wanted me to stay focus and finish school, find a good job that I'm passionate about and live a happy life.  So, during my entire past 32 years, I've tried to learn, and accomplish as much as I can.  This is my only way to say thank you to my parents, and make them feel proud of their creation!  I hope because of their active lives, they will live a very very very long one so that I will have the opportunity to take care and show my appreciation for all the things they have done for me! I've never like to be treated like a princess but right now, I have to let that happen. Especially in the next 5 years!  Doctor said that I must not be stressed so everyone must let me do, and be the way I want to be.  So, princess I am and will be for a while! What a serious challenge because I like to do things myself.

Due to lack of energy during this past week, I lost great motivation to complete my Japanese Maple tree painting. Jake really wanted to more painting with his mommy so I switched gear what thought to be a simple project but in the end, took more time and effort than estimated.  This one got more details and mixing the right colour for it took a lot of time.  So far, I got 40 likes!  The bird painting is still the hottest and most 'liked' on FB.  Today, I hope to complete my Japanese maple painting and post on my blog soon!!!

No Treatment This Week

Booh!!!  Yay!!! Booh!!! Yay!!!  Booh because after a long day at the hospital, I didn't end up getting chemo treatment.  My white blood cells level is lower than they wanted to see so they cannot give me chemo until it goes back up to where it is safe for me to get the treatment.  It was a close one!  My level shows 1.35 and they wanted to see 1.5.  So, the doc said I should be able to do it next week and scheduled me back in for then.  So, it also means that my entire 3 more chemo plan got pushed back by at least one week now.  Also, it means that my immune system is weak and I will need to wear a mask - especially at home when my little Jake comes back from daycare.  I must rest LOTS, continue to hibernate at home, and try to push myself to eat a bit more to strengthen my immune.  Yay because I went to my dentist said that my saliva is almost back to normal!!!  However, I don't for some reason feel like it is.  My saliva still feels fairly thick, bubbly, etc... but whatever, if they say that I'm recovering well in terms of saliva glands, then I will take any good news!  Another Yay is that I was craving for a bowl of noodle soup made with fish. Only this restaurant in Richmond Hill that I know makes it real well.  I managed to eat a very small bowl.  I also craved for a small doughnut but boy does it taste so bad!!  It taste like I was eating cardboard or something.  Not like I have eaten cardboard in my life but it was so hard to chow it down!  Also, it was suppose to taste sweet but not for me, it tasted very salty!!!

So disappointed that I can't get chemo this week as planned but happy that I got some good news out of it too.  Life is so unpredictable!!!!!  Ugh..... :p