It has been a quiet and somewhat relaxing long weekend by staying at home. So glad that I have 3 days of break before the start of another week of treatments. All I have been doing is trying to eat, sleep, walk around the house, and stay calm. I can't help but to think if I was normal, these 5 things are the easiest thing to do. But because I am not well, these activities are so hard and consumes so much of my energy. Trying to eat has been by far my biggest daily challenge next to sleeping. I have to find ways to get myself eating more food such as telling my own brain that I am hungry, my body needs food to replenish and build strong cells, and there are lot of people out there who don't have food would love to be in my spot etc... I wonder all the time when will I finally recover and start to taste the food the way it is supposed to be. The doctor said that it may take a few months to a year after all my treatments are completed before I get my taste buds back. He also warned me that some people will lose it permanently. Whatever it will be, hopefully this is temporarily! Given that I'm trying to eat more now, hopefully, my body stays strong and will recover quickly. ^_^
I'm grateful to have a strong husband. Although I make fun of him that he can't tolerate physical pain well, however, he can certainly tolerate high levels of emotional pain. I used to take care of everything at home, from cleaning to cooking, feed/bath the little one to managing all household finances, bills, files etc... a portion of it got dumped on my hub's shoulders in the past 2 weeks. It has been a rough ride for him as it has for me. It also doesn't help when our little Jacob throws out all those toddler's tantrums that we hear about. My husband ended up sick for the past few days. I also know that it has been real hard for him to watch me suffer and there's nothing he can do. It also hurts me that I can't do any of the stuff I used to - for now. Hopefully, short term pain really means long term gain for all of us :)
Not sure how much of my recent experiences have impacted everyone around me but it sure does impact me greatly! I keep thinking, I was a healthy person wasn't I? I never smoke or do any drugs, drink mostly water for the majority of my entire life (with some occasional alcohol :p), I don't drink coffee, tea seldomly, cook and eat at home 75% of the time, no raw sushi or anything that is raw like oysters.... I do have my junk food days (ie. pizza, mcdonald, chips etc..) but again, I think I try my best to have a healthy diet as much as possible already. Also, I don't have any family history of critical illness (i.e. heart attack, cancer, etc...). I pro-actively check in with my family doctor and dentist on a regular basis for all my life. All my pots and pans are stainless steels except for 1 small non-stick fryer. I use glass Tupperware vs. plastics majority of the time. We barely use microwave. When it comes to canned food, I have less than 15 year round. For many years, we don't even buy instant noodles and eat it so rarely! For most people who knows me, would probably agree that I have a crazy active life and likes a clean (dust & clutter free) home! So WTH?! Who would have guessed that I would end up with this? At one point, I thought once my treatment is over, I'm gonna drop everything that I believed in and stop doing what I did. Maybe all I did is too much.... Maybe I do need some bacteria around, and eat more of the unhealthy stuff. Just a thought! However, I'm not going to do this. If anything, I need to be EVEN more careful what I put in my mouth and take everything that I did even more seriously!!! If I want to live a long life with my husband, achieve the goals we have in mind, watch our kids grow older and be there when we get grandchildren, take care my parents and in-laws, and enjoy more of everything....... more changes needs to happen. It starts with diet and exercise. Although I have always been active, the past 2-3 years, I dropped the word 'workout' out of the picture. I do mow the lawn, shovel snow, and clean the house.. but I guess this is not enough! Anything can be bought with money but not life. So, what more would I do differently? Beef is my favorite!! I love those Beef jerky and anything that has to do be with Beef. But since the day I found out about my health, I prayed and told god that if he can give help me recover and give me a healthy long life, I will cut beef out of my diet completely. I have always made sure I have carbs, 1 meat dish and 1 veggie dish on the table. Now, the entree should be vegetables vs. meat. Meat should act as a side. I think I'll move my diet more to fish and seafood vs. chicken and pork. Also, gonna make sure my fridge is filled with delicious and assorted fruits at all times!
Last but not the least, I think it all starts with the right mind set. If I feel good, my body will feel good. If I am positive, my body will make more good cells to fight what is bad vs. exhausting my happy cells to make me feel happy. If I can try to stay calm and remind myself to breath when I feel pain or faced with a tough situation, my body will be able to answer the situation right away. All easy said than done but I managed to do it last week! I must remind myself to not let my emotions take over as we move into week 3 of the treatment plan. I know I'm still climbing this tall mountain, I haven't reached the top yet. I cannot wait to get there and jump freely! My mind is already set on pulling a life celebration party at my home this summer when this is all over, inviting everyone that I know! That's my target and I will get there. :)
I didn't know my blog was inspiring, motivating, and helping people who knows me and strangers to reflect on their own life. My blogging intention off from the gecko is to have a place for me to spill my emotions, thoughts, and progress. Somewhere for me to keep everyone who cares about me up to date on how I feel and what is happening. Since I am not allowing visitors, and not talking these days until my treatment is over, I thought instead of me repeating a gazillion time every single update, a blog is probably a good thing to do. I'm glad that I am helping people while I'm not well. People always fascinate me and perhaps answer the reason why I chose business development as a career - an opportunity to be extravert and meet more people. I would love to hear more from everyone how my experience has changed or not changed their lives.
I am looking forward to Friday already! Although tomorrow is only Monday, this doesn't mean that I can't have the 'Friday' feeling every day.... so, I'm gonna try to keep those happy "Friday" day feeling over the next 5 days - blast off C cells!!
My past week favorite quotes from friends....
"Sometimes life does throw you lemons.... but it's up to us to turn them into lemonades"
I'll always remember my boss's favorite saying.... "This sucks. It's bad but we'll get through this.... Chin up"
"You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life. "
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Week 2 - Overcoming another hurdle
Finally came back home after spending 4 days downtown. A glance at my crazy week:
Monday: Radiation treatment and no food by midnight. Stayed at a hotel.
Tuesday: No Food, no water, and GI Tube Surgery. Stayed at PMH overnight.
Wednesday: Finally, 1st sip of water around 11am, and food at 1pm. 2 Radiation treatments and stayed at a hotel.
Thursday: Radiation treatment, see Specialist for weekly check-up, and see Chinese herbalist for follow-up and finally home at 7pm.
How do I feel? So glad that this week is over! OMG! I definitely lost my appetite to eat this week and it's not good. I have almost no more saliva which makes chewing food very difficult. Everything has a metallic/bitter taste, and my stomach still hurts from the GI tube insertion. It takes well over an hour for me to eat, if I can, half of bowl of something. Forcing myself to eat kills so much of my energy... no choice....must be done in order to regenerate new cells and keep my immune strong.
How was the GI surgery and process? It was pretty brutal but better than I expected. My strategy pre-surgery for the entire Tuesday was to stay in bed until after my surgery. I barely talk because my mouth was also dry. I gave my cellphone to my dad because I don't want to do anything to burn any calories since I didn't eat. I had to do my best to preserve my energy for the surgery and recovery so I only left my bed if I need to. Around 2pm, I was sent to TGH for the surgery but I had to wait 2hrs before they really took me in for it! When they took me inside the procedure room, they didn't knock me out completely. Also, I had to help them get this tube in from my mouth down to the stomach... they numb my throat a bit but I still felt everything. The doc told me that I may vomit during this process and it's normal. I told myself to relax as much as I can and cooperate because I don't want to vomit. I got nothing to vomit and it'll only make things worst. I actually almost gag but didn't and managed to stay strong somehow. Maybe the moment I was about to gag, I heard the doc said 'good the tube is in now' helped me stay relaxed and focus. Once the tube was in, I remember the drugs kicking in. I was feeling in and out of it. I remember feeling some crazy pressure and then pain when they punctured through my stomach. When the procedure was done, I was transported back to PMH and I slept for 2-3 hrs. Finally around 8pm, I woke up and I vomited. OMG!!! IT WAS SO PAINFUL!!! The nurse said that it was normal that my stomach acid came out. When I was ready, I had my dad and nurse help me get up sitting on the bed. I wanted to get up and walk around to help the recovery process. It sounds brutal to get up and walk after the surgery but in fact, I had to, I wanted to and the Doc told me to. Because I was in bed for almost 24 hrs, I need to get my circulation going and release any air that was pumped into my stomach during the procedure. I don't want my other organs to stop working. If I don't walk, the recovery would take even longer. When I finally managed to get myself up sitting on the bed, I remembered turning pale and felt blood gushing down. Before you know, I vomit for the 2nd time. OMG!! I tried to stay calm and focus on my breathing to relax and help soon the terrible pain. I remember leaning on the nurse shoulder for maybe 5 min. before opening my eyes and try again to slowly push myself to standing position. What a process and before you know, I was walking very slowly, went to the washroom, and did maybe 5 trips down the hallway. By around 11pm, the nurse gave me anti-nausea meds via IV and it totally knocked me out until 5am.
The next day I felt better but still in pain. I had 1 cough and it killed me! I was sooooo hungry and thirsty. Finally after my first round of radiation treatment in the morning, they let me sipping away water and suck on ice chips. Too bad losing weight is not an option here otherwise, I think I can go become a model again on the runway! I had to wait until 12pm to eat to give enough time for my stomach to recover. I called my dad and told him to bring me a Macchicken only, I need to try to eat it... I needed to pound up some calories for not eating for a whole day. The hospital brought me lunch but it was OMG nasty... literally a slice of wheat bread with a slice of cheddar cheese. I ate half of it anyway. My body needs nutrients to help me recover. Once the 2nd radiation treatment was over, left the hospital, checked in at the hilton hotel with my dad, did a round of walking, ate the dinner that my aunt made me, and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep and before you know, my stomach CRAMPED UP! I was in so much pain and could barely breath properly. It lasted for like 5 min. but sure felt like it was forever. It was so freakin' painful...! But when the cramp was over, I realized that I didn't even shed a single tear. I don't know if it is a good thing or what but I guess my threshold for pain is pretty high. My husband asked me how is it compared to the Csection and the natural delivery that I had, I would probably rank the pain up there with the c-section but a bit less. I also said, if it was my husband, I don't think he will be able to handle this kind of pain. I once brought him for a facial, he teared up when the facialist was just trying to extract blackhead. My hub didn't disagree with me. He said that he don't know how many people can handle pain like I can. Not sure if he's complimenting me, or encouraging me.. whatever it is, I'll take it!
This week has been rough and tested me in every way! But I made it - with all of your help. Many of you sent me messages, prayed, and kept me going. Every time I am down a little, somehow I get a positive message that reminds me that I must fight. Thank you very much!! I keep telling myself every time I experiencing pain that I can't give up. 2 weeks finished and I worked too hard already. I must continue to work harder to earn my life back. I must also thank god for giving me strong parents to stand by my side and not spoiling me when I was young. Looking back, they didn't give me everything that I wanted when I was young. I cared when I was young but honestly, as I got older, I got over it. I didn't get my first barbie doll until I was like 12! The good thing out of this that started from a young age it taught me to learn to earn everything that I want. Life is not easy. If it is too easy, when there are dilemmas most people who had it too easy don't know how to handle it. If my parents gave me everything and an easy life, I am certain that I would not be able to fight this battle the way I have. I struggle sometimes trying to figure out how to teach my own child how to earn what he wants. I hope my perseverance, strong will to battle, and current life experience will be a meaningful one for him to be a good and useful human being one day.
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential; These are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence." - Confucius
Monday: Radiation treatment and no food by midnight. Stayed at a hotel.
Tuesday: No Food, no water, and GI Tube Surgery. Stayed at PMH overnight.
Wednesday: Finally, 1st sip of water around 11am, and food at 1pm. 2 Radiation treatments and stayed at a hotel.
Thursday: Radiation treatment, see Specialist for weekly check-up, and see Chinese herbalist for follow-up and finally home at 7pm.
How do I feel? So glad that this week is over! OMG! I definitely lost my appetite to eat this week and it's not good. I have almost no more saliva which makes chewing food very difficult. Everything has a metallic/bitter taste, and my stomach still hurts from the GI tube insertion. It takes well over an hour for me to eat, if I can, half of bowl of something. Forcing myself to eat kills so much of my energy... no choice....must be done in order to regenerate new cells and keep my immune strong.
How was the GI surgery and process? It was pretty brutal but better than I expected. My strategy pre-surgery for the entire Tuesday was to stay in bed until after my surgery. I barely talk because my mouth was also dry. I gave my cellphone to my dad because I don't want to do anything to burn any calories since I didn't eat. I had to do my best to preserve my energy for the surgery and recovery so I only left my bed if I need to. Around 2pm, I was sent to TGH for the surgery but I had to wait 2hrs before they really took me in for it! When they took me inside the procedure room, they didn't knock me out completely. Also, I had to help them get this tube in from my mouth down to the stomach... they numb my throat a bit but I still felt everything. The doc told me that I may vomit during this process and it's normal. I told myself to relax as much as I can and cooperate because I don't want to vomit. I got nothing to vomit and it'll only make things worst. I actually almost gag but didn't and managed to stay strong somehow. Maybe the moment I was about to gag, I heard the doc said 'good the tube is in now' helped me stay relaxed and focus. Once the tube was in, I remember the drugs kicking in. I was feeling in and out of it. I remember feeling some crazy pressure and then pain when they punctured through my stomach. When the procedure was done, I was transported back to PMH and I slept for 2-3 hrs. Finally around 8pm, I woke up and I vomited. OMG!!! IT WAS SO PAINFUL!!! The nurse said that it was normal that my stomach acid came out. When I was ready, I had my dad and nurse help me get up sitting on the bed. I wanted to get up and walk around to help the recovery process. It sounds brutal to get up and walk after the surgery but in fact, I had to, I wanted to and the Doc told me to. Because I was in bed for almost 24 hrs, I need to get my circulation going and release any air that was pumped into my stomach during the procedure. I don't want my other organs to stop working. If I don't walk, the recovery would take even longer. When I finally managed to get myself up sitting on the bed, I remembered turning pale and felt blood gushing down. Before you know, I vomit for the 2nd time. OMG!! I tried to stay calm and focus on my breathing to relax and help soon the terrible pain. I remember leaning on the nurse shoulder for maybe 5 min. before opening my eyes and try again to slowly push myself to standing position. What a process and before you know, I was walking very slowly, went to the washroom, and did maybe 5 trips down the hallway. By around 11pm, the nurse gave me anti-nausea meds via IV and it totally knocked me out until 5am.
The next day I felt better but still in pain. I had 1 cough and it killed me! I was sooooo hungry and thirsty. Finally after my first round of radiation treatment in the morning, they let me sipping away water and suck on ice chips. Too bad losing weight is not an option here otherwise, I think I can go become a model again on the runway! I had to wait until 12pm to eat to give enough time for my stomach to recover. I called my dad and told him to bring me a Macchicken only, I need to try to eat it... I needed to pound up some calories for not eating for a whole day. The hospital brought me lunch but it was OMG nasty... literally a slice of wheat bread with a slice of cheddar cheese. I ate half of it anyway. My body needs nutrients to help me recover. Once the 2nd radiation treatment was over, left the hospital, checked in at the hilton hotel with my dad, did a round of walking, ate the dinner that my aunt made me, and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep and before you know, my stomach CRAMPED UP! I was in so much pain and could barely breath properly. It lasted for like 5 min. but sure felt like it was forever. It was so freakin' painful...! But when the cramp was over, I realized that I didn't even shed a single tear. I don't know if it is a good thing or what but I guess my threshold for pain is pretty high. My husband asked me how is it compared to the Csection and the natural delivery that I had, I would probably rank the pain up there with the c-section but a bit less. I also said, if it was my husband, I don't think he will be able to handle this kind of pain. I once brought him for a facial, he teared up when the facialist was just trying to extract blackhead. My hub didn't disagree with me. He said that he don't know how many people can handle pain like I can. Not sure if he's complimenting me, or encouraging me.. whatever it is, I'll take it!
This week has been rough and tested me in every way! But I made it - with all of your help. Many of you sent me messages, prayed, and kept me going. Every time I am down a little, somehow I get a positive message that reminds me that I must fight. Thank you very much!! I keep telling myself every time I experiencing pain that I can't give up. 2 weeks finished and I worked too hard already. I must continue to work harder to earn my life back. I must also thank god for giving me strong parents to stand by my side and not spoiling me when I was young. Looking back, they didn't give me everything that I wanted when I was young. I cared when I was young but honestly, as I got older, I got over it. I didn't get my first barbie doll until I was like 12! The good thing out of this that started from a young age it taught me to learn to earn everything that I want. Life is not easy. If it is too easy, when there are dilemmas most people who had it too easy don't know how to handle it. If my parents gave me everything and an easy life, I am certain that I would not be able to fight this battle the way I have. I struggle sometimes trying to figure out how to teach my own child how to earn what he wants. I hope my perseverance, strong will to battle, and current life experience will be a meaningful one for him to be a good and useful human being one day.
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential; These are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence." - Confucius
Saturday, March 23, 2013
1 Week Down 6 More to Go
Finally, finished the first week of treatment. It was tough. It was not easy. Especially the day I had my first chemo and I had to stay overnight. You would think I'll be able to sleep through the night but no...it was like working an overnight shift. I was up almost every 1-2 hours either going to the washroom due to the amount of IV they gave me or waken up by the nurse to check my blood work and making sure I don't have a fever. Because I was sharing a room with another patient, she was up doing the same thing at different times. So, the entire night, I wasn't getting much sleep. My sense of taste starts to lose itself and my appetite has decreased already. My mouth is getting dryer so making every bite I chew is more difficult. Every time I talk, my mouth gets even more dry. I'm trying not to talk and preserve my energy as much as possible.
Finally the first week isn't finished. A lot tougher ones ahead, hopefully I don't hit the worst symptoms like my docs have mentioned to me. Next week, I will be staying downtown for the majority of the week. I will be getting my GI tube inserted, and since next week we have good Friday, my Wednesday treatment plan is intense, I will get 2 radiation sessions in one day. I'm banning everyone from visiting me as well as me going out. I need to a lot of rest, cannot be out in the sun due to sensitive skin, and I cannot catch anything so no malls, no restaurants etc...
Thank you all who have been praying, and sending me positive energy messages my way. I did feel like I was losing it at one point this week but with everyone sending me reminders how I must fight this battle keeps me going.
I came from a strong family that never gives up and will do their best to keep the family circle in tact. I'm very blessed that I have so many members in my family that fought so much in their life, just to live/survive. They are truly inspirational. I will share one of them: my grandma. She just turned 94 yesterday. She didn't have an easy life when she was young. She ran away from the Japanese war in china with grandpa and 3 daughters. She told me that back then people said that she was so stupid to drag her daughters along. They are just daughters and not sons. Many people told her to give up and just leave the girls behind since my grandparents had very little money. They suggest that she saves her own life instead. But my grandma didn't listen and persisted. She never gave up. She told me: "how could I leave them when I gave birth to them. I am their mother and cannot be selfish. If I leave them behind, they are so young, they will die and suffer and I will be the murder of my own children. My heart told me to try my best and if they all die, then at least we all die together." When she had food, she fed the kids first. I can't imagine the kind of stress and pain she was going through every single day. No money, don't know when they will have food to eat, and don't know if they will all survive. What a tough life and my grandma was only in her 20's. Her determination, love, beliefs, and strong will to battle led to her long life. A super happy one! She deserves it! She is not rich but she has great loving children. She has more than 13 grandchildren, and over 15 great-grandchildren soon. How many people do you know that lives this long, blessed with children, grandchildren, and so many great grandchildren?! She is so blessed to be able to see all grandchildren get married. Money cannot buy this. God has put her through a real rough test but she made it.
My grandma will be my motivation this coming week. To be determined, stay strong and the belief that I will beat it. It won't be easy but I must try. A quote sent from my friend: " Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.." by Winston Churchill.
Our thoughts become words. Our words become our actions. Our actions become habits and our habits will built our character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Finally finished my abstract Cherry Blossom painting:
Finally the first week isn't finished. A lot tougher ones ahead, hopefully I don't hit the worst symptoms like my docs have mentioned to me. Next week, I will be staying downtown for the majority of the week. I will be getting my GI tube inserted, and since next week we have good Friday, my Wednesday treatment plan is intense, I will get 2 radiation sessions in one day. I'm banning everyone from visiting me as well as me going out. I need to a lot of rest, cannot be out in the sun due to sensitive skin, and I cannot catch anything so no malls, no restaurants etc...
Thank you all who have been praying, and sending me positive energy messages my way. I did feel like I was losing it at one point this week but with everyone sending me reminders how I must fight this battle keeps me going.
I came from a strong family that never gives up and will do their best to keep the family circle in tact. I'm very blessed that I have so many members in my family that fought so much in their life, just to live/survive. They are truly inspirational. I will share one of them: my grandma. She just turned 94 yesterday. She didn't have an easy life when she was young. She ran away from the Japanese war in china with grandpa and 3 daughters. She told me that back then people said that she was so stupid to drag her daughters along. They are just daughters and not sons. Many people told her to give up and just leave the girls behind since my grandparents had very little money. They suggest that she saves her own life instead. But my grandma didn't listen and persisted. She never gave up. She told me: "how could I leave them when I gave birth to them. I am their mother and cannot be selfish. If I leave them behind, they are so young, they will die and suffer and I will be the murder of my own children. My heart told me to try my best and if they all die, then at least we all die together." When she had food, she fed the kids first. I can't imagine the kind of stress and pain she was going through every single day. No money, don't know when they will have food to eat, and don't know if they will all survive. What a tough life and my grandma was only in her 20's. Her determination, love, beliefs, and strong will to battle led to her long life. A super happy one! She deserves it! She is not rich but she has great loving children. She has more than 13 grandchildren, and over 15 great-grandchildren soon. How many people do you know that lives this long, blessed with children, grandchildren, and so many great grandchildren?! She is so blessed to be able to see all grandchildren get married. Money cannot buy this. God has put her through a real rough test but she made it.
My grandma will be my motivation this coming week. To be determined, stay strong and the belief that I will beat it. It won't be easy but I must try. A quote sent from my friend: " Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.." by Winston Churchill.
Our thoughts become words. Our words become our actions. Our actions become habits and our habits will built our character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
Finally finished my abstract Cherry Blossom painting:
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Day 3 - Ending the day with motivation
Last night, I vomited. I tried so hard not to for the entire day but in
the end, around 11pm it had to come out. Right away, I asked Phil to get
me a bottle of ensure so that I can chug it down! I must not lose
weight!!! I need all the nutrients that I can get in order to build
healthy cells.
Today, I felt nauseated and my mouth started to feel dry. My lymph nodes are a little more tender. So, I guess this is a good sign that the radiation is working?! My medical oncologist dr. was surprised that I was already feeling some of the side effects and said that I have a sensitive body. Of course I have a sensitive body, it's not used to all these radiation and poison!! :p Hopefully, sensitive also means that my C cells are sensitive too! I want them all dead!! Muahaha..!!
It's been a long day indeed! Finally finished my radiation treatment in the early evening and got my chemo IV. I hate IV. I hate being poked! Looking back at the past 3 weeks, I've been poked close to 15X already! In the past 8 weeks, I've been poked over 25X. You think you would get used to needles as you get it more often, but no... I hate it so much that it feels like it was my first time every time I get one. Oh well... if this what it takes to kill all the C cells, I'll do it! My aunt made me food and dropped it off at the hospital. I had such a good appetite that I finished almost everything. I drank 4 bowls of seaweed/corn soup, and ate chicken stew with potato and carrots. Yummy! Since I have such a good appetite all of the sudden, and the fact that I can still eat, I'm trying to eat as much as I can. I need to fatten up and store as much nutrients for the tough weeks ahead. Next week, they've already scheduled me to get a stomach tube. This would mean a small surgery and yes another IV must.... I'm gonna be the queen of being poked!
My mood today is overall good. My father is with me at all time. We talked about life, people, investments, my goals, etc.. then I went off telling him about the good people at my work and funny stories. When we finally came to the hospital, I checked into my room for the night, I felt sad. I'm sharing a room with another girl. I'm not sad because I'm sharing a room with her but because she is younger than me and also have cancer. She has cancer in her spine. She came to Canada from China to study, and work. She is the only child. I had the opportunity to meet her father and mother who were next to her. Good thing I took an 8 months mandarin course when I was in university otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to talk to them. The reason I feel sad for her is because she is so young, and is going through so much. She came to Canada with a dream: study and work hard for 8 years but now stuck in the hospital fighting cancer. She told me for her first few treatments, she was by herself and didn't have a place to stay. She had to ask the hospital for a long term bed until her parents arrive and rent a place. I also feel so sorry for her parents, only 1 child and have to go through this. She has already gone through 6 doses of chemo. She will start radiation soon for several weeks and when she is healthier, they need to do a surgery to remove the tumour. What a crazy intense treatment plan she has! Also, today is her birthday too! Spending it at the hospital! The nurse gave her a small cake and docs who passes by the room would pop their head inside to wish her a happy birthday. OMG! I feel so sorry and sad that she is celebrating it this way. As we continue to talk, I realized that I shouldn't be sad. Both her parents and herself are actually very relaxed, happy, and positive about what is going on. They don't seem to fear anything and believe strongly that she will be ok. I'm inspired and motivated. With so little support and they managed to continue to stay strong. I keep telling myself, I must not be weak either. I'm lucky to have a huge network of family and friends to support me. No matter how painful my coming weeks will be, I must try to stay positive and believe that I will be ok. There are people every day fighting to live, especially in poor countries. They don't know when they will have food to eat. When they do have food to eat, they don't know if they will survive. Every day for these people are a stressful one because they are suffering so much and can only dream for a tomorrow at a time. So, all this to say that although I'm going thru this, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Together with technology, high end specialists, family, friends, colleagues, and many strangers who are praying for me too, I will live. The only way to believe.
"Anything can be done as long you are not in denial. No matter how much people wants to help you, if you are in denial, it's game over. " My former manager at Fairchild TV once told me. Face it is the way to go! :)
Today, I felt nauseated and my mouth started to feel dry. My lymph nodes are a little more tender. So, I guess this is a good sign that the radiation is working?! My medical oncologist dr. was surprised that I was already feeling some of the side effects and said that I have a sensitive body. Of course I have a sensitive body, it's not used to all these radiation and poison!! :p Hopefully, sensitive also means that my C cells are sensitive too! I want them all dead!! Muahaha..!!
It's been a long day indeed! Finally finished my radiation treatment in the early evening and got my chemo IV. I hate IV. I hate being poked! Looking back at the past 3 weeks, I've been poked close to 15X already! In the past 8 weeks, I've been poked over 25X. You think you would get used to needles as you get it more often, but no... I hate it so much that it feels like it was my first time every time I get one. Oh well... if this what it takes to kill all the C cells, I'll do it! My aunt made me food and dropped it off at the hospital. I had such a good appetite that I finished almost everything. I drank 4 bowls of seaweed/corn soup, and ate chicken stew with potato and carrots. Yummy! Since I have such a good appetite all of the sudden, and the fact that I can still eat, I'm trying to eat as much as I can. I need to fatten up and store as much nutrients for the tough weeks ahead. Next week, they've already scheduled me to get a stomach tube. This would mean a small surgery and yes another IV must.... I'm gonna be the queen of being poked!
My mood today is overall good. My father is with me at all time. We talked about life, people, investments, my goals, etc.. then I went off telling him about the good people at my work and funny stories. When we finally came to the hospital, I checked into my room for the night, I felt sad. I'm sharing a room with another girl. I'm not sad because I'm sharing a room with her but because she is younger than me and also have cancer. She has cancer in her spine. She came to Canada from China to study, and work. She is the only child. I had the opportunity to meet her father and mother who were next to her. Good thing I took an 8 months mandarin course when I was in university otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to talk to them. The reason I feel sad for her is because she is so young, and is going through so much. She came to Canada with a dream: study and work hard for 8 years but now stuck in the hospital fighting cancer. She told me for her first few treatments, she was by herself and didn't have a place to stay. She had to ask the hospital for a long term bed until her parents arrive and rent a place. I also feel so sorry for her parents, only 1 child and have to go through this. She has already gone through 6 doses of chemo. She will start radiation soon for several weeks and when she is healthier, they need to do a surgery to remove the tumour. What a crazy intense treatment plan she has! Also, today is her birthday too! Spending it at the hospital! The nurse gave her a small cake and docs who passes by the room would pop their head inside to wish her a happy birthday. OMG! I feel so sorry and sad that she is celebrating it this way. As we continue to talk, I realized that I shouldn't be sad. Both her parents and herself are actually very relaxed, happy, and positive about what is going on. They don't seem to fear anything and believe strongly that she will be ok. I'm inspired and motivated. With so little support and they managed to continue to stay strong. I keep telling myself, I must not be weak either. I'm lucky to have a huge network of family and friends to support me. No matter how painful my coming weeks will be, I must try to stay positive and believe that I will be ok. There are people every day fighting to live, especially in poor countries. They don't know when they will have food to eat. When they do have food to eat, they don't know if they will survive. Every day for these people are a stressful one because they are suffering so much and can only dream for a tomorrow at a time. So, all this to say that although I'm going thru this, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Together with technology, high end specialists, family, friends, colleagues, and many strangers who are praying for me too, I will live. The only way to believe.
"Anything can be done as long you are not in denial. No matter how much people wants to help you, if you are in denial, it's game over. " My former manager at Fairchild TV once told me. Face it is the way to go! :)
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Treatment Day 2
2 Radiation Therapies down, 33 more to go! Many of you must wonder how I feel today, I am trying to hang in there. I feel tired, a little nauseated, stuffed right nose, and headache. Maybe because I'm tired, I start to lose my appetite. As much as I don't want to eat, I'm trying to eat something every 1-2 hours. You would think sleeping in a different room I will be able to sleep like a beauty but it wasn't easy. My nose was stuffed and got a headache on and off. Sometime in the middle of the night, I hear Jake crying and saying "mommy... mommy...etc..". I stayed in my room and didn't go out to see him. My mom went in and put him back to sleep.
Tonight, I am going to bed in 30 min. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep better. Going to drink those nasty chinese herbs and hopefully it can help me sleep. If I am getting headache again, I'm gonna pop a tylenol around midnight. Got a big day tomorrow! Will start chemo and continue radiation therapy. It will be my first time leaving Phil and Jake, not returning home, for 3 days. These 3 days are not vacation unfortunately... but I will try to make the best out of it. To keep me busy and distracted when I am not tired, I am going to bring my macbook air so that I can surf the net, maybe write a blog, and watch my chinese drama shows online. Hopefully the next few days is going to fly by so that I can say TGIF soon!!!
A great quote that I received today from my best friend: "Cancer may have started this fight, but I will finish it!" ~ I will be a SURVIVOR coming out of this!
Tonight, I am going to bed in 30 min. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep better. Going to drink those nasty chinese herbs and hopefully it can help me sleep. If I am getting headache again, I'm gonna pop a tylenol around midnight. Got a big day tomorrow! Will start chemo and continue radiation therapy. It will be my first time leaving Phil and Jake, not returning home, for 3 days. These 3 days are not vacation unfortunately... but I will try to make the best out of it. To keep me busy and distracted when I am not tired, I am going to bring my macbook air so that I can surf the net, maybe write a blog, and watch my chinese drama shows online. Hopefully the next few days is going to fly by so that I can say TGIF soon!!!
A great quote that I received today from my best friend: "Cancer may have started this fight, but I will finish it!" ~ I will be a SURVIVOR coming out of this!
I'm gonna end this blog by sharing a song that my family friend has sent me recently:
"Blessing" by Laura Story
Many of you know how much love I have for singing... unfortunately, my voice will slowly loose it from the radiation treatments. Since I can't sing this for a while, perhaps you can sing on my behalf. :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Decision and First Treatment
Since I found out the radiation treatment options, I couldn't really rest well. Within 12 hrs of the news, to my surprise on Wednesday morning, I woke up knowing only 1 option that I will accept: the highest radiation grade is a must. I need the highest chance for survival. Sure it may compromise my left eye, but we don't know when this will happen and if it will happen. I don't want this cancer to come back. I want to make sure when I complete this treatment, I feel positive that my life is back in my own hands. I want to feel confident during the treatment. If this cancer ever comes back, at least I know I chose the ultimate option already. With the 60GY option, there are too many uncertainties and there is still a risk to lose my eye anyway. Hopefully, with the highest radiation option, I will really get the best out of it.
It's important to confirm and be confident of the choice that I made. So, I decided to reach out on Wednesday to everyone that I know and tell them about my challenge in the hope to get more 2nd opinions. I am so grateful to have so many families and friends that care about me. Those who are praying and thinking about me, thank you so much! Your prayers are helping and maybe that's why I got a lot of 2nd opinions. My critical illness insurance benefit allowed me to get a 2nd opinion from the world's best doctors. They were aware of the time crunch and managed to get the top docs recommendations on Friday. Between Wednesday and Thursday, family and friends are helping me reach the world to review my case; New york, Hong Kong, Guangzhou, Zhong Shan, etc... Thank you so much! You know who you are making all the phone calls and hook me up with other radiation oncologists, people who have gone through the same treatment etc... What a blessing! I feel so fortunate and grateful! By this morning at 4am, I have received a total of six 2nd opinions. We discussed and reviewed the options and reconfirmed that going with the ultimate 70 grade radiation is still the best as well as sticking to the PMH treatment plan.
Today, I finished 1 round of radiation treatment. OMG, can't believe I have 35 more to go and 6 doses of chemo. My treatment will require 7 weeks of 5 days radiation treatment. I will be going in every day for radiation therapy, it's gonna be a tiring one. Some of the side effects that we will start to see as early as 2 weeks in: loss of taste, hearing, major red/dry/itchy skin on my face and neck, severe sores inside the entire mouth, severe soar throat (10X worst then the regular one we normally get when we are sick), dry mouth... because my throat and mouth will be so soar and dry, I may not be able to eat. Next week, they will do a small surgery to insert a stomach tube. I cannot lose weight during this treatment period, otherwise, everything will be stopped. I must eat to re-build good and strong cells. Both Chemo and radiation treatments will not only kill the cancerous cells but also the good cells. So, eating good and all the foods I can is a must to maintain a strong immune and to rebuild all the tissues they burn through radiation. Hopefully, the side effects are not as bad as they told me. I no longer try to think about the side effects anymore. I keep telling myself that I will be fine soon and will be healthy once I'm done the treatment.
My Out-of-Hospital Treatment Strategic Plan
Although I can still talk right now, I chose not to if not needed. I want to preserve all my energy to keep the good cells strong and to rebuild more good ones. Sorry in advance if you call, I don't pick-up... you know why. My plan is to do restorative yoga once a week, light exercise such as walking a few minutes/day, eat everything as much as I can right now (since i won't be able to chew soon), continue to paint when I feel like it, and sleep as much as I can. I will also reach out to anyone for help if needed. I know in all of you heart, you know I am shy when it comes to asking for help. But trust me, this time I won't. Also, I will be washing my hands as often as I can, wearing my N95 Mask going in the hospital and at home when Jacob is around. He goes to daycare and bring home a lot of germs. I don't need a weaker body on top of what I am and will be going thru. So sad to see my baby want to hug me but got scared when I put on my mask. I cannot wait to burn this mask 2 months from now and be able to kiss him and hug him like I used to! :)
Here is the crazy awesome "fampower" that I have to help me along the way:
-My mom to focus on cooking and keeping house tidy
-My dad to drive me downtown everyday for treatment except the days I need to stay overnight or if the treatment is really early, it will be my brother who will take me
-My brother and sis-in-law standby to take care of me when I need to stay downtown, pick-up soup from family relatives... key contact for family and relatives to get my latest status
-My hubby to focus on going to work everyday, drop and pick Jake up from daycare, and let me vent if I need to :p
-Jacob will be my every day motivator and energizer kiddo for extra boost of positive energy
-Family relatives and my in-laws, are all on standby when I need anything they will come and help. They are all praying for me every day, will go to church for some who believes in god :)
-My nanny/housecleaner will come every 2 weeks to help tidy up the house.
Co-worker/Friends/Strangers: All are praying, thinking of me, cheering, and offering their hands to help with anything.
How to get in touch with me?
My body will get weaker and weaker. I'm not trying to be rude but I will say no to visitors for the next 2 months. I certainly don't want to catch anything and don't want to take any risk. This will also mean.... unfortunately, I won't be able to attend any events in the next 2 months. Once I am well, I will make it up to all of you! To all my dear family and friends, I love you dearly and I know you care so much about my condition. I will try my best to provide at least 1 blog update per week on my progress and emotions. You may text me but if I don't respond, don't freak out. It's not that I'm ignoring you. I may be at the hospital, busy or sleeping. I will text back as soon as I can. For family who wants to buy me food or make me soup etc... If i need anything, my parents, Phil or my brother will reach out. Please do not stop your daily routine because of me. I will feel extremely bad! :)
Going to get ready for bed now! Will be sleeping in a different room too so that I don't waken up by my little one and get more sleep. Thank you for reading and god bless you all. :)
It's important to confirm and be confident of the choice that I made. So, I decided to reach out on Wednesday to everyone that I know and tell them about my challenge in the hope to get more 2nd opinions. I am so grateful to have so many families and friends that care about me. Those who are praying and thinking about me, thank you so much! Your prayers are helping and maybe that's why I got a lot of 2nd opinions. My critical illness insurance benefit allowed me to get a 2nd opinion from the world's best doctors. They were aware of the time crunch and managed to get the top docs recommendations on Friday. Between Wednesday and Thursday, family and friends are helping me reach the world to review my case; New york, Hong Kong, Guangzhou, Zhong Shan, etc... Thank you so much! You know who you are making all the phone calls and hook me up with other radiation oncologists, people who have gone through the same treatment etc... What a blessing! I feel so fortunate and grateful! By this morning at 4am, I have received a total of six 2nd opinions. We discussed and reviewed the options and reconfirmed that going with the ultimate 70 grade radiation is still the best as well as sticking to the PMH treatment plan.
Today, I finished 1 round of radiation treatment. OMG, can't believe I have 35 more to go and 6 doses of chemo. My treatment will require 7 weeks of 5 days radiation treatment. I will be going in every day for radiation therapy, it's gonna be a tiring one. Some of the side effects that we will start to see as early as 2 weeks in: loss of taste, hearing, major red/dry/itchy skin on my face and neck, severe sores inside the entire mouth, severe soar throat (10X worst then the regular one we normally get when we are sick), dry mouth... because my throat and mouth will be so soar and dry, I may not be able to eat. Next week, they will do a small surgery to insert a stomach tube. I cannot lose weight during this treatment period, otherwise, everything will be stopped. I must eat to re-build good and strong cells. Both Chemo and radiation treatments will not only kill the cancerous cells but also the good cells. So, eating good and all the foods I can is a must to maintain a strong immune and to rebuild all the tissues they burn through radiation. Hopefully, the side effects are not as bad as they told me. I no longer try to think about the side effects anymore. I keep telling myself that I will be fine soon and will be healthy once I'm done the treatment.
My Out-of-Hospital Treatment Strategic Plan
Although I can still talk right now, I chose not to if not needed. I want to preserve all my energy to keep the good cells strong and to rebuild more good ones. Sorry in advance if you call, I don't pick-up... you know why. My plan is to do restorative yoga once a week, light exercise such as walking a few minutes/day, eat everything as much as I can right now (since i won't be able to chew soon), continue to paint when I feel like it, and sleep as much as I can. I will also reach out to anyone for help if needed. I know in all of you heart, you know I am shy when it comes to asking for help. But trust me, this time I won't. Also, I will be washing my hands as often as I can, wearing my N95 Mask going in the hospital and at home when Jacob is around. He goes to daycare and bring home a lot of germs. I don't need a weaker body on top of what I am and will be going thru. So sad to see my baby want to hug me but got scared when I put on my mask. I cannot wait to burn this mask 2 months from now and be able to kiss him and hug him like I used to! :)
Here is the crazy awesome "fampower" that I have to help me along the way:
-My mom to focus on cooking and keeping house tidy
-My dad to drive me downtown everyday for treatment except the days I need to stay overnight or if the treatment is really early, it will be my brother who will take me
-My brother and sis-in-law standby to take care of me when I need to stay downtown, pick-up soup from family relatives... key contact for family and relatives to get my latest status
-My hubby to focus on going to work everyday, drop and pick Jake up from daycare, and let me vent if I need to :p
-Jacob will be my every day motivator and energizer kiddo for extra boost of positive energy
-Family relatives and my in-laws, are all on standby when I need anything they will come and help. They are all praying for me every day, will go to church for some who believes in god :)
-My nanny/housecleaner will come every 2 weeks to help tidy up the house.
Co-worker/Friends/Strangers: All are praying, thinking of me, cheering, and offering their hands to help with anything.
How to get in touch with me?
My body will get weaker and weaker. I'm not trying to be rude but I will say no to visitors for the next 2 months. I certainly don't want to catch anything and don't want to take any risk. This will also mean.... unfortunately, I won't be able to attend any events in the next 2 months. Once I am well, I will make it up to all of you! To all my dear family and friends, I love you dearly and I know you care so much about my condition. I will try my best to provide at least 1 blog update per week on my progress and emotions. You may text me but if I don't respond, don't freak out. It's not that I'm ignoring you. I may be at the hospital, busy or sleeping. I will text back as soon as I can. For family who wants to buy me food or make me soup etc... If i need anything, my parents, Phil or my brother will reach out. Please do not stop your daily routine because of me. I will feel extremely bad! :)
Going to get ready for bed now! Will be sleeping in a different room too so that I don't waken up by my little one and get more sleep. Thank you for reading and god bless you all. :)
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Will I See Light at the End of this Tunnel?
So now, I finally share the news with my in-laws, it wasn't easy at all. They are very sad about this news and felt helpless. I tried my best to cheer them up and to show them how to stay positive and how they can help me by thinking of the best will happen. It hurts me to see them the way they took the news. I really consider them as my own parents and I know being a parent to know that your child is not well, it hurts so much....
When will I see light at the end of this tunnel? The specialist reviewed my MRI results with me yesterday, I can't believe BAD... very BAD news can keep coming. I am still trying to hang in there but I feel like hanging on to a thread this time. They said that my cancer in my neck area is treatable with a lower dose of radiation. The challenge is the portion that is behind my nose. It has extended close to my left eye. So close to the optical nerve... this is the nerve that gives us the ability to see. They thought for a long time and right now it seems like there are 2 radiation treatment options with compromises as follow:
a) They give me the high dose of radiation to kill the cancer cells. This would mean that 90% survival rate with a 10% chance re-occurrence. This would mean that they will take out my optical nerve on my left eye and therefore, won't be able to see from this eye for the rest of my life.
b) They give me a slightly lower dose of radiation in the same area but this may or may not kill all the cancer cells. There may be some left behind or not. We don't know if that little bit does stay behind will continue or not continue to grow. This treatment option translates to ~ 80% survival rate with a 20-25% chance of re-occurrence, and a 10-20% risk of the left eye going blind.
WHAT THE HELL?! Like having cancer is not bad enough and now I need to chose 1 of these crazy options?! I'm beyond devastated. I tried to sleep last night but I couldn't! From time to time, my heart was racing so much. I really don't want to lose my eye!! But I also want the highest survival success rate!!!! Going with Option A nobody knows if I will have this reoccur. With my luck these days, 10% seems such a big number to me. However, going with Option B is also a tough call... I might still go blind anyway 10-15 years down the road. And the fact that there may be some C cells left behind, that is effin' crazy! Who knows if these cells will continue to grow and maybe take over my entire head..??? I'm speechless. What would you do in my shoes?
I NEED A MIRACLE! I need God to help me and help these specialists to come up with a better treatment plan than what they have shared with me so far. Time is running out and I must make the decision before end of this week. I'm seeing the specialist tomorrow to discuss this but I don't know if I am confident enough to make the decision. My treatment needs to start next Monday. We don't want this cancer to progress! I need God's help to make me stay calm, focus, positive, and to help me make the best and wise decision. Which option is the best decision? *In tears...* Which one? This is such a tough call....
I almost want to be brave enough to say F*** this cancer! I'm gonna tell this cancer to leave me alone, go away and I'll give you my left eye as long you don't come back, give me a full, long, happy and healthy life. I DON"T have time to play this game! I don't have time to gamble! I'm a busy mom. Got a kid waiting for me to show him this world and help him reach his own goals. I got a loving husband that I need to spend more time with and enjoy EVEN more than ever before each other. I got a loving family, relatives, and friends that I cannot wait to celebrate, and hang out with! I DON'T HAVE TIME for it to reoccur and go through more treatments in the future. I want to take all the time that I have in my lifetime to enjoy life.. live it... work it... do the things I love... with my and only right eye..... I'm trying to tell myself that many blind people would die to have even 1 eye working. Maybe this is how I should keep telling myself..... Is this the right decision? OMG... I don't know.... This has been by far the toughest and most challenging game I've been put in the field to deal with!!!!
Please help by praying for me. Don't hesitate to reach out if you want. I don't feel like I'm being bothered. Instead, I need more positive attitude and energy to help me win this battle and gain a miracle.
When will I see light at the end of this tunnel? The specialist reviewed my MRI results with me yesterday, I can't believe BAD... very BAD news can keep coming. I am still trying to hang in there but I feel like hanging on to a thread this time. They said that my cancer in my neck area is treatable with a lower dose of radiation. The challenge is the portion that is behind my nose. It has extended close to my left eye. So close to the optical nerve... this is the nerve that gives us the ability to see. They thought for a long time and right now it seems like there are 2 radiation treatment options with compromises as follow:
a) They give me the high dose of radiation to kill the cancer cells. This would mean that 90% survival rate with a 10% chance re-occurrence. This would mean that they will take out my optical nerve on my left eye and therefore, won't be able to see from this eye for the rest of my life.
b) They give me a slightly lower dose of radiation in the same area but this may or may not kill all the cancer cells. There may be some left behind or not. We don't know if that little bit does stay behind will continue or not continue to grow. This treatment option translates to ~ 80% survival rate with a 20-25% chance of re-occurrence, and a 10-20% risk of the left eye going blind.
WHAT THE HELL?! Like having cancer is not bad enough and now I need to chose 1 of these crazy options?! I'm beyond devastated. I tried to sleep last night but I couldn't! From time to time, my heart was racing so much. I really don't want to lose my eye!! But I also want the highest survival success rate!!!! Going with Option A nobody knows if I will have this reoccur. With my luck these days, 10% seems such a big number to me. However, going with Option B is also a tough call... I might still go blind anyway 10-15 years down the road. And the fact that there may be some C cells left behind, that is effin' crazy! Who knows if these cells will continue to grow and maybe take over my entire head..??? I'm speechless. What would you do in my shoes?
I NEED A MIRACLE! I need God to help me and help these specialists to come up with a better treatment plan than what they have shared with me so far. Time is running out and I must make the decision before end of this week. I'm seeing the specialist tomorrow to discuss this but I don't know if I am confident enough to make the decision. My treatment needs to start next Monday. We don't want this cancer to progress! I need God's help to make me stay calm, focus, positive, and to help me make the best and wise decision. Which option is the best decision? *In tears...* Which one? This is such a tough call....
I almost want to be brave enough to say F*** this cancer! I'm gonna tell this cancer to leave me alone, go away and I'll give you my left eye as long you don't come back, give me a full, long, happy and healthy life. I DON"T have time to play this game! I don't have time to gamble! I'm a busy mom. Got a kid waiting for me to show him this world and help him reach his own goals. I got a loving husband that I need to spend more time with and enjoy EVEN more than ever before each other. I got a loving family, relatives, and friends that I cannot wait to celebrate, and hang out with! I DON'T HAVE TIME for it to reoccur and go through more treatments in the future. I want to take all the time that I have in my lifetime to enjoy life.. live it... work it... do the things I love... with my and only right eye..... I'm trying to tell myself that many blind people would die to have even 1 eye working. Maybe this is how I should keep telling myself..... Is this the right decision? OMG... I don't know.... This has been by far the toughest and most challenging game I've been put in the field to deal with!!!!
Please help by praying for me. Don't hesitate to reach out if you want. I don't feel like I'm being bothered. Instead, I need more positive attitude and energy to help me win this battle and gain a miracle.
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